Archive of Our Own

Jisung

“Hyung, can I borrow your laptop ? Mine's battery is dead and I can't find its charger ?”

“Help yourself.”

Minho didn't raise his head from his phone, no second thoughts on what he allowed Jisung to do. Inside him, Jisung was touched by the trust Minho had in him. That made them close, closest actually than with any other member of their group. That was also why they were living together, they needed this comfort, this peace and this trust to be well, to be themselves, to simply be.

Jisung took the laptop from the couch, sat down on their table in the living room and opened it. The screen lighted up, displaying all the apps already running. He didn't look precisely, he wasn't there to spy on his roommate but to work. So he searched for the web browser and clicked on it. It was already opened and the last page Minho was consulting appeared. Discarding it in his mind, he went to the plus sign to open a new tab.

Wait.

Was it his name ?

His finger still hover the button, his eyes scanned the page he was on, searching for his name, or the word similar to it. No, there was no word similar to his name. It was his name. Not just once but multiple times. Almost every line got his name on. Alongside Minho's name. And stuff…

What was this website ? Archive of our own… Oh, he remembered, Felix mentioned it one day. It was- what did he call it ? Fan… fanromance, no, fan… something with fan. The word popped from the site : fanfiction. People were writing things on imaginary characters, or real people. Insane.

Jisung took a look at Minho but he seemed to ignore what was going on a few meters away.

Something strange ran in his blood.

He checked again the screen and started reading more carefully.

‘Jisung and Minho goes on vacation and… have to share one bed…’

‘AU. Jisung needs to find a boyfriend for the engagement party of his brother…’

What’s AU ? Where did people find those ideas ? And more importantly, why Minho was on this ?

He shouldn't be doing this… he shouldn't but his curiosity took his will away. Was it out of curiosity that Minho went on this site ? 

Fully conscious of his wrongdoings, Jisung still clicked on the profile link and fell in another universe. Or he seemed to be. His stomach started to melt inside him.

“Everything’s good ?” Minho’s voice popped up.

He nearly jumped from his seat, scared that he was being caught doing something wrong. He was, but he didn’t want Minho to know.

“Yeah, yeah. I just… I struggle to log into my account,” he whispered a little out of breath.

“Okay.”

He shouldn’t be worried, Minho didn’t even take his eyes off his cellphone, he was in his own world, unaware of the meltdown Jisung was in the middle of. He should just open another tab and start working on the music he had in mind. But what he found… under his eyes was this section “History”. It was not empty. It was filled with, he deduced, fanfictions Minho read. And all of them were about them. About them getting involved romantically.

Without thinking twice, Jisung opened his own email account, copied all the links he could and sent the email to himself. He had to read them, to understand why Minho had read them.

He closed everything, the heart beating fast, really fast. And opened, at last, his music sheet account.

What was the music in his head earlier ?

It vanished. His brain was blank. Except for the words he saw on this site. There were everywhere in his mind, like there was no space left for anything else. He tried to mentally put them out but they kept coming back, one after another, filling his mind, leaving him restless, unable to do anything.

But he couldn’t move, could he ? His hyung would find it suspicious. Usually, inspiration did not leave him in peace until he put everything into music. It was like his mind was possessed and Minho knew about it. He was possessed but not by music, by pure curiosity. This feeling ramped along his skin, he wanted to scratch it but resisted, for now. Minho was still on his phone, sitting on the couch, never glancing toward him. Maybe…

He finally closed the laptop and gave it back to Minho.

“Thanks hyung.”

“Always, anything good ?”

Minho looked up on him, like he did everytime, like if he was the world. Each time, his heart always stopped for one second, maybe more. It made him feel special, unique, the center of someone’s universe. Each person that Minho graces with this attention should feel honored.

“Naah, that didn’t fit well,” he discarded the question.

“Sure ? Do you want me to check ?”

Jisung shaked his head in denial.

“No need, I deleted everything, I think it needs time to develop itself in here,” he said pointing at this head.

“Okay. I’m going to watch an anime, do you want to join ?”

“I’ll pass. ‘Night hyung.”

“Good night.”

The pressure Jisung had on his shoulders vanished to moment he got inside his room. There was no way Minho could have suspected anything, that he found something on his laptop.

MinHo

As he came home, he was welcomed by darkness. Again. For the sixth consecutive time. He knew that if he went in front of Jisung’s room, there will be a dim light under the door, proving that his roommate was already home, like he knew he would be. The other nights, when he was home earlier than Jisung, did not change the outcome, the younger one would enter the house, greet him and go to his room. Hide in it. There was no other words. Jisung was hiding from him.

And it’s been more than one week.

Was he depressed again ? 

Was he uncomfortable living with him ?

Did he regret choosing to live with him ?

He tried to clear his throat but some sort of ball was still bothering him, making him uncomfortable, uneasy in his own skin. His hand started fiddling his shirt, unable to stand still, needing to be active. Until now, he managed to handle his feelings but tonight, he was exhausted, tired, mentally close to the breakdown. He needed some anchor, something to ease him, to make him feel less, he needed… Jisungie.

Closing his eyes, still at the entrance of their house, his bags in his hands, he tried to handle himself. But he was failing. His heart was racing, his body needed to move but couldn’t find the strength to do it. He was losing himself.

“Hyung ?”

The voice came from nowhere until the light turned on and Jisung appeared in front of him, a worry marked on his face.

“What’s going on ?”

Nothing could come out of his mouth, he just stared at his roommate, trying to read him, to decipher him.

One touch was all he needed. The world became colorful again, he didn’t even noticed before that it wasn’t, he could breath normally and the tension that steadied his body left him. Not completely but enough to allow him to move, just a little. 

“What’s wrong ?”

“What’s wrong with you ?”

Jisung’s face was an open book for everyone, every feeling he felt was showing on his face. Like the ‘not knowing’ what he was talking about.

“What’s wrong with me ?”

“Are you depressed ? Do you feel down ? Do you need to see or talk to someone ?”

His bluntness seemed to shock Jisung. He watched him take a few steps back, like he punched him instead of asking questions. Jisung certainly knew that he would not sugar anything.

“No ! I’m fine.”

Minho said nothing back, studying precisely every trait of Jisung’s face, trying to discern any lies, anything that would indicate otherwise.

“I assure you Hyung, I am well, mentally well,” he insisted on the last point.

Minho only nodded but keep staring at him.

“Do you want to live with Felix ? Or Seungmin ? Or Chan ?”

“No ! Hyung ?!”

Only shock was displaying on his face, nothing more, no relief, no enthusiasm, no excitement.

“Do you find living with me hard ? Do I make you feel uncomfortable ?”

“What ? No ! Why do you think that ?”

“Then why do you hide in your room ?”

Silence fell in the room, like their voices were stolen by some malicious god. There, he was right.

“I do not hide in my room.”

The lie was right there, they knew each other for eight years, Jisung was an open book, he should know he would see through him. But anyway, he lied to him. The hurt Minho felt was fulgurant. He wasn’t expecting to be hurt that much. That his… safe place would betray him, eye to eye, without hesitation.

“Never mind.”

At least, his body was able to move again, he got out of Jisung's grip and went ahead, straight to his room. He locked it as soon as he entered, just in time to counter Jisung's attempts to come in.

“Hyung ! Talk to me, what's wrong ?”

Minho took his headset and put them on. They were soundproof and the voice of Jisung disappeared totally.

Jisung

He hit the door multiple times, his hand was aching but he didn't mind, the sad look on his hyung face was devastating. He had hurt him. It's the first time since they met each other. He couldn't bear it, Minho should never be hurt by anyone, especially by him. He did not deserve it.

He rested his head on the door, finally accepting that Minho would not answer. He probably had put his headset on, he used to do that when he needed peace. Or if his day was hard on him. But those times, he was resting his head on Jisung's lap playing with his hand, not alone in his own room.

Should he stay here ? Should he go ? Minho's face flashed again in front of his eyes… no, tonight he won't be his safe place. Maybe he won't be for some time. Maybe never again…

The head down, Jisung went back to his own room. And, like each evening since the previous week, he opened his laptop and opened the website. He was very busy during the day with his commitment with the group, so he had not already finished the list of Minho's readings. He was still far from the end. He was not a fast reader, nor a slow one. But some of these fanfictions were really long. Almost as long as a book. And it talked about them. Or them but not them. But the character Minho and the character Jisung always ended together. Or more. So much more. Too much more.

Everything they really did were in those stories. Their interactions, their link, their personalities, for each story he read it was them. They were giving them feelings, purposes to those actions that were romantic ?

Why would hyung read this ?

Did he find it interesting ?

Did he read those scenes ?

The first one, he was too shocked to stop himself. At the end, he felt weird. Uneasy. The very next morning, he couldn't look at his hyung in the eye. It took him about half the day to get it together and act normal again. After, he tried to fly over those parts. And so, he went on, a story after another. Reading while he fell in love with Minho, again and again, and again. Being loved by Minho, being cherished by Minho, being happy with Minho. Each time he went home, he had to go on his computer, he had to keep reading.

One week later, he kept reading because he still didn't find the reason behind this.

And now, he had upset his hyung, made him feel sad, maybe even rejected. Otherwise, why this question about making him uncomfortable ? He didn't think about how his behavior would have been seen by his roommate. Pabo. 

…

Then, he started reading a new story.

Tired from the missing hours of sleep, Jisung was still stuck about dealing with Minho. It was out of the question to reveal the truth. As much as to lie. Last night he saw that there was no way Minho wouldn't find out he was lying.

The guilt from reading those stories was in every fiber of his body and he didn’t know where it came from. He didn’t even like reading them, it made him feel strange, uneasy in his own body, like he didn’t own it anymore. His heart also raced more and more, signs he was uncomfortable. Was Minho feeling this way too ? 

Minho

Waking up was strange this morning. He felt out of sync with the universe. His night was restless, he couldn’t manage to find sleep. At 3am, he stopped trying and went to retrieve his laptop from the couch where he left it. While waiting for it to start, he pounded his choices : an anime or AO3 In the depth of his brain, he knew his choice but he needed to acknowledge that there was other choices, he wasn’t stuck on this. Even if he was. His brain wouldn’t let him rest until he got what he wanted.

This obsession debuted three years ago, one day he was scrolling on the social media and a tweet or an instagram post or whatever popped with a link and the caption about Jisung and him caught dating. If this was another day, he would have passed it without thoughts but it was the case, they went out together the night before, it could have seemed to be a date. So he clicked and it brought him to this website called Archive of our own. This was not a news media, he saw that first hand. His curiosity took the lead and he searched every piece of information about it. It took him less than half an hour to understand its purpose, it was not that complicated. The last step before his obsession began was to click again to open the fanfiction that lead him there. And…

This was what his brain was craving, coming back into this world where his own self could do or tell things we was not supposed to do or tell. Or feel. It made his mind at peace. And peace was all his was asking for to function correctly.

The door of Jisung’s room opened, making him go out his mind. The face of the younger one appeared, as tired as he was. Wasn’t he able to sleep too ?

“Morning hyung.”

Jisung’s voice was still rough, he should have waken up just now.

“Morning.”

Minho got up and went to retrieve the coffee mug Jisung used, filled it with coffee and set it on the table. He put some rice in a bowl, got the omelet from the frying pan that was still keeping it warm. Jisung was already sitting on the dining table when Minho put down the plate.

“Thanks hyung.”

“Mmmh.”

He finally sat next to him, resuming his own breakfast. Soon enough, his hand reached for Jisung’s leg and rest on it, just to get to touch him. Something in him eased at this feeling, like it was the missing piece to find the real peace. But his hand couldn’t stay still, he needed to move, just a little because resting still was strange, uncomfortable. So each finger started to tap Jisung’s leg, gently, one after another, in a synchronized way. He could finally breathe normally.

Jisung

His mind was spiralling, not in a bad way like he used to, but he was overanalyzing everything. Minho’s hand on his thigh was not unusual, in fact, it was an habit they had each morning. Minho’s was craving this connection, it made him always relaxed and Jisung was more than happy to bring this to his hyung. It didn’t disturbed him, he didn’t mind, in fact, he enjoyed it.

But this morning… it reminded him of multiple stories he read. The possible meaning behind this gesture. The possible meaning of what he felt. The possible meaning of what Minho’s felt. The possible meaning of this habit.

He was questioning himself, too much, too hard.

And his mind was spiralling on all the possibilities. On the impact of reading on his feelings, on his thoughts.

He didn’t have those thoughts before.

He didn’t.

Did he ?

Was he enjoying this touch more than he should ? Had he, in the past, enjoyed it too much ? Had he been too much for Minho ?

Because sometimes, what the character Jisung felt was what he felt, like what he really felt on a similar occasion with the real Minho. That meant something for character Jisung. But he couldn’t feel the same, could he ? There were no second thoughts on his actions toward Minho, weren’t there ? He-

“Oh Jisung by the way, Chan hyung is coming here this morning, he needs to talk to you.”

“Why ?”

Minho’s shaked his shoulders randomly to answer.

“He didn’t tell you anything ?”

“Maybe something about 3racha ? Don’t know.”

“Will you be there hyung ?”

“Nope, I’m meeting Changbin for a new content video for Instagram. I think. Or whatever social media it is.”

“Oh.”

It was not unusual that Minho didn’t look up at him while talking. He could fixate on him or not look at him at all, no middle. But sometimes Jisung needed that connection, so he went for it : he balanced himself right and left until his head could rest on Minho’s shoulder. And he stayed like that, without any rejection from his hyung, both eating their remaining breakfast in silence.

Minho had left for one hour when Chang hyung arrived at their apartment. He knocked once before entering.

“Jisung-ah !”

His scream resonated in every room, managing to make the young one jumped scared, even if he heard him knock. Chan could be childish sometimes.

“I’m right here hyung, no need to scream like that.”

“I didn’t scream.”

“Right, right.”

Chan put his bag on a chair before joining him on the couch, not close to him, but not so far from him. Just in reach if needed. Jisung knew that this position was purposefully chosen by the aussie, he saw it in his posture. This conversation would not be a pleasant one nor a professional one.

“What are you doing here ?”

He squeezed on the crack he perceived in his own voice. And on the soft gaze Chan gave him. He was not as fragile as before. He had found balance.

“How are you Jisung ?”

“Fine.”

He pushed himself in the back of the couch, to feel more comfortable.

“You look tired. And I know well that it’s not from any commitment for the group.”

“I didn’t sleep much, that’s all.”

The look on Chan’s face told him that he didn’t believe him.

“I spent my night reading stuff. That’s all.”

“Reading ?”

“Do not look at me like that, it’s not like I don’t how to.”

“No but you’re not known to be reading all night.”

That was true.

“What are you reading ?”, Chan asked interested.

“You know you’re not my dad ? I don’t have to tell you ?”

Chan’s gentle laugh filled the room and his smile made Jisung feel easy. He wasn’t attacking him, he was concerned about him.

“How did you know ?”, Jisung asked wanting to change the subject away from his readings.

“How did I know what ?”

“That I looked tired.”

Chan didn’t answer right away, surely weighing what was the best option.

“Minho texted me. He’s worried about you. You avoid him.”

“I’m not !”

Chan’s eyebrow went up, he was clearly not believing him.

“Are you sure ?”

“Yes ! I’m not avoiding him, I just… I spiralled through my reading, I can’t stop or I need to start to read again as soon as I’m home. I’m not avoiding him.”

As if he could. He couldn’t before. He couldn’t even more now.

“What are you reading Jisung ?”

He felt his cheeks starting to burn.  Could he tell Chan ? Maybe he could help him ? He looked at him, Chan hyung was only waiting for his answer, not expecting much from him. Acknowledging that made him talk.

“I found something on Minho hyung laptop.”

And he kept talking and talking and talking. Chan didn’t interrupt him, never judged him while he described all he was feeling, the strange emotions while reading, the guilt he held toward his roommate, the jealousy that rose from this chest when character Minho was romantically involved with another than character Jisung. Finally, he stopped, breathless, exhausted.

“That’s a lot.”

Jisung agreed with Chan but remained silent. In fact, he was thirsty. He got up from the couch, letting their leader think. He took a glass from the cupboard and poured water in it.

“Did you tell any of this to Minho ?”

Chan had put his head on the backrest, it was all Jisung could see of him.

“Of course not ! How could I tell him ?”

“Because he is the only one to have the answer of all your questions.”

Jisung bit his lips, thinking about that. But he finally nodded in denial :

“That’s not true. Not about how I feel reading those stories.”

“Actually, he does.”

“I doubt that.”

Chan made a funny face at his answer, opened his mouth to say something but closed it right away. The water inside Jisung’s throat became icy. What was he going to say ?

“Nevermind. Is it really that bad what you feel ?”

“I…”

That was his main problem, he couldn’t feel, decide, know, decipher what he was feeling. The uneasiness he felt was wrong but right at the same time. He never experienced something like that before. He admitted it to Chan who remained silent for a few minutes, observing his friend at a distance. Jisung used this time to clean his glass and put it back in the cupboard.

Suddenly, two arms grabbed him from behind and his back hit a rock, or Chan’s chest he discovered rapidly.

“Hyung, let go !”

Chan chuckled in his ear but let go of him right away.

“Would you react like that with Minho ?”

“Of course not ! But he’s my friend.”

“Am I not ?”

“But… that’s different, he’s… Minho. LeeKnow. Lee Min Ho.”

Chan messed up his hair a little, before patting his head. A gentle smile was covering his face.

“You both need to talk to each other. Especially about your craziness over that website.”

“It’s just me hyung.”

Chan laughed but said nothing. He bid him good bye, not without a last hair messing and took his leave.

Jisung crawled on the couch, sighing, their conversation replaying in his head.

Minho

*MH : did you talk to him ?

*BC : yeah

*MH : did I have to extract this information from your dead body ?

*BC : that would be hard as my brain would be dead.

*BC : he’s not down

*BC : not like before I mean, I’m not worried

*MH : what do you mean ?

*BC : my job’s done here, you’re grown men, act like that

*MH : do you need your fingers ?

*MH : Hyung !!!

Minho growled and threw his phone on the couch which bounced and fell off. Like a cat, Minho put his hand out and recovered it at the last second before it touched the ground. He sighed, relieved. But then, his phone vibrated in his hands and, suprised, he let go, the phone hitting the ground with a light pop. He grabbed it right away, and sighed again relieved that the screen was not broken.

“Aaaah, I’m hungry !”

His scream resonated in the empty house and, like he knew it would be the case, no one answered. Jisung had texted him earlier that he would grab something to eat on his way home, but it was too long. His foot started taping on the ground. He got up to fetch something to eat but then, the main door opened and let Jisung appeared in the frame.

“Chickeeeeeen”, he screamed again.

Jisung laughed at his childish behavior, making him smile back. Minho hurried himself to take the bags from Jisung, allowing him the time needed to make himself comfortable from the outside. On the kitchen counter, he unpacked their meal and prepared them. Jisung came back soon enough and helped him.

“Why do you smile ?”, the youngest asked.

“You’re humming ‘Want so bad’.”

“Oh ?”

Jisung shrugged his shoulders, still smiling, his joy was communicative because Minho found himself smiling back, jumping a little on his toes.

They finally sat side by side at the dining table, as usual. 

“Do you want to watch a movie with me tonight ?”

It has been a while since the last time and Minho kind of missed that.

“Su… sure.”

“Pick one.”

Jisung jumped on his chair happily, he loved choosing. That was something Minho could do to make him smile, he would do it without hesitation.

Less than an hour later, they were sat on the couch, Jisung’s head on Minho’s lap. One of Minho’s hand was resting on Jisung’s chest, while the other was playing with his hair, gently. Sometimes, especially when he was stressed, the younger one would moan a little on how good that felt. Minho loved those moments, he didn’t care much of what was playing on the screen, just the two of them, hanging together, being close, being them.

He knew his heart was pounding fast, too fast. He knew the meaning. He also knew why he couldn’t stop.

But, like cat and dog mostly didn’t get along, his brain and his body didn’t synchronize on the same base. One was telling him it was a mistake, he should stop it or at least keep it quiet. The other one was craving everything he could get. And more. And more. It was a balance he had to juggle with. He took what Jisung would give him out of friendship.

On his lap, Jisung moved a little, adjusting himself, pushing his head a little backward, upper on his thigh. And put his hand on his chest, covering Minho’s hand, interlacing their fingers.

All the process was natural, but for his cheeks that started to burn. And his heart urging to come out of his own body. That would kill him. Instantly. But maybe that would end all of this chaos.

Jisung

How something could feel at the same time familiar and unfamiliar ? 

It’s not the first time they cuddled like this while watching a movie. It was not the first time they held hands, they even did it during concert ! But now, it felt different. Not the action of taking his hand or interlacing their fingers, he didn’t even think about doing that before actually doing it. It was… the acknowledgment of how much information his body was giving his brain each second. How cold Minho’s hand was. How nice it was holding it. How fast his heart was racing. And he was very conscious on what his brain was doing with all these informations. Flash back of lines he read during the week, on how true they were, on how less they were, on how far from what he really felt they were.

He was scared.

Because, he realised, everything he felt now was not due to his readings. It was not a thought induced by their fan’s imaginations. It was familiar because he already experienced all that before but his brain had hidden everything under the name of friendship. But friendship wasn’t those emotions. And last, it never happened with Chan, or Seungmin, or even Felix. Minho was his special person but not as he imagined it until now. He was lying to himself. Without even knowing.

“You okay ?”

Jisung nearly jumped up at Minho’s voice.

“Why wouldn’t I be ?”

“I hear you think.”

He laughed a little, shaking his head.

“It’s impossible.”

“You bit your bottom lip when you’re feeling stressed or lost or-”

“I’m not stressed. I’m…”

Chan’s words came up to his mind but he discarded them. He was not ready for that conversation.

“It’s just… I realised something today, nothing bad. I just need… time to… process ?”

“I can help you. If you want.”

Jisung chuckled a bit.

“That’s not something you can…”

Actually, it was. Chan was right. 

The silence that fell between was not oppressive, nor awkward. Minho was simply waiting for him, for him to be ready to talk. When Changbin would have kept asking questions, asking him why he didn’t finish his sentence, Minho was waiting. When Seungmin would have made a joke to discard their conversation that bored him, Minho was waiting. When… this explained why he finally was well in his mind, because living with Minho made his life better, easier, on every plan. Because, whatever AO3 was for Minho, they would be alright, he knew that.

“I love everyone but… I realised that living with only you lifted up my life.”

The stroking of his hair halted for a few seconds, Jisung almost got up to apologize but then, it resumed, maybe even more gentlier.

“You did too you know ?”

“Naaah.”

He laughed this idea out. But then, pain jolted through his body, out of nowhere. Or, from the hard pinch his hyung did on his waist.

“Hey ! That hurts !”

“Likewise,” Minho hissed back.

Jisung tried to reach for the pillow but Minho was too fast for him and, instead of Minho being punch by it, he was being suffocated by it. He mumbled and screamed, more for the show than because he was out of air. When Minho decided it was enough, he let go of the pillow, allowing Han to remove it from his face and see the light again. And Minho’s bright smile, his eyes full of happiness. He smiled back, just before hitting his hyung’s head with the pillow. He got up so fast that his struggled to keep his balance, the blood in his body not fast enough to reach his heart in time. He fled the scene but Minho was right behind him, ready to avenge himself. Jisung would regret his action soon enough, but he would happily regret it.

But not right on spot, it would hurt.

Minho

For the next few days, he was very careful about Jisung’s behavior. Chan’s intervention seemed to have work, his roommate was back to his usual. Maybe even more than that. They were closer, they spent even more time together alone, doing things together or alone but in the same room. This was… nice. But weirder each time Minho thought about it. He would not be the one to say ‘no’ to a cuddle, or a movie night, or anything including Jisung, Jisung’s voice, Jisung’s body, Jisung’s touch.

As his character in the fanfictions he read, he was down bad for his roommate and he would accept anything Jisung would give him out of friendship, as long as he was willing to give it to him. He would give him anything he was willing to receive from him.

Sometimes, he wondered how their fans could portray such realistic thoughts. Such realistic feelings.

What brought him to AO3 was, at first, out of curiosity. With who did they paired him ? Everyone. But then, he got curious on how they saw, they feel their interactions were between them. Why and how would they got together ? It was merely out of interest because it would give him an insight of how they were seen by outsiders. But then, little by little, the website grew on him as it could express what he felt, what he wanted to do but didn’t dare to do. It was his own alternate universe where LeeKnow could end up with Han from Stray Kids with a happy ending.

Jisung

When he got home that night, Minho was already there, on his laptop. Was he on AO3 ? It’s been three weeks since his discover, he has been reading a lot of fanfictions, some  were not even on Minho’s list. He also had taken little experimentations on his own, with Minho and with others. He even questioned Chan about that, worst idea ever. Not about the advices that were good. But now, his hyung would always look at him with this smirky smile which he wanted to punch it out.

He understood himself now more than he ever did.

Seeing Minho with the evidence of the crime made the decision for him : it was the night he would confront him.

Now.

Now.

Now.

…

He was not a coward.

“Hyung, can I borrow your laptop, I just got an idea that I need to write it out before I forget it.”

His voice was panicked enough, partly because of his acting, partly because he was really panicking.

While on his way to steal the laptop, he saw Minho jumping on his seat, his eyes lost on where the sound came from and then, scared as he noticed his move. He tried to hold on to it, but Jisung was this time too fast, he had planned everything on the few seconds the surprise allowed him to do.

He was right.

The page was white with a red banner and a red logo.

“Gotcha !”

“Jisung, give me this laptop back now,” Minho threatened.

“Of course,” Jisung smiled while handing the computer to his owner.

“You shouldn’t have done that, it’s private.”

Minho’s face was closed, Jisung clearly saw the anger surfaced behind his eyes. Hopefully, it would go away soon. It must go away.

“Hyung-”

“No, you were out of line here Jisung-ah. It’s-”

“I’ve read the fanfictions you read hyung.”

The man in front of him stopped breathing or living. There was no blinking, not even once. His face did not move for several seconds. If he didn’t know for so long, he would have checked his pulse. But it was Lee Min Ho, he just needed to wait for him to come back from the universe. So he would wait. Discovering the true nature of his feelings made him stronger, braver bolder.

“Which one ?”, Minho finally broke his transe but still as white as a ghost.

“About us.”

Jisung smiled gently, trying to tell his hyung that it was okay, there was nothing wrong with it. But it was not working, he could see it.

“You shouldn’t have.”

“I have to disagree with you here hyung. I had to and it was the best decision I ever made.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Actually, I do now. I have been reading Minsung fanfictions for three weeks now, I-”

“Three weeks ?”

Jisung saw the realization painting on Minho’s face. His previous behavior at first. Maybe the experiments he did ? 

Finally, if he dared to, he would sigh in relief. There was no sign of disgust on Minho’s face. Until now, there was still this doubt that Minho went on this website for something else. Even if he didn’t find what could that be.

So, Jisung took a step ahead, closer to Minho who didn’t step back. That was encouraging.

“Hyung, I know why I went on it and why I keep reading,” he said firmly without answering directly, “but why did you ?”

“And why did you ?”

Something in Minho’s voice stopped Jinsung to answer back, to tease him on his question. It showed some vulnerability that he rarely heard. Actually, the only recollection he could summon was on Minho’s elimination. ‘Was it because you weren’t there to hold my hand?’. He promised him he would always be there to hold his hand. And he won’t break his promise.

“Because,” he started as he was taking a step further, “I was curious.”

He let several seconds passed before taking another step, Minho was three or maybe just four steps away.

“At least at first. Then I was afraid.” He lifted his hand to stop Minho from talking or moving. “I think you know this feeling hyung, when you couldn’t stop reading, you need to see more, to understand more, to feel more.”

The new spark in Minho’s eyes made Jisung’s shoulders relaxed. He got him.

“And you know what ? I think it took me three, four days to start to feel different toward you. But,” he almost scream to keep Minho’s attention, “it took me two days and a talk with Chan hyung to understand that I was not starting to feel, I was acknowledging what I already felt for a long time.”

He remained silent to see how his words did on his hyung. At times, he could read everything but that was not the case now. Not when Minho was being as still as a statue. He was giving him nothing while he was giving everything.

Nevertheless, he closed one more time the distance between them. Two bigger steps away and he could take him in his arms. Or being punched. He rather preferred the first option.

“I know you noticed something was different, didn’t you ?”

He bowed his head slightly, watching him from below, trying to act cute, hoping he would answer him, give him something.

“You,” Minho’s voice cracked as he spoke, he cleared his throat before resuming, “cuddled a lot with the others.”

This was not the time, but he wanted to crack a little victory dance just for hearing Minho’s voice.

“Did you figured it out ?”

Sometimes, Minho’s glare was making him laugh. Other times, he felt scared. This was a time like that. He was only trying to make them come clean about their feelings. He didn’t deserve to be threaten to death by those beautiful eyes.

“You needed a safer place.”

“Hyuuuung, I cuddled you even more than before ! You can’t say that !”

He was utterly shocked. If his SKZOO was a quokka, for the past week, he could have switch to a koala. He almost never lost a chance to touch his hyung if he could. The only thing he had to refrain was kissing him, even on the cheek. But he wanted to. Really wanted to. A consequence of him acknowledging his feelings.

“But you spent hours cuddling with Felix…”

The pout forming on Minho’s face was new. Happy new thing that Jisung would take cheerfully.

“It was not hours hyung, merely thirty minutes.”

“And for what ?”, he hissed between his teeth.

Almost jumping, Jisung took another step ahead, he was almost touching him. At this distance, Jisung noticed, while experimenting, that his body was naturally attracted to Minho’s, he had to refrain himself from touching him. It wasn’t new. So far from there. Like his feelings, he hid it from his own conscience, acting like a friend should act with his friend, not like a lover with the owner of his heart.

“To understand what was friendship. Cuddling with Felix, or Chan hyung, or HyunJin hyung felt normal but not extraordinary.”

He couldn’t help his smile to grow bigger on his own face. Because of his shyness for what he was going to say, because of the hope he read in Minho’s eyes. Could a heart beat so fast that it would go out a body ? If his was going to part his body in half, maybe he could stand by a little bit. He needed to finish this conversation.

Should he wait for Minho to formulate out loud the question ? Or should he keep talking ?

He couldn’t hold back anymore, even his feet couldn’t stay in place.

“Cuddling you,” his voice cracked under the emotions that filled him, “meant the world to me. I could live without ever touching someone else, but I couldn’t live without touching you. Without being with you. When you’re in my arms, or I’m in your arms, there are no clouds in here,” he said pointing his own head, “or if they are, you managed to make them go away.”

“This is also friendship Jisung.”

Jisung laughed a little, brushing his objection away. He lifted his hand and, one final step ahead, he cupped his cheek, his thumb lingering close to his mouth.

“Not when I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. That is love, hyung”.

He couldn’t help but let his voice broke, feelings surfacing from every part of his body, making his hand tremble on Minho’s cheek.

He said it. It was out in the world. Not hidden in his heart anymore.

There was nothing left of him.

Minho

‘Thas is love, hyung.’

Was he dreaming ? Was he hallucinating ? Was he sleepwalking ? He couldn’t have hear that. No way.

But Jisung’s hand on his cheek felt real. The closeness of his body felt real. The electricity he always felt was real.

“So hyung, what about you ?”

What about him ? About what ?

“Why do you keep reading fanfictions about us ?”

His doe eyes were looking at him, expectfully. He wanted to run from them as much as to keep starring at them. He always loved them, like he always loved everything about Han Jisung. Except when he was cuddling their friends. He did not like him then.

But could he answer his feelings ? Would not that jeopardize their friendship ?

An uncontrollable laugh exploded. Not internally. No, he was laughing out loud in front of Jisung who just confessed.

The hurt he saw in his eyes stopped right away his laugh. He extended his hand to grab him by his waist, preventing him from running away.

He was not laughing at Jisung, he was laughing at him.

‘Jeopardize their friendship’ ? The only part that was correct in this sentence was ‘ship’. And not the boat thing.

Would he dare to express out loud what he repressed for almost eight years ?

He didn’t have to choose, the quavering of Jisung’s body did it for him.

His grip went firmer, steadier. He even got him closer to him, Jisung had to bow his head up to look at him, question marks full his eyes.

“Because the Lee Min Ho in those stories can have the happy ending I can’t. Because it felt good to have the character Lee Min Ho expressed my feelings when I couldn’t.”

“But now, you can hyung.”

Jisung’s voice was just a whisper. Waiting. Expecting.

“Are you sure ?”

He winced because his own voice was so needy. He didn’t recognize himself. Years of repression made him panting now.

“More than I ever was.”

Was it him who went down ? Or was it Jisung who went up ? Maybe both of them ? Actually, it didn’t matter. It… was it possible to feel like home just because of one person ? Jisung felt like that before, when it was all about friendship - or what they said it was -, but now, it’s like his world clicked into its right place, his home was him, his world was him, his heart was him.

Jisung

When you thought you knew everything, you realised everything, the universe always had something to blew your mind.

This kiss was the gift the universe give Jisung.

Minho was his safe place.

Minho was his home.

Minho was his world.

Minho was his heart.

End