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Their relationship is far from perfect. Still, Sana keeps bending the truth to turn it into something real, something good and healthy. Some might call it pathetic, some might call it downright stupid, but Sana clings on to their relationship in hopes of fixing whatever is broken, not wanting to face the fact that the damage is impossible to repair.
"Jyo" Sana whispers as she watches Jihyo come back home at a concerningly late hour, looking like she was out partying or anything involving alcohol and resulting in smudged makeup. She said she was visiting Nayeon's place but it doesn't really look like it — not that Sana would ever voice that observation out loud. As long as she pretends that nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong indeed. At least that's what she repeats to herself like a mantra and strongly tries to believe in.
"You look exhausted" The older girl says because it's the closest thing to the truth. Anyway, it's likely that Jihyo really was at Nayeon's. Perhaps they just had a couple drinks together. It doesn't really explain her smudged lipstick but—
No. Sana is just mistaken.
"I am" Jihyo agrees, smiling in that very way that never fails to make the older girl's heart race in her chest. "I'm really tired...and I missed you" She then continues and leans in for a kiss that Sana happily melts into. She decides not to think about the fact that Jihyo smells like perfume that definitely doesn't belong to her — something flowery and feminine.
"Go and wash up, yeah?" Sana suggests softly. That way she won't be able to smell another girl's perfume on her any longer, at least. "Won't you join me?" There's a grin on Jihyo's face that screams trouble and the way she exaggeratedly waggles her eyebrows is so silly that the other girl can't help but laugh. Sana chuckles as she shakes her head. "Hurry up and get ready for bed, you fool"
_____________
While Jihyo, who has already taken off all her clothes, is occupied with undressing her girlfriend, the girl in question notices something she wishes she didn't. There's a hickey near Jihyo's hipbone, one she's completely sure she didn't put there herself. Nausea washes over her at the thought of someone else—
No. It's a misunderstanding. It has to be.
"You're so clumsy" Sana lets out and softly touches the hickey. "Hm?" Jihyo looks down to the skin the older girl is touching and visibly freezes for a fraction of a second before she catches herself and just lets out a "Oh, yeah".
The older girl decides not to think about her girlfriend's reaction too much. If she ignores all the signs then there's nothing to be worried about. That's logical, it has to be.
"You have to be careful or you could seriously get hurt if you keep bumping into things" Sana continues with a frown on her face. "Yeah, I know" Jihyo says and leans in for a kiss.
At least the way Jihyo ends up fucking into her distracts Sana from all the thoughts she doesn't want to linger on. She’s good at it too because of course she is, and soon the only thing on the older girl’s mind is a mantra of Jihyo’s name.
_____________
Sana scrolls through her Instagram without much real interest only to stop in her tracks once she sees a DM she got.
The girl is one Sana vaguely recognizes — Chungha is an acquaintance at most, if even that.
'Hey, I know this is sudden but I felt like I should tell you...' It says, 'I'm pretty sure I just saw your girlfriend with another girl'
Once Chungha sees that Sana has seen her message she continues, 'It's probably not my place but you deserve to know'
The thought of Jihyo being in public with another girl, possibly all shamelessly draped over her and flirting in broad daylight, makes something ugly run through Sana's body, acid in her veins. She tastes bile on her tongue and is unable to push it away or swallow it down. No, no, she tells herself. It's not true. Chungha might be making something up. Or, even more likely, she simply mistook her for someone else.
Right, that's it.
'hey, thank you for letting me know but you must be mistaken :) jihyo isn't like that'
Sana takes deep breaths as she looks at Chungha's response. 'I'm like 99% sure it was her tho?? She even wore the same clothes as in the picture you posted this morning'
Definitely mistaken. It's possible for someone to vaguely look like Jihyo and have the same fashion style as her. Nothing weird about that, for sure.
'i appreciate your worry but it's definitely not her👍 jyo hasn't been out of my sight at all today'
That statement definitely is a lie — truth be told Sana has no clue about her girlfriend's whereabouts ever since she left her apartment this morning — but Sana isn't sure how to convince the other girl of Jihyo's innocence otherwise. A little white lie doesn't hurt nobody, the most important thing is that Sana herself knows that Jihyo wouldn't do anything like that.
But what if she would? What if it was her after all and—
No. She wouldn't. Sana puts her phone away and distracts herself before those awful thoughts can overtake her mind.
_____________
When did things turn into this? When did their relationship begin to fall apart bit by bit, such tiny cracks that they weren't visible until they were already well formed?
Sana isn't sure how much longer denial is going to save what they have. She's afraid to find out what happens once the cracks are impossible to fix.
_____________
“I feel like drinking today” Jihyo announces with a questioning look at her girlfriend, almost like she’s asking her instead of stating it. “What, are you asking me for permission?” Sana asks with a light giggle that makes the other girl smile.
Jihyo shrugs, her legs spread and her arms crossed over her chest, looking like a lesbian wet dream come true. Baby gay Sana would probably be over the moon if she knew that she would date someone as fine as Park Jihyo. (Baby gay Sana would probably encourage herself to break up immediately if she knew what Jihyo is up to; seems like baby gay Sana is a whole lot smarter than the current Sana.)
“It’s more of an invitation to join me, really, if you'd like” The younger girl looks so beautiful while doing absolutely nothing special that it shouldn't be possible; it’s not fair. One of Sana’s old friends used to say that girls that stunning are dangerous: they could ruin you before you even realize it, as mesmerized as you are by their beauty. (That old friend is someone Sana no longer has contact with — someone disapproving of her relationship with Jihyo is not worth her time, she insists.)
“Get the beer out, then” Sana says as she opens their go to delivery app, looking for something greasy and delicious to order and enjoy with the alcohol. Beer isn’t Sana’s usual beverage of choice, to be frank, but she knows how much Jihyo likes it and, well, she likes Jihyo as much as Jihyo likes beer, so the choice to enjoy that very liquor is a no brainer.
Nearly an hour later the couple’s bellies are full and content and there’s several cans of beer spread out on the coffee table. Sana feels a pleasant buzz, just the slightest bit tipsy, and she thinks her cheeks might be a little pink right now. Jihyo has her legs spread out almost like she’s inviting Sana to have a seat and the older girl is more than just a little interested in the suggestion. Before she could decide whether she should sit between the shorter girl's legs or straddle her hips, though, the girl in question breaks the silence.
“Being here with you right now makes me so happy, you know?” Jihyo says with an easy grin. Sana returns the grin just as easily, leaning into the younger girl’s body. “I know” She says, “Because I’m just as happy”
Things are so good that it doesn't really feel real: it’s like things are bound to break any moment now, the crack in their seemingly perfect picture of their even more perfect relationship simply waiting to be discovered.
Perhaps that very feeling was a foreshadowing of what was about to happen. It’s merely seconds later that Jihyo’s phone lights up and her face lights up in response before it is schooled back into something more controlled. The contact name is a simple ‘c💕’ and Sana doesn't know who this could possibly be. She’s not sure she truly wants to know, either.
“I have to take this, sorry” Jihyo says and gets up, leaving the room to call whoever that person is — to call whoever made her face light up like that.
The older girl wonders if it would make her seem like a possessive freak to try to listen to the conversation between that mysterious person and her girlfriend. It’s probably just a friend or acquaintance or maybe even someone she’s even less close to. Why would she have to take that call, then? Jealousy is a stupid little bitch. Is Sana making a big deal out of nothing?
When Jihyo comes back there's an apologetic look on her face. “I’m sorry, Shasha. Did you miss me?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s been like, what, five minutes?” It feels better to fall into familiar banter, silly conversations and a good mood.
It’s once they're lying down in bed, draped over each other and sharing their body warmth, that the ugly thing in Sana reappears and forces her to speak up. “Who was that?”
“Huh?” Jihyo's sleepy voice is ridiculously cute. Sana wants to eat her whole when she's like that. She wants to push the misplaced jealousy away so badly but she can’t. “That call. Who was calling you?”
“A friend” The younger girl answers easily. She doesn't sound particularly nervous or like she’s lying but the answer is suspiciously vague and so Sana can’t help but be a noisy, mistrusting mess once more. “What friend?” It sounds accusing even to her own ears which makes her have to bite back a wince.
“What’s up with you? Are you jealous?” Jihyo laughs and then moves on top of the taller girl in a swift movement, straddling her hips and leaning in torturously close to her face. “You know you have nothing to be jealous about” The younger girl pecks Sana’s lips and then smiles at her, looking so beautiful that it almost hurts a little. “Yeah, I know” Sana responds gently and then the subject is dropped.
What makes it impossible for her to fall asleep, though, is the realization that Jihyo didn't answer her question: she did not clarify who this ‘friend’ was.
_____________
The evidence of the suspicion that has slowly but steadily been running through every fibre of Sana's being is presented to her on a completely random Wednesday.
Work has been stressful which is why the girl decides to reward herself with retail therapy. She enters a bunch of cute shops, buys more clothes than she could possibly need, and tells herself that this is truly the last store she’s entering today when she sees it.
‘It’ being Jihyo with another girl, impossibly close and so unashamedly affectionate in a public space.
The girl is shorter than Jihyo, with slightly damaged blonde hair cascading down her back. She says something and it must be the funniest thing in this world if the way Jihyo leans into her as she laughs out loud is anything to go by. No person has ever been funny enough to warrant this kind of laugh, Sana is sure.
Her heart is stuck in her throat as she takes in the casual intimacy: A hand around the shorter girl's waist not unlike a possessive claim of ownership while her other hand is holding a bunch of bags. Knowing Jihyo, those bags probably don't even contain her own stuff: Sana knows Jihyo’s gentlemanly nature better than anyone else. (Or at least she thinks she does. It seems like she can't be so sure after all.)
Sana’s mind is about to defend Jihyo for what must be the millionth time (being touchy doesn't mean that there has to be something going on between them, perhaps it’s just a friend, a friend that Sana doesn't know and has never been introduced to…) but the next thing she sees turns her mind into a blank space for a hot minute.
Jihyo leans in to kiss the shorter girl to which the girl in question responds in earnest and the two end up making out right in front of Sana’s eyes. For a moment Sana can’t do anything at all, simply frozen in place with widened eyes and her heart stuck in her throat. It feels like everything she has known to be true has turned out to be a cruel lie, like the pieces of what has essentially been her entire life have shattered into pieces, an unsalvageable damage.
Then she collects herself and leaves in a hurry, not wanting Jihyo to notice her. As long as Jihyo doesn't know that she knows it’s going to be okay — at least that’s the mantra Sana repeats to herself over and over again.
When Sana thinks about Jihyo coming home that day she imagines telling her what she saw. She wonders what the younger girl’s face would look like when she realized her mistake. Would she be apologetic at all? Perhaps she’d be relieved to not be bound to Sana anymore; maybe she has been waiting for the older girl to finally put an end to this.
She toys with the idea for just a moment — would saying ‘I know where you were today, or rather who you were with’ feel satisfying? — before she shakes her head and lets go of the thought. Jihyo is hers and she’s not going to let go of her.
She’s going to play the role of a dumb fool if she has to if that's what it takes to keep this love between them, no matter how much that love has started to dim down.
“What did you do today?” Jihyo asks as she pulls her girlfriend in for a hug. “Went straight back home after work, I was really tired” Sana says and hesitates for a fraction of a second before she asks in return, “What about you?”
“Nothing much. I was just at that chinese restaurant after work” The younger girl says without any stutter or nerves.
Well, at least that makes both of them liars. They cancel each other out.
Perhaps that’s proof that they’re made for each other, Sana’s hopelessly foolish mind thinks.
Sana likes Jihyo so much that she’s willing to lie to herself: she tells herself that nothing happened, that everything she saw was simply a misunderstanding, and tries to believe that very lie.