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What does it meant to be a hero?
To be honest, I’m not really sure that I know yet. I’ve only been one for a short time.
Before being given the Dog Miraculous on a permanent basis I think it’s safe to say that I was anything but a hero. The words that applied to me were weak, willing, and eager. To go along with anything my so called “best friend” wanted.
Until one day she finally did something which crossed my black and white view of the world. She finally tumbled over into “bad” territory, a line that I refused to cross when I saw things for what they were.
When I saw Lila for what she was doing. When Chloe decided to chose her over me.
And then I ended up adrift.
But I didn’t sell my soul.
I don’t blame Chloe or Lila though. Why should I? They fit together really well, even if the friendship is going places that I might not understand. I can’t help things if they nearly pushed me to violate one of my “boundaries”, as my therapist calls them.
Maybe it’s better to be alone then to sacrifice a piece of who I am.
My Papa doesn’t fully know what happened yet. I know if he does, then he’ll get worried and then he’ll probably book more combined therapy sessions for us both and I do not want that. They can be a drag for how he constantly tries to find answers during them and I also don’t want him to believe that things didn’t work just because I’m fully “innocent”.
Because I am not “innocent”.
I took part in bullying with Chloe, I was her willing accomplice. I did horrible things to our classmates, and I do not expect them to forgive me.
Partially this came out of friendship, and also out of love for a girl who did not feel the same in return.
Processing feelings can be difficult for me. It has been for my whole life. I’ve been trying a new technique lately, where I focus and meditate in order to release out anything bad.
It’s supposed to help me "center", especially as I try and bond with my new role.
I don’t know what it means to be a hero.
Ladybug apparently does, as a few days after Hawkmoth’s defeat I found a box on my bed. It bothered me to think about how she knew where I lived, and just why she decided I should have the Dog Miraculous back after…
…after everything.
To my surprise, it wasn’t a trick. A Miraculous in the box, that became an elegant choker when putting it on around my neck. Subtlety different from the first time I wore the piece, which felt like months ago.
And Barkk.
Barkk is very skeptical of me. She talked about being bounced around two different holders, and how the “Guardian” didn’t fully understand about how her powers should be appreciated. I only knew of Barkk briefly from when I ended up with the Dog Miraculous during an event when Chloe fell to an akuma, and Ladybug asked me to join into her "team".
I remember that day well. A highlight of my life.
I didn't blame Barkk for not being sold on me yet. I’m not sold on being a hero either. The first few days we were together, Barkk ended up being content to watch videos on my phone while I did my homework. We barely said more than a few words to each other. I asked what she liked to eat and Barkk replied back that she preferred bacon, and I made a note to get her premium cuts if possible.
Not as a bribe. Only because I want Barkk to be comfortable for however long we may be together.
How long would we be together?
After all, I’m not a hero.
Then one day I ended up being a hero to one person.
A person who got their kite stuck in a tree. I ducked into an alleyway and transformed, using Fetch to get the kite back down out of the branches and into the hands of a grateful kid.
…Who probably wasn’t much younger than me…
Barkk said afterwards that it was a “small time” use of her powers, but was proud of me all the same.
“You don’t need to be involved in every big thing. Maybe an every day hero is what you should aim for. Little things.”
The idea appealed to me greatly.
I didn’t want to be the police. I didn’t want to take on Chrysalis. I really didn’t feel comfortable in a group.
If I am to be trusted again, and be a hero…and also win over Barkk…and keep Ladybug’s trust…
I sighed.
It’s too much.
And then I got yoinked into a Burrow.