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I saw your green hair, beauty mark next to your mouth
There on the subway, I nearly had a breakdown
A few weeks later, somebody wore your perfume
It almost killed me, I had to leave the room
The first few days were the hardest.
Jane was gone and August was to blame. She had thought - and secretly hoped - that their story was going to have a happy ending. That they could shock Jane into the present and then her and August could be real. They could exist out of the subway.
But no one was guaranteed a happy ending - Auggie had been proof of that - her mom had been proof of that - August just thought maybe she would be different.
The first time she attempted the subway she only made it one stop before she had to get off.
There were just too many people and none of them were Jane.
Of course she kept going back because this was New York City - one simply couldn’t avoid the subway forever. But someone in a leather jacket or with Jane’s general build always had to her hopping off the train at any random spot and calling an uber. It was stupid and wasteful, but it was what she had to do to make it through.
It′s just another day, and it's not over ′til it's over
It's never over
It′s just another day, and it′s not over 'til it′s over
It's never over
August wasn’t sure how to handle the situation, truly. She was grieving Jane as a person but also her first true relationship. It wasn’t traditional what they had or what they did, but it was theirs.
It was August’s job to help Jane - whatever that looked like - and she had accomplished that. But she didn’t want to let her go.
She couldn’t imagine looking at someone the way she looked at Jane - couldn’t imagine loving someone the way she loved Jane. And how the hell was she supposed to explain everything that had happened to someone that wasn’t with them to experience it all?
August knows that Jane said to mourn for an appropriate amount of time, but to also get out there and live her life in the way that Jane wasn’t able to. Nodding her agreement hadn’t meant her agreement, but she understood the motivation behind what Jane was saying.
If it turned out this way August had to accept that Jane wasn’t coming back and that was that. No matter how much she knew this was a possibility, that didn’t make it any easier
The final nail would have been looking for Jane in her time to see what she made of herself.
But that would mean this was over - they were never going to be really over.
′Til I don't look for you on the staircase
Or wish you thought that we were still soulmates
But I′m still countin' down all of the days
'Til you′re just another girl on the subway
Made you the villain, evil for just moving on
I see your shadow, I see it even with the lights off
I made a promise, if in four months this feeling ain′t gone
Well, fuck this city, I'm moving to Saskatchewan
Would she ever get used to it? Would she ever not see Jane in the people around her? Did it make her a coward if all she wanted to do was leave the city and not be haunted by the memories?
Maybe it would have been better if they were a normal relationship, if this had ended for reasons they could have prevented - like August’s pride or Jane’s stubbornness - that would at least lead to some reflection and some growth.
But August couldn’t fight time travel.
Would it have hurt more to get on the train and run into Jane with a new girlfriend? At least then August would know that Jane was happy and alive.
When the fuck was this feeling going to go away? Would it actually ever? Maybe she had to give herself a timeline.
If this loneliness - this heartbreak - wasn’t gone in four months then it was time to consider other options - other places.
It′s just another day, and it's not over ′til it's over
Oh, until it′s over
It's just another day, and it's not over ′til it′s over
It's never over
Month one was fucking terrible. Day after day of a miserable existence trying to not dwell on the fact that even though Jane and her were over - it wasn’t really over.
Month two was slightly better. Routines worked, especially for someone like August. Continuing to explore the city worked. New York wasn’t just the Q train - it was every other line too.
The touristy spots made her get a headache but they were a right of passage. The more local spots made her ache in the way that she knew Jane would love them - but she had to tell herself she had a whole life outside of the subway with Jane. She still texted pictures of her days to that stupid phone she had given Jane.
′Til I can break routine during foreplay
And trust myself that I won't say your name
But I′m still countin' down all of the days
′Til you're just another girl on the subway
When her friends broached the subject of possibly dating someone else to help her August thought she was going to throw up.
She knew the saying was to get over someone you got under someone else, but that’s not what she wanted in the slightest.
The love of August’s fucking life was now - hopefully - living her life to the fullest in the 70’s and Jane loved women so it was only logical to assume Jane would move on too.
Going to the lesbian bars in the city, she genuinely tried to be interested in someone else.
Ok, maybe she wasn’t really trying.
None of these people were Jane. None of them were ever going to be Jane.
Approaching three months without Jane had turned her heartbreak into a duller ache, but she still couldn’t help herself looking for Jane when she had to take the Q train.
She's got, she′s got a way
She′s got a way, she's got a way, hey, hey
And she got, she got away
She got away, she got away, hey, hey
And she′s got, she's got a way
She′s got a way, she's got a way, hey, hey
And she got, she got away
She got away, she got away, hey, hey
Helping Billy’s was the right thing to do. She couldn’t help the hurt she felt from the events of the last couple months but she could save the place that brought all her people together and gave her the opportunity to try and save Jane.
Jane would have supported August’s decision.
It felt like this was the final step in healing. Finishing something they had started together. Giving other people the opportunity to experience the general love and chaos that Billy’s was.
But it was going to be ok.
August was going to be ok.
Jane had gotten away from her, but the next person wouldn’t. August wasn’t scared to let people in now. She knew to hold onto her friends and her mom even more. Part of life was hurting, but she wouldn’t change anything about the way she and Jane were.
In every lifetime she would make the same decision to help Jane and in every lifetime she would fall in love with the incredible woman Jane was.
That was their fate even if Jane would eventually not be here.
(She′s got, she's got a way)
(She's got a way, she′s got a way)
(She got, she got a way)
(She got away, she got away, hey, hey)
She′s got, she's got a way
She′s got a way, she's got a way, hey, hey
And she got, she got away
She got away, she got away, hey, hey
“How-?”