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Kayn looked at Ezreal in their shared bedroom, the moonlight softly illuminating his features as he slept soundly on his pillow, not moving an inch, and only the little sighs and tiny movements of his chest revealing his breathing. His green locks were scattered around the pillow, a little bite mark on his shoulder, and a hickey on his neck showing the witness of their activities some hours ago. He looked so perfect and soft just like that, enjoying his sleep, knowing nothing would hurt him if he was with Kayn. Everything went silent, Kayn placed a hand in his hair, caressing it and brushing it away from his face, oh, he wished he could live in that moment forever, waking up every day with Ezreal's voice telling him that he loved him or going to sleep with the little man cuddled in his chest, snuggling his way after a good sex session. Since Kayn found him, everything went perfectly, his music flowed freely with his emotions, and he couldn't ask for more in this life... Except for something… Or someone.
They already had their pets, he knew the sassy tuxedo cat was sleeping on the couch as he owned it, and the happy Samoyed dog was curled in a white fluffy ball on his bed, tired after a long day protecting Ezreal on the streets from the strangers. But what about a little pair of feet running around their house? A tiny little person that looked just like his lover and woke them up in the mornings, someone to look after and protect with his life...
"Kayn?" He looked at Ezreal again, his boyfriend rubbing an eye softly as he looked at him
"Sorry, I woke you up, babe?" he shook his head a little, "You were doing that again."
He looked at him better, noticing how his hands made their way without knowing it and were caressing Ezreal's tummy as he was waiting for something... "I'm sorry, I didn't notice."
He was feeling embarrassed and pathetic; it was weird. Ezreal talked about wanting to have kids in the past, it was his little forgotten dream since he found out his sexuality, but he shared it with Kayn at that moment to see what he thought. Kayn never thought about having kids, he didn't feel like a kids person, but the mental image of having a child with Ezreal wasn't that bad. He knew Ezreal was the love of his life, the one the universe chose to be his lover until he died, even if he didn't vow it on an altar. And that's how he developed that unconscious habit.
Now and then, after making love or in any other situation where he could hug Ezreal from behind, his hands went immediately to his stomach, the same way he would do if he was pregnant. Maybe it was impossible for them, Ezreal wasn’t a carrier, and even if they managed to have one with some procedure, it wouldn’t be the same, the little kid would only have the features of one of them, never both.
“You were thinking about that again?” Kayn looked away, not wanting to meet those soft golden eyes that asked so many questions, sleepy love staring back at him and making his cheeks blush. “Hey, you know you can talk to me about that.”
“It's nothing, just a stupid thought, go back to sleep prince.”
Ezreal yawned, sitting up and stretching like a kitty, arching his back a little before getting comfortable on his chest so he could look at him easily. A pretty smile adorned his face, Kayn never got used to how Ezreal looked at him like he hung up the sun in the sky like he was the oxygen he needed to breathe, just the same way Kayn looked at him.
“It can’t be nothing if it keeps you awake, love, c'mon, spit it out or I'll go to sleep with Mr. Moustache.”
Kayn sighed and closed his eyes, not wanting to talk about it, but he didn’t want Ezreal to leave in the middle of the night. He knew his lover enough to be sure he would keep them awake until dawn unless he gave him the answers he wanted.
“Yeah, it was that again… I really don’t know why I did it, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t bother you with this. His hands caressed his hip bones softly as he spoke, focusing his sight on Ezreal’s face, he didn’t look mad or even surprised, that wasn’t the first time they have this conversation. “Can we go to sleep now? It’s late…”
“Yeah, sure, I’m not buying it, Kayn” his boyfriend sat up again, getting out of bed and giving Kayn a good view of his naked silhouette in the moonlight while searching for his silk robe that was thrown away hours ago before they went to bed, tangled limbs and wet kisses full of desire between the sheets. “Get your ass out of bed, Shieda, or I’m not coming back.”
His soft giggle disappeared when he exited the room, leaving Kayn in silence for a few seconds before Rhaast reminded him to move, standing up and searching for his own robe before following Ezreal, finding him in the kitchen of their shared apartment putting some water to boil. They were drinking tea after some minutes of silence, just an introduction to the conversation they were about to have about something both of them knew wasn't possible.
“Y’know, the first time you did it, I thought you sensed I had a tummy ache or something, I even began to feel one sometimes.” Ezreal laughed a little, but didn't look at Kayn, eyes focused on his teacup.
“I said I'm sorry, I won't do it again-” “But you will”
Kayn fixed his eyes on his boyfriend, he had both hands on his cup, but he could see how his fingers were pressed over the hot surface, applying pressure, like he was mad or frustrated.
“You said you didn't like the idea and still…” his golden eyes started to water, his face going red. Kayn hated seeing Ezreal like that, especially if he was the one who made him cry.
“And I didn't like it… Before you.” Kayn searched for one of his hands, interlocking their fingers together and rubbing the side of his hand with his thumb, admiring how the ring on Ezreal's finger matched with his own. “You know I love you, more than anything, I got you that hell of a fluff dog you wanted and let him sleep with us for weeks, even if I died with pup hair in my lungs, you know I don't do that for anyone.”
Ezreal chuckled a little, which relieved the pain in his chest. Maybe he wasn't the most romantic man in the world, but if with his words he can transform his tears into laughs, maybe that'll be enough.
“And of course, you accepted me with… All the shit that comes with me” this time, Kayn looked away, ashamed, Ezreal was too much of a pure soul to still love him after everything, learning the truths about him that no one knew, to accept him with that fucking demon in his head and trusting him with his life even after he didn't want to live anymore.
’You don't need to stay, but let me come with you, I'll go wherever you go as long as we live’ were his words, and Kayn will never forgive himself for almost throwing everything away just because he was done with being alive. Maybe that was why Kayn loved him so much, because Ezreal was the one who went to the depths of hell just to pull him out of there and keep him on his feet.
He sensed Ezreal’s hand squeezing his own, finding his golden orbs already looking at him, waiting. “I guess I just want to give you anything you ever wanted,” he ran his free hand through his hair, letting out a sigh, he was truly pathetic at this point. “And I started overthinking it more and more and thought that, fuck, it wouldn't be that bad if it's with you”
A little spark shone in Ez's eyes, still wet from the tears he couldn't shed. “You thought of it?” he asked, with a tint of hope in his voice.
“You mean about having a kid with you? Hell knows I've done it” Kayn untangled their hands for a moment only to walk towards his lover, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his forehead on his shoulder, breathing deeply his scent, strawberry lotion that still lingered on his body. “And I know we can't, but fuck, I guess I hoped that maybe if I tried and wished or even prayed enough, I could give you what you want…”
Ezreal took his face in his hands, smiling softly at him, Kayn could feel his cheeks going red; that was embarrassing, a pout formed on his lips.
“You prayed? To who? You're an atheist.”
“And? Maybe that God that people believe in could lend me a hand, couldn't he? In return maybe I'll go to church one Sunday or something.”
Ezreal rolled his eyes at his words. “Kayn, you're not even baptized.”
Both of them laughed, a brief moment of peace. Kayn took his hand to his face, placing it on top of Ez’s and leaning into his palm, sighing softly with his eyes closed, just enjoying the touch.
“I… I know I'm not a good person… I thought that maybe this was my punishment… I did so many wrong things in my life, you're the only light in my world and still I can't give you something so stupidly simple… Fuck, I hate myself and feel so useless and pathetic and-” Ezreal shut him up, wrapping his hands around his neck, hugging him tightly that Kayn could feel his body trembling against his.
“Y-you’re not…”
Shit. He was crying for real this time.
“Don't s-say such mean things about you… I don't want a baby if it makes you f-feel like that,” Kayn ran his hands through his back, caressing softly as his body shook with some hiccups. “You are everything to me… I don't need more if I have you.”
That was enough. Kayn pushed him just a little, separating their bodies to pick Ezreal up by his thighs and carry him to their bedroom. Ez never reacted like that to their talks about his weird habit, but it was true that it was the first time it was that deep and personal. Now his little prince was crying, and it was his fault again.
Now on their bed, Ezreal snuggled against him, still hugging him but breathing more calmly than before. “You hate yourself because we c-can’t have kids?...”
“No, babe, I just… Thought of it so much that I now want to, with you, but hate the fact that we can't… God must be an asshole.” he sensed Ezreal’s body trembling again, thankfully this time for laughs.
“I started thinking you were sick.” “Why?” “Because you prayed to a god without insulting him… just because you want to make me happy…”
“Well, what can I say? I would do anything for you.” Kayn sighed, his eyes felt heavy and sleepy, maybe it wasn't a good idea having a whole conversation in the early morning after having a full session of sex hours ago, the sun wasn't even near to rising.
“Would you do anything? Like anything at all?” Kayn hummed softly, falling slowly into slumber with closed eyes but trying to hear Ezreal’s voice. “Would you adopt a kid with me?”
“Sure, give him both of you my surname, dunno, want my heart too?”
Ezreal giggled softly, wiping the tears from his eyes. It was obvious that his boyfriend was more sleepy than awake, but that didn't matter anymore. He needed to sleep too, in the morning, they'll have more time to talk things out now that everything is clearer.
He left a kiss on his lips before turning his back, making himself comfortable as the small spoon and searching for Kayn's arms to hug himself, securing his lover’s hands on his tummy before closing his eyes and starting to dream about the family that they could have.