Archive of Our Own ^beta

On Sunday, when Jensen felt a tickle in the back of his throat, he chalked it up to talking too loudly over the weekend and wallowing in the repercussions of his alcohol induced ranting.  On Monday, it was worse, but he still gripped tightly to denial and assumed it was because he was emotionally stressed out.  He forced himself out of bed this morning and somehow found energy to feign productiveness at work but his heart wasn’t in it.  Not today anyway.   There were too many forces working against him.

He’s trying to go about his day if only for the fact that he didn’t know what would happen to him if he didn’t pretend it was business as usual.  He would die…for a lot of reasons.

Being ill was eating at him.  It’s setting him so far over the edge that rational thought wasn’t an option.

It was irrational but Jensen’s fear of the zombie epidemic stemmed from his fear of disease.  Most normal people hate being sick but Jensen really hated being sick.  He didn’t get sick often but when he did – it wasn’t pretty.

So Jensen was in denial.  If he convinced himself that he wasn’t getting sick then maybe his body would get with the program and play along.  There definitely wasn’t anything else going on with his immune system.  Nope.  He didn’t feel dizzy or faint or like he was drowning in his own body heat which definitely wasn’t elevated.  He was fine.  He had to be fine.  Besides, there were other more pressing issues on his mind.

His and Jared’s weekend had been interesting, to say the least.  Jensen had been looking forward to it purely because he had no idea which way things would go.  In fact, it was almost surprising when Jared and he had gotten the invitation to Jared’s high school friend’s wedding and Jared pinned it up on their refrigerator in excitement. 

Jared may hate the idea of getting married but he was fiercely loyal to the people in his life who seemed to have proven their worth.  He told Jensen he was more than happy to be part of such a celebration; just because he wasn’t a fan of marriage didn’t mean he couldn’t see why others chose to go that route.

Jensen had stared at him, speechless for a moment.  They were treading around the one unsteady issue between them and he never knew how to proceed.  With Jared being almost 10 weeks pregnant at the time and increasingly sensitive about anything and everything, Jensen didn’t know if he should hold his tongue.

Instead, he nodded and let Jared carry most of the conversation.

That was 9 weeks ago.

When the wedding actually crept up on them, Jensen almost forgot that he wanted to use it to gauge Jared’s reaction to marriage.  He had been so preoccupied thinking about what he and his boyfriend were going to do for the entire weekend.  They had the house to themselves; Brooke and Arianna were happily being spoiled by Donna and Alan.  There were a lot of things they could do and a lot of trouble they could get into.  But that wasn’t the point of asking his parents to babysit for the weekend.  The point of that request was they had a wedding to go to; the rest was just a bonus.

Most of the wedding was as anyone would expect.  There were vows and flashbulbs, tears and cheers.  Jared was absolutely vibrant.  He was all smiles and proud touches of his swollen middle or bragging over photos of the twins.  He turned the tables on Jensen and threw the man into a sea of unknown faces, smirking just enough to let Jensen know that Jared was enjoying that fact.

Jared was a transplant, moving from Texas and not having many acquaintances in the area. True, he had Jules and several other friends Jensen had long become familiar with, but snippets of Jared’s life dating back more than five years were hard to come by.  Now, being thrown into a wedding reception made up of handfuls of those snippets, all traveling to one location to celebrate their mutual friends’ wedding, Jensen was able to get a clearer picture.

It was Jared’s turn to usher Jensen around and introduce him.  The strong undercurrent of pride in Jared’s words as he spoke about Jensen and how they met did funny things to Jensen’s heart.  It made a warmth spread through his body and he couldn’t help but let out a happy laugh.

Everything seemed to be going perfectly, better than Jensen could have imagined.  Jared’s unwavering devotion to their relationship was on display and Jensen never felt it so strongly…until he didn’t…until things took a wrong turn.

It was obvious – very obvious – that Jared was pregnant.  That fact alone came with its fair share of well wishes and requests to rub his baby bump.  Those bequests were par for the course and Jared fielded them with the same fluidity that seemed to tinge everything about him.  Unfortunately, Jared’s pregnancy also came with people sticking their very-nosey-noses in Jared and Jensen’s business.

Once the drinks were flowing freely, Jared was under attack.  Jensen was sure people were just trying to make conversation but he watched as everything started to go very wrong.

It started with a stranger asking how far along Jared was and how long he and Jensen had been married.  Jared corrected her and she glared at Jensen like he was the devil before taking her leave, a look of pity on her face as she nodded goodbye to Jared.

They’re both grown adults and a stranger’s comments were easy enough to brush off.  When a friend of Jared’s, Kelsey, comes over, however, it was not so easy to maneuver through the situation.  She was one of those overly energetic and peppy people who walked a fine line between endearing and annoying.  Jared seemed to like her so Jensen was betting she was less of the latter.  She squealed when she saw Jared and squealed louder when she hugged him and noticed his belly.  She had to touch, of course, and got that dreamy faraway look Jensen had seen creep onto people’s faces when they talked about babies.

As soon as she could think coherently, she asked Jensen when they had gotten married because her invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.  The part about the invite was clearly a joke but the other question proved to be dead serious when she stared at the men expectantly.  Just as he did previously, Jared coolly responded that they weren’t married but had been happily living together for the last year and a half.

Kelsey gave a look eerily similar to the woman they spoke to earlier, pitying Jared and glaring at Jensen.  She shook her finger at Jensen and told him he should “put a ring on it.” 

Wanting to avoid all forms of conflict at the current moment, Jensen shrugged and turned on a smile in hopes of diffusing the situation.  It didn’t but it was a moot point anyway because Kelsey squealed and ran off after the bride who had grabbed her hand for a group picture.

The night trudged along and more encounters started to grate on what had stated off as a fun evening.  Eventually, Jared’s high school buddies started teasing Jared.  Their jibes ranged from call him Jensen’s baby-daddy to saying that he must not be very good in bed if Jensen hadn’t proposed yet.  Jensen was sure it was meant as a joke, a harmless banter between friends, but it was hitting a raw nerve.  It kept happening and Jared could only deflect so many times.  Both men said nothing in regards to their relationship status because they both felt like it was no one else’s business.

Except, everyone was making it their business.

It didn't matter how many times Jared tried to explain that he didn't want to get married.  People refused to believe him, stubbornly clinging to the belief that they knew what was best for the men.

Jensen could hardly take it anymore.  It seemed that since they refused to dig deeper into their personal issues with marriage in front of people Jensen had never seen before, Jensen immediately became the bad guy and Jared was a victim.

It ate Jensen up inside because he was not the bad guy.  Jared wasn’t either, but Jared’s friends all seemed to think that marriage was the correct answer and Jensen was definitely the one standing in the way of that situation happening.

Everyone kept looking at Jared like there was a reason for them to feel bad for him.

There wasn’t.

Jared had two beautiful, healthy girls who he was raising with their other father.  He had a good job and a nice home.  He had Jensen’s complete love and adoration and had become part of Jensen’s whole family and world.  And they were having another baby together.  What was to feel bad about?  The last time Jensen checked, Jared was happy.

Jensen was happy too but the night was starting to chip away at him.

When the parents of the groom came over to see Jared and make small talk about how they couldn’t believe the little boy who used to play in their backyard had grown into such a tall young man, Jensen snapped.  He knew he shouldn’t but he did it anyway.

These people were his parents’ age and he knew they were from a different generation and frame of thinking but Jensen cracked when the wife looked at him and scolded him for living with Jared in sin.

Had this issue not been presenting itself all night, had Jensen not been drinking a little too much, Jensen could have politely ducked out of the conversation.  But that didn’t happen.

Instead, he did something stupid.  He put his arm around Jared’s shoulders and told the couple, with dripping sarcasm, that getting married would be a great idea and he cannot believe he never thought of that himself.  He turned to Jared and asked why he wouldn’t marry him.  He doesn’t wait for a response before he told the groom’s parents that Jared doesn’t believe in marriage.   Jensen went on to state that he would love to marry Jared, but it wasn’t in the cards for them.

When he finally stopped the word vomit he was faced with three sets of shocked eyes.  The groom’s parents did not know what to say so they say nothing and excused themselves with a weakly constructed lie.  Jared continued to stare, face flushed with embarrassment and annoyance.

He squared his jaw, huffed, and pulled out of Jensen’s hold.

Jensen realized what he had done as soon as he had done it.  He apologized a million times and trailed behind Jared as the man made his way back to the table they were seated at. 

There was no doubting that Jensen was truly sorry, and he was thankful Jared could see that.  His boyfriend didn’t stay mad for long and revealed that he was also getting a little fed up with everyone trying to tell them what was best for their relationship.

Jensen’s rational mind knew that the wedding guests were just participating in the nasty side effect of what happened when people socialize in such numbers.  He knew it was small talk and that people were prone to push their beliefs, but it struck him that their beliefs were also his own beliefs.

They were poking at an issue that recently reemerged in the last few weeks while working through insurance paperwork for their unborn baby.

It was easy enough to correct nurses or a doctor about his and Jared’s marital status, or lack thereof.   It still created a pang of longing in Jensen’s heart but he was able to correct them.  It didn’t mean he wanted to check the “married” box on paper work any less or that the warm fuzzy feelings he got when he thought about their baby being born to married parents stopped.

So, the issue had been on the surface for a while but neither seemed willing to rock the boat enough to talk about it.

The wedding guests ended up doing a good enough job of destroying the boat and sending the two of them into a world where only that conversation existed.

Jared and Jensen decided it was safer to sit at their table for a while, avoiding conversations for the time being and enjoying each other’s company.  It was just what they needed and it reaffirmed what Jensen did know in his gut.  He knew Jared was crazy about him.  He had even made note of that fact several times during the night, picked up on the way Jared’s voice shifted and oozed adoration when he spoke about Jensen.  It was silly to let others make him feel like the bad guy.  He knew he wasn’t and Jared did too, he didn’t need to prove it to anyone else.

That resolution stuck with him for a while longer but became strained when the newly married couple ended up cutting their cake and smashing pieces of it into each other’s faces.  They are laughing and everyone else laughs with them.  The alcohol in Jensen’s system and his tendency to daydream proved to be a lethal combination.

He watched the couple wipe away smearings of cake with care, each movement shaped by the love they have for each other.  It was a sight Jensen’s brain hitched on and he wondered why everyone cannot see that type of love between him and Jared.  It was there, there was no doubt it.  It was as if their lack of wedding bands blinded everyone to it.

Everyone was seated at the table, partaking in friendly conversation when Jensen propped his chin on his hands and turned towards Jared.  His words slurred just enough to let people know he’d downed another drink between their first altercation and what was about to occur.  “Why won’t you marry me?”

Jared almost choked on his mouthful of water and swallowed with some difficultly before staring at Jensen.  “What?”

“Marry me.  Why won’t you?”  His question came with a flourish of hand movements, each one drawing more attention from those seated around the table.  He suddenly had to know the answer.

“Jensen, I…”  Jared pulled up straight, suddenly guarded once the warmth in his expression turned cold.

“Why, Jay?”  Jensen whined – whined ­– and pleaded to the audience he had found in the table guests.  “I love him.  Everyone here thinks it is my fault that we aren’t married, but it’s not.  He…he doesn’t want to.”

Jared made a noise like his stomach dropped out and his eyebrows quivered.  “Jen, we…we’ve talked about this.  You know…you know how I feel.  We’ve talked about it.  And then you bring this up not once but twice.  Twice!”  Jared flushed when he caught everyone staring at them.  “God, Jensen, how could you?  Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?  In front of my friends?  In front of everyone?”

“How embarrassing it is for you?  Really?”  Jensen’s conscious was telling him to stop, to think about what he was about to say.  He knew that the fact he could not, that these thoughts are so strong, meant there was more to their situation than he realized.  “You have been going around and everyone thinks you are some poor victim.  They all feel sooooooo bad that you are saddled with someone sooooooo heartless as me.  They think I am the bad guy.”

Jared tripped over his words.  He tried to get several things out but they all jumbled into one.  He looked like he’d just been slapped in the face by the way Jensen spat out his words with too much heat.  “I’m not a victim.  You’re not a bad guy.  Who the hell cares what other people think?”

“I care, Jay.  I care because it is how I think.” Jensen picked up the remains of his drink and kicked it back before raising an eyebrow at the man across the table from him.  “If you have a problem with us not being married,” he gestured towards Jared with his glass, “take it up with him.”   He practically snarled the last word and suddenly there was anger where he didn’t realize it before.

The wounded sound coming out of Jared’s mouth brought Jensen to his senses.  He hadn’t been drunk in quite a while and was starting to rethink his original plan of drowning his annoyances from people budding into his and Jared’s business with drink.  “Shit, Jare, I…”

“Oh, fuck you Jensen.  Seriously.  Fuck you!”  Jared pushed up from his chair so forcefully that it fell backwards.  He made a move and for a second Jensen thought that he was going to land a punch but he swoops down and pulls away with Jensen’s suit jacket, the one that had been hung over the back of his chair, clutched in his hand.

He stormed out in a flurry, faster than Jensen could get himself coordinated enough to follow.  By the time Jensen made his way out into the night air, the valet was giving him a strange look and Jared was peeling out in their, his, car.

After cursing a blue streak, unsuccessfully trying to reach Jared on his cell phone, and dirty stares – ones he deserved this time – from the wedding guests, Jensen managed to call for a taxi and head to his parents’ house.

When he arrived, all the lights were on.  From the moment he walked in the front door he knew Jared must have beat him there by a few moments because his mother and father were waiting for him in the kitchen.  They had a hot cup of coffee held out in anticipation of the long night of explaining they seemed geared up for.

Apparently, Jared had shown up at the Ackles’ house in a flurry.  He scared Donna and Alan half to death when he came through their door shaking and giving off telltale signs he was holding in tears.  He threw up in their bathroom while Donna woke the girls and helped Alan get them situated in their car seats.  Jared, for his part, didn’t say anything negative about Jensen.  Technically, he hadn’t said anything.

Since finding out Jared was pregnant, Donna hadn’t once given Jared the wrong in any situation.   Carrying her grandchild was like an unfair “get out of jail free” card that made Donna fawn over Jared.   To be fair, there hadn’t been a situation for Jensen to be given wrong, however, Jensen felt like tonight was going to be one for the record books.  Donna looked at him without judgment but when she smacked him on the back of his head Jensen realized that was short lived.  Still, she was his mother and made biased by Jared carrying her new grandchild or not, she listened to the entire story.  When it was over, she hugged her son.

It was a long night, full of too many cups of coffee and the sober realization that perhaps he had not picked the best moment to voice his thoughts to Jared.

The evening ended in his parent’s guest room when all parties involved suggested giving Jared some space before talking about.  Hopefully in the morning everyone would have a clear head and enough time to cool off.

Sleep didn’t come easy that night.  That fact that he was still tossing and turning by the time sunrise came and went struck Jensen as pathetic.  After spending most of his life sleeping alone in bed and never having any trouble doing so, Jensen lost all ability to let himself rest without Jared beside him and his girls tucked in safe and sound under the same roof.

This was the surest form of torture.

In the morning things weren’t better.

He tried calling Jared’s cell and their house phone to give him the heads up that he was coming home but both calls went to voice mail.  It’s why he wasn’t surprised when he arrived to find their house empty.  His car was in the driveway but Jared’s wasn’t.

There was a note on the table, scrawled out in sloppy unsteady handwriting, but there was no mistaking that it was Jared’s.  It unnerved Jensen that even Jared’s lettering gave off a wounded quality.  He picked it up and read it slowly, falling heavily into the kitchen chair as the words sunk in.

Jen –

                I had to get away to clear my head for a few days.  I’ll be with Jules.  I took the girls.  I know you have every right to them too, and I’m sorry…I am…but I need them.  I’ll be back…sometime.

I lo-

The end of the note trailed off, stunted by an aborted goodbye.  But Jensen knew what the rest of the note was supposed to say.  I should have said “I love you” like every note Jared left for him in the last year.  That was how things were supposed to play out.  The fact that Jared had purposely forced himself to cut off the phrase made Jensen feel sick.

“Shit!”  Jensen slammed his hand down on the table before letting his head fall to the cool surface.  The temperature change is shocking and it was the first time he realized he might be running a fever.  He pushed the thought out and replaced it with the belief that he was too exhausted.

He cried for a few minutes.  Sincerely thinking he fucked up big time and reopened wounds on Jared that he had delicately worked to mend.  The anger inside wasn’t in the fact that he talked about marriage, he very much felt it was fair to discuss things he wanted in their relationship. 

It was the way he had done it.  It was the anger in his drunken voice and the accusatory phrasing he used.  All of that…all of that was wrong.

And now Jared was gone and he took their little girls with him.  Technically, he took all three of their babies with him.  The house was empty, its silence mocking him and reminding him just how badly he messed this up.

He tried ringing Jared again.  Then he tried Jules and Jared again.  There was no response and he practically tossed his cell phone against the wall when a text message from Jared came through.  It was a picture of Brooke and Arianna with the caption reading “We love you.”  Jensen had no idea if it made him feel better or worse.  It made the broken feeling in his heart stab him like glass but at least he knew Jared and the twins were safe; there was some consolation in that.

Without a purpose, Jensen fell into their bed that still smelled too much like Jared.  He couldn’t push his boyfriend’s presence out of the room so he stumbled down to their guest room and buried himself in the neutral laundry fresh sheets.  Jared’s scent didn’t live there but Jensen’s brain still couldn’t stop thinking about him.

He fell into a restless sleep even though he knew it wouldn’t help anything.  He felt like crap and was hoping sleep would help pass the time.  If he could sleep Sunday away then he would be one day closer to being with Jared again.  Instead, he woke up a few hours later feeling worse.

This time it had nothing to do with emotions.  He was shaking even though he was buried so far under the blankets one would need an excavation team to find him.  The shivering didn’t stop and he whined pathetically in contemplation of what that meant.

The tickle at the back of his throat became more of a scratch and he coughed loudly, wracking his body and making everything hurt at the same time.  Eventually, exhaustion won out over the shivering and he fell into a fever sleep, filled with dreams of Jared leaving him and sweat drenching the back of his neck.

In the morning, he was faltering.  Getting out of bed took longer than he’d ever thought possible since all his muscles felt like working in slow motion and sent shocks of protest to his brain.  The shower helped him pretend he was washing away whatever was ailing him but it was short lived.  As soon as he got into his car he couldn’t ignore that his brain was too fuzzy to focus.  He had to concentrate to make it to work, hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. 

When he walked into his office he almost collapsed.  This time he couldn’t blame whatever was going on in his body.  The bottoming out feeling was because Jared’s empty chair was staring him in the face.  It was the first time in a year the commute to work didn’t involve two babbling girls and his boyfriend.  The void in his day spanned miles and Jensen couldn’t take it.

Unable to look at his secretary’s unoccupied desk any longer, Jensen pulled it together enough to walk into his own office and fall into his chair.  On his desk were the files he needed for the day, letting him know Jared must have come in on Sunday to make sure Jensen wouldn’t be flustered trying to pull files on his own.  Part of that thoughtfulness made Jensen think everything would be okay, the other part saddened him because it reminded him how much emptier his life was feeling.

He hadn’t gotten much work done after two hours of staring at the picture frames on his desk for so long that his vision went blurry.  Instead, he was starting to feel like his world was imploding.

It made no sense.

His head snapped back to his fear of zombies and disease and Jensen couldn’t deny what was going on any more.

He was sick.

Really sick.

He stubbornly had fought against it.  He had focused on Jared and making things right.

But now, as he sat at his desk feeling like death warmed over, he had no idea how he could have ignored his symptoms for so long.   Everything hurt and there were dark spots dancing in his vision.

Now that he had freely admitted to feeling sick, the shivering came back full force, making him lightheaded.  All he wanted was his bed and warmth because despite his suit and the heat in his office, he was freezing.  He was sweating but he felt like he was in the arctic. 

A rough cough knocked the wind out of Jensen and he pitched forward over his desk, bracing himself with both hands.  Once the cough started, it didn’t seem to want to stop, distracting him enough so that when all his ailments slammed into him at once, Jensen barely registered the blur of his vision as he fell to the floor and in unconsciousness.

********************

Jensen hurt.

He hurt more than he remembered hurting the last time his brain registered discomfort.

Opening his eyes was harder than he thought because he couldn’t find the energy to fight against every part of his body wanting to shut them tighter and loss himself to ignorance.  Dealing with whatever was waiting for him when he opened his eyes was not something he had enough focus to contemplate.

Instead, he moaned and shifted in the bed…bed?  When did he land himself in bed?  The confusion was enough to crack an eye open.  The room was white and sterile, his understanding of where he was landing on the only obvious answer.

There were parts of Jensen’s brain hardwired to his phobias.  He hated zombies and disease; therefore, he hated being a patient in a hospital.  When he realized where he was, he shot both eyes open and tried to push up from the bed in a panic.

He regretted it and due to how weak he was and the tubes messing up his hand and making his wrist give out when he tried to put pressure on it, he landed flat on his back again.

“Easy.”

The voice startled him and Jensen stopped struggling.  His heart was beating too fast and he felt like he was going to pass out.  Nothing felt good.  The fever eating away at him flushed to the surface and he moaned before he found the resolve to open his eyes towards the voice.

There was no one there.  He swore he had heard Jared’s voice but when faced with nothing he thought maybe it was a hallucination.

Panic crept back in, riding on the heels of Jensen’s need to figure out what was going on with him and how to get himself out of the hospital.

With a weak tug of his arm, Jensen set off a machine.  A woman in white scrubs – Jensen’s brain supplied that she must be a nurse…right, a nurse…not Jared – put a hand on his shoulder to settle him.

“Relax, Mr. Ackles.”  She turned to stop the machine’s beeping. 

“What…I…?”  Everything was hazy for Jensen, blackened to the point where he didn’t remember landing himself in a hospital.

“You need to rest.  You passed out at work and one of your clients called an ambulance.  We’re going to take good care of you, but you have to rest.”

It wasn’t that her voice didn’t sound reassuring.  It did.  It was that he was in a fucking hospital, he had no idea what happened and he needed Jared.  He tried to fight her so as to get out of bed but she didn’t need much strength to win the battle.

In the end, the fever ate at Jensen’s brain and his grasp on consciousness was too weak to prevent his slip back into darkness.

When he woke up again, it was to fingers combing through his hair.

It was comforting; the fingers felt cool on his hot skin.  They moved in patterns his brain was familiar with and when he opened his eyes his subconscious told him he would find Jared there.

Jared gave him a sad relieved smile the moment their eyes met, but he stayed silent in his continued scalp massage.

Heart skipping a beat, Jensen reached out to touch Jared to make sure he was real and not part of a fever dream.   He had no idea what to say or what to think.  His brain was fried from exhaustion and  fever, making each move draining and uncertain.  All he could do was make a wounded animal sound and squeeze his eyes shut before a tear leaked out.

Ultimately, Jared spoke first.  His voice was shaky, like he’d been crying or screaming or missing sleep.  Maybe it was a combination of all three because Jared looked haggard.  He licked his lips and only got the word “Jen” across.

“Jay, I…what?”

“You fainted at work.  God Jensen, do you know how sick you are?  How worried everyone is?”  The words came out in a pained explanation.  There was hurt behind them, like maybe Jared was still prickly from Saturday, but the worry overpowered any other emotions in Jared’s words as he wrung his hands and his lips quivered.

Jensen didn’t know anything.  He knew he had been feeling crappy but then all of a sudden things sneaked up on him.  He just remembered dealing with feeling sick and then being unable to escape the feeling of drowning.  “What happened?”

“You fainted at work.”  Jared took a calming breath.  “You…You were alone for a while but your first client found you burning up and unresponsive.  They called the ambulance and well…now here you are.”  In an effort to collect himself, he darted his eyes around the room.  “You have the flu, a pretty serious case.”

Flu?  Jensen thought back to everything that had started late Saturday night and things made sense.  He knew the flu was going around, but he hadn’t put much stake in catching it himself.  He didn’t go for vaccines, because logically vaccines could be a tool in the start of the zombie epidemic, but he felt his blind determination to stay healthy would see him through.

Apparently not.

The flu was a big deal.  Tons of people had been hospitalized and some had died from it.  Alarm bells went off in his head and his eyes shot wide in panic.  Though his voice was hoarse and tired, he got his inquiry out in one forceful word.  “Baby?”

Jared ran a hand over his middle and settled it there.  “We’re good.  I got the flu shot, remember?”

Relaxing back onto the pillow, Jensen thought that maybe vaccines weren’t so terrible if they let Jared sit safely in his presence.  He couldn’t think of much else other than what an idiot he’s been and Jared should be screaming at him.  Only, Jared wasn’t.  He was sitting quietly, looking like he was about to break.  “Jay I…”

Jared cut him off.  “Jensen, you’re really sick.  They said…the doctors said you were unresponsive for a while.  They tried to sound professional but when they called me…I could tell.  I could tell it was bad.”  Jared turned away and started crying.

“They called you?”

“Yeah, I’m you’re emergency contact.  Remember?  They called your parents too.”

Jensen shivered as a chill ran through him.  “They called you and you came?”

Jared let out a hurt puff of air.  “Of course I came.  I’m not heartless, I –“

“No!”  Jensen cut his boyfriend off before he could do any more unintentional damage.  “I didn’t mean it like that.  I mean…you came.  You came after what I did to you on Saturday.  Because Jared, I’m so sorry.  So, so, sorry.”

Biting his lip, Jared’s eyebrows wrinkled up.  “Just because I don’t want to get married doesn’t mean I don’t love you.  Remember?  Just because we had a fight doesn’t mean my heart didn’t stop when I found out you were rushed to the hospital.  God…I felt like I died.”  Something completely different clouded Jared’s eyes and Jensen thought Jared was talking about more than just Jensen being sick.  “You promised Jensen, you promised!  You promised you weren’t going to go anywhere, and then I ran off and then you…you almost died.”

Jensen had no idea if Jared was being overly dramatic or if things had really been that bad.   Before he could get a word in, Jared sobbed again and continued.

“You said you didn’t want an out.  You said you were good, that we were good.  And then you blow up at the wedding and make me feel like an idiot.  Like I’ve been forcing you to stay in this relationship where you are clearly not getting the emotional connection you need.  And I feel a million things right now and I am so angry and hurt and scared and I don’t even know what else.  But all I kept thinking was that you promised you wouldn’t leave and then…then…this.” He made a gesture to the hospital room and the I.V. fitted to Jensen’s vein.  “So yeah, I came.  Because I love you and I…”  He dropped his sentence as a sob made completing it impossible.

What Jensen really wanted to do was get out of the damn bed and wrap Jared in his arms to reassure him like he’s always done.  But he couldn’t because he could barely see straight and he had barely enough energy to keep breathing.  “Jared…I….”  He coughed, making everything in the room pause.  Jared went rigid and gripped onto Jensen’s shoulder.  “Jay, I…You…shit Jared, you aren’t forcing me to stay in anything.  I don’t want an out.  This isn’t my out.  I didn’t want to get sick.”

“The doctor said there was no food in your system.  When was the last time you ate?”

“Coffee with my parents after the wedding…”  Jensen knew that was a bad answer, but he’d never been anything but truthful with Jared.

“Christ, Jensen!  That is over two days.  You didn’t eat or drink anything for two days?  No wonder you are so weak.”  Jared ran a hand though his hair before pressing both hands together in a ‘V’ over his nose.  “Why, Jen?”

“I just…I couldn’t do anything after you left.  I felt…destroyed.  I didn’t do anything more than bury myself in the guest room.  The guest room Jay!  Because our room smelt too much like you and I just couldn’t…”  The words prompt a broken look from Jared but Jensen couldn’t focus on it.  He felt his illness pulling him back down and this conversation was way too important to not give his all.

Jared must have seen it because he lost some of his intensity.  “You need to rest.  I need you to rest so you can get better.”

There was a pause as they blinked teary eyes at each other.  “You came back.”  Jensen felt far away, but he needed to hear Jared confirm it.  He needed to know it was true.

“I was always going to.  We just…we need to talk.  But not now.  Later.  When you are home and on the mend.  Then we will talk.”

“Jay?”  He waited until he had Jared’s full attention.  “I’m not going anywhere if you’re not.”

“I’m not.  Never.  Promise.”  Jared closed a hand around Jensen’s and nodded.

It was easy to see how true those words were, Jared expressed everything in the way he looked at Jensen.  He was telling the truth, he was always going to come back.  Somewhere in his gut, Jensen knew that.  He trusted their relationship enough to outlast the twists, turns, and bumps they had to navigate through.  But still, nothing could compete with the real evidence staring him in the face.  “I love you so much.  And I’m so sorry…If I hurt you…I can’t live with that.  I can’t be another person who let you down, I can’t.”  His voice was rising in anxiety as his mind ran away with possible outcomes for Saturday night.

“Shh…You hurt me.  You did.  I can’t lie about that.  But you never let me down.  You’ve always been you.  And you are eons away from being like any of the people from my past.”  Jared ran a calming hand across Jensen’s hot forehead.  “But you need to relax.  Please?  We’ll talk about it after you rest.”  When Jensen threw him a worried look, he shushed him.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll be right here.”

Jared was right.  He needed to rest.  There was an off kilter dizzy feeling waiting to overcome him and Jared’s words acted as permission.  Jensen didn’t pass out but he did stop thinking.  He rolled onto his side and buried his face in the pillow with Jared’s thumb wiping away tears.

**********

Jensen was released two days later with a ton of doctor’s orders and a date for a weighty conversation with Jared.

He still felt like shit but at least he could keep his head up without seeing spots.  He’s been scolded for getting so dehydrated so Jared was instructed to keep fluids in him and they armed themselves with sports drinks before finally heading home.

He’s not seen his daughters in over four days.  He knew he shouldn’t interact with them but being under the same roof again is just the right type of normalcy to put a smile on his face.

Jared got Jensen tucked into their bed, their bed, the one that smelt like Jared and made Jensen’s heart beat more regularly.  He gave him the television remote, a bottle of Gatorade, and a million blankets before leaving him alone to take care of the twins.

He returned a few hours later with a crying Brooke in his arms.  “Guess who has the flu?”

“What?  Really?”  Jensen pushed up against his mountain of pillow.  He loved Brooke but her crying was making the pounding in his head and body ten times worse.  “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.  I thought maybe she was getting sick yesterday because she felt warm, but she is definitely out of sorts.”  Jared put the back of his hand to Brooke’s forehead and cooed in her ears.  “Shh, baby, you’re okay.”  With one hand, he rubbed gentle circles across her back as she rutted her tear streaked face on his shoulder.

Of course it had to be Brooke who got sick.  It had always been Brooke who was so eerily in tune with Jensen.   “Here, give her to me.”

Jared looked unsure, pursing his lips together and sighing.  “Are you sure you want to deal with a sick baby right now?  You just got out of the hospital.”

“And I miss my kids very, very, very much.”  Jensen reached out towards Jared.  “Besides, how are you going to take care of Arianna with this one attached to you?  Is Arianna sick too?”

“No, she still okay.  I’d love to keep it that way.”  Jared pried Brooke off his shoulder and dropped her on Jensen’s lap.

Immediately, Brooke attached herself to Jensen, clinging to him and whining.  He ran a hand though her messy brown hair.  “It’s okay Brookey, I know how you feel.”

Brooke pulled away and made a puppy dog whine, big green eyes filled with tears and lips in a perfect pout.  “Daddy!”  Her lip quivered again and she let out a cry.

“Aww, Brooke, don’t cry sweetheart.”  Jensen snuggled his daughter to his chest and looked up at Jared.  “This sucks….”

“Yeah.”  Jared put a hand on his hip and gave a defeated sigh.

“She doesn’t understand what is going on.”  Jensen sunk down into the bed so he was in a reclining position.  He tucked Brooke alongside him, keeping her protectively cradled under his arm.  He was feeling pretty awful right now; he couldn’t imagine how terrible someone as tiny as Brooke would be feeling while battling the flu.  “Do you think we – or you at this point – should take her to the pediatrician?”

“I called.  They said no, unless she gets worse.  There is not much they can do.  Besides, she already had the flu shot.  Her doctor thinks this is more of a residual effect, it won’t last as long.”  Jared paused as he heard a cry from the twin’s nursery.  “Looks like Arianna is up from her nap.  You’re good with her?”

“Yeah, we’re good.  Right, B?”  Jensen kissed Brooke’s forehead before giving Jared a weak smile.

“I’ll check on you in a few, okay?”  After waiting for Jensen’s nod, Jared crept out of the room and closed the door behind him.

Jensen closed his eyes to stop the spinning.  He felt better than when he had in the hospital but everything was still achy and his world wasn’t back to normal yet.  “Looks like it’s just you and me, Brooke.”  He nuzzled his daughter’s fever warm form and his heart rejoiced in finally having one of his little girls in his arms again.  “I missed you so much sweetheart.  You have no idea how much!  I love you and your sister so much.”

Brooke sniffled but relaxed to the smooth rumbling of Jensen’s voice.  She wiggled closer like the puppy she always emulated and spoke into the muffling fabric of Jensen’s shirt.  “Daddy.  Love daddy.”

Despite his flu, Jensen’s heart skyrocketed him to the moon.  The twins had been playing with small sentences and stringing ideas together, but they had never said they loved him.  He felt dizzy from more than just his illness.  “Aww, sweetheart!”  Even being sick, an overwhelming feeling of home and belonging set in and he knew he would never want anything more than this.  Even suffering from the flu, this moment was perfect.  “I love you too.”  Brooke looked at him like she knew she did something good but wasn’t quite sure what and was feeling too miserable to figure it out.

Brooke shivered against him, prompting Jensen to pull the blankets up around both of them, tucking the edges around his daughter.

It was how Jared found them an hour later when he came to check in.  They were both nestled under the blankets in a deep sleep, their posture mimicking each other’s perfectly.

Brooke’s little bow lips were parted in sleep as she took deep congested breaths, a perfect miniature version of Jensen’s slack jaw and lips.  Jensen had an arm tucked around her tiny waist, keeping her back flush against his chest as they rode out their sickness through sleep.

Habitually, Jared walked in to check on both of them, pressing a hand to their foreheads and frowning at their sweat damp shirt collars.

He left them for the time being, pressing a gentle kiss goodbye to each of their cheeks, both patients twitching slightly in their sleep before resettling.

They didn’t end up sleeping long, but Brooke was lazy and lounged over Jensen’s form.  She was clingy and hot, making Jensen burn up.  Still, he didn’t have it in his heart to shift her.  She wanted her daddy and there was no way Jensen wasn’t going to grant that request.

Because they were both sick and Jared and Arianna weren’t, both Jared and Jensen agreed to break a very important rule and allowed Brooke to sleep in their master bedroom with Jensen for the next few nights.  Jared put up a safety bar on one side of the bed and brought in some of Brooke’s stuffed animals.

He made his own bed in the guest room, now with clean, un-Jensen germ infested sheets.

They slept apart but Jensen was comforted knowing Jared was only one room over.  He felt terrible for putting his pregnant boyfriend in the position of taking care of him, but he was too weak to argue that point.  Besides, he was helping out by manning the Brooke situation: getting up in the middle of the night to change Brooke’s diaper, giving her another dose of fever reducer and being the one to rock her to sleep when she was too intent on being miserable and whining.  He couldn’t sleep anyway.  He was restless and exhausted at the same time; his mind heavy with thoughts about what he could possibly say to Jared when they finally talk and his fever was making him crazy.

Jared cracked the door open early the next morning, peeking in hesitantly and looking for signs of life.

Awake, Jensen waved Jared inside.  The room was still dark from the drawn shades keeping out the early morning light. 

“You two okay?”  Jared closed the door gently before turning to face them.  He looked sleep disheveled, hair sticking in three different directions and the neck of his v-neck shirt askew.  It was taut across his middle, accentuating his growing bump.

“Yeah – ”  Jensen coughed in spite of the reassurance.  “We’re okay.  Are you sure you should come into the red zone?  You should quarantine this place.”

“Oh yeah, sure.  I could just get a new kid and boyfriend.”  Jared’s face warped when he realized his joke’s potential to hit a nerve.  “I…um…do you need anything?”

“You.”  Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Jensen’s voice came out more pathetic than he realized.

Jared sighed, the sound coming out with undertones of sadness and exhaustion.  He looked slightly broken and his eyes flooded with vulnerability.

It looked to Jensen like Jared was going to cry.  Even in the dim lighting, he could make out the excessive wetness in his eyes. 

In tentative movements, Jared made his way to the edge of the bed and pulled the child safety bar away to take a seat, jostling Brooke with his movements.

Brooke wasn’t exactly asleep but she wasn’t really awake either.  She clutched Jensen’s shirt with both hands before noticing Jared beside her.  With a sniffle she turned and faced her other father, reaching out helplessly.  “Papa.”

“Hi baby.”  Jared reached out and grabbed his 20 month old, wincing as he pulled her into his arms.  She latched on like a leech, arms around Jared’s neck and legs straddling his distended middle.

Jensen watched his boyfriend hiss in discomfort and immediately shot up.  “Jay…”  He had been worried about Jared for days, but what he saw was proof for his concern.  “Maybe you shouldn’t…”

“I’m okay.”  Jared leaned back against the headboard and took a deep breath.  “I can still pick them up.  It’s fine.  Really.  I’m just a little sore and stressed.  Or a lot stressed.”  He rubbed his middle with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around Brooke.  “I don’t think the baby likes it.”

“Well, I know I don’t like it.”  Jensen reached out a hand and let his fingers trail over the curve of Jared’s stomach.

“Yeah, well neither do I.”  Letting out a heavy sigh, Jared lolled his head to look at Jensen.  “I felt movement for the first time.” 

Almost instantly, a smile appeared on Jensen’s face but it turned into a frown when he noticed Jared didn’t look all too happy about it.  He put the pieces together and figured out the answer before he even asked the question.  “When?”

“The Sunday after the wedding.  I was – it was just fluttering and stuff.  But it was the first time I really felt it.”

“Oh.”  Reading between the lines, Jensen knew what Jared left unsaid was “you weren’t there.”  That fact hurt.  He hadn’t been around for any of those milestones with Arianna and Brooke, understandably, but he swore he was going to be there for every milestone in everyone’s lives from now on.  “Jared, I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

The words acted like removing a dam.  Jensen didn’t have time to prepare himself for the tears that had been threatening to fall from Jared’s eyes.  He was crying and it wasn’t pretty.  It was violent and shot daggers through Jensen’s heart, making him feel like shit emotionally…perfectly matching how he physically felt.

Brooke had no idea what was going on.  If she was confused by the sobs wracking Jared’s chest and making her shake softly, she didn’t complain about it.  She held on tighter and nuzzled deeper into Jared’s neck.

With his grip on his daughter and pregnant middle tightening, Jared’s words hitched on loud sobs.  “You can leave me, but you can’t leave this baby.  You can’t!”

The words sent Jensen’s head spinning.  He knew they said they would talk when he had recovered fully but apparently the pain was too unstable, too explosive.  It was almost impossible to believe he had just heard what Jared said.  All of a sudden he was looking at the wounded man he started dating 20 months ago, the one with a million walls around him.  Jared looked scared, hurt, defiant, defensive, and destroyed all at the same time.  It was almost like Jensen had undone countless months of progress with one hour of stupidity.  “I’m never leaving the baby or you.”  Jensen cursed under his breath before sitting up.  A wave of dizziness hit him after such a sudden shift in position and he had to take a minute to steady himself.  “Jared, how could you ever think I would leave either of you?”

“I just…I don’t know.  I know I left on Saturday night.  And that was wrong.  I took the girls.  That was wrong too.  But I did it with the promise that I would be back in a few days, just so you knew I would be.  But you…the things you said…I didn’t know if you would leave.  You were so angry and…you accused me…” He broke off and let out a sudden pained huff.

“Jared…”  Jensen reached out a hand and it hovered in uncertainty of if he should touch Jared.  “I didn’t want to – don’t want to – leave.”

Shaking his head, Jared took in a shaky inhale.  “And then you end up in the hospital, and you almost did leave me…all because I am such a shitty partner who won’t marry you.”

“What?  You’re not a shitty partner.  Why would you think that?”

“Because you told me that!  You told everyone that.  I never saw myself as a victim or you as a bad guy.  I was happy.  But then, at the wedding, you told everyone I was the bad guy.  I was the one preventing our relationship from being perfect.  You made me the villain.  You told everyone to blame me.  If I was the villain then there must be something wrong in our relationship, Jensen.  I know you want to get married.  I accept that.  I even hoped you could change my mind about that.  But embarrassing me in front of half of my friends is not the way.”

“Jared, I…”  Jensen watched Jared’s body convulse with tears.  “Jay, you have to calm down.  Please?  It can’t be good for the baby.  Please?”

Jared shook his head at Jensen and squeezed his eyes closed.  The tears were still thick but he swallowed his sobs and concentrated on breathing.   “You could have talked to me, you know?  Just you and me.  No alcohol or finger pointing.” 

If Jensen hadn’t felt like dying when he was in the hospital, he did now.  Jared’s words hurt.  “I…shit, Jared…I was on edge all night.  It wasn’t you.  It was everyone else.  And then I kept drinking and I…I don’t even remember what happened next.  I love you.  You know that, right?”

Messily wiping away some tears, Jared’s eyes locked in on Jensen’s.  “You do, right?  I mean, I thought I knew that you love me but then…I mean, I’m giving you everything.  Everything.  And I am doing it because I want to.  It wasn’t easy for me.  You know that.  I trust you like I’ve never trusted anyone.  Making me think that all of it means nothing because we aren’t married makes me feel pretty horrible.”

This time Jensen doesn’t hesitate; he grabbed Jared’s hand and squeezed it harder than needed.  “I made you feel like that?”

“On Saturday night you did.”

“Jared, you are everything to me.  You and our family.  You’re everything.  Without you these last few days I felt like my heart stopped beating.  I didn’t even realize how sick I was because I thought it was because I was hurting without you.  That is how much you impact me.  You make me stop breathing.  And I…I fucked it up.  I told you I’m not perfect.”  He let out a sad little laugh.  “See what you get for not believing me?”

Jared didn’t laugh.  He went absolutely serious.  “This is it for me.  Why can’t you be proud of that?  Why can’t you hold onto that fact and shut out what other people think?”

“I am proud of that.  I am so proud of you and what we have.  You know I am.  You can’t deny that.  Everyone who knows us knows I am head over heels in love, absolutely crazy about, would do anything for you.”  He curls his fingers around the inside of Jared’s palm.  “It is enough.  You and the kids are enough.  I don’t need anything more in life because I am already overly blessed.  It’s not an excuse, and I’m sorry, but I was drunk.  I was wrong to bring up any issues I had about marriage in such a public place.”

“I would have listened to you…if it was just the two of us.”  Jared’s tears seemed to be slowing and he leaned closer to Jensen.

“I know.  And that is why I am sorry.  Truly and wholly.  I am so sorry, Jared.”

“Don’t leave our babies.”

“You think I could do that?  That I would even want to?”

Some type of sense washed over Jared’s expression.  “No.  I know you love them. But…if we don’t get married, will you be happy?”

As soon as the question hits him, he doesn’t even have to think about the answer.  Jensen just knows it.  It proves to him that putting so much weight into the idea of marriage didn’t make their relationship any more real.  “Yes!  I am happy.  I wouldn’t force you into marriage because then I know I would just be forcing you into something you weren’t on board with, and that would never make me happy.  And I can’t leave you.  I am yours forever, whether you want me or no.  I’m yours.”

Jared all but collapsed alongside Jensen, crashing their shoulders together and letting out small cries.  They weren’t pained ones like before, but rather ones of relief he had kept in for far too long.

Though he felt disgusting, blanketed in sickness and covered in cold sweat, Jensen dared not move.  He let tears fall down his cheeks and released a quivering, “I’m yours.”

“I’m yours too.”  Jared curled around Jensen, sandwiching his belly and Brooke between them.  “That’s enough, isn’t it?”

Jensen couldn’t get words out.  He just choked on a sob and nodded before pulling Jared to him.  He was sick and knew he shouldn’t be wrapping himself around his boyfriend, but he needed to hold him, needed to be reminded that everything was so much better when they faced the world together.  “God, I missed you.”  He buried his nose in Jared’s hair and let several more tears get lost in the strands.  “I’m so sorry.  I’ll never make you feel like that again.  I’ll never make you feel like the villain again.  I’ll spend the rest of our lives making it up to you.”

“I don’t need you to make it up to me.  I just need you to be there.  I need you to be you.  And I need you to tell me how you feel, even if you think it will make me think less of you.  Talking to me will never make me feel like that.  Doing what you did on Saturday?  That will hurt me.”  Jared’s voice got smaller.  “Don’t do that again.”

“I won’t.”

“Don’t.”

Jensen shook his head back and forth.  “I promise.  I won’t.”

“Don’t miss our baby moving again.”

The guilt hurt and he hugged Jared closer still.  “I won’t.”

“God, it killed me Jensen.  It killed me that I couldn’t bring myself to call you and tell you.  I knew exactly what your face would look like and the way you would light up.  I’ve been through this all before, but you haven’t.  And I haven’t had anyone before.  The fact that there was something between us…it hurt so badly.  I cried all night and Jules had no idea of the real reason why.”

“I know.  I’ll be here when he or she moves again.  I will be here for every other first, like the first time I can feel the movement too.”  He covered Jared’s middle with his palm.

Jared bit his lip.  “I’m sorry I took the girls.  Are you mad?”

“I was.  But I deserved it.  And we’re together again now.  Honestly, I really don’t ever want to think about being without the three – four – of you again.”   Jensen turned his head to the side to let out a cough.  “I’m sorry Jared, you shouldn’t be near me.”

“It’s too late now.  I have a sick daughter and a sick partner.  I either get sick or I don’t.”  Jared let his hand rest over his belly next to Jensen’s.  “The baby is moving again.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmm Hmm.  Little fluttery movements.  So much different from Arianna and Brooke.”

“That’s amazing.”  He smiled and knocked their foreheads together as his eyes went all dreamy.  “You’re amazing.”

With a laugh, Jared’s tear damp eyes curled into a smile.  “See, that is exactly the face I knew you would make.”  He rubbed his stomach soothingly.

Brooke watched her fathers’ actions and put her palm down on Jared’s middle in mimic of them. 

Jared’s eyes popped wider in surprise.  It was the first time either of the girls had paid much attention to his middle.

“We are going to have to explain that to them.”  Jensen gestured to Jared’s belly with his eyes.

“Yeah, I know.  I was just happy having them be our only babies for a while longer.  Besides, I was thinking it would be easier to explain to them if we knew if they were going to have a little sister or brother.”

“Yeah, I…”  Jensen paused and huffed.  “Oh, shit, Jared!  That was supposed to be this week wasn’t it?”

“Tomorrow actually.”

“You can still go.  I am sorry I am sick and messed this all up.”  Jensen sighed.  He had been looking forward to finding out the baby’s gender.  He knew it was a 50/50 chance either way, but he was excited to get one step closer in getting to know the little person he helped create.  Jared had given him the reins on this one, not caring if they found out or not.  He wanted to give Jensen every opportunity to feel like an active part of their pregnancy and Jensen had fallen more in love with Jared because of that.

“I absolutely will not go without you.  No way.  You are going to be there when we officially see our little girl or little boy for the first time.  Don’t think you are getting out of this.”  He covered Jensen’s palm with his own and pressed it more firmly to his middle.

“Are you sure?”

“Are you kidding?”  Jared pulled away enough to raise an eyebrow at Jensen.  “I rescheduled the appointment for the same time next week.  We have to take the girls with us, but I think you can handle them.”

Jensen smiled.  He still felt like shit but knowing things were going to be okay with Jared, that they could knit themselves back together, made his heart the strength to keep beating.  They weren’t better, not yet anyway.  But they would be.  They both knew they were stronger than to let everything they made together crumble apart over a misunderstanding.  “So, next week we’ll know if we’ll have a son or another daughter?”

“Yep.  So you better get healthy again because I expect makeup sex and your homemade chocolate cake.”

If that wasn’t incentive, Jensen didn’t know what was.

*****************

It turned out that taking two rambunctious toddlers to Jared’s prenatal appointment was a lot more work than they thought.

Arianna and Brooke wanted to touch everything and lick everything.  Jensen had no idea when the licking thing started but it was getting to the point where they would lick him, or Jared, or anything else they decided to claim as their own.

That had to stop.

No wonder the flu entered their household.

They were relatively good for the beginning or the appointment, for the boring stuff.  But as soon as the fun part came and Dr. Austin wheeled over the ultrasound cart, the twins decided they wanted all of Jensen’s attention, leaving very little to give to Jared’s suddenly gel slicked middle.

Dr. Austin solved the problem by dumping a handful of sterile specimen cups on the floor, prompting the girls to immediately bang them on the tiles or attempt to build a ‘tower’ with them.

Jensen threw a thank you to Jared’s doctor.  Though the twins new ‘toys’ may look unconventional, they did the trick in keeping them busy.

“So, we ready?”  Dr. Austin smiled at the men and brandished the ultrasound wand in the air.

“Yeah, ready.”  Jared sucked in a nervous breath.  He looked at both girls playing on the floor and back up at Jensen.  “Jen?”  His voice sounded unsteady with excitement and the need for reassurance.”

“Right here.”  Jensen grabbed Jared’s hand that was already reaching out for him.

In an instant, Dr. Austin located their baby as he kept an eye on the screen and gentle pressure on the transducer.  “Your kid is a show off today.”

“Huh?”  Jared licked his lips and glued his eyes to the screen.  “Oh!”

Jensen followed suit in almost a repeat performance of Jared.  “Oh!  Baby!”  Their child was easily distinguishable in the black and white projection.  “It’s so much bigger.”

“Yeah, they tend to do that.”  Dr. Austin laughed and moved the wand slightly.  “Looks good.  Measuring perfectly.”  He smiled at Jared before logging several measurements.  “How does it feel to be carrying one?  A lot easier, isn’t it?”

Voice sounding far away, Jared nodded dumbly.  “Yeah…”

Still holding tight to Jared’s hand, Jensen leaned closer to the screen.  Their baby’s profile was unmistakable and he gasped when its little mouth yawned.  “Did it just…did it yawn?”

“Yeah.”  The doctor laughed at Jensen’s awestruck face.  “It’s normal, it can start even earlier than this.”

“Huh.”  Jared smiled at his baby, feeling all kinds of emotions running wild though his body.  “I didn’t know they could do that.”  He looked at Jensen with a goofy grin.  “Hey, Jen, our baby can yawn.”

“I see baby.”  Jensen’s heart sped up as he looked at the image on the screen.  He had only seen once ultrasound picture of the girls, and it hadn’t looked like much to him at the time.  Oddly, he felt guilty at that because this image of his unborn child meant so much.

“You two want to know the sex?  The baby isn’t being shy about it.”

Jensen nodded enthusiastically.  “Yeah.  We do.  Right, Jared?”

“Yeah, what he said.”  Biting at his lip, Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand tighter.

The doctor moves the wand around a bit before pausing and stating with complete confidence, “you two are having a little boy.”

“For real?”  Jared’s eyes were wide as he looked down at his stomach.

“Positive.  Why, you thought you were having another girl?”  Dr. Austin laughed at Jared’s shell-shocked expression as he printed up a scan image and shut down the machine.

“No, I didn’t-I didn’t think much of anything.  I just…..”  Jared swallowed and looked at his boyfriend.  “Jensen, a boy.”

“Uhh huh.”  Jensen moved without thinking and kissed Jared, long and hard and not caring who was in the room.  His heart was beating out of his chest.  He couldn’t get any words out but he did the best he could to express everything he was feeling.  When the doctor cleared his throat, Jensen pulled away, blushed, and stumbled on his words.  “I…We…I just…Can you…boy.”

Shaking his head like he’d seen this song and dance many times before, Dr. Austin gave a knowing smile.  “I’ll give you two five minutes.  Then I am coming back in.  You better behave yourselves.”  He ducked out of the room, leaving the little family alone for the time being.

“I knew I liked him.”  Jensen ran a hand through his hair and grinned at Jared.  Jared looked like he was going to say something but Jensen cut it off with another kiss, their lips moving in perfect sync against each other’s and letting abbreviated moans escape.  When he pulled away, he was all smiles.  “So, we made a little boy.”

“Looks like it.”  Jared looked like the news hadn’t totally sunken in.  He turned towards his daughters before going back to staring at his stomach.   “Oh my god, we’re having a boy.”

And Jensen was over the moon about that.  To be truthful, he would have felt exactly the same way if they were having a girl.  It isn’t the gender that made him feel like flying, it was the fact that giving the baby a gender made everything ten times more real.  It was proof that this was really happening and they were adding another perfect person to their family.  A girl would have been nice, they were good with girls.  They had that routine down pat.  But a boy, a boy is exciting.  It already was because his body was buzzing with positive energy.

Jared was still laying down on the examination table and Jensen pulled away to talk to Jared’s middle.  “Hey baby boy.  You’re incredible and so is your papa for giving you to me, to us.”  It was sappy and ridiculous but the moment made him so happy that he didn’t care.  His mind was already speeding ahead to when he got to tell the news to his sister, to the rest of his parents.  He almost rolled his eyes when he thought about what a big deal his mother was going to make over the baby being her first grandson.

Jared propped himself up on his elbows.  “I love you, Jensen.”

Arianna perked up at that.  “Love you!”  Just like the licking thing, the ‘love you’ thing seemed to have started around the time Jensen came down with the flu.  It was perfect timing because both men really needed to feel the love around then.  It was even more special because they only seemed to do it when they were around their parents.  Jensen thought it was because they loved Jared and Jensen the most.  Jared thought it was because they heard their parents say it way too often.  Logically, Jared’s option was more likely, but that was okay with Jensen.  Even though they didn’t spill verbal shows of affection in overly excessive ways, they did tend to express it when they were in the place they felt closest – their home.  And Jensen found nothing wrong with letting Jared know how much he appreciated him.

Turning to pick Arianna off the ground, Jensen smiled down at her.  “Hey, big girl.  We love you too!”  He tickled Ari’s belly before settling her on his hip.  “Should we tell them?”

“Yeah.”  Jared struggled for a moment as he got into a sitting position and made room for his daughters to sit on either side of him.

Smiling, Jensen ducked down and scooped Brooke into his other arm.  He deposited her to the space on Jared’s right, making sure her other father had a good grip on her before walking with Arianna to Jared’s other side.  “You want to explain this Jay or should I?”

“Go for it.”

Jensen had no idea where to start.  He had two wide eyed girls staring at him and was faced with explaining a concept he’s sure was above their comprehension level.  He went for the direct approach.  “Ari, where is your belly?”  He waited until Arianna pulled up her shirt and smacked her belly with both hands.  Not to be out done, Brooke followed suit.  “Very good!  Now, where is papa’s belly?”

Both girls looked at Jared and smacked their palms down on his distended middle.

“Shh, easy munchkins.”  Jared took their hands and guided them into making soft circles across his middle rather than rough patting motions.  “You have to be gentle.”

The girls wrinkled up their noses in confusion for a moment before following Jared’s instructions and rubbing their papa’s baby belly gently.

“See, they are protective big sisters already.”  Jensen gave Jared a wide proud smile before crouching down so he was on his daughter’s level.  “Ari, Brooke, papa has your new baby brother growing in his belly.”

Arianna blinked up at Jensen before pulling her hand away from Jared and pointing to herself.  “Baby.”

“Well, yes.  You are our baby.  And Brooke too.”  Jensen kissed Arianna on the forehead.

“Baby!”  She pointed to herself again and smiled triumphantly.

Jared laughed and put Arianna’s hand back on his belly.  “Yes Ari, but there is a new baby, a really little one, growing inside here.”

Arianna screwed her face up in thought and then pointed to Jared’s middle with both hands.  Looking up at her birth father for reaffirmation, she gave him a toothy grin.  “Baby!”

“That’s right sweetie.”  Jared ruffled her hair and met her smile.

Brooke, who had been watching with confusion, cocked her head to the side.  She leaned forward and gave a loud wet kiss to Jared’s middle.  “Baby!”

Even though both men knew the gesture was probably out of Brooke’s habit of kissing everything, they were able to convince themselves that somehow Brooke understood her brother was growing underneath the area she kissed.

Well, they were able to think that until she pulled up her shirt and pointed to her belly.  “Baby!”

Jensen busted out laughing, his laugh getting even louder when Ari pointed a curious finger at his middle and let out an inquisitive, “baby?”

Joining in with the laughter, Jared hugged both girls to him.  “Well, they still have a few months to understand this process.”

“Yep.”  Jensen smiled as he savored the moment.  Having Arianna and Brooke at this appointment wasn’t part of their original plan, but it seemed more meaningful to him that they were there.  It was where they all belonged: together.  And he could tell by the look on Jared’s face that his boyfriend felt the same way.  They were back to being each other’s everything.

Jensen was back to letting everyone know he thought Jared was perfect and Jared was back to putting a smile on his face just by being.

They were having a little boy and Arianna and Brooke had better get on board; ready or not, here he comes.