Work Text:
“Hey, Short King! I wanna know something. All that crap about you being a big-ass fuckin’ snake in Eden - is that true?” Angel tried to lean in conspiratorially, but lost his balance, toppling off of his barstool and right into the King’s lap. “Oops - sorry!”
Lucifer waved off the spider’s drunken apologies. “No problem. Happens all the time when you’re Temptation.” As he wrangled Angel back up into a relatively vertical position on his stool, he continued, “As for Eden, yeah. I was a snake when I gave Eve the apple. Remember that scene in ‘Good Omens?’ Like that, only less shitty-looking. Fuck that show.”
“That’s fuckin’ awesome, Daddy Diablo. Were you a big snake, like Pentious-sized, or bigger? I’m a size queen. I gotta know these things.”
“Bigger - more like an anaconda.”
“An anaconda? So you don’t want none unless she’s got buns, hon?” Waving all four arms wildly for emphasis, Angel slid off his stool again, landing in an uncontrollably giggling heap on the floor.
Baffled, Lucifer slowly replied, “Um, sure, I guess. Anyway, I still have a lot of snake traits. I can smell with my tongue, I have retractable fangs in the roof of my mouth, as I’m venomous, and I can unhinge my jaw.”
“Bet Smiles loves that last one! He looks like he’s packing.”
As if summoned, Alastor coalesced from the shadows under the bar to loom over the porn star, growling, “Never speak of me like that again if you value your life!”
Unimpressed, Angel shot back, “I’ll bet it’s true, or you wouldn’t be so pissed. Never seen a guy who tried so hard to deny that he’s getting some stra- OOF!”
Alastor perched primly on Angel’s vacant stool, looking as innocent as a newborn fawn who had never kicked his housemate in the ribs. Raising his voice slightly to be heard over the spider’s theatrical moans of pain (he certainly hoped it was pain), he asked, “Don’t some snakes do that to eat eggs? I had a book about snakes when I was a boy, and I remember the pictures.”
“Oh, yes. They’re found in Africa. I can do that if need be. Charlie used to think it was funny when I’d eat a raw ostrich egg at formal banquets. Lily, not so much.”
Alastor hummed to himself for a moment, then asked, “Could you unhinge it far enough to swallow something larger than that?”
With a lascivious grin, the angel purred, “Got something in mind, Bambi?”
“Yes. Frank.”
“Frank? The Egg Boi?”
“The same!”
“Why the unholy Hell would I want to do that?”
Snickering, Alastor replied, “You’re just saying that because you can’t do it.”
“The fuck I can’t!”
“Oh, pish posh. You can’t.”
“All right, then!” Lucifer leapt off his stool, horns emerging and eyes bleeding red, and stormed off towards the kitchen, muttering about stupid sexy deer and their bullshit ideas. He returned not five minutes later, Frank in tow. “Frank, get up on the bar and I’ll show this prick what I can do!”
Obediently, Frank climbed up, chirping, “Okay, Boss!”
Stripping off his coat and rolling his sleeves up, Lucifer snapped, “Now, everyone gather around, as I’m only doing this once!”
“Well, no kidding. There’s only one of them left.”
“Shut the fuck up, Al. Now, I’ll just unhinge my jaw and start swallowing him headfirst. Watch me.” Lucifer dropped his lower jaw to a grotesque degree, until it touched his chest, and grabbed Frank. As he began shoving the Egg Boi’s upper end into his mouth, a banshee shriek shattered the quiet of the night.
“DAD! NO EATING THE GUESTS!”