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“So why are you here?”
Logan wasn’t often a man given to nerves but the look from the woman across from him would have intimidated anyone. Probably. Dr. Caldwell seemed nice enough, with her big brown eyes and friendly smile, but she didn’t fool him. He could smell the sharp tang of fear and curiosity hidden under her offensive rose perfume. She recognized him. Had she known his name immediately when he called her? Or had she only known who he was once she’d seen his face and realized that he was the animal that she had seen on the news.
The bright office lights were stabbing into his eyes and he could smell something artificially floral and citrusy. Candle? Air freshener? The swirling combination of strong scents was making him nauseous. The couch he was sitting on was uncomfortable and scratchy under his sweaty hands, and he could hear the frame of it creaking underneath him as he shifted nervously and thought about how to respond.
Logan didn’t really know how to answer that question.
Why was he here? He scheduled an appointment. He’s a fucked up disaster of a man that ruins anything and anyone that gets near him. Laura was mad at him.
Logan settled on avoiding his problems like usual. What else was there to do?
“Therapy,” He grumbled, looking at his lap to hide from her searching gaze.
Dr. Caldwell raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything. How such a kind-looking woman could be so terrifying was lost on him. She reminded him of Kitty.
Logan sighed, “My um,” he tried to think of the right word that would encapsulate the complexity of what she was to him, "...daughter decided to go… whassit called? No-contact. She ain’t talkin’ to me anymore,” He furrowed his eyebrows and sighed heavily. The shame of that admission weighed down on his shoulders and made it hard to breathe. He forced himself to look her in the eye, to appear more confident than he felt.
She met his gaze steadily exuding a calm and collected persona as she crossed her legs, “And how does that make you feel, Logan?”
How does that make him feel? The fuck kind of question was that? “What do you think? Bad. It makes me feel bad,” he snapped through gritted teeth. He had to force himself to keep his eyes up to hold her intimidating gaze. He wasn’t going to let this stranger one-up him.
Dr. Caldwell nodded encouragingly, “I’m sure it does. Do you know why she did it? It’s certainly a big choice, probably not made lightly,” She had a soothing voice that contrasted with her severe expression. Logan felt his defenses going down, against his better judgement. He let his gaze fall back to his lap. Childishly considering the action a submission.
He tried to steel himself, but his voice betrayed him and cracked feebly, “Me an’ Laura, my daughter,” as the word came out of his mouth a second time, he realized how rarely he called her that, “we got into a fight.”
An oversimplification at best.
“Is this typical of your relationship with your daughter, Logan?” Dr Caldwell asks in her infuriatingly warm voice, an understanding expression on her face. Her easy posture made him grit his teeth.
Huffing out a sardonic laugh, Logan nodded, “typical of my relationship with all my kids.”
—-
“Did you even read my texts Logan?” Laura huffed and tossed her dark hair out of her face with a quick jerk of her head. She was intimidating in her Wolverine uniform, cowl casually hanging off her shoulders, revealing the furious expression on her face.
Talking to Laura was always jarring. The act of staring into his own face made Logan unsteady and prone to drifting thoughts, eager to distract himself from the discomfort of the moment. His own face except with long hair and no scruffy sideburns. His own face that was free from the shadow of the horrors that he had gone through but darkened by the memory of torment that he couldn’t begin to imagine. His own face smoothed of wrinkles and smudged with cheap drugstore eyeliner. His own face that was currently chewing him out for not checking his phone.
And anyway, it was easier to focus on the soft sounds of fellow X-men getting ready around them and the first notes of spring in the air than having to face all his failures as a “father”. More like a man who was unknowingly cloned and expected to fall effortlessly into the role of a parental figure.
Struggling to stay focused on Laura’s words and be present in the conversation he asked, “Errr… which text?” Logan wasn’t even sure where his phone was right now. He’d lost track of it somewhere between tearing apart a sentinel and meeting Kurt for drinks. He really had to stop losing that thing, he had lost three phones in as many months. Well, four.
Laura’s eyes narrowed as she crossed her arms and moved into a more defensive stance. Clearly reading herself for a fight. She could see her father’s drifting thoughts in his unfocused eyes and was once again shocked at her ability to be surprised at his immature behavior.
“The text where I told you that you didn't need to show up today. Or maybe the one where I told you that this is Gabby’s first official mission with the X-men and I don't want you here to mess it up or pull the spotlight from her moment?” Laura said in her usual way.
The monotonous delivery somehow did nothing to quell the sting of her words. Her voice was level but the dangerous glint in her eye told him how pissed she was.
He felt ashamed, and his cheeks warmed as he broke their eye contact and looked at his shoes. He responded to her challenge in the only way he knew how, raising his shoulders and growling quietly. His anger was rising but he felt no need to stem it. How could she not want him here? Wasn’t she always talking about the ways that he failed her and Akihiro by being absent? Laura always made him the bad guy. No matter what he did, or how hard he tried.
“I-” his response was cut off by Gabby’s sudden arrival.
“Hey are you guys talking about me? My ears were burning,” she giggled nervously, she had obviously been eavesdropping but was unsuccessfully pretending she hadn’t been. Logan’s shoulders dropped as he looked at her, he didn’t want her to see him like that. She grinned as she failed to tuck her short hair behind her ear.
Wait. Short hair? Logan looked quickly between Gabby and Laura. Gabby’s hair was apparently now cut just beneath her chin, rustling against her face as she bounced on her toes excitedly. That wasn’t right. She was supposed to be identical to Laura besides the dark scars on her face and the few inches her sister still had on her.
“I didn’t know you were gonna be here today Logan. It’s good to see you!” Gabby greeted him excitedly with a grin and a surprisingly strong punch to the arm.
She looked like a real superhero in her Honey Badger suit and brand new X-men belt buckle. She was growing up fast. Logan barely managed to mumble out a greeting, caught off-balance as he was by her change in appearance.
Laura clearly wanted to continue her argument with Logan away from the prying eyes of her little sister and turned to Gabby, “Hey Gabs, I think Cyclops needs some help getting the Blackbird ready.”
As Gabby skipped away, excitedly yelling at Scott about the snack supply for the mission, Laura focused her attention back on her father, face hardened and shoulders raised. She looked at him expectantly and waited for him to continue the conversation.
Giving him another chance that he didn’t deserve.
“When did Gabby get a haircut?” Logan blurted out without thinking. He had yet again successfully distracted himself from an uncomfortable conversation by latching on to a minute detail. He hoped that switching the topic would distract Laura from her anger. And maybe salvage the day.
It did not. Laura’s face went blank as anger washed over her and her hands dropped to her sides, clenched into fists so tight her nails were digging into the soft flesh of her palms.
“Two months ago,” she growled, looking every part the predator. Her dark eyes flashed with indignation at the crudeness of her father. Her voice was still low but their argument was starting to attract unwanted attention around the hangar.
Logan was confused. Based on her reaction, he had said something wrong, but he didn’t know what. He always said something wrong didn’t he?
“Oh. I guess I didn't notice.”
Based on Laura’s reaction that was also the wrong thing to say. Her eyes were completely black and her expression was cold. She hunched her shoulders in and curled her upper lip back, baring her teeth slightly. It made Logan nauseous to see how instinctively animalistic she was, and even more so to know that she got it from him.
“That is exactly your problem Logan. You never fucking notice. You know nothing about any of our lives,” Her claws were still down by her sides but they glinted in the light, wickedly sharp and ready to draw blood. Her hair fell in front of her face as she glared at him from under her eyebrows. She had never looked more like him.
Logan responded by mimicking her posture. He growled and hunched forward. When he looked into Laura’s eyes he saw the worst parts of himself. The feral murderous parts. The parts that killed without a second thought. The parts that had killed his son.
Logan was startled out of this uncanny observation when he felt a hand on his shoulder. The fact that someone was able to sneak up on him made Logan’s skin feel numb. Sniffing the air he realized it was Remy, he was saying something that Logan couldn’t focus on.
He jerked his shoulder, shaking off the hand, his growling growing louder. All he could see was his own eyes in his daughter's face.
“How can I know anything about your life if you don’t let me in it? You kids never appreciate anything I do for you, how hard I try,” Logan spat at the girl standing across from him as he took another step towards her.
All the anger seemed to fall from her body when he said that. She resheathed her claws and stood up straighter though her shoulders were still tense.
“I want you out of our lives Logan. Don’t contact me or Gabby anymore. She does not deserve to be treated the way you treated me and Akihiro,” as Laura was talking her voice started to lower until it was barely above a whisper and she looked more hurt than she did mad, “I need to protect her, Logan. I need to protect myself.”
Laura resentfully met her father’s gaze and blinked to will away the tears pooling in her eyes. She fiercely held her ground and as Logan listened to the steady beating of her heart, he realized that she was being honest. A chill ran through him as the words sunk in.
“Logan, why don’ you take a walk before you say something you gon’ regret?” Logan could hear Remy’s voice behind him. Though it was phrased as a question he wasn’t asking, his grip on Logan’s shoulder tightened and he could see that Remy was ready to throw him out on his ass.
“It’s fine, Remy. We're done here.” Laura’s voice was still infuriatingly level and she threw one last stony glare over her shoulder before turning away and walking over to Gabby.
Logan felt off balance, left standing alone with Gambit in the middle of the hangar, watching the anger melt away from Laura as she laughed and shook her head at something Gabby said. He swayed on his feet slightly, unmoored.
He heard his own voice distantly, unaware that he was even talking, “I- I don’t-”
“Save it mon Ami,” Gambit cut him off, leveling him an unimpressed glare, “You know dis been a long time comin.” Remy looked him up and down sadly but patted his back in a familiar way. “Get outta here, man.”
Feeling adrift, Logan walked out of the huge hangar. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Gambit ruffle Gabby’s hair in response to an enthusiastically shouted greeting. He felt dozens of eyes boring into his back as he left, shame burning in the back of his throat. His hands clenched and unclenched over and over. His claws itching for a fight.
He heard familiar footsteps following his own on the asphalt behind him, “Hey, Logan. If you-”
“Fuck off, slim.” He threw the words over his shoulder as he revved his bike and sped out of the mostly empty parking lot.
The cold wind bit at Logan’s cheeks as he flew down the interstate. But he didn’t feel the sting. All he could focus on was the steadily growing pit in his stomach.
Eventually, he had to pull over when the tears pooling in his eyes were blurring his vision. From the cold, of course. Never mind that his eyes never watered when he rode his motorcycle. It was the wind. Nothing else.
As he hastily scrubbed his face, Logan took in his surroundings. There were tall densely packed pine trees flanking the empty expanse of highway and the sun was setting. How long had he been driving?
Logan pulled his phone out of the inner breast pocket of his jacket and dialed a familiar number without thinking about it. Huh. Guess he did know where his phone was afterall. He determinedly ignored the unread messages from Laura as he waited. He kicked his feet in the dirt as the line rang. She picked up after three rings.
“Wolvie! What’s up?” He could hear some cartoon in the background, low under the sound of her familiar light voice.
“Hey Jubes.” He was embarrassed that his voice cracked over his words. His throat felt rough and his eyes burned. Had he been crying?
Suddenly the other line went quiet. The cartoon turned off. The only sounds remaining were the unintelligible babbling of a toddler and Jubilee’s steady breathing.
“Logan? Are you okay?” She sounded concerned. She had always been so goddamn insightful.
“Laura-,” his voice cracked again and he took a deep breath before continuing, “Laura wants me to stay away from her and Gabby.”
He heard a long sigh. “Oh. That.” She didn’t sound surprised. Much to Logan’s chagrin she sounded like she had been expecting this.
He was stunned silent for a moment before asking accusingly, “Did you know?”
Jubilee’s voice sounded resigned when she continued, “I mean, yeah but-”
He interrupted her, “Why didn’t you tell me before I made an idiot of myself in front of the entire goddamn team?” His voice was louder and more angry than he wanted it to be but he couldn’t bring himself to calm down. He was humiliated. How long had they been talking about him behind his back?
He heard her scoff before she said, “C’mon Logan, it was none of your business. And god knows that you don’t need to hear the intimate details of every private conversation I’ve had with Laura.”
That caught him up short. What kind of conversations were they having? You know what, no, he didn’t want to know. He shook himself out of his confusion.
“I just don’t understand.” he was definitely pouting but he didn’t care, no one was there to see him.
She laughed, “Logan.”
He was getting angrier with every word that she said, “You know how hard I try with you kids.”
“Logan,” Her voice was flat and it was clear that she was losing her patience.
He huffed angrily, “What Jubilee? You have something to say to me, just say it.” He was getting close to losing his temper, no matter how much he hated doing that to her.
Jubilee’s voice was far away from the phone when she spoke next, probably to someone else in the room with her. It was hard to discern what she was saying but it sounded like, “-ean? Can you take Shogo for a little while? Thanks, I owe you.”
It was a couple of seconds before she spoke again, filled with the quiet sounds of rustling, her voice was close to the microphone again, “You know that you were a shithead to her, Logan.”
“Hey-”
“No, don’t deny it. You know you were. I mean, when she had just escaped from being a child prostitute and was extremely suicidal, you were running around Europe with me.” Her tone left little room for argument. He tried anyway.
“You were a vampire,” The defense sounded weak even to his own ears, and his voice was small and pathetic, “You needed help.”
“And I’m grateful you were there for me. But she needed you, and you weren’t there for her,” Logan sighed ashamedly as she continued, “And don’t make me bring up Akihiro. I feel bad bringing him up like this, but you really fucked up there and you know it.”
Logan’s stomach dropped the same way it always did when his son was mentioned. He slowly sat on the ground and rested his forehead against his bent knees.
“I tried. I really did,” His voice was starting to waver again and he hated it. It made him feel weak.
Jubilee sighed again, “You were a great mentor to me and Kitty and Hisako and who knows how many other x-men but you were seriously lacking when it came to your actual kids. That kind of thing has consequences, man.”
Logan didn’t know what to say to that. She was right, and he knew it.
Logan huffed out a sad laugh, “when’d you get so wise?”
Jubilee laughed too, “I’ve always been this wise, old man,” She paused before continuing, “You know I love you. But I also really care about Laura.” She paused again, trying to think of the least harsh way to phrase what she had to say next, “I’m taking her side on this Logan. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop talking to you, but you’re not gonna get to her through me. Gotta look out for my girl, you know?”
Logan nodded silently before realizing that she couldn’t see him. He didn’t know what to say anyway.
Wait. Her girl? He didn’t know they were that close. They must be really good friends. Great, yet another thing he didn’t know about Laura.
His voice was gravely when he spoke again, “Yeah, okay,” He sighed, “Take care of her for me Jubes.”
He could hear a slight smile in her voice, “Yeah of course I will, I always do,” she thought for a second before continuing, “Y’know maybe this is a good thing.”
Logan blinked at the pure insanity of what she just said, “And how exactly is Laura refusing to talk to me a good thing?”
Jubilee’s voice was infuriatingly optimistic, “Maybe this is a sign. Make a change for the better and all that,” Logan rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to refute her but she talked over him, “Don’t come at me with that old dogs can’t learn new tricks bullshit. It’s never too late to make a difference in your life.”
He sighed, “Maybe you’re right.”
“I always am,” She said brightly. There was more unintelligible talking and rustling from the other line, “Oh shoot. I gotta go, it’s Shogo’s nap time. I love you, old man. It’s gonna be okay.”
She hung up before he could respond and left him alone on the side of the road. Cold and in the dark. He dropped his phone on the ground next to him and rubbed his face and ran his hands through his hair.
Fuck.
Just as he was considering getting up off his ass and driving home his phone buzzed. He quickly picked it up, hoping it was Laura taking back what she said, he saw that Jubilee had texted him. His shoulders slumped slightly but he opened the messages anyway.
Heres the # of a therapist Emma recommended 2 me.
Apparently she specializes in supes
U should call her!
Lit only by the cool light of his phone, Logan sat in the dirt and felt sorry for himself.
—-
Logan paused after retelling what happened. What else was there to say? He anxiously picked at his cuticles and pointedly avoided Dr Cladwell’s prying gaze.
“Thank you for sharing that with me, I know how hard it can be to open up to someone new,” she shot him a sympathetic look and held out the box of tissues from the table next to her.
Logan was confused before he realized that he was tearing up, embarrassed he grunted non-commitally and gestured with his hand that he didn’t need them. He angrily blinked the tears away, ashamed that he was breaking like this in front of her.
Dr Caldwell cocked her head curiously at him before putting the box back in its usual place, “It’s okay to cry. Especially after emotional conversations like this one. Don’t be embarrassed,” Logan scoffed at her, “Seriously. I’m a therapist, I’ve seen it all. I hope in time you can trust me with being vulnerable.”
Logan was still avoiding eye contact and not answering her, Dr Caldwell sighed and scribbled something down in the notebook she held in her lap.
Looking up, she took a moment to really look at him. To take in his hunched posture, his clenched hands, his furrowed brow and darting eyes. He shifted uncomfortably on the couch.
“You gave me a lot of helpful insight into your relationship with your daughter, but why are you here Logan?” She was still giving him that intense look, and he felt like if he lied to this woman, she would know.
He huffed angrily at her question, “I just told you. I had a fight with my d-” He cut himself off wincing internally, he didn’t know if he could handle calling her that again, “-with Laura. Are you even listenin’ to me?”
The doctor noticed his moment of hesitation around the word and quickly jotted something down in her notebook. She then looked at him calmly, patiently, which just made him angrier, his knee bouncing erratically.
She nodded slightly before responding, “I was listening, Logan, and I’m sure that your fight with Laura was a factor in deciding to call me. But she hardly forced you to come.” He rolled his eyes at her words, “You picked up the phone and decided to call me of your own accord.” She tilted her head and smiled, “Why are you here? What are you hoping to accomplish here, Logan?”
Logan took a deep breath and tried to steady himself.
“I want-," His voice cracked, and he closed his eyes, focusing on staying calm, “I want to do better. Be better for my kids. It might be too late to salvage things with Akihiro but I still want to try.”
He looked up and into Dr Caldwell’s eyes, speaking as earnestly as he could, despite the alarms going off in his brain telling him it wasn’t safe
“I lo-,” His throat tightened and his vision blurred again, he cleared his throat and tried again, “I care about my kids. I want to do right by them.”
Dr Caldwell gave him a small smile and nodded, “That’s a great goal, Logan.”
Logan let a breath out and for the first time in a while he felt like things might be okay.