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"I want you to be the old you, Thame."
Day after day the same sentence said to him by the love of his life. Heart-wrenching and cruel but still fair.
Most days, the words would go unanswered as he stared at the calendar on the table Po and him bought together after their first Christmas living together. Important days were circled with notes on its side by Po's pink highlighter he carried everywhere. The day they moved in, the first time throwing a dinner party for friends, first movie night they had, the day Po gifted Thame a suit that was made all by himself and much more were marked in this calendar. Almost every page of it appeared pink with little to no space for emptiness. Two pages of the it had two puppy stickers Po insisted to put on their birthday dates. They were only for very special days, as Po emphasized smiling brightly. Their colors were faded and corners torn now, like somehow they knew the fingers who placed them diligently on the page were no longer there.
It stood dusted where Thame put on the office table in the corner of the living room in shadows; the days and weeks lived, couple of months passed after its last date. The 31st of December, when their life changed.
"I want you to be the old you, Thame. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for me, please!"
Sometimes couple of new words would accompany the same old demand, costing big efforts to Po to be seen by Thame in his ghostly visits.
In those days, Thame would let himself have the luxury to shed some tears in front of Po, not being able to stop for a long time. Detaching from every emotion besides grief and pitying himself everyday was manageable. But knowing he was still hurting his P'Po after he was gone was tearing his heart apart, if he had any heart left at all in his absence.
"P'Po."
His voice sounded hoarse. A word spoken after hours of silence. It was his routine for almost a year now. Wake up, sit in silence, stare at their calendar, eat one meal and sleep. Wake up and relive the same scenario. Sometimes forcefully get dragged outside by friends, followed by a visit to his doctor thanks to them. Pills acquired but counselings denied. Those days always ended Thame leaving them after the doctor visit, pushing them away no matter how hard they tried. One or two missed calls by his parents every other week. Toss and turn, take some pills, sleep and wake up. Next day relieve the cycle again.
"P'Po can i see you today?"
He continued. A week had passed since Po let Thame see himself. Maybe he was too weak to show himself nowadays. It had happened two months ago too. His soul was not at rest since the day he passed, returning to their home to make sure Thame was okay everyday. Maybe that was the reason he wasn't ready to reincarnate, but Po couldn't help himself repeating the same routine over and over again. He was afraid what Thame was capable of having this sorrow.
He wasn't doing well, just like Po's soul wasn't.
After a prolonged silence Thame got panicked, suddenly realizing the inevitable. What if yesterday was Po's final goodbye? What if it was his time to go now? Yesterday couldn't even count as a goodbye, he didn't even get to see him but only heard a whisper of his name. He wouldn't leave like that would he? Not like this, not right now…
But had he even have any choice in this anyway? Thame could feel the anxiety starting to climb from his trembling hands, numbing the trace it followed all the through his arms and body, finally reaching his chest.
"P'Po! Don't leave me like this i beg you, please! Not now! Please don't!" He screamed in the empty living room.
"Let me see you one last time! P'Po, please!"
"Thame. Listen to me..."
Thame turned around in a haste, tears already formed in his eyes, ready for the right moment to fall. A translucent figure with a glowy halo around it was starting to form Po's body, his ghost self.
"P'Po! You didn't leave?"
Thame stumbled to him closer, feeling a mix of gratitude and anticipation, almost in tears but he held it. He wanted to hold Po now more than ever but knew he couldn't. Not anymore.
"Thame listen to me, please. I'm sorry, i am! I tried…I really really did try my best to be with you as much longer as i could but now-"
"Shh! Don't talk or you're gonna get weak again. You're already showing yourself to me it's much more than you can bare nowadays!"
"Thame…"
"No, don't! Don't speak! Please, just—stay there and I'll look at you. Only for a minute, okay? Then leave so you can come back tomorrow P'Po, deal? You don't even have to show yourself just whisper my name and i'll know! Promise me! You are weak, you need to get your strength up!"
Thame was panting, his tone going higher and higher with every new sentence leaving no empty space between his words in horror of Po cutting in to say something else to him.
"Thame…"
Po's translucent body flickered like it was one of those old television channels that kept losing signal. He took a step closer to the younger man, lifting up his hands to cup his face, only to get disappointed as the hands went through Thame's once soft cheek he could feel.
"Aren't you tired,hm?"
Thame broke into tears shaking in woe, desperately trying to hold the hands that was supposed to hug his face but instead went flickering once again. He let his tears fall helplessly unable to have the comfort of his lovers touch.
"I'm hurt when i see you like this everyday Thame. Please..."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry P'Po…I know but-"
Thame couldn't even finish the sentence, instead he crumpled on the floor shoving his head in his arms rocking back and forth, crying. His heart was hurting physically, he clasped his chest in an attempt to take a deeper breath. It was tiring living like this but the worst of it all was the guilt. He kept hurting Po as much as he hurt himself everyday, if not more. The guilt of feeling like a burden to Po and holding him down with his sorrow on this earth was searing his heart. His soul was not at peace and it was Thame's fault.
The guilt of wasting his precious time stuck in a cycle that kept eating him alive while Po's had to be cut short felt too heavy for his heart to bare, sinking it deeper and deeper alongside his shame. Po wanted him to live his life for the both of them now. The words he kept telling him every other day confirmed, but he couldn't even give him that. He was weak and useless, in disgust of himself everyday on top of the grief. No good to live nor to die. He was fit to live in agony like this, for the things he did—or mostly didn't. Or couldn't.
"Thame, shh. It's okay love, come here."
Thame heard the clear tone of Po, terrifyingly similar to his actual voice while he was alive. Not a whisper or an airy talk like his ghost self does. He looked behind his arms to see—Po?
Standing in front of him in their living room, like he never left, like the last couple of months was a joke Thame's mind played on him, it was Po. Thame reached out carefully to touch him, in horror to see the flickering once again but he didn't. His fingers caught the palm of Po, able to hold his hand this time.
He was alive again! Thame crushed his body into hugging Po with a force so strong, both couldn't help but to fall into the sofa in a crumbled mess of a hug.
"P'Po! How? Is this real-"
Thame spoke, his voice muffled under the shoulder of Po he was tightly holding. He tried to calm his breath wiping the tears but it was no use. The cry and the sniffles filled the silent room as Po kept assuring Thame to let it all out. The moment Thame got calmer after minutes, he relaxed into the hug and Po knew he needed to say the things he intented to, before it was too late for him.
"Thame."
"It's my last hours here. I'm using all my ability to…Appear. I'm using my full power because this is the last day i could see you. Ever. I'm sorry but this is it…"
Po softly spoke, afraid to trigger another panic crying from Thame. Thankfully he just kept on sniffing his nose caressing Po's arm.
"Can we stay like this P'Po?"
"Of course, love."
"I can manage to live like this…" Thame said after a minute, full of hope forgetting Po's words in prior.
"This isn't living Thame, you are only surviving day by day. Barely…"
"I'm living as long as i'm with you P'Po."
"No Thame. You can't think like that anymore…"
Thame stayed silent not acknowledging the words in any way, instead hugged Po closer, burying his face into the crook of Po's neck expecting his comforting clean fabric softener and the sweet tangerine smell.
Except it wasn't there. Not only his smell, but however tightly he tried to squeeze him it wasn't like before, when he was alive and well in his arms. His pink flushed cheeks faded, his once shining expressive eyes was dull and steady however sad Po was at the moment. It felt to Thame there was a thick cold wall between, separating them, reminding him this was only a temporary bliss. A filter of lifelessness was covering Po's every part that could be seen, smell, heard and feel, bitterly.
"Do you remember when you tried to fix the AC yourself P'Po? Because you insisted so much? At the end we had to sleep through the freezing cold night hugging each other for warmth, until they fixed it a day after?"
Po skim through the memories he got to hold, hoping it was one of the ones he didn't lose and thankfully he didn't. Not yet.
"Yeah, i was being hard-headed that day i guess." He tried to smile contently, remembering after a second.
"You feel as cold as that day, but naturally now...And…P'Po? No matter how long i hold you just like that night, you won't get any warmer don't you?"
Thame's eyes were glistening from tears, but at least he wasn't shaking uncontrollably now. He spoke into Po's chest, talking to his heart directly, almost trying to get an approval from it.
"I'm sorry love, no…" Po whispered, hands traveling through Thame's now long but still soft hair to comfort him.
"I know…" He looked up catching Po's gaze, drained and helpless. His bottom lip trembled as he spoke again.
"Of course i know that…But…I really can't help it you know? It hurts so much. Grief invaded me. It's like— i don't have a heart anymore P'Po. It died and had become a ghost just like you. Maybe to not leave you alone? It's always with you, keeps following you wherever you go, so i can't feel anything when you are not here with me anymore."
For some reason Po never cried after becoming a ghost, no matter how devastated he was, how sad he felt for Thame or seeing his family's and loved ones sorrow. Maybe he was unable to, he didn't know. But he could start to feel his eyes burn a little now after hearing the younger man's words.
Thame continued after the silence, asking the thing he was scared to get an answer the most.
"Were you scared P'Po?"
Po knew exactly what Thame was talking about.
New years eve, party at friends. They had to go separately because of their schedules. The crash. Alone Po, bleeding to death in an ambushed car. Too late the doctors said.
He decided to be honest but caring. Thame needed the get through this with truths or else he wouldn't be convinced no matter how long they talked about this, and Po didn't have enough time on this earth even as his ghost self to lie to convince him.
"Yes. I was. But for a short time. It all happened too fast."
Thame furrowed and stopped to think, from what Po was seeing he must have been remembering that day all in its horror.
"We should've gone to the party together, i could just ask to leave early but i didn't. We were practising for our new song that morning." He was staring at the dirty pile of mugs on the kitchen counter like he was in a trance.
"Funny, i don't even remember the name of the song anymore. And after just…It rained too much that day right P'Po?"
Po nodded. He knew Thame felt guilty somehow, even if it was never his fault. He knew this was the thing he needed to fix to move on. For both of them.
"I'm sorry i couldn't get to the hospital on time. I'm sorry i couldn't hold your hand when they told me there was nothing left to do anymore and…"
He held Po's face ignoring its coldness, paleness and dullness all together and started to left tiny pecks to his forehead, cheeks and finally his lips, savoring every little touch. It felt like a cold breeze on Thame's lips, one that catches you off guard, wishing you had thought before stepping outside from the warmth of your home. But it was still his P'Po and he was his home. No matter how cold, stern and distant he felt now in this form.
At the same time after he experienced the ghost Po as humanly as he could now, he knew Po was right. It was time to confront his struggles now, starting with the help of him. He couldn't continue to let Po down returning to his habits, not after this, not after knowing he was the reason why Po struggled for him even after he was gone.
After pulling away from their tight hug to look at Po, he spoke again in a tiny voice.
"I'm sorry i still hurt you P'Po. Somehow i keep doing the only thing i wanted to protect you from. Even after you-"
"Died." He finally said. The word he intently avoided from to put alongside Po's name to anyone he spoke to, even to himself in his mind. A very big step forward after months of self-torture.
"Thame." Po cupped his face.
"It's okay…Trust me, it is. You can't see the future and fix its problems no matter how good, careful, selfless you are, okay? It's not your fault. It never was and never will be. You can't go on to beat yourself up like this anymore, please…"
Thame lowered down his gaze unable to hold an eye contact any longer. Po continued.
"But if you don't believe me and still want forgiveness, still want to hear me say it, then i will. I'll give you that. I forgive you Thame, okay? For anything you wish to to be forgiven for."
He held Thame's chin softly to make him look up, almost afraid to broke Thame like he was fragile to touch.
"Now, promise me to get better, be better. Please? That's my only wish from now on."
Thame hugged back at Po's arms escaping his gaze again. He put his hand over Po's cold chest, unable feel the assuring thumpings of it like he heard before countless times embracing him. A heart that skipped a beat from seeing him was no longer there and the sooner he accepted the fact was better. It didn't mean he had to let Po go from his thoughts, memories or heart.
He was determined to not let anyone forget Po, but that itself started with him being someone determined to live, and not just survive.
"Okay."
"No, Thame…Really! You really have to promise me! Don't say it only to give an answer! You have live like how you promised me, and not just survive, okay?" Po said like he could read Thame's mind.
"I do, P'Po. I promise."
"You do?"
"I do! Promise! It's hard but i'll try. My best."
"Good." Po smiled before continuing.
"Or else i'll make sure to my ghost friends will haunt you down after i reincarnate."
"P'Po! What? How? That's scary, no!"
Somehow naive and curious, Po laughed. A glimpse of old Thame was still there and Po was glad to experience it one last time before he left this world tonight.
"Are you scared of me too?"
"Of course not P'Po! How could i be ever scared of you?"
Thame flashed a smile placing his nose under Po's chin softly pushing upwards, a habit of his for Po only.
"See, you'll smile even more starting from now on. You promised."
"I know. I did…And i'll try, really! For you."
"And for yourself most importantly."
"Yes, and for myself. I will." Thame gave another tiny smile settling into Po's hug even more comfortably.
"Good." Thame approved again.
Couple of seconds later Thame spoke again hesitantly.
"It's Jun's birthday next week, he'll have a gathering…"
"Great! You'll go!"
"P'Po-"
"You will! And then you'll see how it will only become easier after that. It's scary at first maybe but this is the only solution to have your life back Thame. Don't hide yourself in sadness, grief or shame anymore. Please just… You have to be somewhere else; meet up with people, find happiness in small things again, try new things, love new things and…"
"Maybe new people and…A new person."
"I don't want to love a new person P'Po." The answer was almost at instant.
"Okay, love. However you want to but—But know that if you do… Some time… It's okay."
Silence. Thame would never love another person like Po was intending, for certain. Not even if hundred years had past till he reached his death bed, he was sure.
"I hope you heal and someday actually—do..." Po continued.
The last thing Po needed to make sure before he left, was Thame to never feel the guilt again about something that could remind of Po. For something that wasn't wrong, for being like his old self, for being human again.
Thame didn't answer. He sighed and held Po's hand after placing a kiss. Po decided somethings would get better after years, or at least he hoped.
They talked about random memories Thame remembered here and there through the night, Po carefully listening, smiling and adding details when needed. He kept on caressing Thame's hair holding him tightly in their hug, till he heard the steady breathing of him. Po stayed like that for a while, soaking up the last moments he could ever feel in this lifetime, in his way of saying goodbye till it was his time to go.
But he had one last thing to do while he was still in here.
***
Bright morning light peaked from the blinds waking up well rested Thame, after only having drug induced night sleeps for months this was even better than what he could've imagine. He streched to relax his back after hours of laying on the hard pillows of the sofa and realized he was alone.
Po was gone. Really, gone. He could never hear his voice, see him-even it was in his translucent flickering figure- or feel his presence in their apartment, ever again. Thame waited for the wave of sorrow to hit him, just like it did every morning after he woke up, but it didn't.
The only thing he could feel was contentedness. Po was where he was supposed to be, finally at peace, and that was the only thing that mattered to him, for now.
After getting up to have a glass of water something grabbed his attention on the other side of the room. The undusted office table had something on it, opposing the surrounding objects with its bright color.
Thame got closer to the table taking a glance.
A new calendar for the next year was sitting beside to the old one. A highlighter pen and a new puppy sticker sheet was placed next to it, one missing from the stack.
January 1st was circled in by the pink highlighter and the missing puppy sticker from the stack was sticked above the number. He read the wobbly words that was written as small as that pink neon highlighter could write to fit the empty space, and smiled to himself for the first time after months.
Live everyday, promise?