Archive of Our Own ^beta

1.

Dull. The day is lively and the sun is beaming but Reo's morning is dull without seeing Nagi yet, as his routine at school would usually start with meeting Nagi with an overly-elastic but genuine 'hey!', plus a friendly arm around his shoulder as they walk through the school gates. Before school, he received a text message from Nagi saying "rsry mbudy cuat brek :x", meaning "sorry I'm busy, see you at break".

Reo thought he could manage not seeing his friend until then but that seemed to become a challenge. He became antsy, darting his eyes in hopes to spot a tall student with white hair, sighing constantly and in a painfully obvious manner, and biting his inner lip, somewhat impatient. Anyways, his class wasn't doing anything creative for the school festival, just an escape room. Who cares, Nagi's probably got something cooler.. Wait, can't he just go see for himself? Then he also wouldn't need to wait, who knows how long, for break. Two birds with one stone!

'I'm a freakin' genius..'

Without the need to be discreet, Reo simply leaves his classroom and walks down the corridor, with newly-found joy in his step. Colourful, cut-out banners hung across the ceiling with either gaudy or ornate food and drink booths underneath, a weird but oddly acceptable mixture of a sweet and spicy aroma lingering from them, most likely from the shaved ice, takoyaki and other delights.

Maybe he should order Nagi one, but what would he like? At first, Reo would be inclined to get shaved ice because it's summer but what if it's too cold for Nagi? Then he'd get the takoyaki, but that's hot to eat and what if Nagi wants or doesn't want it spicy? Ultimately, Reo chooses he'll wait until their break arrives so Nagi could decide.

Glancing at the nearest classroom sign, Reo realises he's reached Nagi's class. Peeking through the small glass window in the door, Reo notices adorably-decorated meals and cute-themed beverages being served by classmates dressed as waitresses, pop music playing and voluntary karaoke sung by students and visitors blasting in the background.

With Nagi in his mind, Reo slides the door open. Fortunately, he doesn't need to waste milliseconds searching for his best friend through a small crowd of customers and waitresses, as he's the first person Reo sees. They lock eyes. Unfortunately, Nagi in a traditional maid outfit, with long, wavy, white hair to his waist, probably extensions, along with mascara, blush and lip tint, subtle makeup that somehow makes Nagi more endearing, is not what Reo expected.

Nagi's the first one to speak. "Oh, hey Reo." he greets normally, as if him in a maid outfit isn't ludicrous, "Uh. Are you here to order?"

'No, I'm here for you.'

Reo thinks, and it wouldn't be weird to say it right? He doesn't say it anyways, too occupied with the strange, impulsive and definitely tempting thought he foolishly came upon. The thought of kissing Nagi. Face growing warm, and Reo blames the inevitable summer heat, he laughs out loud, a pathetic attempt at discarding the ridiculous thoughts away and as a response to Nagi's question. Registering that that's a really unnatural way to respond, he swallows and, feeling his throat is parched and dry all of a sudden, Reo chokes an answer out.

"Shaved!...Ice." he grins, waving Nagi a goodbye or a hello?, "I'm gonna get some shaved ice." 'Guess I'll see you when you clock out..' His hand directed to the make-shift seating area, Nagi nodded and it made Reo feel even warmer. "One shaved ice, got it. I guess I'll lead you to your table?" "What? Oh, yes, yes. Ha!... Lead the way."

2.

Skimming over the brightly-coloured menu placed flat on the table in front of him, Reo views the other options of main courses, side dishes, desserts and beverages while ringing his wrists around under the table. That's.. out of character for him. What's the need to be nervous when ordering? 'Oh right.' Unwilling to lift his head and face his best friend, he instead side-eyes the waitress, or he supposes it should be waiter, standing quietly and patiently beside his table.

Despite really wanting another good look at Nagi, which was that weird again?, Reo re-reads the menu for a third time. It's definitely rare to see Nagi dressed feminine, especially with make-up too, so can anyone blame him? It's just pure curiosity and maybe some interest. It's because surprisingly, Nagi suits that style, in Reo's opinion. Concerningly, he could get used to it, which he doesn't know why though. Regrettably, he might prefer it over how Nagi usually dresses, which he wants to know why.

Stalling time 'looking over the menu' has been overdue so Reo clears his throat, hoping his mind clears too. "I guess.. I'll get the red bean shaved ice. That's all thanks." Promptly, Reo dawns on the realisation he can't resist the urge to face Nagi. Why? No idea. Raising his gaze to look up, he sees.. Nagi. Reo can't put his finger on it, but he hoped it was someone else. An actual girl maybe, because come on, did Nagi need to be the only guy in a dress? They lock eyes again.

"Are you gonna make my order, Nagi?" he questions, light-hearted and a slight teasing in his tone. Reo is crucially aware of the fact Nagi is a horrible cook. How is it possible to forget instant noodles are burning on the stove, without water in it? Nagi wouldn't make a good stay-at-home house-wife, Reo shortly thinks, before Nagi's low and calm voice fills his head. "Lol, no. I'm just serving people. That's it." Nagi answers, shrugging his shoulders, and as he does, the white hair extensions attached on him gracefully lift up as well. Giving Reo a small, lopsided smile, Nagi slightly sticks his tongue out, a joke between them which neither of them know how it came to be, and leaves, most likely to retrieve Reo's order.

Completely still in his seat, Reo is left stunned. Sure, they always do that to each other, but when Nagi did that just now, it made Reo feel sick. Sick but in a good way? A really good way. Raising his knuckles to his lips, in a sort of thoughtful pose, Reo hopes Nagi didn't ruin his lip liner doing that. Feeling an uncontrollable smile forming on his face and brushing against the back of his hand, Reo hopes he can ruin it instead.

Ruin it by kissing his waitress' lips, smudging the light pink tint and staining Reo's own mouth. Closing the distance between them, Reo would steal her breath away, desperate and ravenous for another kiss, and another, again and again, like it's their last. Almost instantly, his smile fades into a slight grimace. Reo pushes the laughable, stupid thought out of his head.

3.

Returning to Reo's empty table, Nagi warily holds a tray with a generous serving of a bowl of shaved ice, his eyes flickering at the dessert and at his destination, trying his best not to somehow trip. Of course, that was unlikely, and Nagi safely arrives at his friend's table again, setting down Reo's order. Attentive and observant as he studies Nagi, his eyes fall onto Nagi's fingers, specifically the nail polish neatly decorated onto his nails. "You noticed, yeah?" Nagi stupidly asks, because it's obvious Reo did, so he asks a more appropriate question, "..Do you like it?"

A pale lilac colour was plastered onto all his fingernails, with an exception of a pastel blue hue painted on his right hand's ring finger. On that finger, a distinct face of Nagi's favourite show's main character, Bonobono, was displayed, if you look close enough. Matching, on his other hand's ring finger, the face of Reri, Bonobono's crush, is painted there, if you squint. Reo couldn't resist another smile. Honestly, it's infatuating.

"I love-ly! Yeah, it's lovely, Nagi." Reo complimented him, reaching for his spoon, "Who painted it?" "A girl in my class. Her friends thought it'd go well since most of them painted their nails anyway." "It's like you're 'one of the girls'." Reo jokes, scooping a bit of his cold dessert, "By the way, why are you.. dressed like that?" 'Not that I'm complaining..' Reo didn't add that part.

Nonchalantly, Nagi slips his hands in his skirt pockets. "The person in charge of the uniforms got the amount mixed up. Got one more girl uniform instead of a boy one." he shrugs again, in an 'oh well' sarcastic manner, "I didn't even know about that until I was getting dragged by a guy in my class and he told me. So when we were all changing, I got the short straw I guess. That's why I was busy this morning, the girls, even some guys, got an excuse to glam me up, lmao. It wasn't bad though."

Unsure, Reo doesn't know to secretly thank the person in charge of the uniforms or flip them off because seeing Nagi as this is both a blessing and curse. Reo does know that he'd like to admire Nagi's hands again. Sheepishly, Reo wonders if Nagi's fingers are soft like a girl's. Probably not, because he plays football more than often and the more blatant fact that he's not a girl. Almost urgently, Reo wants to press his lips onto Nagi's hands, like they do in fairytales for children.

If their story was in a fantasy, Reo would be a knight and it'd only make sense for Nagi to be his princess. Nagi suits being a damsel distress anyway, always needing to be carried and pampered, saved by a hero, being Reo of course. They'd ride away on Reo's carriage (his bike) to sneak off to disobey his parents by being who they are. 'To be the best football players in Japan, and soon the world!'

It's a silly thought Reo dismisses because sadly, Nagi wouldn't really be a princess. He'd be a prince, and according to fables and fictitious stories a prince doesn't need to be valiantly rescued by a knight. Perhaps Nagi can't be Reo's prince or princess. 'Guess we can't work out in a fairytale.'

4.

Even when his treat is dyed red, Reo can't bare to look at the white peaking out of his shaved ice. Unable to stand the dessert he ordered in front of him, he decides to look at Nagi. Again. Obviously, Nagi is walking around the restaurant-structured classroom, politely taking student's or visitor's orders and delivering it to them effortlessly. With every step he takes, his smoky-coloured skirt sways delicately, lifting ever so slightly to reveal a bit more of his chalky-white socks. Along with his skirt, his wavy hair, well hair extensions, elegantly moves with every head turn and whenever he walks. 'Nagi should've styled his hair too, he even went the extra mile to paint his nails..'

Nagi didn't do anything special with his hair, instead having it loose and liberal. It leaves Reo lost in his thoughts again, clouded with visual possibilities of the way Nagi's hair could be. 'If Nagi were a girl, would she have even have her hair long? It'd be a bother, so maybe she'd cut it short but that wouldn't matter. I'd take care of her hair myself! I already wash Nagi's hair anyways.'

Indulging his idea, Reo imagined Nagi in a simple ponytail. It appeared to have a professional yet relaxed manner, it takes minimal effort to do anyways. Reo imagined himself in their kitchen, donned with an apron, and he's with Nagi, her hair put up in a lackadaisical ponytail. They'd both be wearing matching pyjamas while they cooked their midnight dinner. Mostly Reo would be doing the work but that wouldn't matter when dawn approaches and they're both in a deep slumber, embraced in each other's warmth, cuddled with their arms wrapped around the other.

Perhaps his hair would suit buns? Reo imagined Nagi in a messy, low bun, unbothered and quickly styled, with headphones placed on top of her head, playing a game Reo doesn't know but takes interest in, because anything Nagi does catches Reo's eyes. Space buns would look insanely cute but Reo lacks the confidence to think of that.

Maybe braids would look better instead? It'd be nearing evening, the amber sunlight pouring through the curtains. Reo imagined himself and Nagi sitting on their bed, their limbs entangled as the former runs his hands through the latter's white, soft hair. Splitting her hair into sections, Reo would braid her hair into a french braid. No, a crown braid would look better on her. Nagi's his treasure afterall.

Coming back to reality, Reo awes at Nagi's hair again, free and disappointingly unstyled. 'White suits him. I'd definitely marry Nagi, if he were a girl.'

White.

White wedding dress, matching with a white tuxedo suit, both adorned in white roses. The white silk veil would be pulled over her white hair and Reo would slip a ring onto her finger. She'd do the same to him, both their hands embellished with a circular band, symbolising continuous love, eternal commitment, and a vow to a life, a future together. The newly wedded husband and wife would promise this by sharing a kiss, an action they'd continue to do in the future, a reminder of their first and countless kisses they would have after. On that day, Nagi's hair would be carelessly yet beautifully flowing in the warm breeze. Or cold? Would they have a summer or winter wedding or some season in between? No matter the weather or day, he found the idea of marrying Nagi to be admirable. So admirable to the point Reo couldn't imagine himself marrying anyone else.

In every thought he had, Reo craved to kiss Nagi's hair.

5.

Soon, break quickly passes by, and Nagi clocks into his shift again. Reo orders shaved ice again, matcha flavoured this time. Summer is really unforgiving. Sitting on the same single table as last time, Reo watches Nagi approach him, with another tray in hand and another dessert on it. The uniform must be suffocating, Reo expected, perceiving how apparent the small sweat and the slight redness creeping onto his cheeks, and that's not from the blush make-up, are.

'Nagi should just remove it, since he's so hot… as in he's feeling hot, not like I think looks-wise he's hot but-'

Interrupting his internal ramble, Nagi places Reo's order gently onto the table. Guilt washes over Reo. It wouldn't be weird to share right? Well, he might as well give it to Nagi, since Reo had already eaten one early.

"Nagi," he calls, before Nagi swiftly leaves to take another person's order, "Let's share? I mean.." Reo weakly pushes the cold, sweet delicacy towards the waiter, "You can have it all, yeah? I ate one before break anyway!" In confusion and dispute, Nagi tilts his head and pouts in reply. "But.. you didn't even eat it." 'Wait, I didn't?-' "Last time I checked on you, it melted. Didn't like that flavour?" Scooping a plentiful amount of green shaved ice in his spoon, Reo raises it towards Nagi's face, particularly towards his mouth. "Then let's split it, I can tell you need something to recharge you."

Without hesitation, Nagi leans into and accepts Reo's offer. It isn't awkward since they do this often. This was a familiar action between them. It shouldn't be awkward since they do this often. Reo has had this constant foreign feeling ever since seeing Nagi today, even when he interacts with him.

Evident on the waiter's face, a wave of relief washes over him as he swallows a cold, sugary sensation. The way his eyes subtly shine brighter, the corners of his pink tinted lips curving upwards, makes his gorgeous face beam with elation. It takes all of Reo's common sense, that he hasn't thrown out the window yet surprisingly, to not stand up and reach for Nagi's face. It takes Reo his mental strength, which isn't a lot right now to be honest, to not stand up and kiss him at this very moment.

'How haven't I ever noticed..' -that Nagi is absolutely ineffable, Reo wonders. If he makes that reaction every time Reo presents him food, which is nearly the majority of the time, then all of Reo's senses would be gone. He couldn't and definitely wouldn't resist at all, giving into his furtive secret. He couldn't stay in passive wait and leave Nagi's kissable face untouched. He wants to passionately and greedily press his lips against her skin.

'..This isn't normal, is it.'

To have these kinds of thoughts, and worse these feelings, for someone so close, someone you deem as your best friend, your comrade, your right-hand man. To have this unforgivable notion for a boy. Reo's love should be for a girl, to ruin her lip liner, press his lips on the back of her hand, braid her hair, and kiss her. Reo would spend time with the love of his life, a girl, and one day get married to her.

Under the table, Reo clasps his hands together. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how hard he wishes, he prays, the only certain thing Reo knows will be in his future is Nagi, which should make sense.

They're best friends.

Or is it that Reo wants them to be more than that?

To adore a boy, kiss every part of him, eventually marry him and spend his life together with that boy. To wish that boy to be Nagi.

The sickening revelation stabs him over and over again, the revolting realisation drilling into his head, making him feel nauseous inside and out.

'I can't be feeling this way.

It's gross.

It's gross.
It's gross.
It's gross..
It's.. gross…
It's.. nice?

Knuckles turning white, Reo grasps his hands tighter, fingernails clawing and etching into his skin. He should be wishing Nagi were a girl. Or Reo was a girl. Or that Reo wasn't so confused. 'If only.. if we were different..'

+1

Lunch nearing the end, Nagi's classmates slowly begin to fill up the classroom for their final shift of the school day. For the third time, Reo carefully slides the door open, walks in and scans the room for Nagi. Frankly, Reo should be in his own classroom and help with the school festival, or at least explore other classes to see what they've done. Like it's instinct, he naturally finds his way back to Nagi. Nagi's classroom, that is.

Distracted, Reo flinches backwards when Nagi, still dressed in maid attire, suddenly appears right in front of him. "Reo, we have to leave. Let's go, we can even play football." Nagi says, impatiently waiting for Reo's response and their necessary cue to leave. "Huh? Why, what's wrong? Is it about the maid dress?" Reo splutters, baffled by the sudden invitation. Confused, Nagi tilts his head, "The maid dress..? No not that. They switched people's jobs, now I'm in the kitchen. Smh." Immediately, leaning forward, Reo bursts into uncontrollable laughter, holding onto Nagi's shoulders to stay balanced. "Reo! It's not funny. Let's go, please." Regaining his composure, he nods and gives Nagi a sympathetic smile.

Discreetly, Nagi and Reo slip past students that were preparing to open the restaurant-styled classroom again, and enter the packed corridors. "What a hassle.." Instantly, Nagi grabs Reo's hand, as they maneuver their way out of the crowd, their hands locked together the entire time, and eventually arrive at the boy's changing rooms.

Slowly opening the door, Reo steps in and reaches for the lightswitch, when Nagi objects. "Wait. Keep it dark, I might nap." Reo reaches for the door handle instead, closing the door. After, he walks toward his locker, noticing Nagi in the corner of his eye, sitting on the bench and laying against another locker. Reo can't see if his eyes are shut or not, but he forcefully directs his glance elsewhere, anywhere else but Nagi. With the lights dimmed, Nagi's silhouette vaguely resembles a girl.

".. When should I wake you?"

"Few minutes. 15 at most, if you're feeling generous."

"That's.. a generous amount you're giving yourself."

"You think?"

"Yeah, ha.. well, I'll wake you up in a bit, Nagi."

"..."

"..."

This is probably the last time Reo would ever be able to see Nagi like this, which is something Reo should accept, right? Selfishly and shamefully, just to satisfy himself, Reo looks back to see the girl he hoped, and prayed, was real. Impulsively, Reo approaches her and leans down, allowing himself to really take in his treasure. Even in the dark, she's stunning. Arguably, she appeared better with the lights turned off. When Reo's surroundings weren't clear, Nagi looked exactly like a girl. An extremely pretty girl. Ideally, the girl he'd love. Unfortunately, Nagi isn't a girl and neither is Reo, so he should stop feeling this way or at least stop thinking this way.

But when Nagi's lips are right there, inches away from his own, at that moment, Reo wonders what's holding him back. They're inches away, then an inch, then a half, until they're not. Reo doesn't kiss Nagi. He shouldn't kiss him. Leaning back, Reo almost turns away to go back to his locker and change into his kit, to later play football with Nagi and eventually forget about today. Almost. Before he can take another step, Reo feels a freezing hand wrap around his wrist. Refusing to face Nagi, to look him in the eye and acknowledge him, Reo stays grounded, rooted to the spot.

"Reo."

"..."

"I'm not dense. Something's been bothering you and.." Nagi lowers his head, tone full of guilt, ".. it's because of me." It wasn't a question because Nagi knows he's at fault. Racking his brain, Nagi contemplates what he's done to piss off Reo. Probably the dress? If it is because of that, Nagi doesn't completely get it but it's fine. Reo must have his reasons, Nagi just wants to know what they are, at least to try and understand Reo. Lifting himself up off the bench, he holds Reo's hand with both of his own, a touch of sultry heat and numbing cold mixing together. "So what did I do? You can tell me, Reo, I-"

"It's not-! Nagi, it's not because of you." Reo interjects loudly, then lowers his voice, barely whispering, "It's never because of you. You did nothing wrong.." Nagi waits for Reo. For him to respond, to turn around and face him, so that they could look into each other's eyes again and maybe both of them can try to understand each other. "It's me, I've just been thinking really weird and awful. I want to stop, I'm trying but I can't help it. I.. I don't know if I'm even trying. Maybe I want to feel this and think that and for this to work out and-"

"Reo." Nagi interrupts his nonsensical blather, lost as to what he's trying to convey, "Why.. is it your fault? I don't get it." Instead of answering, Reo replies with a question in return.

"Can I kiss you?"

All of a sudden, Nagi can actually hear his heartbeat. It's loud and beating fast, and his head is starting to feel light, and he realises he's holding his breath. Nagi licks his lips. "And why do you want to do that?" Finally, Reo reluctantly turns to face Nagi, raising his unoccupied hand towards Nagi's face, not entirely reaching him. His touch lingers against his skin and Nagi melts inside, a warm and tempting sensation radiating from Reo's palm, making him want to lean into it, wanting Reo to actually hold him. "Because I think.. I love you." Gingerly, Reo leans forward again. Astonished, mouth gaped and eyes widened, Nagi stills when their faces are inches apart for a second time. When Nagi tentatively nearly closes the distance, his movement almost unnoticeably, briskly Reo finishes the job for him.

It lasted for a second, perhaps even less, yet for both of them, it was worth every millisecond. This time, Nagi gives Reo a kiss, lasting a few moments longer, a mix of familiarity and fear blooming from their lips. They separate, catching their breath, until Reo abruptly smashes their lips together. Surrounded by dimness, alone with only the other as company, they kiss again and again, only breaking up to breathe, then connecting again. Reo kisses her, feeling her lips. He tries again.

Reo kisses her, one hand holding her face and the other intertwined with Nagi's hand, Reo brushing his thumb against his glossy nailpolish. He tries again. Reo kisses him, Nagi's hair tickling Reo's skin each time he leans in. He tries again. Experimentally, Reo presses his lips all over Nagi's face, hearing him giggle a hushed laugh. Again. Again and again, they keep trying and trying until they get it right or until they feel like they got it right.

Reo keeps on trying until he feels right.

Nagi lets him continue, to repeatedly try until Reo realises he's wrong.

Nagi believes Reo isn't in love with him. The fact he's wearing a silly maid dress, clipped with stupid hair extensions and face painted with foolish make-up convinces Nagi that Reo isn't in love with him. Reo is in love with the idea of Nagi as a girl, possibly would be in love with Nagi if he were a girl. Which means Reo isn't in love with him. He's not in love with Nagi.

For another time, Reo leans in to kiss Nagi's lips and as he savours the bittersweet taste of Reo's lips, the heat from his sacred hands and the pitiful, temporary romance Reo is giving him, Nagi's mind unintentionally drifts off for a brief moment, a vitriol thought forming in his head.

'If I were different, we could've worked out…

but if he's willing to actually try, we might see this through, together.

Reo, I love you. I know I love you.

I'll say that to you when the time's right.'

Nagi stares into Reo's eyes, and he stares back. "Nagi," Reo heaves, speaking words between jagged breaths, "I love you." Nagi replies to that declaration with another kiss.

'You don't, Reo.

You don't love me, you're in love with the idea of me,

as a girl.

Is that the only way

you'll love me?

The only way would be

if I were different.'