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the tapping of the raindrops on the living room window provides a soothing acoustic as you feel yourself sink deeper into the cushions of your bed. you wonder how it’s even possible for these cushions to have any depth to them, since your bed isn’t much of one at all but rather an attachment to the couch that you’ve had ever since you moved into this apartment. you never really considered getting an actual bed with a mattress and a frame; the couch has worked fine for the most part. at least, before you started having to share it.
your attention shifts to the inphernal resting right beside you, staring somewhat listlessly at the flickering blue light of the television that provides the only source of illumination in the room. they’re the reason the sounds of a late night sitcom softly wade through the air, something you never thought they found entertainment in. the quiet snicker they let out at a joke you could’ve anticipated a full ten seconds before seems to indicate otherwise. maybe they’re just making an exception for tonight.
you gaze deeper at the features that capture their physical form. the tall, jarring set of fuchsia horns. the purplish crystal that serves as one of the many reminders of a bitter past. the smaller set of horns that act almost like tusks. the long, frizzy hair they’ve draped over their infected eye, another one of those reminders. it doesn’t look as disfigured after time allowed the crystal energy of your patch to take effect, but the sclera still remains a color of black taken from the night sky.
that eye looks awfully tired as it fixates upon the countless pixels that make up the television screen. both of them do, you notice matter-of-factly. it doesn’t come as much of a surprise: they did seem more exhausted than usual, the irritating spunk that typically seasons their words having been left behind in the cold, dark mountains. you begin to wonder if everything’s alright with them, but you quickly brush away any concern that might’ve had the chance to materialize. probably just a long day at the lab, you reason. you turn your focus towards the screen.
“sometimes…i wonder why i hate you so much.”
you blink out of genuine surprise. there’s a thought way out of left field, especially for them. most of the limited time you’ve spent together for the past few months is, in your mind, simply to make up for how much you failed them, to the point where having this feeling of hatred is the most rational option.
“i could name at least ten different reasons.”
“i don’t say that like i lack reason to, meddy. you know that as well as i do. it just…gets draining after a while. i don’t always have the energy for it.”
each sentence that drifts out of their mouth contains a new twist for your brain to grapple with. the inphernal that, to your knowledge, hated you as if it were their second nature was now admitting it takes them mental effort to do so. was this really subspace speaking? you draw your attention away from the screen and back towards them. still there, no sign of abduction or mind control evident.
“have the energy?”
“as much as the…circumstances…surrounding us should make my feelings toward you effortless, i still find them carving out a piece of me each and every day, no matter how small that piece is. it’s taken a bigger piece today, i can tell you that much.”
“i…see.”
their words are a bit hard to understand, but you think you get the general idea. they did sound as tired as they looked, pausing for longer than usual and on the verge of completely stumbling over their words. not once had their expression edged even an inch away from the screen they were watching. perhaps it’d be nice to not worry about their mood and simply let them be. at least for tonight.
“to be honest, i don’t know what i’m feeling right now. i think i just…want to exist with you. nothing else. is…that alright?”
their gaze has now shifted towards you, a faint twinkle flashing in their eyes as they make their request. it feels so simple, but at the same time it feels like one of the greatest commitments someone can make. to simply exist means ceasing any sort of action, any sort of expressing oneself. no thinking, no doing. just…being. asking for permission is also quite unlike them, but at this point, you can’t help to admit…it does sound quite nice.
“i’d…be more than happy to exist alongside you.”
“thank you…meddy.”
they hazily reach for the remote and turn off the tv, instantly plunging the living room into total darkness. it takes a beat for your eyes to adjust to the sudden lack of light, but when they do, you notice your bedmate snuggling as tightly to you as they can, one arm wrapping itself around your torso. feeling the need to reciprocate, you wrap your own arm around them as well. the warmth of their body starts to seep ever so slowly into your body, their physical form melting into you.
you notice that they haven’t shut their eyes yet, still keeping them in contact with yours. you can feel your heart beating louder and louder as you sink deeper and deeper into the moment. once their face starts to become recognizable, you realize the expression it has is one on the verge of uttering something, but not sure whether to follow through. you find yourself desiring to know what they have on their mind.
it’s okay, subspace. you can tell me.
“medkit.”
your amplified heart skips a beat. they’ve never called you by your actual name before. they’ve always used that silly nickname ever since you were lab partners. they’ve always used it because they knew you hated it. what could warrant a moment of sincerity like this? you’re almost scared to find out, but you steel your nerves and push through.
“y…yes?”
“i…think i know what it is i’m feeling.”
“what is it?”
“love.”
another beat skips. this cannot be real. surely not. surely you just imagined them saying that. surely they said something else. surely this is all a dream. surely you wake up soon. surely--
“i…love you.”
you suddenly feel their clawed fingers fumbling with your hand before finding the gaps between your fingers, grasping softly but with enough firmness to keep themselves tethered to you. you realize you aren’t dreaming. you realize that really is what they said. you realize you can feel their raspy breath drawing closer to your face. it frightens you. you’ve never been this close, this intimate with anyone before. you always remained at a distance from everyone else so you didn’t hurt them–-and yourself. this…doesn’t feel like pain, being so close to them. this feels soothing, a warm blanket on a chilly winter’s eve. you latch your fingers onto their hand. you’re ready.
“i love you, too.”
you taste their tongue gently slip into your mouth. they’re sweeter than the strawberries you’ve grown to be fond of, even after having death fester inside them for so long. their lips are soft and welcoming like open arms. it’s the most tender kiss you’ve ever exchanged with them. the kisses before this one were tense and combative: forceful grabbing of the other, the occasional spilling of blood, tongues constantly pressing against each other as if it’s necessary that one of you comes out victorious in a sort of duel. there is no combat, no struggle with this kiss. there is only a dance. two souls forever connected, learning how to step in unison with each other. when they lean into the kiss, you don’t try to push back. you let them lean into it as much as they want.
you wish that this moment would never end.