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the LA winter never felt right to her.
the wind never bit hard enough and her jacket was too small, too thin for the supposed winter.
it was too warm.
every breath she took was normal. it filled her fucked up lungs just fine. there was no sharp taste to it.
nothing like back home.
Still, the winter was far more pleasant than the sweltering summer. They could spend their entire day practicing and then also be able to step outside without immediately overheating. sometimes 12 hour practice days combined with summer LA temperatures made her question every life choice everyday she woke up and chose repeat it.
Stepping outside around the back of their practice facilities, Manon breathed in the non-freezing air deeply, slightly disappointed at the lack of chill that would’ve spread through her body by now back in Switzerland. She had slipped out of the practice room at the first possible moment; just as the choreographer let them take a break. the smoke from cigarette she lit slowly filled the area around her. That smell remained a constant in her life, between Lucerne, Zurich, LA, Seoul, Tokyo or wherever she went. A habit she picked up when she was young, her only vice when times got stressful. Not that she wasn’t trying to quit, especially given how her members always urged her to.
None of the members gave her a second look as she ran out the door though. it wasn’t usual for her to step out but it had been a particularly tough day for everyone, they were all focused on catching their own breaths.
The view back of their rehearsal space was nothing like Zurich. Staring out at the flat roads that stretched miles and short tan buildings surrounding them, Manon found herself missing their company.
Dani would tell her about the funniest things her boyfriend did the past week, or show her some dumb meme she found on twitter. they would talk about the foods they were craving and maybe compare words in their respective native tongues. they’d talk about their families and their plans for their hopefully soon to come break. It would be so familiar, comforting. Dani was the first person to click with Manon when Manon accepted the somehow non-scam dm she received, she was the first to defend her from everyone and stand up for her even if that meant hurting some of her own connections with the other contestants, and she would even be the person to hold Manon accountable for her actions and against her promises because that was just the kind of person she was. Debuting with Dani was a dream come true x2, Manon always had a blast spending time with her. Dani would always be her roommate, her bestie, her person and Manon wouldn’t trade her for anyone else in the world.
On the other hand Megan would probably start a natural conversation, and it would somehow drift into the dumbest and funniest topics ever. She’d with fiddle her lighter and probably find a joke in between the conversations that would carry them back inside after the break, and force them to hold back laughter at each glance to each other in the mirror, much to the fond annoyance of the rest of the members. Megan got her on a different wavelength to the others, they were both so comfortable to be different, and it sometimes came out a little weird but neither of them really minded, they leant into it, they played into each others weirdness and the results were always odd and loud and beautifully chaotic; and it was always so worth it.
Lara would probably stand in silence with her, just for a minute. she would steal her cigarette and inhale slowly. They’d make quiet conversation, Lara would probably reach a quick witted joke somewhere that would make Manon cackle, and maybe they’d find a song they’d sing back and forth at each other. There was a certain warmth only Lara brought to every situation. The same warmth that could engulf Manon whole and instead of suffocating she’d find herself feeling more secure and confident than ever. Lara was 3 years younger than Manon but her emotional intelligence gave her an air of self confidence that made Manon forget that fact entirely. It almost felt like witchcraft how easily Lara just understood her, and how easily Manon fell apart around her. It was easy to be herself around Lara. The younger woman was the anchor Manon often found herself needing when she was drifting, and somehow Lara always found her.
Yoonchae would be the least likely to follow Manon outside on her own. Not that they didn’t enjoy each others company, it was just that Manon never enjoyed smoking around the youngest, it reminded her of when she started and how quickly it became impossible to stop. But she needed it on occasion and Yoonchae understood that. Yoonchae always knew more than she let on, her quietness was never because she didn’t care. Finding the right words was tough, Manon out of everyone understood that best, and sometimes the time it took Yoonchae to find the words made her seem indifferent, but she was improving everyday. She was so smart and so young to be in the industry as long as they were. Those facts combined with the almost constant public exposure and eyes on them made Yoonchae just so strong as she handled the criticism and attention with grace. She was almost stronger than a 17 year old ought to be, if Manon thought about it too long she’d tear up and Yoonchae wouldn’t want that so she kept it together. In the same sense, Yoonchae kept them together, she kept them sane. The chaos of Katseye needed the introspection and youth that Yoonchae brought along to find the perfect balance. And it wasn’t that Yoonchae wasn’t chaotic, she was learning from all of her older members and of course she picked up on their drama first and foremost. But between all the sass and energy, Yoonchae was growing up to this become incredible young woman who knew exactly who she was and where she belonged. Manon felt so privileged to witness it firsthand. And even then, that little gut feeling that Manon had that she had to protect Yoonchae would probably never leave her. The whole group was younger than her, but Yoonchae was the baby sister she never had. If Yoonchae was out there with Manon, Manon would stub the cigarette against the wall, let it fall and crush it under her heel without flinching. She’d throw her arm around the younger girl and Yoonchae would push back but not so hard that Manon would let go, eventually she’d lean into the older woman. They wouldn’t say anything, not until Manon would squeeze her cheeks and say something akin to ‘unnie wants to go drink water inside now, kay?’ and Yoonchae would laugh, disentangle herself and they’d walk back in together, slowly.
Sophia wouldn’t be the first to follow Manon, but she wouldn’t be last either. She’d fill the silence before it appeared as they made the short walk around back, talking about some musical thing that would fly over Manons’ head unless it was about wicked, or maybe she’d show Manon the funniest tiktok she saw that week. or on the rarest occasion she’d slip into silence. The kind of silence that invited questions.
Maybe the silence reminded them of popstar academy again. the resentment, the dirty looks and maybe the painful conversations, which naturally segued into the hate. Not from each other- or rather not just from each other, but the way everything was suddenly aired to the entire world, and how it seemed like the entire world had picked sides in a year old argument. The airing of the documentary had done nothing but reveal the wounds that refused to scab over.
The unspoken question on both of their tongues hurt more than anything else. Are we okay now? Will we ever really be okay? Do you still hate me? What if i secretly still hate you. And what if it isn’t hate i feel for you.
The uncertainty clawed at Manon, and when she’d glance at Sophia, for a split second she’d see the reflection of her painted across Sophia’s face. Then it would be gone, and it would be Sophia again. composed and bright, because she was never not those things.
She’d scoff lightly at the cigarette dangling from Manons’ lips, but she wouldn’t move, she wouldn’t even mention it before filling the silence again. Manon found it remarkable how easily she could just talk and make everything she said make sense. Maybe it was a question of language nativity but manon was fluent in english too, and she never found it easy to open up like that in swiss-german either.
The dynamic worked. Sophia spoke and Manon found that leaning in and paying attention came to her as easily as breathing in cigarette smoke did. It became easier to contribute to the conversation too. At the end of the day their history meant very little when faced with the present.
With how far Katseye had come in just a year and a half, and how far they had yet to go. The endless practices, late nights shared hotel rooms, shared trauma, and countless hours of time together had forged a camaraderie stronger than a stupid documentary or internet hate trains could break.
Manon had always loved Sophia, and she had always loved the rest of the Katseye girls. Before she even knew it they were her family. That kind of bond doesn’t just fall apart, and if there were a statement to make about Manon it would be her loyalty. She would be family to them through and through.
So when the break ended and Manon walked back to the room, maybe the way their faces lit up at her reappearance didn’t surprise her as much as it could’ve. They sat in a loose circle, Megan and Sophia lining the couch while Yoonchae and Lara sat sprawled on the floor while Dani leaned against the wall. There were layers of conversation going on in the expected chaos of Katseye. It appeared that Lara had coached Yoonchae to ragebait dani and Megan was seeing how far she could push her aegyo before Sophia decked her for it. It had all paused as she opened the door.
They smiled at her, and Manon smiled back.
Maybe the LA winter never felt as sharp as the swiss winters. Maybe the wind never cut her face in the same way and the lack of snow made her shiver. But the LA winters were still filled with as much joy as skiing down the tallest mountains did. The days were endlessly busy and on occasions her problems compounded until they were uncontainable, but surrounded by the people who cared for her the most, the warmth in the large practice room could compete the warmth of a living room with a lit fireplace and the sweet smell of cinnamon and glüwein floating though the air.
Maybe she missed home sometimes, but maybe sometimes her home was right there in-front of her, contained in the hearts of the 5 wonderful girls she had gotten impossibly lucky to know.