Work Text:
enter NARRATOR downstage, center
NARRATOR
(decent western accent)
The year was 1869, the height of the American Wild West. Well known as a time of Cowboys, Outlaws, and Pioneers just lookin’ to make a livin’ out on the Frontier… And in the midst of it all, our quaint town of Billiards was lucky enough to be blessed with the best shot in the county.
enter DICK stage left
Big Richard Bullock. Born and raised in our small town, practicing his craft since he was just a boy. But things aren’t always as simple as they seem. One day, a tumbleweed brought in a new fellow. A mysterious man from further north. The dirt on his boots and tan across his neck spoke to the distance he travelled before settling on our little town. His name?
enter EARL stage right
Earl Hancock.
NARRATOR stage right
EARL upstage
DICK upstage
EARL
(shitty western accent)
So, you’re the ‘Big Dick’ I’ve heard oh so much about. Word is you’re the best shot this side o’ the Mississippi. Well, I ain’t too shabby myself, and I’ve come to claim that title from you.
DICK
(also shitty western accent)
And who the hell do you think you are?
EARL
Hancock. Earl Hancock… This town ain’t big enough for the two of us, Dick.
DICK
That so, Hancock? Then how about we settle this the old fashioned way.
EARL
Then I’ll see you at high noon.
EARL downstage
DICK downstage
NARRATOR upstage, center
while NARRATOR talks, EARL & DICK move table upstage, behind NARRATOR
NARRATOR
Who could’ve known, on this hot November day - a day like any other - the very foundation of our town would be turnt upside down. The stakes may not have seemed high at first glance, but a closer look revealed the truth. Dick was a real pillar of our community. If he was run out of town, we wouldn’t know what to do.
NARRATOR downstage, stage left
EARL upstage
DICK upstage
DICK
S’pose you should get the first shot, huh? Only fair seein’ as I have home advantage.
EARL
Someone’s feeling a tad cocky, let’s see where that confidence goes when I take my shot.
EARL dramatically lines up, swaying hips and pausing for longer than needed. He hits.
EARL
Guess I’m stripes.
DICK
Seems like it.
EARL lines up for another shot, about to shoot when DICK coughs aggressively, causing him to miss.
DICK
Sorry, sorry. Frog in my throat. Looks like it’s my turn.
DICK lines up, more swagger than usual in his stance, EARL glaring.
Oh, looky there, two in one.
DICK lines up, but then dramatically misses.
Damn. At least I’m still up, right Hancock?
EARL glares, also dramatically. EARL goes to line up as well, DICK behind him. EARL accidentally hits DICK in the crotch with the cue stick. DICK reacts.
EARL
(smuggly laughing)
Oh, looky there… two in one.
DICK
(slowly recovering)
Oh you shut your…
(visibly searching for a word)
…Piehole.
EARL continues his shot while DICK speaks. Then, DICK goes to take his turn.
NARRATOR, visibly tense, upstage center.
NARRATOR
The battle was tense, both men clearly skilled at their craft. It was impossible to tell who was going to win. Anytime one man got ahead, the other quickly caught back up.
while NARRATOR speaks, EARL and DICK continue taking turns, ending with DICK’s turn.
Both had their pride at stake, and neither was willing to lose it over this match.
NARRATOR downstage, stage right
EARL
(walks around table, debating silently before settling on a position)
Hah, there we are. Perfect.
EARL shoots, DICK laughs abruptly, making EARL confused.
DICK
(smug)
You do know you’re s‘posed to save the 8 ball for last, don’t ya?
EARL
(confused, his shitty western accent gets dropped)
…What? What are you talking about?
DICK
You lost the game, Hancock. If you sink the 8 ball before the end, you lose.
EARL
There’s not even any balls on the table, dude.
DICK
(sighing dramatically, his shitty western accent gets dropped as well)
It’s called the ‘theater of the mind’, man. Obviously there’s no real balls.
EARL
‘Theater of the mind’ my ass. You know, you should really be taking this kinda thing seriously.
DICK
(sarcastic and dramatic)
Oh yeah, because you’re taking this show sooo seriously. You literally hit me with your cue stick.
EARL
And I’ll do it again!
DICK
(shitty accent returns)
That sounds like a challenge.
DICK raises cue stick, challengingly, EARL following.
EARL
(shitty accent also returns)
I s’pose it is.
EARL and DICK sword fight around the table, adlibbing and improv-ing before EARL climbs onto the table.
NARRATOR visibly tense again, upstage center.
NARRATOR
(breaking character - unserious)
Oh my god, are you guys fucking kidding me?
(turns back to audience)
Tech week starts in 4 days and we open the show the week after that. Do you two even have your lines memorized, or are you both just going to keep improv-ing everything?
(checks watch on wrist)
We’re out of time, just… go put your props back on the table and make sure you actually go over your lines tonight.
EARL and DICK exits stage left
NARRATOR mutters, annoyed, exits stage left shortly after