Work Text:
Carlos Sainz gets full-blown baby fever after spending one afternoon with Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber’s adorable baby girl, Grace. He comes home starry-eyed, hormonal (in his mind), and ready for a baby. The only problem? His four himbo husbands...Max, Charles, Lando, and Oscar...are as observant as a bag of rocks.
……….
Carlos sees baby Grace, holds her once, and something in him breaks. He comes home whispering:
“She was so small. So cute. Smelled like powder and dreams.”
Max: “I like powder.”
Charles: “You can buy dream-scented candles.”
Lando: “Do you want…a pillow that smells like Grace?”
Oscar: “I could knit something.”
Carlos stares. The baby fever intensifies.
……………
Carlos starts:
Leaving books on baby names around.
Casually Googling “best baby monitors 2025” while screen-sharing.
Sighing loudly during Disney movies and clutching his stomach.
Max thinks Carlos has a stomach ache.
Charles gives him mint tea.
Lando orders lactose-free milk just in case.
Oscar offers yoga.
Carlos: “I am surrounded by morons.”
…………….
Carlos is trying. He’s really trying.
He’s baked. He’s decorated. He’s researched ovulation cycles like he’s prepping for a thesis. And still...still...he is being ignored.
Today, he’s pulled out the big guns.
The Bookshelf of Desperation
Carlos lines the living room bookshelf with subtle classics like:
- “100,000 Baby Names from Around the World”
- “Co-Sleeping for Poly Families”
- “The Bump and the F1 Calendar”
- “How to Tell Your Four Husbands You’re Ready to Be Knocked Up”
Charles walks past, eyes the books, hums.
“Aw, That’s such a good name for our next pet.”
Carlos stares at the ceiling.
Carlos (to himself):
“Why are French men so pretty and so dense?”
……
Seduction Mode: Activated
Carlos enters the kitchen wearing a crop top that reads “FERTILE AF.” It clings like it was painted on. His sweatpants are dangerously low. He’s not wearing underwear. He’s also “bent over” the counter at an angle OSHA would object to.
Max walks in, yawning.
Max:
“Carlos, your shirt looks tight. You sure it’s not cutting circulation?”
Carlos:
“Maximilian. Seriously?.”
Max (nodding thoughtfully):
“Yeah, definitely tight. I’ll order the next size up.”
Carlos slams his head into the marble.
….
Carlos stretches dramatically infront of Charles,
His back arches. He moans. Moans.
Like he's in a Calvin Klein ad directed by Lucifer himself.
Across the room:
Pierre:
“Mon Dieu...”
His smoothie hits the floor.
Yuki (screaming):
“He’s ascending! Cover your eyes, Isack!”
Daniel (dazed):
“It’s beautiful.”
Walks directly into the tire rack.
Ollie (shielding Kimi’s face):
“No, baby, look at the floor. Look at the floor.”
George (from across the garage, sipping tea):
“See, this is why I only talk to Toto and my cat.”
Charles:
Do you want a massage, love?
…
Carlos corners Oscar in the kitchen. He’s shirtless, glistening with suspiciously strategic oil, biting into a strawberry.
Carlos:
“Wouldn’t it be so sexy if you bred me against this kitchen counter, right now? Like, filled me up until I can’t walk?”
Oscar:
“Do you want to remodel the kitchen? I’ve been telling Lando that counter height’s too low.”
Carlos’s soul leaves his body.
....
George (hosting):
“Welcome to ‘Drivers Who Have Accidentally Witnessed Carlos Sainz’s Heat Phase.’ Let’s go around the circle.”
Pierre (shaken):
“I still see the crop top when I close my eyes.”
Yuki:
“I’ve forgotten my mother’s face.”
Daniel (dreamy):
“He was so shiny…”
…
Carlos escalates further:
- Leaves baby clothes on the bed.
- Sends Max an ultrasound meme with “soon?” in the caption.
- Calls himself “Mama Sainz” in the groupchat.
And still… nothing.
Until Charles finally goes:
“Wait, are you ovulating?”
Carlos: “I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU TO BREED ME FOR TWO WEEKS.”
Max: “I thought you had a cupcake kink.”
……
Meanwhile in Paddock Hell
The paddock is in full chaos.
Alex Albon is now carrying holy water.
Daniel Ricciardo is laughing but nervously.
Zhou has a “DO NOT LET CARLOS NEAR YOU” sticker.
Lance just mutters “not again” and walks away whenever Carlos appears.
Christian is chasing Toto, yelling “If Carlos gets a baby I WANT A BABY TOO.”
Toto: “Christian this is harassment...AND THAT’S NOT HOW BABIES WORK.”
……
Location: A meeting room in the Mercedes hospitality suite.
Attendees:
- Toto (regretting his entire career)
- Christian (carrying holy water and a baby rosary)
- Fred Vasseur (drinking)
- The rookies (huddled together like ducklings)
- George (appointed moderator against his will)
- Special guest: Sebastian Vettel (for spiritual guidance)
George (serious voice):
“We’re here today because we believe Carlos Sainz has been... possessed.”
Christian:
“By a fertility demon. A very horny one.”
Ollie (whispers):
“He looked at Toto and said ‘Are you next?’”
Toto (monotone):
“I have not known peace since Abu Dhabi 2021. But this is worse.”
……
Seb (gently):
“Carlos, darling, I support you. Just… maybe wait until someone notices your heat pheromones before you melt the paddock.”
Carlos (throws hands up):
“Thank you, Sebastian. At least one German understands me.”
…
Charles (blinking):
“Wait… Carlos wants to be pregnant?”
Carlos (deadpan):
“You’re the smartest Ferrari driver in years, babe.”
Oscar:
“But you were just being… weird.”
Carlos:
“I wore a shirt that said ‘fill me up like a tank on strategy day.’”
Max:
“I thought it was a fuel efficiency thing.”
….
Carlos finally explains it clearly. All four husbands nod. There’s a pause.
Max (already shirtless):
“To the bedroom?”
Carlos:
“Make me a father, Verstappen.”
Lando (dragging Carlos):
“No more hints. Next time just text ‘breed me now.’”
Meanwhile, the rookies:
Ollie (to Kimi):
“...Do you think we’ll ever understand adult love?”
Kimi (eating cupcake sperm):
“No. But it’s funny.”
Isack and Gabe:
"We are happy to have a baby sibling"
…
One Year Later
- Baby Alejandro Verstappen-Leclerc-Norris-Piastri-Sainz is born.
- Pierre is the honorary gay uncle.
- Toto refuses to talk about “The Incident.”
- Carlos is glowing, smug, and keeps calling himself “Mamá of the Year.”