Work Text:
Nov 02, 1998
Dear Silence Suzuka,
It seemed like it was pretty exhausting for you to talk today, so... I thought I'd try writing you a letter! This way you can take as much time and as many rests as you need to read it.
Plus, it can double as a get-well-soon card! I got everyone to sign the back before I started writing this. We're all thinking of you! I know we'll see you again in person in a few days too, but that feels so far away! I can't wait for you to recover and come home. It was so strange to see your bed empty last night!
Hope you're feeling better after some rest!
Special Week
P.S. Of course, let me know if letters are more trouble than they're worth! Whatever's easiest for you is what I want to do.
Nov 03, 1998
Dear Spe-chan,
What a lovely idea! There's something so nostalgic about a real letter. And I can take my time to compose my thoughts and respond, too, so, yes: this is lovely. You're always so considerate!
It is tough being stuck in this bed. I spent so much of yesterday after you left just gazing out at the sky. I hope your training is going well! Tell me all about it; let me imagine how it feels to be out on that track.
Heh, I suppose that I sound rather melodramatic. Dr. Mizuki was hopeful that if I can regain some strength in the next few days that I'll be able to undergo surgery for the leg. He said that even if the surgery is successful, I won't be able to go at full speed again safely, but that it's not out of the question that I'll be able to run again, so... to be honest, it's a little hard to hear that, but it is better than the alternative.
You'll just have to run even faster to make up for me!
Please tell everybody thank you for the messages for me. I hope I'm home soon too! I don't feel much better today, honestly, but the nurses said it can take some time.
Affectionately,
Silence Suzuka
Nov 04, 1998
Dear Suzuka,
I know you’re tough as nails! Keep resting up and taking your medicine and I'm sure you'll be ready for that surgery in no time!
Training is... Well, to be honest myself, it's been difficult these past few days. I think we're all a little scared? The way you slowed and collapsed... I know I'm a little scared to run, after that. I know getting hurt like that is so unlikely! But... it was hard to watch. I can still see you falling in my head sometimes.
It's strange how much easier it is to write my feelings down here than to say them out loud. When our trainer asked how I was doing, I just said I was fine. But I'm not fine. I'm worried about you, and scared for you! But... just admitting that makes me feel better, and if you're being strong recovering for surgery, I need to be strong too.
Besides, if you're really not going to be able to run anymore, I definitely need to get back to training so I can run for you! I'm not "making up" for you, though. You're one-of-a-kind, Suzuka; I hope you know that.
Longingly,
Special Week
P.S. We're bringing your favorite recovery smoothie tomorrow! Make sure you’re awake and ready for it!
Nov 06, 1998
My sweet supportive Spe-chan,
The visit was wonderful! The smoothie you brought really was delicious. It was so good to laugh and smile with you all!
But... I'm afraid this letter is mostly of a serious tone. I couldn't find the words to tell everyone in person, but... I don't seem to be recovering strength. On the contrary, I'm able to stay awake less and less time every day, and they've had to increase my painkiller dose. The doctor said he’s worried about an infection. So we're going to press forward with the surgery, even though I wouldn't normally be strong enough for it yet.
If you want to be there after the surgery, I'd like you to be there, if you can. I need someone to hold my hand and help me be brave.
Please?
I'm scared.
Love,
Silence Suzuka
Nov 07, 1998
My sweet strong Suzuka!
Of course I want to be there for you! I'll call the hospital and make sure everything is arranged. I have the Kikuka Sho tomorrow (wish me luck!), but I'll come over right after and bring a cot! It'll be just like back at the dorms. I don't have another race until the end of the month, so it's no problem at all to take a few days off after this race anyways to help you recover. It will be nice to have you around at night again. It’s been very lonely in our room without you.
You're the bravest person I've ever known, Suzuka. I'm scared too, but together, hand in hand, we can get through anything.
See you soon!
Love,
Special Week
The day after the surgery, I'm curled up on the side of her bed. She's not sleeping well; the doctor sounded worried. Something about a blood infection, but... they gave her antibiotics!
"Special... Week."
I lean down to hear Suzuka's raspy voice. "I'm here."
She labors. "I... wrote you... another letter. In that drawer."
I brush her bangs out of her eyes. "Shh, shh, don't stress yourself. You need your rest. But thank you! I'll read it in the morning when it's light."
Silence Suzuka grabs my wrist, a sudden burst of energy startling me to full alertness. "Spe-chan. Thank you. For everything. I... love you. Find... happiness."
My heart catches in my throat. "A-ah! Suzuka! Isn't this a bit sudden?! I, I mean—" I swallow and gently take her hand in mine. "I wish the circumstances were happier, I always imagined I'd be telling you after a race that one of us… one that—"
Her eyes slide shut. Her breathing stills.
"Suzuka? That—I love you! Suzuka? Hey! No no no no no, where's, no!" I find the emergency call button and slam it, then run to the door and throw it open. "Nurse!" I wail down the hall.
Two come running down the hall and, gently pushing me aside, rush to Suzuka. One takes a pulse; the other thumbs walkie-talkie, speaking rapidly. "Code blue, code blue. Get a doctor in here now. Wait, not here. Meet us in the OR." He nods to the other nurse, who unlocks the wheels on Suzuka's bed and starts hurrying it out of the room.
He turns to me. "Hey. I know this is scary. You did exactly the right thing. Take a deep breath, okay? In. Hold it. Out. Okay. Dr. Mizuki is one of the best doctors in the country. We're gonna do everything we can. Can you stand and take my hand? Great, perfect. Another breath. In. Hold. Out. One more. Keep doing that. Let's go to the nurse's station, okay? Grab your stuff?"
Breathing (unlike her), I grab my bag. I blink back tears (her eyes are closed) as I open the drawer for the letter she wrote me (the last one). I can blurrily read my name on the envelope; her handwriting is (was) so beautiful. I turn to the nurse and nod.
We walk to the nurse's station. His hand on my arms helps both steady me and keep me from running (she loved to run) down the hallway to try to find the OR (where her body— no).
Distantly, as I start to sob, I hear his voice speaking to another nurse. "...in her arms, yeah. Thought we should get her out of the room... Counselor should be here in a few hours with day shift. Watch her until then?"
I feel a soft hand pull a hospital blanket around my shoulders.
And, for some of us, life goes on.
Nov 10, 1998
Dearest Special Week,
I hope you never have to read this letter, but. The doctors say my chances aren't good for the surgery tomorrow. I couldn't bear to tell in you in person and see the worry on your face. My beautiful smiling Spe-chan. It's selfish of me. I hope you can forgive me.
Until I met you, I'd never thought of a future beyond the next race. But now when I close my eyes and see that vista stretch out before me, you're by my side, hand in hand. I dared to imagine growing old together. A little house by the sea. Raising a new generation of runners, teaching them how to race and how to love.
Maybe I'll beat the odds, maybe you'll never have to read this letter, maybe I can chase that dream with you.
I hope I got to tell you I love you in person. Just in case: I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. If we'd only had more time together, I'd have told you every day.
If you'll allow me to make requests of you, don't let this stop you from running. I'll be riding on your shoulder, looking for the sparkling view only we can reach. Don't let this stop you from finding happiness either. I hope I told you that too. I know how much you've been shouldering my pain and how hard you've been trying and I'm so proud of you.
I'll be waiting for you on the other side. Please, please, take your time to get here. Run all the races I can't. Live and shine and sparkle.
Yours, forever and always,
Silence Suzuka
Aug 11, 1999
Dear Suzuka,
I still miss you every day. I talk to a grief counselor every week. Well, mostly I cry, but at least I see her every week. It doesn't hurt any less, but... it does get easier to move around the hurt.
I mentioned to her how much I loved writing you letters in the hospital, before. The idea that you could read them over and over like I did with yours. She suggested I write you a letter anyways, so... here I am.
I haven't stopped racing. I placed 3rd in the Japan Cup the month you left. Training that month was... hard. But I won the Hanshin Daishoten and the Spring Tenno Sho! I hope you enjoyed those views.
I couldn't catch Grass-chan at the Takarazuka Kinen, though. I've got a rematch against her at the next Arima and we're both training hard for it! We've actually been training together a lot; it's nice to have a regular partner.
It was really scary to run for a few weeks. It's still a little scary. Thank you for encouraging me, though—it really does help to be back out there on the turf imagining you running by my side.
I hope you heard me say I loved you. I still love you. I wish I'd told you sooner, instead of... waiting for the right moment. But there's never a perfect moment for anything, is there? After this, once I do that, then then then.
Keep waiting for me. Keep watching me run. Every win is for you.
Always yours,
Special Week
Oct 17, 1999
Dear Suzuka,
I've been telling myself I was fine, that I wasn't nervous. Of course I'm nervous. It's so much easier to admit it to you on the page then to say out loud.
In two weeks I'll be running in the Autumn Tenno Sho. Your last race. Trainer and I went to check out the racecourse in Kyoto today; there's a memorial banner for you hung by the entrance.
I've been training so hard. And resting enough, too, I know you'd fret over me otherwise. I want to win this race more than anything. I want to let you see the view from the front you should have been able to savor all this time.
I know we can do it. Here goes nothing!
Your legs, your love,
Special Week
Nov 04, 1999
Suzuka!
We did it! Goddesses, we did it. I've only cried harder than that once in my life before. I swear I felt you running beside me, pushing me forward. To a record! I wish I could write your name besides it in the books. You deserve it, but... I'm just so, so glad.
If I never win another race, I could still retire happy now. I'm not going to retire just yet, don't worry! We've got at least two more races this year. Two more chances to carry you along in my heart to the front. But this Tenno Sho is really something special.
I miss you a lot. Grass and I have been talking about what we want to do after retiring from the Twinkle Series. I think I'm going to look for that house by the sea you dreamed of, maybe work at one of the regional training centers. I want to keep carrying your dreams. I hope that doesn't make you feel like a burden—on the contrary, you're the wind that pushes me forward and keeps me going.
Love, love, love,
Special Week
Nov 11, 2000
My Sweet Suzuka,
I can't believe it's only been two years since you passed away. So much has happened! I won the Japan Cup after our Tenno Sho victory but Grass snuck ahead of me again at the Arima. The snow that day was so beautiful; I know you would have loved it.
I retired from the Twinkle Series after that race; I'm past my peak. That was hard to accept for a little while, but... I'm grateful every day that I'm still here to run at all. Grass and I did buy a house by the sea... together! I hope you're happy to hear that. It doesn't mean I love you any less, of course. There's room in my heart for both of you!
Thank you for everything, my love. For the time we had together, for your love, for waiting for me.
Until we meet again,
Forever your love,
Special Week
