Work Text:
Red is fine with this.
Sitting alone in his dark room was fine. Sitting alone peering out of the only window in his dark, cold room to the scene outside was fine.
It was fine even if he was watching Papyrus dance with that pretty little thing in his arms (a slow song that prevented any space between the two but left Red feeling just a little more empty himself), the two not breaking eye contact once. It was fine even as he watched the taller skeleton grin widely back (even now Red swears he can still feel his soul stir at that) when his partner gave him a sweet smile. It was fine even though he thought that particular warm look in those eyes would only ever be directed at him.
He was perfectly fine with all of it-because Papyrus was happy. He was dancing happily with that girl in his arms (not Red, why would it ever be him? When had he thought he could ever be enough-) and he was smiling happily because she was in his arms.
And he would not be upset. He would not throw a tantrum. He would not let the hurt and betrayal tearing at him show. He would not let those ugly words stewing in his soul, fighting to overcome him, win. He would not give in to that ever growing urge to cry and scream and just hit Papyrus over and over again while crying and screaming and demanding to know why he chose her and not Red-why, why, why-
Red clutches at his chest, realizes that he’s been working himself up when he feels his soul beating erratically through the fabric of his shirt (the one that Papyrus handed him when he first offered to house the strange new skeleton he literally just met-) and tries to calm his breathing to a manageable pace.
I’m fine he thinks.
I’m fine he repeats in his mind like a mantra. A continuous cycle of that one phrase he needs to believe. If he didn’t… if he let on that he was anything else besides content with Papyrus finding someone else to spend his life with-well… he just… couldn’t.
Because that would make Papyrus sad… and Red, above all else, would never be fine with that.
So Red slowly drags his legs up onto the chair he’s on and wraps his arms around them when he starts to shiver, pretending that the shaking is from the temperature of the room and nothing else. He buries his head into his knees and pretends the telltale stinging behind his eye sockets are from the pain he feels when his grip “accidentally” squeezes too tight-not from hearing Papyrus’ muffled laughter from outside in response to something his beloved told him. He pretends that he can’t hear the sound of his soul crack that bit more at it.
And if Red can’t stop shaking no matter how hard he tries? If Red, despite his best efforts, can’t seem to lessen the death grip he has on his legs? If the dark room is filled with a sudden mysterious absolutely heart wrenching sound?
Well Red can just absolutely refuse to acknowledge it.
Because he’s fine.
Red is fine.
---
“hey Pap” Red calls, leaning on casually on the living couch’s armrest with an easy grin.
Papyrus blinks and turns at the call, raising a metaphorical brow at the look on Red’s face. He seems suspicious of what Red wants but the smaller skeleton knows it’s just for show at this point.
“i’d tell you a chemistry joke,” the smaller skeleton starts, grin never wavering even when Papyrus’s eye sockets widen just ever so slightly at the realization of what’s coming “but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.”
Red can feel his grin grow that much bigger when, contrary to what he had just stated, the other burst out into loud laughter.
Over the course of the months he’s been living with this new universe’s Papyrus and sans the two have slowly but surely been relaxing around each other despite the rocky start they had. Red still cringed sometimes when he remembers just how unguarded the other two were at his appearance, practically yelling at them for being so accepting of someone they didn’t know… which he realizes now, wasn’t a very smart idea considering the moment Red foolishly took a step towards them in his haste to scold them, he immediately got what he wanted when this motion had caused Papyrus to turn his soul blue. Red remembered being very surprised and… well even a bit scared. It had been a very long time since he felt restrained by blue magic.
Luckily for him, this universe’s sans stepped in the moment he noticed the fleeting fear in Red’s expression and was quick to deescalate the situation, giving Red the chance to explain that he wasn’t actually here to hurt anyone… he instantly took a liking to the little blueberry. Even if the kid was painfully naïve and ignorant of just how cruel the world could really be.
“Ughh!! Red! Why must you do this during dinner?!”
And even if Blue hated puns.
“eh” Red shrugged at the other “what can I say, the other day a friend annoyed me with bird jokes” he glanced at Papyrus with an amused expression; the other was trying and failing to stifle his snickering.
Blue’s eye socket twitched and he raised a pointed finger at Red, “Don’t-!”
“so I decided toucan play at this game.”
“AUGH!!”
This time Red joined Papyrus’ laughter when Blue threw up his arms in exasperation. Back in his own world, he could have never even dreamed of making jokes during a meal (certainly not with Boss) let alone laughing together with someone without a care.
“You both are impossible” Blue sighs, puffing his cheeks out and giving the two what he probably thought was a stern glare. It reminded Red of a blue marshmallow. AKA not very effective in making the pair feel any remorse for their actions.
It took a moment but when the other two finally did calm down enough to resume eating, Red glanced up to see Papyrus still had a bit of orange tinting their cheeks from the exertion of laughing so hard. He could feel a small fluttering joy in his chest at knowing that it was him who had caused that. This world was not like his; it wasn’t an unforgiving and cruel place. It wasn’t the same as the world that this Papyrus had accidentally stumbled upon (Red still doesn’t know how he managed to do that when he himself had to practically blackmail Alpyhs into making something that would essentially help with world hopping), the poor guy had been out of his element and had nearly met a very nasty end. Red had been shocked to find out the one he saved was not, in fact, his brother. His shock quickly dissolved into curiosity and Red knew he was lucky to have given in to it.
The fact that the two skeleton brothers were so willing to shelter him came as a surprise, of course, but he learned to adapt to this universe’s lenient ways.
Red was… happy here. Here in this universe that you didn’t need to constantly look over your shoulder or risk getting dusted at every minute. Here, where he didn’t need to kill or be killed. Here, where a pair of brothers who didn’t know what a personal bubble were constantly finding new ways surprise him with their kindness.
Here, where Papyrus existed.
Red flushed at his own thoughts. Geez… this world really was getting to him if that kind of sappy shit was passing through his mind nowadays. He glanced up to see that Papyrus was staring at him (shit-crap-did he notice the blushing? Red can try to pass it off as the result of his previous laughing session right?) but before Red could say anything, Papyrus’ mouth curved up into one of those damn smiles (the one that never failed to make Red’s soul thump faster in his chest) and turned away to chat with his brother.
Red was no doubt still embarrassed but surprisingly, for the moment, he wasn’t annoyed in the slightest. In fact, he couldn’t stop the small smile that slowly spread on his own face.
Here, in this world, Red felt like he belonged.
…
…it was funny how just one measly phone call easily made that world crumble down around him.
---
It wasn’t long after their dinner, that Papyrus’ phone rang. Red had grown accustomed to the simple, light hearted ring tone going off at random times of the day and had maybe even taken a slight liking to it. Usually whenever he did hear it, it was because Papyrus was getting a call from either Blue or Alphys (apparently she was the captain of the royal guard in this world. Red… wasn’t sure how to feel about what he remembers as a deranged dinosaur scientist filling in for Boss’ job here) calling to loudly exclaim that Papyrus needs to stop slacking off and man his station; of course there was the once in a while time that Blue was calling just to check up on how his lazy brother was doing but since Blue was home right now, that only meant the only monster that could be on the other side was…
Red quietly snickered and waited for the familiar yelling.
But it never came.
He blinked in surprised confusion (huh… maybe it was someone else?) and glanced up just in time to see-
(Red remembers a sudden stabbing pain in his chest, on the spot right where his soul was floating and being too shocked at the sensation to even let out a gasp. He doesn’t know what’s happening, only that one moment he was watching but not hearing Papyrus talk animatedly on the phone with whoever was on the other side of that call and smiling that special, wonderful smile of his that Red thought was reserved only for him and then the next thing he knows, he’s clutching at his shirt, feeling his phalanges press deep into his clothes as he tries to comprehend why Papyrus was suddenly so happy? Why the other seems like he’s just been told the funniest joke he’s ever heard or why he’s practically beaming as he continues to talk to someone-…who was it? Who was that person on the phone with him? Why was Papyrus so happy talking to them? Why…? Why-why-why was he-Who the fuck-)
“Papy?” Blue questioned (Red had almost forgot he was in the same room), looking somewhat nervous.
Red held his breath, watching as Papyrus told whoever the fuck was on the other side to hold on as he addressed his brother.
“Hey Sans, sorry about that” Papyrus actually seemed a bit sheepish.
Red felt his stomach churn in addition to the ache in his chest.
“Um… that’s alright but…” Blue seemed hesitant for some reason, glancing at Red only briefly with something in his eyes that had Red clutching at his shirt tighter. “Uh, who… are you talking to?”
Papyrus’ smile brightened at that and Red felt like he was going to be sick, “About that, she’s actually on her way now. I’ve wanted you and Red to meet her for a while but uh,” he lightly scratches the back of his skull with his free hand as he chuckles, as if there’s something actually funny about this-Red grits his teeth harshly to shut up any words that might accidentally spill out. He doesn’t trust himself to say anything while Papyrus goes on.
“There’s never really been a good time but hey, she just got off from work and now I can properly introduce you two to her” he finishes.
Blue smiles nervously in response and Papyrus frowns.
“What’s wrong, bro?” the taller asks.
“N-nothing…!” Blue stutters, causing Pap to don a look of concern but doesn’t get the chance to question his brother’s strange behavior when the shorter skeleton quickly follows up. “So who is this mysterious lady anyway?”
Red had forced himself to stare at the ground throughout the exchange, not wanting to continue seeing that look in Papyrus’ eyes when he’s talking about someone else like he’s just met his-Red thinks perhaps he’s clutching at his chest too tightly, he feels like he’s suffocating.
(Don’t say it, don’t acknowledge it, it’s a misunderstanding-it HAS to be-)
“Well actually…”
Oh god but he can hear it in Pap’s voice though, the way it goes just a pitch softer like he’s thinking about one of the best things in his life and Red’s soul shudders painfully.
(Please don’t say it-don’t say it-don’t say it-!)
“She’s the one I’ve fallen in love with!” Papyrus exclaims as orange dusts across his cheeks and a dumb grin stretched across his face.
Red wonders if the loud cracking in his mind is the sound of his perfect little world crashing down around him or if it’s maybe the sound of his soul shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.
---
“…Sans?”
Red doesn’t reply at first, not used to being called by his real name in such a long time it takes him a while to even realize he was being talked to. Surprisingly, even though it must have taken quite some time for Red to muster up the energy to look up into the communicating machine, Boss doesn’t yell. It was… unexpected.
So was the look of utter horror on Boss’ face when Red finally faces his brother for first time in many months. Red wonders if he should feel amused at the face Boss is making-he supposes the impossibly wide eye sockets and the fact that Boss’ jaw was actually hanging open in uncharacteristic terror should have been funny but he doesn’t laugh.
Because in the next second, Boss looks absolutely infuriated.
It’s the most angry Red ever actually recalls him being. And any other time Red knows he would be scared shitless right at that moment, perhaps even prostrating himself and begging for forgiveness for whatever he did to foul his brother’s mood to this extent.
But Red has been finding it difficult to feel anything other than numb these days. And when he finally does snap out of it… all he could feel was the painful stabbing in his soul-
“What did that fucker DO?!”
Red does flinch at that tone though (it’s mostly an involuntary reaction to his brother’s ire engraved into him since ages ago) and hesitates just a second too long.
“Come back home NOW!”
Red frowns, ‘home’? What was Boss talking about? He was home… here in this world was where he belonged-…used to belong. Oh… he… didn’t have a home anymore? Well no, that wasn’t true. Despite all, the brothers would always insist that he had a place in their house. He would always be welcomed with open arms. Blue would always offer him a place with them and try to stuff him full with tacos and Papyrus would-
Red gasps and hugs himself when his body is suddenly wracked with shivers. He aches all over and he feels sick like he’s going to vomit any second now-why was he getting so lightheaded?
“SANS!!”
Red’s eyes jerks up when Boss screams at him, wondering why there’s a look of panic on his face and why his mouth is moving but Red can’t really hear anything he’s saying-
“Please Sans just breath!”
Red blinks in surprise at hearing Boss actually pleading with him, takes a deep breath as he’s told and realizes the lightheadedness from before was because he had been holding his breath the whole time. Oh… but he still felt like he was going to hurl.
Boss is silently staring at him while he tries to breathe as deeply as possible. Red is sure there’s a million things Boss is trying to figure out right now in his head and Red can’t be sure but the way those eye lights suddenly harden makes him wonder if his brother has come to a final conclusion on what happened.
Red doesn’t know who he should be scared for right now when Boss levels the door behind his brother with one of the deadliest looks the captain of the royal guard has ever given anything.
“boss…?”
Boss slowly turns his gaze back to Red. He gapes when Boss’ expression softens.
“Come back to me.”
And Red shakes so hard he falls to his knees. It only takes him one more second to curl in on himself and Boss doesn’t utter another word as he watches his heart broken brother sob on the ground.
---
Papyrus is speaking to them but Red isn’t paying attention.
He doesn’t want to know her name.
He doesn’t want to get to know the person responsible for ruining his perfect world.
He doesn’t want to feel like this.
But Papyrus continues on, not noticing that Red wasn’t even looking in their direction. He’s completely enamored with his new lov-…her.
Red grits his teeth and doesn’t look up. He knows what he’ll see. He doesn’t want to see Papyrus like that with her. He doesn’t want to hear Papyrus laugh warmly at her.
“Red…?”
Red glances to his right. Blue is staring at him with… something similar to sadness in his eyes? Why was Blue sad? What did Red do-?
“Are you… are you alright?”
Is he alright? Is he…?
Red wants to lash out. He wants to scream. He wants to cry. He wants to tell Blue he doesn’t want Papyrus to get together with that girl. He wants to tell Papyrus that. He wants to tell everyone in the room that he has been in lov-… That he was the one who saved Papyrus so why isn’t Papyrus looking at him with such adoration in his face. Why was this girl the one who got to enjoy Papyrus’ affection, when all Red has ever done was try to impress him?
He wants to… Red wants know why Papyrus was being so unfair?!
…he wants to kill-
Red clenches his hand tight enough to really hurt.
No. No. What the fuck was wrong with him?! He was finally away from all that kill or be killed shit and now he’s thinking about kill-?
Stop. Just stop. Don’t think about it. Why are you like this?! Papyrus is… he’s happy. He’s happy and Red’s just going to fuck it up like he does everything else if he lets any of these horrible thoughts out.
It doesn’t matter if he’s truly alright or not. What matters is that, if he isn’t? Papyrus wouldn’t be happy. And if Papyrus isn’t happy just because Red couldn't do something as simple as just being okay then what was even the point of coming here? What was the point of spending so many months, making so many precious memories with Papyrus if all he was going to do was step on all of that and act like a child who just couldn’t let others have what they wanted?
…so Red decided-
“fine…” Red forced the smile on his face to seem natural and real, “i’m perfectly fine, and i’m really happy for you Pap!”
But somehow, even though the couple in front of him seemed content with that answer, Blue never abandoned that look of complete sadness.
huh. Red thought. no matter what, i always fuck up everything.
---
“You have to kill him”
Red can’t hold back his shock as he stares, open mouthed through the communication machine.
“It is the only way for you to return here. Get rid of the source of your agony and you will be able to gather just enough magic to transport yourself back”
Boss is looking at him expectantly. As if he really thought Red would just up and literally stab Papyrus in the back. Red doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry.
“You are falling at an alarming rate”
He pauses at that.
…it’s not like… he doesn’t know. He just… if he ever really acknowledged it then that meant that Red wasn’t fine and if he wasn’t fine then Papyrus wouldn’t be happy and if Papyrus wasn’t happy then-
Something in his expression must have given him away because Boss suddenly widens his eye sockets in shock and fury.
“You knew?!”
Red looks away. That in itself was enough of an answer.
“You foolish imbecile! How dare you think that pile of garbage is worth your life?!”
Red feels for just a moment something other than pain or numbness. Something akin to white hot anger pulses through his bones at the insult his brother had venomously spat in regards to Pap… but the feeling doesn’t last long, it fades quickly when Red realizes there’s nothing Boss can do anyway, being a whole universe away. In fact, the only way Boss had even realized that Red had gone off and essentially ran away from him was because he had left him a note out of guilt.
“…doesn’t matter” Red finally whispers and glances out of the window.
His eyes snap back to his brother when he hears a loud bang. Boss had slammed his fist against the nearest object it seems and is fixing him with an angry glare.
“Sans, for once in our lives will you just listen to me?! I need you to listen! This is about your life! You will DIE if you do not do as I say!”
His brother’s voice doesn’t stutter once during his demands but Red can detect the underlying panic and if he really strained his hearing, maybe even a bit of desperation? Red can’t really tell if he heard right or if he’s hallucinating in his last moments before his fall but his brother’s eyes are not betraying even the slightest hint of anything, so maybe not.
All he knows is that no matter what happens… Red only wants Papyrus to be happy. And if Papyrus is happy then Red is fine with anything that will happen to himself. And it seems Boss has figured that out as well, judging by the dawning realization in those burning eye lights.
Thinking back on it now (how late it was… Red could never wake up on time could he?) Red was never sure when the relationship between himself and his brother had gone from normal siblings to more of a master-servant type but he had always wondered within that transition… if his little brother had grown to truly lose all the love he had for him.
But Red thinks that maybe, as he’s turning off the com and bidding a final farewell to his beloved little brother, that look of sheer grief on Boss’ face was a definite answer to that.
“…heh, sorry boss, seems i’m useless no matter what…”
---
In his dark, lonely room Red sits on the floor, leaning against the wall farthest from the window and hums a simple tune. Papyrus was the one who taught it to him, said it was a lullaby he would sing his brother to sleep when they were younger.
Red smiles at the fond memory. He feels his hand itch slightly and lifts it up to scratch at it.
He continues to smile gently when the slightest touch causes one of the phalanges to disintegrate and fall onto his shorts.
His smile doesn’t waver when he sees that it’s spreading up his carpals; merely blinks when soon his other hand starts to itch and glances down to- oh there’s quite a large amount of dust on the floor now. He feels bad that Blue will have to clean up his mess. Red thinks maybe he should have left an apology note before he lost the ability to even stand up anymore.
He doesn’t panic.
I’m fine.
He doesn’t cry.
I’m fine.
He doesn’t scream.
I’m fine.
He does think about how sad the brothers will be at his absence. But it’s only a fleeting thought.
Papyrus is happy.
And Red is fine with this.