Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Hello! My name is Mateo. I also go by Matthew or Matt for short. I have two names for a reason. It's because my family is Hispanic, so I gotta have a Spanish name... Anyway, I almost have nobody to talk to about my real personal business, so I'm making this. As some way to get it all off my chest. You don't have to read on after this. I wouldn't blame you honestly because I'm a young teen who acts like everything is the end of his life.. But I just wanted to vent everything out somehow.

Fair warnings:
1. Swears
2. Sexual talk
3. Slurs
4. Matt's personal business that probably shouldn't be shared in all honesty

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October 4th, 2025 at approximately 2:00 PM

My sister had just gotten home from her driving test. This was I think her third or fourth time taking it. She had failed, just like every attempt before this time. She walked into my room, placed her phone down where I lay and was just about to launch into a long spiel about how pissed she was because she didn't understand why she had failed. Then we heard the *Thunk* *Thunk* *Thunk* on the stairs up to our bedroom. The recognition of our brother's steps was immediate, considering him wearing boots, and being a bit on the heavier size for guys his age.

Upon entering my bedroom, he was quick to start scolding his twin. She had thrown away the paper stating the reasoning for the failure. He couldn't seem to understand why, stating that she should study it in order to pass next time.

Scolding became yelling between the two very quickly as I was just drawing on my phone, still lying on my bed. My sister decided to be the bigger person this time, walking away after telling him off. My brother on the other hand followed her, kicking her into her bedroom door from behind. He cowardly ran back to the corner of my bedroom, involving me in a argument I shouldn't have a part in. Yet here they were arguing in my bedroom. She quickly ran back in, hitting him while yelling even more. It only was very incoherent on my part. I try to zone out during most arguments. Out of rage at this and my sister returning to her room, my brother screamed, punching a hole into my wall. I hadn't been looking, too focused on my work to stare up at the already pissed off grown man. But the moment I heard the crack, my head shot up, startled by the loud crack. I screamed in shock. I was genuinely so scared in that moment. My brother had just put a hole in my wall after straight up assaulting our sister. I was shaking very subtly, just enough for nobody to notice aside from myself.

When I screamed, my brother returned louder. "Shut the fuck up, bitch!"

He stormed out and back downstairs, slamming the door behind him. I quickly followed, flinging the door open and yelling to our mom about what he had just done. He yelled once again, causing my mom to come over to the staircase where he stood. I barely made any of their arguing out aside from my mom telling my brother to get out and threatening to call the cops. She never does though. It's always the same things. But never any action taken. Sometimes I wish she would. I know she's scared. Too scared of what he'll tell the cops. Or what the people will think of her one and only oldest son went to jail for assault.

I stood in my bedroom, just shaking as I stared at my wall. What else could I do. All my life, I've shared a bedroom, so two years ago when I finally earned my own room to myself, I was ecstatic. Who wouldn't be. I spent those two whole years making this space my own. A safe haven for me and me alone with my pretty pink walls and interests splattered all over the walls and shelves.

I have no clue how, but one single break in my wall felt like all my work was useless. It isn't just a hole in my wall. It's a hole in my barrier. A barrier strictly set for my comfort.

Later that day, while my brother was asleep in his bedroom, I snuck downstairs, grabbing my dad's roofing tape that he used to use for work and some scissors. Once I was safely back in my room, I began patching up my wall. It's not great but I tried my hardest to repair it on my own with what I had. It's still like that now and I'm not sure when it'll be fixed honestly. Update: 10/11/25 To explain the layout of my house quickly. If you walk upstairs, you see a closet and a bedroom on each side of the closet. This landing in tiny by the way. On the left is my room. And my sister's is on the right. I already answered a question about my door situation in the comments.

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Recently, almost every appliance in my house is breaking. First it was my kitchen sink. It kept getting clogged for absolutely no reason and we could not figure it out. We had one of my dad's friends come over and try to pull out whatever was blocking the pipe but the snake he used literally broke while in it. And we had to attempt to the broken piece out. The next day, another friend😐. He poured a bunch of chemicals down the sink to try and melt whatever it was I guess. The day after that, the sink fucking exploded. Chemicals went everywhere and poison was on literally everything and melting stuff :O. So, we had to use the bathroom sink in order to wash dishes. Anyway We only just 3 days ago got the sink replaced. And due to the poison getting all over a bunch of things, we had to replace our fridge too.

A day after the sink exploded, the toilet stopped flushing, so guess what else we had to replace.

While all this was happening both my washer and dryer stopped working. The washer would leave the clothes sopping wet and the dryer wasn't getting hot enough to dry them. There goes more money spent at home Depot and hours spent on trying to put our appliances in.

My family is now in deeper debt than before. Jesus Christ, I need to get a job soon. Trust me when I say I will get out of this place no matter what I do.

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I have no clue when I started to get this feeling but I've had it for about 2 or 3 years now. It's honestly undescribable aside from a deep yearning to leave and an even deeper hatred. I have 99 problems and my friends are 98 of them. The other is that I'm poor. Anyway, this feeling has only started really coming up this week. So, I'm just gonna list all the things I view as wrong with my "friends."

Dan: Dan is obsessive about the things he likes to a genuinely aggravating amount. He paid 380 dollars for a single shoe and painting because it was from the outsiders. I'm not saying this because I'm jealous, I'm saying it because it's sickens me how someone could just spend it on something so useless. Yes, I collect trinkets but they're small and cheap. Only about 10 bucks max and a majority of them are offerings to the gods. Once Dan shot up during a class we have together and yelled "I love the outsiders." I was so unbelievably embarrassed and uncomfortable that I kinda just went silent for the rest of class. He used to yell at me anytime I brought up the stuff I liked. He'd say "I love the outsiders more than you like *insert thing*." Which I never implied I just was trying to talk about something I was interested in... I've talked to him and he stopped but it still bothers me honestly. You're probably wondering why I'm still his friend then. Because it feels like I owe him something. He's bought me a ton of the stuff I like and has spent tons of money on me whenever we go to the mall. So, I feel as if I'd be incredibly entitled for just leaving like it was all nothing. To add onto that, he's constantly talking about his girlfriend. Yes he asks before venting but it gets tiring when you hear about it constantly. I genuinely hate Kimmy now because of it. Talk about something else for once.

Ari: Ari is trans and I'm not trying to sound transphobic, but ever since she transitioned, she has gone completely down hill. She's been incredibly rude, used her gender against me before, and been incredibly creepy. Now let me ask you a question. Have you ever had some dream about raping you? Well Ari did. That along with pedophilia, incest, and a dream of me raping her. She enjoyed it too. She said it herself. She told me about it. I only learned she enjoyed it from Dan. I'm sickened by her and the fact I ever promised to stay her friend last year. A few weeks ago she shoved me for trying to talk to Dan. Adding on to all this she is genuinely ill. A while ago she became depressed and was threatening to kill herself when I wasn't around which is creepy on it own but with the dreams? I genuinely want to throw up thinking about it. So, I went to her mom and told her about the messages, I was receiving. She screamed at me and hated me for a good while. She's over it now but I can never forget nor forgive.

Lyla: Jesus Christ she is constantly violating everyone's boundaries. She comes up behind, grabs my shoulders and thrusts into me. I've told her to stop. And nothing changes. She talks about people's bodies to their faces and forces me to play into her disgusting jokes. I hate feeling her touch. She even hits me for some of the dumbest things. I'm a fast walker, so she hit me for "leaving her behind." I told her to walk faster and she knows that.

James: Holy shit is he boring. He constantly wants to come to my house and when he does he always brings his big ass dog while knowing I have 3 cats that are scared of the dog. Plus he never does his work in class. He always just sits there and mopes over nothing. Not only that but almost every word out of his mouth is about his ex. I've gotten over family deaths faster than he has over Ainsley.

Jamo: the only problem I have with him is that he spams out group chat too much.

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10/13/25

Today I went to a movie with my friends. We saw Tron: Ares. It was actually epic and we had tons of snacks. The only problem is that it was kinda left on a cliffhanger. I knew it would but it still sucks to know. Anyway I did have a problem while at the theater. You're probably thinking of tame things...

But, I threw up in the theater bathroom. I didn't even make it to the toilet. I vomited on the floor😭. All because I ate like 6 gummies and drank a whole medium slush. I wasn't even chugging it or anything I just started to feel sick bro.

All is well now. I managed through the rest of the movie none of them knew. Except Dan. And afterwards Lyla's mom got me McDonald's. I ended up getting a happy meal, but I got a duplicate toy. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER J-HOPE I WANT JUNG KOOK💔

Anyway that's all

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So, today I went on a field trip to Boston. I thought it would be really fun and it was, but my brother messaged me and sent me screenshots of my sister ranting to him about our parents. Basically saying that she wants to be able to do whatever she wants now because she's an adult. Which I can understand. But he told my mom and showed her all those messages talking about how terrible she is. The rest of the trip went fine actually except for when I accidentally pulled my friends hair and she screamed at me. Anyway, my sister messaged me on the bus ride back, saying she's not gonna come home and sent me the messages between her and my mom. Safe to say I'm really upset. I was already dreading getting home to see my mom, but she called me to the kitchen and told me we might sell the house. We'll stay in the area for my school, but still moving. On the other hand she always says this stuff when she's upset and doesn't know how to process things. It happens so much now because my dad has cancer and at this point she is straight up just telling me he will die. I'm so scared right now and I don't know what to do. Not only did she tell me that but when I went to walk away she asked if I thought she was a bad person. I can't stop crying. I just wanna go home but I am home. I am home and it sucks. My dad is dying. My sister and my mom are fighting. My sister isn't coming home. And my brother is the reason they are fighting. I just want my mommy but my mommy sucks and is literally so transphobic so I can never tell her how I feel or who I am. There isn't anybody to comfort me because I refuse to take comfort from my friends. All because my mom raised me to keep these things to myself, not ask for help, and everytime I ask for comfort I just get an "I'm sorry" but I don't want that. I want someone to tell me my dad will live to see me graduate, my mom will accept who I am, and my sister will come home.

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Honestly I really wish I was closer with my friends. I am already pretty close with my friends to the extent that we occasionally over share and share food, but I mean really close. I always hear those stories of the girls who have the dumbest meeting story but they've been bff's ever since and do tons of things together. I hate that I have to be so polite and pause conversations just so I can do things. I know it sounds weird but I think it would genuinely be so much funner if I had a friend who would help me shave, be in the same room, joking with me while I change, or cuddle with me. Do I have a boyfriend? Yes. But I don't want romance. I'm just a genuinely affectionate person and feel most comfortable with less clothes. TMI? Doesn't exist. I wanna be bold enough to tell them what I do in my alone time and other gross things. Maybe it's just that I miss it. I used to have two friends that I was that close with, but we're not friends anymore. It could just be that I miss them, but the fact I don't have that closeness with my other friends makes it kinda feel like I can't be honest about certain things. I could tell them but I'm not sure how they'd react. I will write them though.

Warning for anything weird.

I like puppy play, I said the n word on accident when I was 6(pls don't cancel me, I didn't know any better), I've had crushes on almost all my friends at one point, at one point I got so sick that my mom thought I had an eating disorder which I then used to get attention from a boy I missed talking to, said boy still makes fun of me for said sickness, that boy also told his mom that I had been fingering myself to make fun of me, when I was 4 my older cousin tried to touch me but was stopped by my dad, said cousin called me his favorite cousin until I was 11, I had a really bad stealing problem and would continuously steal from family when I was 5-6, I once told a boy that I was happy his dog died because I didn't like him for being annoying, I threatened to kill a girl in 5th grade because she had a crush on my unofficial boyfriend, I used to have a terrible ai addiction and it took me 2 years to get rid of it, I got rid of said addiction by imagining how disgusted my family would be with me and the scenarios I was making, one of my older cousins almost got me addicted to porn and masturbating by showing me yagami yato when I was 6 which eventually led to the ai problem, for a long time, I hated my grandma for how she acted before she died despite knowing it was a side affect of her dementia, and the same cousin who tried to touch me also let me hit his vape when I was 7

I was young and an idiot. I am honestly ashamed of what I've done and feel bad for all of it. So, I'll try and reiterate.

I want a close friend who can not only be my friend but help me to get over what I've done.

Oh and I miss Irene sometimes.

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On March 21st at 1:11 AM, a beautiful baby girl was born, they named her Isabella Amanda with the first name originating from queen Isabella of Spain. Isabella was born to a young 25 year old mother and a 28 year old father who had been diagnosed with brain cancer not long after she was conceived. Her father, Noe fought for months as she grew not only physically but mentally. Isabella was always quick to develop. She lifted her head not even an hour out of the womb after all. Thankfully he went into remission not too long after her birth.

She had always had her funny little quirks growing up in a tiny apartment, whether that be acting like a cat, or taking weird selfies of herself. When she turned 6, she got her first cat, a black and white male named Simba. She loved him with her whole heart. He was her first ever pet. In all realness, she wasn't supposed to have him, she lived in an apartment which was in the basement of a run-down complex. Not long after they got Simba, she got Pepper, an all black female cat. Yet, eventually this tiny apartment began to grow black mold from a bursted pipe in the walls. So, they packed up and moved. At age 6, Isabella finally stepped into her first house, one hour away from all her family, her home, and her comfort. During this time, she grew attached to her mother's computer. The Internet at that time felt like the only escape from the stress and anxiety that grew from the unknown.

Those first few years flew by In a jumble of her being the quiet geek who only had one friend. The most notable thing that ever happened was her meeting, Ryan. He was a boy her age who actually shared interests with her for the first time and immediately they became friends. They had their ups and downs constantly. During one of these downs, she met Stella and Hunter. These two really brought out what she hated about herself, she became incredibly closed off, addicted to her phone, and never slept at night. She was incredibly depressed and spent her time binging Minecraft streamers thrice her age. She even got a girlfriend that year. Though, it didn't last long.

In 4th grade, she finally got to know Irene. The two had been in the same 3rd grade class, but never properly talked because of how popular Irene seemed. Plus, that quick development had died down, putting her behind her class during COVID. Irene quickly became her second girlfriend. Once again, the time in between became pretty fuzzy.

Finally, she reached 8th grade. That's when she died. She was quickly replaced by me, Mateo. There's not much to explain. All you have to do is look at how shit my life has been this year in the past chapters. Oh there's more tho.

Ryan came out as trans. She goes by Ari now. She also got kicked out of our group for being problematic.
Lyla had a situationship with a random British guy she met on snap who then blocked her
I have a rant account on tiktok
Pepper died
I came out as trans and gay to my friends
I got a boyfriend
And I dropped Irene
Oh and I got a bob.

Listen, there is a lot more to it, but listing it all would cost me a lifetime. I will add though that my dad got cancer again, and now has pneumonia. The doctors think he has less than a year left. I would link my mom's go fund me but I low-key don't know it so...😬 Yeah. GO FOLLOW ME AT mateovacxgt ON TIKTOK🙏