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When all you’ve ever known is isolation, it’s hard to realise when you’re no longer lonely. Akutagawa notices it first hand.
When Akutagawa sat on the grass, watching the members of the ADA and the port mafia mingling together, he didn’t see a place for him there.
Akutagawa was lonely.
Even with his sister and his old mentor at his side, he was incredibly lonely.
He didn’t know anything but loneliness, from the day of his birth until this day, sitting in the grass, he knew nothing but loneliness.
That was the case, even when others attempted to break through his loneliness with gentle hands and supportive words.
Chuuya
“Akutagawa!” Chuuya called out from across the hallway, Akutagawa froze from where he had been getting ready to disappear into the shadows for the day. Probably towards a teashop.
“Yes, Chuuya-san?” He turned around to find his superior with an easy smile on his face as he strolled over to the tense man. With any other member under him, he would have walked away without exchanging pleasantries, but he dearly respected Chuuya-san, who had insisted on being called by his first name. He couldn’t very well be so insubordinated as to ignore his superior. Dazai-san had coerced those reflexes out of him long ago.
“Would you like to accompany me out for some food?” That had been his plan either way, he might as well go with Chuuya-san. There was most likely some work related matter he wanted to discuss, the mafia was truly an around the clock work. Though the pay was hefty enough to make up for it.
Chuuya seemed to take his silence as an agreement, clasping a heavy hand on his shoulder and leading him towards the exit, he longingly stared back at the dark corner with the window he had been about to jump out of to avoid small talk with anyone who happened to be in the reception.
“I haven’t been able to ask you lately, my boy, how have you been doing?” Akutagawa was too busy gorging down the sanmamen Chuuya-san had bought for him to comment on the fact they only had a 2 years age difference. His years in the slum had made him grateful to every free food he could get, even if Chuuya-san was using the food to request something from him.
“I have been doing my work adequately and effectively, Chuuya-san.” He straightened up, puffing his chest out slightly, his work was all wrapped up.
“Good, I can never believe you were that lazy mackerel’s mentee.” Akutagawa’s mouth opened on its own to defend his mentor, but Chuuya’s mouth was turned up in a wry smile so he stuffed it with food instead, holding back the words.
“You’ve always been a good kid, Akutagawa-kun.” Akutagawa stopped dead in his tracks, the noodles half in his mouth. He rarely ever heard the words, let alone directed towards him. The mission he was going to give him must be especially important.
“Thank you, Chuuya-san.” He bowed his head in gratitude, Chuuya had always been a kind man, by mafia standards at least. The outside world wouldn’t be the biggest fan of any of their actions.
Chuuya looked slightly awkward now, picking at the food Akutagawa knew was delicious, so the topic was finally getting serious. He straightened up in his seat, his eyes locked into his superior’s.
“You must see right through me, Akutagawa-kun.” A small chuckle escaped Chuuya. It wasn’t that hard to guess, and Chuuya-san was an amazing man, even if his expressions were slightly outwardly.
He opted to stay quiet, he wouldn’t want his superior to refuse to give him his mission in offense.
“I heard you’ve been going to your appointments?” Was he being reprimanded? His lungs had been getting worse by the day, so he assumed he could take advantage of the mafia’s medical care for the issue.
“I have.” He drank the remaining soup from his bowl, wiping his mouth with the tissues provided, Chuuya was still only halfway done with his meal, eating at a nearly put upon speed.
“That’s good, very good.” His superior continued picking at his food, the shadows looked quite inviting, simply begging for him to get lost in them and forget this awful interaction. This was why he avoided people like the plague.
Right as he was about to go for it, as if sensing his very thoughts, Chuuya spoke up again.
“You know you can talk to me if you need anything, right kid?” Akutagawa gave an awkward nod, he didn’t like the emotional discussion this was turning out to be.
Chuuya ran a hand down his face, putting down his chopsticks and apparently giving up on the dissection of his dumplings.
“Of course, Chuuya-san.” He took it upon himself to rise from his seat.
“Well, if you would excuse me, thank you for the food, Chuuya-san.” He bowed, waiting for dismissal to make his timely escape.
“Of course, you must have other things to do than hang out with your boss, just keep what I said in mind, yeah?” Akutagawa rushed out of there the second Chuuya was done talking, he would never take him up on his words.
Tachihara
He had no idea how he ended up here.
Well he did, frankly, what he doesn’t know is how he let it get to this point in time without putting a stop to the ridiculous situation.
Tachihara had been not so discreetly hinting at wanting to take all of them to the arcade, to which Akutagawa had not so chalantly been rebutting every miserable attempt.
He didn’t want to go out and ‘have fun’, he just wanted to follow his usual routine of stalking in the shadows and being forgotten by the world until there was nothing left of the memories featuring him ingrained into his friends and family.
That was until Tachihara let slip that the detective agency might show up. Akutagawa would never pass on the opportunity to murder a weretiger.
“Look, Akutagawa!” He had been inching towards the exit when he realized there weren’t just a few mafia and agency members but most of them, and also random people because they had chosen a public place of all things. He felt like he was going to faint.
His eyes drifted to the point his name had been called to find Tachihara in a staring contest with a machine. A machine with a hook. He didn’t want to get too close to that.
“Which one do you want?” The ginger had a wide grin on his face as he gestured at the varied plushies nestled inside. They all looked awfully cheap for the 100 yen tag. He could buy those for 1000 yen and it would probably be cheaper. Especially considering Tachihara was rapidly inserting coins. He had been stuck on the thing for twenty minutes now, and Akutagawa was not going to help him.
He took a small step closer, arm tucked behind his back as Rashomon curled herself against his chest protectively.
All the plushies looked the exact same.
“That one.” He gestured to the one closest to him, which just so happened to be on the opposite side of the fall pit. He thought Tachihara would give up but he just seemed more invigorated by the second. He forgot how competitive his subordinates could get, he should never have given him a challenge.
“No, wait! I promise I’ll get you something good!” And that’s how he ended up sitting on a bar stool downing shots of sake to make the awful sight of Tachihara’s repeated failures more tolerable.
It wasn’t until most of the participants had left, he had only gotten a quick glimpse of the weretiger and Dazai sadly, that he realised his throat felt rather constricted.
Tachihara was still going on about one thing or another as he threw his hefty salary into the machine, coin by coin.
He hadn’t bothered humming along or showing any signs of interest since the beginning of the other’s tirade, but it didn’t deter him in the slightest. It felt like he couldn't do any of those anymore anyway, his lungs constricting at every attempt.
He decided enough was enough, handing the lady working behind the register two crisp 20 000 yen bills and gesturing to Tachihara, she pressed a button with a discreet nod and a small smile.
“Look, I told you that technique would work eventually!” Four of the little dolls fell into the pit, one of them being Akutagawa’s requested strangely shaped fox that morphed into more of buttocks.
It was small, a bit smaller than his own palm as Tachihara deposited it in his hand with the widest grin he had ever seen him make. He thought he’d seen the worst already.
He made a face and walked out, the toy secured in his pocket.
When he got home, all the activities of the day truly caught up to him, the night was spent frozen in bed, unable to move lest a sharp spike of pain shoot through his entire body. The slightest shake made his chest constrict like his lungs were being crushed by enough sand to cover pyramids.
When he showed up to the mafia the next day, barely conscious and holding on only as a show of strength and capacity, more than one head turned, including one he hadn’t expected.
Kouyou
“You look like death itself.” She said, looking as regal as can be as she marched over to him, pressing a hand to his forehead in such a motherly way he couldn’t get himself to push her away.
“Have you been taking your medications?” She trailed a hand down until it rested carefully on his cheek.
“Yes, Kouyou-san.” He had been forgoing it for quite a while, but the flare up yesterday made him rethink that decision, he had eventually taken them this morning in the hopes that it would make the pain more manageable to no avail.
“Of course you have, you’re a good kid..” She dropped her hand so it could rest on his shoulder and started leading him, just like Chuuya-san had, except hers was done as regally as physically possible. It was striking that Chuuya had been taught manners by her.
“I heard Chuuya took you out for some sanmamen?” He nodded, her grip on his shoulder was gentle but firm and it felt like trying to shake it off would unleash hell upon him.
She led him to a day room, steaming cups of tea on the table and a vanity covered with various objects ranging from makeup to a curling iron in the corner. It didn’t feel like the sort of place Akutagawa would ever walk into of his own accord.
“Take a seat, Akutagawa-kun, you deserve it.” He frowned at her, he didn’t think he looked that bad, he had always been pale and his illness hadn’t yet managed to make his complexion much worse.
He took a seat nonetheless, grasping the teacup in a weak grip. He always used up all of his energy in fights but with these everyday tasks, he couldn’t help but realise how much weaker he had gotten without adrenaline coursing through his veins. Someday soon, he wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed without the use of Rashomon anymore.
Lately he had even started using her as a crutch to get around without the pain coursing from his lungs to the sole of his feet, like the lack of oxygen in his blood turned it into a slow killing poison instead of life necessity.
He continued staring down into his cup, Kouyou had taken a seat in front of him, surveying him with a critical gaze, he didn’t have the energy to return it with one of his own.
“I heard Mori was planning on relieving you of some of your duties at the word of an agency member.” She spoke calmly, sipping her tea at regular intervals that looked nearly timed.
He hadn’t heard of that. “Why? I’ve been doing all my work perfectly well, I’m not defaillant!” He couldn’t help himself from slamming the cup on the table harsher than necessary much to Kouyou’s visible displeasure.
“I personally believe it for the best.” She wrapped a hand around his, guiding him to grab his cup again. “You deserve a break, Akutagwa-kun, especially with your illness.”
He despised when people spoke of it, it didn’t make him any lesser than anyone else, he was still fully capable, despite the burning in his lungs. Even if it got too much to bear one day, he would adapt.
“I don’t need a break, Kouyou-san.” She rose from her seat with a small sigh, walking to the vanity and picking up the curling iron, snapping it a few times.
“I think some relaxing would do you some good, even in the mafia, you can’t always be working.” She sat down next to him, the iron emitting heat as it rose in temperature.
“I don’t feel a need for it, Kouyou-san.” He tried, inching away from the curling iron, he didn’t know what it would be used for and he didn’t intend to find out.
“Foolish boy, everyone needs a break.”
He would never admit it, but he felt slightly better after being fed cucumbers, tea and having Kouyou brush his hair, no matter how awkward it was to have his non linear boss do that for him.
Dazai
Dazai stared at him and the fuzzy curls on his usually straight sideburns.
Akutagawa stared back awkwardly, wanting to shift on his feet but unwilling to show any weakness.
Dazai continued his staring for a few moments, his eyes following the shape of his body down to the small toy Tachihara had given him. Akutagawa could feel his face burning red, he hadn’t meant to keep it, but Tachihara had been so dejected when he saw him without it, Higuchi patting his shoulder in sympathy. Akutagawa had hidden behind a closet to avoid the both of them, and for once it wasn’t because of Higuchi’s strange advances.
He was about to turn around and deck it out of the room he had mistakenly assumed the weretiger to be in when Dazai gave a nearly imperceptible nod and walked out of the room.
Akutagawa saw stars.
Literally. His vision went black seconds after, the last thing he heard sounded strangely like the weretiger, maybe he hadn’t been too far off with his pick of room.
Atsushi and Kyouka
It had been a few days since had been admitted in the hospital, stuck with an IV in his forearm and most of his days with an oxygen mask stuck to his face.
He heard the whispers of the nurses at the mafia owned hospital, the worry that there was nothing they could do, that his disease had been found way too long after it started developing. That he was doomed.
He didn’t care much, his sister came by a few times to check up on him, offering the quiet support he always relished in and even bringing him a few figs, apparently a courtesy of Higuchi who had been too shy to come herself.
He had finally been allowed outside without the IV, though he was restricted to the hospital's park, he didn’t like the outside much but when he was forced inside he couldn’t help but wish for freedom.
Atsushi had come by earlier that day with the good news that his situation was stabilised enough for an outing, he had reluctantly been escorted out only to find most of the agency and port mafia outside, waiting for them with grills and ice boxes full of various meats and vegetables.
‘Lucy brought it in for us’ Atsushi had mentioned when Akutagawa had looked around for the door that would have been required to bring all of the materials in. He didn’t know why they had all decided the hospital park was the best place for a picnic, especially while he was hospitalized.
It felt like they were rubbing salt in the wound of his uselessness in the face of his decaying body.
“What are you doing brooding all by yourself, Akutagawa? Come eat some meat!” Atsushi waved at him from a short distance away, jumping up and down like a crazed cat. He had been hoping to be left alone to his brooding under the shade of an oak.
Akutagawa sighed, using Rashomon to haul himself up and walk over, pressing a careful hand on the crown of Kyouka’s head as she grilled some meat for herself and the weretiger, resting a bit more weight on it when he felt his legs weaken under him.
He gave her a small nod as she handed a plate to him quietly, taking his hand off of her head to lean against the weretiger. He had gotten muscular since he had first met him– scrawny as he had been– so he could easily hold his weight, he had gotten slimmer the past few weeks anyway.
He could feel Atsushi’s hand hovering over his back, the weretiger had always been too fond of acting like he was some good man who wouldn’t touch him without consent.
“I’m not made of glass.” He growled out, Rashomon forming from his hospital gown to threaten him until he finally put his hand on the small part of his back to hold his weight better.
“I didn’t say you were.” Atsushi frowned at him and, of all things, pinched his side.
Akutagawa was not a man of pity as he used Rashomon to try and bite his head off.
To his dismay, the weretiger dodged his attack easily, one after the other. Akutagawa ended up running after him, Rashomon snapping so close to his back he knew he could feel the wind of it against his thin clothes.
He got his opportunity when the weretiger turned around for a second and stopped dead in his tracks. With Atsushi pinned under him, he could count each and every one of his lashes, the way small whiskers could be seen on his cheek, the blood dripping onto his nose, the blurry lines of his face, how much closer he was.
Yosano
“I’m so sorry!” Atsushi had been apologizing non stop for the past thirty minutes and his headache was getting considerably worse by the minute.
“Shut up.” He growled out, which just made him bawl harder as he gripped the sheets of his hospital bed, begging for forgiveness Akutagawa had already given. The IV was back in his arm and he had to take off the oxygen mask whenever he wanted to speak. It was so bothersome he considered letting the disease take him.
A woman with black hair and a butterfly pin came in, telling Atsushi off for bothering a patient and sending him on his way, the weretiger leaving with his tail between his legs, looking back periodically until the door closed behind him.
Yosano sat at his bedside for quite a while, looking out the window lost in thought. Akutagawa took the opportunity to enjoy the silence, a true blessing after hearing Atsushi whine for half an hour.
“Atsushi asked me to save you, you know?” He wasn't too surprised, the weretiger had always wanted to save everyone no matter how undeserving they were. What did surprise him was that the doctor of the agency would tell him about it.
“I’m truly sorry that there’s nothing I can do, my ability only deals with external injuries..” Her eyes finally met his as she gestured to his chest with a gloved hand, bangs falling smoothly over her eyes.
“Which my illness isn’t.” He finished for her, they didn’t know the origin of it, maybe his youth in the slums, or some unlucky genetics roulette. The only thing they did know for sure is that it was internal and terminal. It would only get worse from here as his body slowly gave up.
“I wouldn’t have asked you to, even if it was within your abilities.” He saw the way she looked at the mafia members, how she strictly refused to heal any of them. Even now she was fidgety in front of him, her calm expression couldn’t help but betray how uncomfortable she always was around them.
Akutagawa was a man of pride, he knew when to put it aside for a greater good, but here and now, he would accept his death if it meant not being indebted to the agency for the rest of his life let alone to a woman who hated his guts.
She glared at him for a second, bypassing his status as a patient to judge his very personality before leaving her seat, heading for the door without looking back save for a few words.
“I just wanted to apologize for not being able to save you.” It felt deeper, the words she muttered as the door clicked into place behind her, but it was above all, none of his business.
He laid back down on his hospital bed, the covers felt luxurious under his back, the perks of being in a mafia owned private clinic.
Gin
It got better for a while after that, his cough subsided and the medications he was forced to take twice a day seemed to be keeping him alive.
That was until his routine weekly check up, one his sister had quietly wormed her way into when he had off handedly mentioned it around her.
“Do you have any plans for hospice?” The woman asked gently as she looked at the clipboard in her hand, long auburn tied in a bun with a tag that simply read ‘Doctor’, her name unmentioned.
His sister froze beside him, he hadn’t mentioned to anyone that his illness was terminal, just that it was particularly bad and dangerous for his health, but hadn’t hidden it either. It was just a fact among many others.
“I do not.” He wanted to continue on with his life and work until he dropped dead if ever permitted.
It went on for quite a while, talking about how his blood results were slowly getting worse and that he should consider his end of life options sooner than later. He nodded along, half listening, half thinking about the work he had to get done by the end of the day.
He had taken to doing duties that weren’t assigned to him when some of his duties were reassigned in the name of letting him rest. If only to keep himself busy enough not to think about the nights spent awake coughing and unable to close his eyes through the pain.
Gin stopped him when they came out of the doctor’s office with a hand on his arm, tugging down her mask with the other.
“I love you.” Is all she said, pulling her brother into her arms and holding him close. He let his arms wrap back around her, this was his sister after all, who was about to lose her only family to the unfairness of the world.
“We’ll make it as painless as possible for you.” He didn’t talk about how much pain he was already in, she didn’t need to know her brother was suffering when there was nothing to do about it.
They didn’t talk after that, holding each other outside the doctor’s office until their arms were sore and leaving each other with a simple nod as they headed in opposite directions back to work.
There was nothing to do about it now but use his ability to get around and attend to his duties until body withered away into a pile of dust.
Maybe that was why, when he had to choose between the weretigers life and his own so long after the acceptance of his fate, he hadn’t needed to think.
The weretiger who had cried at his bedside, who had begged his friend to save him even if it was beyond her ability, of course he would sacrifice the short time he had left for a man who had so much good left to give.
He still wondered how much different life would have been, had he not been sick. If the world would have been kinder or crueler to him.
If he could have spent his life with the people he had secretly taken to calling his friends, and dare he say a part of his small family.
But he regretted nothing, if he died at 20 then so be it, there wasn’t anything he would have done differently to get where he was now.
The weretiger could take it from there.