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Oh, it hurts the most ‘cause I don’t know the cause…
Belkia laid on his bed, left alone with his thoughts. His life had been empty for the last few weeks. Ever since Tsubaki disappeared Belkia couldn’t find something to do to entertain himself. He had tried to get back into magic tricks, but it wasn’t as fun to do now. He liked to perform for Tsubaki and the rest of the subclasses. What made him decide to leave? Belkia wondered. He couldn’t stop asking himself this. Was it me?
The feeling of emptiness Belkia felt was made worse because he didn’t have an answer to that question. What if it was him?
Maybe I shouldn’t have cried when you left and told me not to wait…
It had been three weeks since Sakuya had come to all of Tsubaki’s subclasses and given them the same message: “What I’m about to tell you is from Tsubaki himself. He’s leaving, he’s going to live his own life now. He said to tell you all to forget about him and live your own life and do what you want. He said don’t wait around for him either because he won’t be back.” That was what Sakuya had told Belkia and the rest of the small group that Tsubaki’s subclasses had formed.
That was what had torn Belkia’s world apart.
Oh, it kills the most to say that I still care…
He didn’t want to forget about Tsubaki. Tsubaki was what gave his life meaning. He couldn’t just pretend that Tsubaki never existed. But he still cared. Which made everything worse, Tsubaki had said to forget about him , but Belkia didn’t want to. You said to do what we want in life; I want to be with you. But then I can’t forget about you… Belkia thought to himself.
Now I’m left tryna rewind the times you held and kissed me back…
He reached up and felt the soft black scarf that Tsubaki had given him, forming a subclass-servamp relationship between the two of them. Belkia remembered all the times that Tsubaki had played games and talked with his subclasses. They were all family to each other.
Tsubaki was there when no one else cared. And he hadn’t left. And then Belkia had met the rest of the subclasses, and they didn’t leave either. Belkia had always liked Tsubaki the best though. If something happened to Belkia then Tsubaki would be there. Always. He wanted to go back. Back to when Tsubaki would hug Belkia after something terrible happened on a mission and Belkia would go to Tsubaki’s room late at night and explain his troubles to Tsubaki.
He clearly remembered the time that everything had gone wrong all day, and then worsened when he had failed a mission that same day. That night Belkia had waited until everyone was asleep before he had gone to see Tsubaki. He had woken Tsubaki up before telling the man everything that was on his mind and how he felt. Before he had finished he had broken down though and started crying. Tsubaki had hugged him and listened to what he had to say.
Tsubaki had cared.
Belkia wished that his days were still like that.
I wonder if you’re thinkin’ “Is she alright all alone?”
Belkia was jerked out of his thoughts by a clap of thunder outside. He hadn’t even realized it had started to rain. Where are you Tsubaki? Did you get caught in the rain, are you okay? Belkia thought as he watched the rain. Do you ever think about me? Wonder if I’m alright without you?
I wonder if you tried to call, but couldn’t find your phone…
Belkia picked up his phone and checked to see if he had any missed calls. None. Everyday he waited to see Tsubaki’s name on his phone. Maybe he wanted to call Belkia, but wasn’t able to find his phone, maybe it had gotten stolen. Or maybe he was too scared to call Belkia, thinking that his subclass would have already moved on and forgotten about him, or maybe that he would be mad because he left. Or you just don’t care about me anymore…
Have I ever crossed your thoughts because your name’s all over mine…
Belkia checked his phone once more. He opened the text conversations that he and Tsubaki had had with each other. He read over it, from the first messages they sent to each other to the very newest ones. Tsubaki was the only thing that was ever on Belkia’s mind anymore.
A moment in time, don’t watch me cry…
Belkia hesitated before he stated typing. He messaged a small greeting to Tsubaki and hit send. He waited, watching the screen, and hoping that Tsubaki would message him back. But there wasn’t any indication that anyone had even seen Belkia’s message, much less that they were responding to it.
Belkia continued to watch the phone screen for a few more minutes. Still, no one had seen it.
A moment in time, don’t watch me cry…
Belkia sighed and closed his phone. He sat up on his bed and swung his legs over the side to watch the rain. He closed his eyes and felt tears rolling down is cheeks. Belkia hugged himself, but it didn’t give him any warmth or comfort. Not like Tsubaki could give him.
I’m not crying ‘cause you left me on my own…
He couldn’t believe that he was crying. He laid back down on his side and continued to watch the rain. He wasn’t crying because Tsubaki had left him alone. Well, he might have been.
I’m not crying ‘cause you left me with no warning…
Tsubaki hadn’t even warned Belkia or given any indication that he wanted to leave, so why did he?
I’m just crying ‘cause I can’t escape what could’ve been…
And it didn’t help that while Belkia was alone now, he would always see Sakuya hanging out with Mahiru and having a fun time. No matter where he went, everyone was hanging out with a friend, or a family member, or a lover. Belkia didn’t have anyone to hang out with anymore. He had debated several times on whether he should try to reconnect with some of the other subclasses, but always decided against it for some reason.
Are you aware when you set me free...
Sometimes Belkia wondered if Tsubaki knew what he had done.
All I can do is let my heart bleed…
Did he know that Belkia’s life had no meaning now that he was gone. Every day seemed to drag on for hours longer then when Tsubaki was in his life.
Oh, it’s harder when you can’t see through the thoughts…
Belkia woke up the next day to sunlight streaming into his eyes. He didn’t remember falling asleep, but he must have drifted off at some point. Belkia sighed and got up out of bed. The rain had stopped, and he needed breakfast. He was tired of the breakfast that the hotel served, so he grabbed his phone and straightened his hat, preparing to go out. There had to be a breakfast place somewhere around here.
As he left the hotel he found his thoughts going back to Tsubaki again. He tried to focus on something else, but he couldn’t. He shook his head slightly and muttered to himself. He checked his phone for any missed calls or new messages. Nothing.
Not that I wanna I wanna get in but I want to see how your mind works…
Belkia wished he knew why Tsubaki had left. If only he could see how Tsubaki’s mind had worked when he had decided to leave, then he could prove to Tsubaki that he should stay. Belkia sent another message to Tsubaki, hoping that he would see this one and reply.
No, it’s harder when they don’t know what they’ve done…
Belkia was sure that Tsubaki didn’t even know what he was doing to him when he left. If he had known how Belkia would feel without him, then he would have stayed, right?
Thinking it’s best if they leave, meaning I’ll have to move on…
He must have thought that it would be best if he left, Belkia thought as he walked through the park. He hadn’t wanted to go back to the hotel, and the park was close to the breakfast restaurant, so Belkia had decided to pass the time by taking a walk through the park.
After he walked probably about a mile, Belkia turned and headed into the part of the park with more trees. The path here was more overgrown, so less people would be there.
Oh, I wonder if you’re thinkin’ “Is she alright all alone?”
Belkia stopped when he felt his phone buzz. He took it out of his jacket pocket, hoping to see a reply from Tsubaki.
I wonder if you tried to call but couldn’t find your phone…
Belkia wilted a bit when he saw that it was just someone who messaged the wrong number though. He would have heard if his phone went off, his ringtone was hard to miss. Why wasn’t Tsubaki returning any of his messages. The only reasonable explanation was if Tsubaki had lost his phone and wasn’t able to respond. Or that he didn’t care anymore. That’s not the answer! Belkia thought to himself angrily. But he couldn’t get that possibility out of his head.
He continued walking before he stopped suddenly. Up ahead, off to the right, he thought he saw a flash of a white cape disappearing behind a turn.
Have I ever crossed your thoughts because your name’s all over mine…
Belkia knew that thinking it was Tsubaki was just him looking any connections back to the man, but either way, Belkia hurried over to that direction. Belkia listened for any sounds of footsteps. He didn’t hear any, but he turned in the direction where it looked like he saw the person going. He came to a fork in the path and stopped for a second. If it was Tsubaki, then if he chose the wrong path he would never see Tsubaki again. Belkia walked down the left path, hoping that his random choice would be right. Belkia started to walk faster, until he was running. He scanned the surrounding trees around him, hoping to see Tsubaki.
Until there he was, standing in front of Belkia.
A moment in time, don’t watch me cry…
Tsubaki was facing away from Belkia, watching the path ahead of him. “Tsubaki!” Belkia called.
Tsubaki turned around to face Belkia. “Belkia, what are you doing here?” Tsubaki asked.
“I was walking through the park when I saw you. So, I came to talk to you,” Belkia said.
Tsubaki didn’t answer for a second, but then gave Belkia one of his odd smiles. “I told you to forget about me, why didn’t you? You should’ve just ignored me and kept going.”
“I don’t want to forget you! Tsubaki you were what gave my life meaning! Don’t leave me alone now!” Belkia cried.
Tsubaki looked at Belkia. “I used you. All I did was endanger you by putting you in fights that I should have taken care of myself.”
“No, that’s not true! You don’t understand, I need you, because when you’re not here, I have NOTHING. My life is empty. And even if you did use me, I don’t care!” Belkia insisted.
“You’ll be better off alone,” Tsubaki said.
“No! I don’t want to be alone, Tsubaki!” Belkia cried. But Tsubaki had already disappeared.
A moment in time don’t watch me cry…
Belkia looked around before he ran back onto the main path of the park. Belkia looked around for Tsubaki. He wasn’t there. Belkia had let him leave, again. Belkia felt tears forming in his eyes. He reached up with one hand and took his glasses off. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He couldn’t stop himself from crying though. “Tsuba-kyun…” Belkia said quietly.
Belkia felt someone come up behind him and wrap their arm around his neck.
I’m not crying ‘cause you left me on my own…
“Beru,” Tsubaki said from behind Belkia.
Belkia gasped slightly. He closed his eyes. Was this real. He felt the tears continue to fall.
“Why are you crying?” Tsubaki asked as he let go of Belkia and walked in front of him.
Belkia couldn’t form a sentence, so instead he just shook his head slightly.
I’m not crying ‘cause you left me with no warning…
Tsubaki pulled Belkia into a hug again. The difference in height between the two made it awkward, but they made it work either way. Belkia smiled to himself, this was what he had been wishing for a few nights ago.
I’m just crying ‘cause I can’t escape what could’ve been…
“Don’t leave again Tsuba-kyun,” Belkia said. “You’re already back, so what’s even the point in leaving?”
“Do you really not want me to leave?” Tsubaki asked.
“I don’t. Please stay here.”
“All right then Beru, I won’t leave again,” Tsubaki said.
Are you aware when you set me free…
Belkia stepped back from Tsubaki. “You didn’t know when you left that I would be so unhappy, you thought I would be happier. You were wrong.”
All I can do is let my heart bleed…
“I had nothing in life that was worth doing anymore,” Belkia said.
Tsubaki looked at Belkia before he smiled. “Well, I’m here now, and you’re fine. But you survived the whole time, and you’re unharmed. So obviously you would be able to go on without me.”
Belkia nodded and the two of them walked back to the hotel. Looks like I’ll always be wearing long sleeves from now on though, Belkia thought to himself as he thought of what Tsubaki had said. He didn’t want to prove Tsubaki wrong. He was surprised that Tsubaki hadn’t noticed the scar on his neck though.
But what Tsubaki didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, right?
Besides, Belkia had Tsubaki back, there wasn’t a need for him to add any more scars now.