Chapter Text
It’s a peaceful evening on a Wednesday in mid-July when the call comes in.
There, on Johnny’s white, marbled kitchen island, sat their simple dinner; a pan of steaming japchae, cooked by Doyoung, and a healthy amount of kimchi, made by one of their mothers, sitting on the side. Johnny doesn’t get the chance to pull the chilled beers out because the sound of his phone ringing, from the side table next to his couch behind them, breaks their silent groove, the vibrations irritating and aggressive.
Doyoung checks the caller ID for him, calling out their manager's name, before picking up for him.
“Hello?” Johnny watches attentively from beside the fridge, adoring the way his boyfriends lips pout when he gets professional. A decade of knowing him, a year and a half of dating, and the elder still found little details to dream about before he went to sleep. Today, he thinks to himself, this is what I’ll dream about.
Behind Doyoung, the curtains are drawn open, leaving a clear view of the city and the beautiful sunset; the clouds are slightly blue with underbellies of orange, and they frame Doyoung’s head like a crown. The singer lifts his head and blocks the glowing sun as he stares straight at Johnny. “Why, what happened?"
Johnny is brought out of his thoughts then, concerned that they’ll have to abandon their lovely evening for work once again. He gestures for his boyfriend to hand over the phone, which he does immediately, with his head tilted to keep an ear near.
“Hyung, what's up?”
“Johnny.” A deep, drawn out sigh is heard, and they both go to check to see if the call ended before the answer is said. “There’s a little girl. Social services say she’s yours.”
It’s their turn to be silent now, both men stuck in their places, joints locked into their sockets. Their manager doesn’t let them sit in their shock for long though.
“Get to the office now.” Then the call is cut.
Johnny's eyes are still trained outside a few minutes later, the sun now hidden behind a building off in the distance, and he struggles to pull himself out of the trance. His mouth is dry from how long he’s had it open, which just makes it harder for him to even think of something to say. Usually, in these moments, there’s a quip, a joke, a comment to make, but his mind feels wiped.
It’s Doyoung who moves first, grabbing the taller man by his shoulders and shaking him out of it. They work on auto-pilot as they put the food away and gather their things. Neither of them speak, not in the lift, or in the car park, or the whole drive to SM, which Johnny is thankful for because he can’t even think straight. It is a miracle that there were no crashes that day.
Sitting in the parked car, Johnny found that he couldn’t get himself to move once again. A million thoughts went through his mind; a recount of every woman he’s touched, his family medical history, how many sharp corners his high rise apartment had, how they had a performance in LA soon and how his elderly parents definitely couldn’t handle a child for longer than an hour. He vocalises the loudest thought in his head.
“Did you ever want kids?” Doyoung whips his head around, hand still on the door handle. He must see Johnny’s vacant, far off stare, because he settles down back into his seat and faces him properly.
“Yes, I love kids. I thought you knew this?”
“But, like this?” It’s frustrating, how he knows what he feels but doesn’t know how to explain it. “You haven’t even enlisted yet. We aren’t married. The kid’s not even yours.”
He can feel his breath shorten with every statement, hands shaking in a way that hadn’t happened since his debut. Doyoung, noticing this, rests his hand on top of Johnny’s, where they had been on the wheel.
“A child is a child, hyung. How they got here doesn’t matter anymore, we have to focus on how we can help them.”
The words are rational, straightforward and, as much as it answers none of his questions, it calms him down promptly. He replays those words in his head on repeat as they make their way up to the lobby.
Once they get there, a manager rushes them up the building and into a meeting room where, through the glass, Johnny can see a small head of brown hair sitting in a chair too big. He freezes next to the door, suddenly realising just how serious this is. Doyoung’s warm hand moves up and down his exposed arm, and he wonders if the child would feel uneasy at seeing his tattoos, if he should go back and grab an extra hoodie from somewhere.
He walks into the room instead, since there was no use drawing the inevitable out any longer. He doesn’t think anything could have prepared him for what he sees. The room vignettes around her; a small, round face, plump lips downturned slightly, and, most heartbreakingly, two sharp eyes that mirror his, beautifully brown and worried. They stare at each other for a moment, her gaze unmoving and overwhelming in a way he cannot name.
He rips his eyes away to take in the other details instead, like the way her hair is in two, tiny braids that look slept in, and the way her bangs are perfectly cut just up to her eyebrows. Everything about her is so small that he feels a little sick. Her little hands squeeze a little brown bear, and her little fingernails are painted bright orange. Under her baby blue overalls is a fashionable white blouse with a ruffled collar. She looks like everything he ever imagined in his dreams of his future, except in his dreams, she would be bouncing around him happily, not staring at him like she wants to hide behind her moms legs.
As he sits down on the round table, Doyoung by his side, he notices how the only unrecognisable adult in the room is a woman, dressed in a plain grey suit, hair pulled back in a tight bun at the back of her head. From the small stack of papers in front of her, it’s clear she was with social services.
“Good evening, Mr Suh. My name is Park Iseul.” He greets her back as politely as he can, eyes flickering over to the child sitting next to her, wondering if she had a name he had sweetly dreamt of before. “This is Seoyun. Her mother is Kang Jisoo, who you may have known before.”
Johnny knew her three, maybe even four years ago. He still had a number saved in his phone under her name, but it had gone untouched for a while. They had met through a friend of Taeyong’s, bonding over their shared love of photography, though she was a professional and he was nothing in comparison. He had liked her a lot, she was one of the few fleeting romances he had that he had shared with the members before they had fizzled out due to his schedule.
(And the fact that he was pining after Doyoung at that time, though no one knew that fact.)
Jisoo had always been strong willed though, she never beat around the bush with him, which is why he is shocked. If this girl, Seoyun, was his, which she clearly is, then he wonders why she never told him. Seoyun was clearly in pre-school, which meant that there had been at least 3 years of missed milestones; first words, first steps, first solids. He doesn’t really know the Korean school curriculum, but she must be learning how to write her own name by now. Who had taught her how to hold a pen?
“Where is Jisoo?” Is what he asks, finding that he had too many questions swarming his thoughts once again. He notices Seoyun sitting up higher then, clearly paying more attention.
“Jisoo… she has been found, let’s say, unfit to take care of anyone right now.” Once again, Johnny is left only more confused so he just stares blankly, trying to fill in the gaps. Iseul seems to understand this and kindly fills the silence, “I can give you this folder here, which would give you more information on the situation, but we called you here because there is no other relative to take care of Seoyun. We understand you gave up parental rights, but this was our last resort before having to get a foster family-”
“That’s not- I never gave anything up.” He always hated when people interrupted, but he thought it had to be said, for Seoyun, for Doyoung, for himself, so that they know he isn’t like that.
“Sorry?”
“She never told me. That she was pregnant. I never knew I was a dad.” With everyone staring at him, it felt like no one believed him and there’s a tightness in his chest at the thought of his daughter thinking that he would give her up. A familiar hand on his arm lets him know that he has someone, the love of his life, here to help him through it, and it calms him somewhat.
“We still don’t know if you are the father for sure, so we should deal with that first.” A legal representative comments, which irritates him slightly because Seoyun looks like she had been ripped out of his mothers binder of childhood photos, her hair being the only difference. Though he understands the sentiment, he knows how delicate this could be for himself and his members, for the company, he can’t help but wonder if it really matters.
“That is true, you are not listed on any documents, we had to get your name from Jisoo herself. The issue of DNA tests and such can be decided amongst yourself. I am just here to fulfill the wishes of the mother, and that is to see that her child is kept safe until she is rehabilitated.” Johnny appreciates the subtle, sharp glance she sends to the side of the table the managers and higher-ups are sitting.
He takes a deep breath and asks, “What do you need me to do?” The ‘I’ll do anything’ goes unsaid.
“You would need to watch her, keep her healthy and take her to where she needs to be. There will be some social service visits in a few weeks, which we can discuss soon, privately.” She places a hand on Seoyun's head and smiles tightly with the last part, which he understands to mean, ‘not in front of her’.
Johnny turns to Doyoung, who seems to already know what to do as he’s pushing his chair back.
“There’s some very yummy options on the cafeteria menu today, would you like to try them with me Seoyun-ah?” He’s putting on his most charming, child friendly smile and using a voice that could get him compared to Miss Rachel.
“Jumeokbap?” The sound of her voice sends shockwaves through his body, and he has to cover his mouth quickly before he lets out an embarrassing noise of fondness, or distress. It’s so cute; sounding as tiny as her, high pitched and pouty, and somewhat quiet like she is too afraid to speak.
“We can check! If not, then Doyoung-ssi will make you some!” He holds out a hand for her, which she takes fairly quickly, with just one look back at Iseul. With a nod of the head from Iseul, she moves her little legs fast around the table and they are both gone, a manager trailing behind just in case.
As soon as they’re gone, the short stack of papers is passed over to him, open for him to read. The first half of the page gives him all of Seoyun’s basic information; her full name, Kang Seoyun, her date of birth, 5th of May 2022, her address, somewhere he recognises is across Seoul. There's a picture of Seoyun attached to it with a paperclip, clearly a passport photo of some kind as she looks much younger in it. Under family history is the information he really needs, written in a scratchy handwriting, in comparison to the previous printed script.
Mother: Kang Jisoo, history of Post-partum depression, previously received warning for leaving child at daycare after hours, arrested for possession and usage of marijauna and unprescribed pills.
Father: Uninvolved. Suh ‘Johnny’ Youngho,
Other relatives: maternal grandparents deceased, no aunts or uncles. Close family friends found unfit to take care of the child.
“What does this mean? That she left her after hours, and what pills?”
“She was often late for pickup, held up at work or oversleeping, but she managed it quickly after the warning. The pills were xanax, which I believe is how she was managing her responsibilities.”
He sits on the information for a few minutes, devastated that she had struggled for so long and was now being punished for it, but also furious that she had refused to tell him when he could've been there to do something about it.
“I would assume you have an extra bedroom for Seoyun to sleep in?” He nods, there's actually two extra bedrooms, but one had become into some sort of makeshift studio, with all his cameras and DJ equipment. “That’s good. We will check the conditions of the residence soon, as well as to check that you are keeping her safe. She should be going back to kindergarten soon but her teachers will be made aware of what's going on, so if she seems to be struggling to adjust when we come for the visit, she can take a little longer. Her mother will be awaiting trial for a few months and we hope the court will be lenient to her, so that Seoyun can go back to normalcy quickly.”
“Is there any way I can talk to Jisoo? I just- I don’t know. I need to talk to her.” Iseul hums sympathetically, in a way that tells him he might not get what he wants any time soon.
“Unfortunately, Jisoo is currently being uncooperative with the police, so visiting is unlikely until,” she lets out a deep sigh, and he can see how she rolls her eyes behind her lids, “the police decide that she is ready.”
He understands her frustration then, because that means he will get no answers anytime soon. Johnny has never been a violent man, he’s always kept his cool in situations out of his control but, at the moment, he wants to punch his fist into something. Instead, he rubs his palms over his face, aggressively, and takes a deep breath.
For a moment, he feels calmer, until one of the men on the side starts talking.
“What about his work? We cannot have this go public just yet and we have a performance at Kcon LA that we cannot have him miss.”
“Is that really important? I have a child, who has been taken away from her mother, and you want me to perform instead?” As he says it, he can feel his neck heating up, and something ugly rises in his throat reminding him why he hates to get angry.
“This is a delicate situation, Johnny,” His manager starts and Johnny goes to argue again but the older man continues with sternness, “we have to think of your members and how this may affect the whole group. It hasn’t even been a year, and there are websites waiting to get their hands on anything to ruin what you have all worked for, and they are not above using this little girl to do that. Not only would it be hard for you, it will be hard for her.”
“We would also prefer that no details of this case be shared beyond what is necessary. As for your work overseas, we could give permission for her to travel with you if we are made aware in advance, however she cannot be filmed for any kind of content. You are welcome to find some childcare if it is only a short trip, and that would be preferred once she starts school again.”
“So, I just take her home? I have her until her mom comes back?” Iseul simply nods at that, and he prays that it means that the conversation is over.
“Since that is dealt with, we should talk about the issue of the fans and public opinion-”
Johnny groans loudly and gets up from his seat.
“That’s your job, tell them whatever and I’ll go with it. We’re going home now.”
Politely, he shakes Iseul’s hand and thanks her for her time, after which she slips him a post-it note with her number on it, just in case. She also hands him a small bag of clothes before she sits back down. With that reassurance, he takes the files and leaves, walking in long strides towards the cafeteria.
Once he gets there, he stands in the precipice of the room, watching the scene in front of him. Next to the window, on a small table fit for four, is Seoyun and Doyoung, and the manager, Minjun, who followed. He watches in awe as she swings her legs from where they hang over the chair and giggles at whatever Doyoung is saying. Even manager Minjun is smiling fondly at her joy, and he wonders if he is allowed to intrude on the moment, he wonders if maybe she would deflate at the sight of him.
No point wondering all day, he thinks to himself. So he walks forward, with all the confidence he does not feel, and places a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. Doyoung, ever the smiley love bug he is, brightens immediately when he faces Johnny, while Seoyun halts her movements. Despite the hit to his ego, Johnny smiles as authentically as he can manage.
“Did you eat jumeokbap?” She nods, shaking her entire body, “Was it yummy?” She purses her lips and looks off to the side. It makes the three men laugh, which she seems pleased at, judging by the way her shoulders relax.
He chooses his next words carefully, so as to not scare her into not coming home with him, bends down to her level and asks, “What did Ms Iseul tell you today?”
“She said that Mommy has to go away and I have to stay with someone else, then she comes home later.” She fiddles with the bow tie on her brown bear as she speaks.
“That’s right, you’re coming home with me, and Doyoung. Is that alright?”
She tilts her head, humming as she thinks, before she says, as seriously as a 3 year old can be, "Can you cook?” He tries not to laugh, not wanting to make her feel ridiculous, but the furrow in her brow reminds him of her mother, who was always very intense about food. Is, he reminds himself.
“I can cook, but it’s not amazing, I’m sorry.”
“That’s ok, we can learn.”
The drive home is quiet, with just the radio playing at low volume and the hum of the engine filling the silence. Seoyun is thankfully big enough to sit in the car without a booster seat for now, though Doyoung sits in the back with her, just in case. Johnny watches her from time to time through the car mirrors, but she stays unmoved, watching the moon follow them all the way home.
She sticks close the whole way up, eyes wide as she takes in the sleek design of the building, head tilted all the way back to see herself in the mirror on the roof of the lift. Thankfully the excitement keeps her from being too tired, though it is most definitely past her bedtime, which means they can heat up the food once again and get her to eat some good food.
While Doyoung stands at the stove top, Johnny bends down next to her, where she stands next to his large windows.
“Would you like some help getting changed?” She glances at him for a second and tentatively shakes her head no. “Ok, let me show you your bedroom then.”
It takes her a few seconds to walk away from the sights of the city skyline, but eventually she follows him down the hall between the living room and kitchen. He opens the door to the bathroom first so she can stick her head in and leaves her toothbrush in the cup next to theirs, then, parallel to the bathroom, he leads her into the guest room.
The room is so unfitting for a child that he feels embarrassed for a moment. In the middle of the right wall sits a double bed with simple dark grey bedding, two wooden bed side tables with lamps on top and an empty closet facing the window, smaller than the ones in the living room. In his defence, the room was only ever used once in a while, if one of the members got too drunk to go home or if his parents came to visit once in a blue moon.
Seoyun is clearly unimpressed, but she does not complain, simply placing her bear in the middle of the pillows. He takes out what he thinks are pyjamas from her bag and leaves it all on the bed for her, and shuts the door as he walks out.
His stomach grumbles loudly at the smell of the japchae, which he can hear Doyoung laugh at.
“Ready to eat, Appa?” He says in a teasing tone, and Johnny groans loudly like he can feel his bones withering away already.
“I would’ve loved to hear you call me that just a few hours ago.” Doyoung pulls a face and throws a napkin at him. “God, Hyuck is going to be relentless when he finds out.”
“You don’t have to tell them just yet, focus on her instead.” His boyfriend runs a hand through his hair, comforting from the panic that rises in him again. He hums, pleased.
“We have to make her room better, and get her more clothes. She needs toys- oh, should I get her an ipad? What do kids do all day?”
“Hyung,” Doyoung says through a laugh, “do not get her an ipad. Did they say where the rest of her stuff is, from where she was living before?” Johnny shakes his head no, already reaching for the files to check through her information again. “We can figure it out tomorrow, let's just eat and go to sleep for now.”
As if on cue, the bedroom door opens and out walks Seoyun, with her pink unicorn pyjama bottoms and her blouse.
“Uhm… Johnny?” She shoots her arms straight up, “Help?”
Doyoung has to push him forward a little, because he stands there stunned for a second, but he moves to help her, fixing the blouse so he could open a button and pull it over her head. A thin, pink long-sleeve replaces it without a word.
He has to help her up on the island chair, and she sits politely as they plate up some food for her. Johnny lets Doyoung take over the conversation then, listening to her rattle off facts about herself; her favourite colour– yellow– her favourite show– my little pony– and that she loves to draw.
“Mommy takes pictures and I copy them and then it goes on our fridge and then she give it to people and gets lotsa money!” She says, small arms moving around, still too short to reach above her head. She doesn’t eat the food herself, but obediently opens her mouth and chews when they guide the food in front of her. Training chopsticks go onto Johnny’s mental list of necessities.
By the time he manages to get her to finish her plate, the food is cold again and it is most definitely past her bedtime. Not only does it take long because she struggles to chew bites any bigger than a table spoon but she also refuses any green onions or fatty pieces of meat. Nevertheless, she is fed and hydrated by half a glass of water. When she yawns loudly as he loads the dishwasher, he decides to skip the teeth brushing, especially given the day ahead.
Despite the way her eyes struggle to stay open, she is hesitant to get into bed.
“What’s wrong? You want me to tell you a story?” She shakes her head, “I can keep a light on for you.” She thinks for a moment and shakes her head again.
“I sleep with Mommy.” Her voice is quiet, and he expects her to cry, most kids he’s been around would cry hard until they pass out, but she simply turns her head to stare at the bed as if to prepare herself for one more new experience of the day.
Since she won’t ask herself, he speaks up for her. “Would you like to sleep next to me and Doyoung? It's a very big bed.” She nods her head so enthusiastically, he worries that it’ll fall off her neck. The brown bear comes along the hallway with them.
“Jagiya,” Johnny calls out teasingly sweet, “I got a lovely little girl for us to sleep next to!”
From his place on the right side of the bed, Doyoung shuts his phone off and sits up with a bright smile on his face. “Ah, hello Seoyun-ie! You know he snores so loud, are you sure we shouldn't just kick him out?”
She giggles as she clambers up the bed and under the sheets, right in the middle of the queen sized bed. “No, he will cry!” They both laugh cruelly at him, but once he climbs in, she turns over and closes her eyes pretty quickly, so he turns his lamp off and lays down.
Over her tummy, Doyoung squeezes Johnny’s hand three times, and they both follow her into sleep.