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you should have just stayed in bed and waited for her to come back. you knew where she was and what she was doing, and you knew she needed to be alone, but you couldn't sleep so you went looking for her.
she was doing exactly what you thought she was doing, aka praying to the Wilderness, but she was crying. and you hate it when she cries. and you hate how miserable she looked when she told you she couldn't hear It and that It didn't listen. you wanted to make her happy. so, you blurted out the only thing that's been cheering her up for the past few weeks.
"take me to the caves. i want to see more."
to be quite frank, you really dislike all these cave sessions lottie's been making you do. tripping out in the wilderness with shrooms was fine, cool even, but you can't count how many times you've almost died in the caves. the worst part is that it's all for naught. your 'visions' make no sense to you. most of the time, they're just hallucinations of you and lottie back at home with some weird shit sprinkled in instead of visions of what the Wilderness desires. that's what these trips have been for: to hear and feel the Wilderness. and you do! you're connecting with it just like lottie wants, but you're not seeing It. you feel like you're failing lottie.
and you'd do anything to make her happy.
so going back to the caves with the gas leak it is.
· · 𐂂 · ·
lottie tightens the rope around your waist, looking up at you for confirmation that it's tight enough. you nod in return and she gives you a delicate smile, dropping her end of the rope so she can pick up the candle. the flame lights her face perfectly, and you get lost in her big, brown eyes as she moves a piece of her hair from out of her face.
"you should go deeper." she says, her voice gentle and calm. "maybe you'll be able to see more."
you don't like this idea.
"okay," you agree, your fingers nervously fiddling with the rope tied around your waist. "but is the rope even long enough?"
she looks down to eye the length and nods when she looks back at you. "it should be. just go as far as you can, okay? i got you." she reassures you, leaning in for a short kiss that makes all your worries melt away.
lottie pulls her mask up to cover her nose and mouth and bends down to pick up the rope before walking back to kneel by the entrance, rope tight in her hand. you let out a shaky breath and turn your back to her, wondering what the fuck you keep getting yourself into.
as you start walking into the cave, you hear lottie call out from behind, her voice echoing loudly off the walls. "listen to what's happening around you."
you mumble back an "okay" like she can hear you and steady yourself against the wall as you close your eyes and take a deep breath, trying to tune into the Wilderness. your shoes scuff against some rocks as you feel your way around and you gasp as a flash of you on a cliff pops into your mind. when you blink your eyes open, you're still in the cave, but it's cold as if the wind is nipping against your nose and cheek. despite the bad feeling you have in your stomach, you venture further into the dark cave. your eyes feel heavy and you keep bumping your shoulder against the wall of the cave because of how disoriented you feel. maybe you should sit down for a second.
you slide down the wall, groaning at the rocks scratching your back, and lift your shirt up to your nose so you can try and breathe properly. your throat burns as you take raggedy breaths and your eyes prickle with tears. this was a horrible idea. maybe you should just head back and make something up to make lottie happy. but if she found out you lied she'd be angry at you. goddammit.
the rope around your waist pulls you forward slightly and you catch yourself with your hands, face grimacing as you breathe in the not-so-fresh air of the cave. weakly, you pat the ground for the rope trailing behind you and tug at once to let lottie know you're okay. you make a retching sound as you move to get up, frothy drool leaking from your lips and onto the cave ground. well, shit, that's never happened before. you'd better hurry and get the fuck out of out here. you can come another time. lottie would understand.
when you get up, reality flashes between that cliff you saw and the cave. it makes you pause, and when you step forward and blink, you're on the cliff. right on the edge. you try to move back but your feet are glued to the ground. the wind blows harshly and makes your eyes well up with tears, and it's only then you realize that you can only move your eyes. everything else is stiff. you try to shout for lottie, but your mouth won't open, and even the choked sob that racks your body doesn't let out. it sounds more like a muffled scream.
the wind blows again but this time it's with more force and it makes you sway back and forth. the feeling makes your stomach sink, and a cold sweat washes over your body. your wide eyes fly to the bottom of the cliff, the clouds and rocks below making it seem like it's millions of miles deep. you start praying for something to wake you up from this hallucination; lottie, the Wilderness, god, who-the-fuck-ever can help you.
suddenly, just as your body leans forward, about to fall off the cliff, you're back in the caves. you fall down, head bumping against the rocky floor and getting scratched up. your throat tightens and you wheeze, hands reaching up to grab at whatever force is choking you. the feeling is terrible. no matter how hard you try and breathe, you just can't. as the edges of your vision begin to fade to black, you let out a feeble whisper of lottie's name.
· · 𐂂 · ·
lottie tugs at the rope again, heart pounding in her chest when she feels how loose it is. she takes her mask off for a second to call out your name, listening intently for any response back. she hears nothing, and when she pulls the rope down in frustration, it snaps back so easily.
you're not attached to it anymore.
she puts her mask back on so fast that she accidentally scratches her nose. she holds her breath as best as she can as she jogs into the cave, frantically calling out your name and cursing under her breath. lottie tries to tap into the Wilderness, trying to feel where you could be, but she can't seem to sense you anymore. it's like a fading pulse in her head as she takes deep breaths and searches for you.
her eyes tear up and she sniffs, looking around to see if she can spot your body somewhere. there, in the corner, she can see your limp hand. immediately she rushes toward you, dropping to her knees and scooping your weak body into her lap.
"i got you. you're okay, you're okay." she mutters to herself rather than you.
lottie tugs you up and carries you back to the entrance of the cave, her muscles burning as she tries to keep upright and keep you in her arms despite the lack of fresh air in her lungs. she collapses near the opening and apologizes to your unconscious body for accidentally hurting you. her hands cradle your face and she shakes you, body prickling with fear when she notices just how limp you are.
she puts her hands over your heart and starts to pray. "bring them back to us. bring them back to us." your pulse slowly weakens more as she repeats those words over and over, and she gets desperate. she looks around the cave before her eyes land on the flickering candle. "fuck it."
she grasps onto the can that's a candle and slices her hand on the sharp edge, instantly dripping her blood onto your body and moving into a prayer position with her bloody hand over your heart.
"bring them back to me. bring them back to me. bring them back. please. please."
you come back into consciousness, screaming for lottie and clawing at your throat. you can finally breathe but barely. lottie's there to shush you and stroke your head, grabbing you by your shirt to tug you into her arms.
"'it's okay, it's okay, you're safe. i got you." she whispers to you, soothingly rubbing your back and helping you get your breathing back to normal. she pushes you back gently and strokes your cheek, her thumb wiping your freshly falling tears.
"i'm sorry, i tried to go as far as i could." your voice is hoarse as you speak and it hurts. you cling onto her warm arms and rub her skin with your thumbs to try and calm yourself down but you can't keep your sobs in. she pulls you back in for a hug and shakes her head. you stay there for a few moments, thinking about whether you should tell her what you saw or stay silent. "i wanna go back now, please."
maybe you'll tell her later.
· · 𐂂 · ·
lottie holds your hand all the way back to the huts, even when you told her you needed to take a piss. it's endearing but still uncomfortable. didn't help the fact that she didn't take her eyes off you either.
the walk back is silent, and you know she feels guilty because she's not saying anything. you want her to say something, but your throat hurts too much to speak, so you just rub her thumb and pull her closer to your side.
when you get back to the shelter, she sits you down on the bed and tells you to stay put while she runs and gets a rag and bowl of water. you don't know why she's cleaning you up when she's the one who's bleeding more than you, but it feels nice to be taken care of by her. honestly, you almost forget about the scratches on your head until you hiss at the slight pain as she cleans them up. lottie leaves again to get her herb paste made from heliotropes and other various plants to put on your wounds, cooing at you quietly when you whine from how much it stings.
"let me put it on your hand?" you suggest after she sets the paste down on the bed and kisses your nose. "it looks bad."
she nods and gives you her hand, and you clean it with some water first before applying the purple-ish paste. lottie bites her lip as you gently rub it across the nasty gash on her palm, and you apologize softly as you finish with it. you bring her hand to your lips so you can kiss it and help her onto your lap and into bed with you, cuddling her side protectively.
"we should take a few days off so you can rest before we go back." lottie mumbles, her fingers dancing along the side of your arm.
you sigh and shut your eyes, stomach swarming with uneasy feelings. "lott, i don't think i want to do this anymore. i mean, fuck, i almost died in there."
she sits up on her arm and leans over you, pieces of her hair tickling your face. "i know, but we need to figure out what the Wilderness wants. you're the closest to It now. It'll tell you what It needs, you just need to learn how to understand It. i can teach you."
you shake your head and gulp down some tears, turning your head away from her and inhaling heavily. "i was on some cliff before i passed out. i couldn't move at all. the vision stopped right as i fell from it, and then that's when i started choking. i don't know what it means. i don't know what any of my visions mean."
lottie frowns and leans over you some more so she can try and catch your gaze, and when you look back at her, her eyes are just as sad as you are. she bends down and captures your lips in a reassuring kiss, resting her head on your forehead as she whispers: "it's okay. we'll figure it out together. you just have to keep trying. we'll be safer next time."
your shoulders slump back against the blankets in defeat. you know she's just being pushy because wants the best for the group, but sometimes you wish she'd listen. you give a half-assed smile and nod, your fingers prodding at the holes in her mesh shirt as you try not to think about how nervous you are to go back.
"can you make me that herb tea? the one that always helps me sleep..." you mumble, feeling like you just need to rest for weeks to forget about today.