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It was late. The sun hid beneath the crest—just shy of the rising moon. The golden light of dusk faded into silver slits, turning the air sharp.
The breeze traveled through the blooming tulips, brushing past the sensitive buds. I sat at the edge of the rooftop, elbows propped against my knees. It was cold.
The wind carried the promise of spring, but it still bit. It bit like the nail I had between my fingers. Why did I keep it? It all reminded me of her.
Maybe I shouldn't think of it. But then why would I bring this with me? Because I wanted to be alone. But is it what I really wanted?
I balanced the pin between my middle and index fingers. It shone under the moon’s calm gaze. Just like she did whenever we spoke of shopping. I never liked going shopping, it always tired me out.
It felt like wasting my time. But she made it worthwhile. Maybe I kept going because she did. I never wanted to be alone. I never asked to be left behind. Not by her, not by anyone. And still, I was.
And then I wonder if it was worth it. Were the lives saved worth hers? So why? Why wasn’t I there? By their side. Is that why I was left behind? I watched the stars dance above me.
The nail between my hands. Why did I keep it? It felt wrong to throw it away. It was all I had left.
A nail that held hands with me.
I turned the nail over and over. The metal was cold beneath my touch. I shouldn’t remember. Not when she lost so much.
No.
I was the one who lost it all. Is this growth?
All I’ve done is chase my own tail. My wits and ambitions were nothing but aspirations of my future. I shouldn’t have tried so hard. Not when this was my reality.
At least he is still left. The light who remained in the darkness I carved myself into.
Yuuji Itadori.
-
Is it worth it? To keep going, when you know you’ll be handed nothing in return. To run in circles for someone’s sake. For what? I used to hate both good and bad people. They disgusted me.
Shouldn’t I be disgusted with myself? I watched the horizon. The moon was high in the sky. And in the morning, the sun would shine ahead. Everything seemed to move on—but me.
The news had reached me this morning. Zen’in head. I should be proud. But it felt like being handed a crown I never wanted, for a world I wasn’t ready to lead. Why had Naobito chosen me?
Because of my cursed technique? Was I that unworthy? Then maybe they should have chosen Naoya. Or no one at all. Did it really matter? The world had lost so much protecting itself.
And even now, the world doesn’t need a saving until they have lived through ours. Why save those who don’t want to be saved?
I can foster all of my warmth into them, but in the end, it will leave us colder if they hang on to dead ends where they pick their ideals from.
It 's disgusting.
I wanted to refuse at first. I had nothing to do with the Zen'in anymore. I held no interest in them. So why would I accept it? Maki would do a better job than me.
So I stepped down and offered her my place. I was ready. But she refused. She told me she wasn’t good enough—not when she couldn’t make the clan a place where Mai belonged.
Think about it now, it made sense. She didn’t have a cursed technique. She was never accepted as a member. Let alone clan head. But I do have the clan’s inherited technique.
Is that how they measure worth? Again, it’s disgusting. People are disgusting. They make me want to vomit.
Why do I think Maki would be a better leader than me? It’s simple. She did what the rest of us couldn’t. She wiped them—cleaned our grounds. Maybe that’s what it means to be free.
To stop looking back. Maybe I envy her for that. Because I could have never done the same. I found my meaning walking on empty streets. I found my value by tearing myself open.
I didn’t find the light to embody. So I lived on through darkness. But maybe I just never had anyone worth giving up everything for.
And so here I am. I kept breathing for those who no longer could. Is this purpose? Purpose for what? To serve the Zen’in clan? To preserve their reputation? What a waste. I lived for who? I lived for what?
There are only so many more questions to the answers we’ve pursued, and so there is no need for chasing, when in the end, there’s no point. It 's negative. So why do I keep trying?
Why do I keep pushing? I don’t even know.
-
“Give it your all. It’s okay to be selfish.”
Gojo once told me. So maybe I should stop sacrificing myself for the sake of other people. I spent my entire life bringing wandering souls without foundation into a hopeful happy ending.
That’s what I believed, at least. But that was another ideal I picked from the trash.
Winning by dying and winning even if you die—those are two completely different things. After all, being a sorcerer means you die alone. So why not make it worth it?
Make it worth all of the deaths that I’ve caused. Or the deaths I could’ve stopped. Then maybe I won’t have to find my value by tearing myself open.
I don’t have to find my meaning by walking down those empty streets.
I can be selfish. I can be my own light to embody. I can be free.
-
The first lights of dawn crept upon the horizon, brushing pale against the stale concrete. The air still held its sharpness, but the breeze softened it with time.
The birds sang their morning melodies, and the sun shone brighter than before. When was the last time I felt this peaceful? The nail still rested between my fingers. It didn’t feel as cold as before.
Maybe I had walked in circles because I couldn’t see it. My wits and ambitions were nothing because they weren’t mine—but instead, of other people I sacrificed myself to. And never for me.
I was blinded. But in the end, all you have to do is recycle your ideals and go back when the moment is right, not when it feels right. The answer was just before me. Selfishness.
But if I can still decide if I want to sacrifice myself or not, I would. For Tsumiki. If being the head of the Zen’in means I can create a place where Tsumiki belongs, then I accept it.
Even if it means carrying that weight for as long as I live. Something Maki couldn’t do for Mai, so I do it for her.
Kugisaki, this is a gift, from me to you.
If I had to give up my world, I’m giving mine up.
Let me give up that virtue,
and make one last sacrifice.