Archive of Our Own

James being the eldest sometimes felt like a curse.

It meant that he was somehow responsible for what his members did solely because he was older. In the beginning, it didn't bother James much. He hadn't known what it felt like to be an older brother nor what that job would entail. Therefore, he had no reason to dislike it. But things were changing.

After their celebration of officially debuting a month ago (James was really happy about that) he felt the unmistakable air of irritation begin to sizzle around him. Keonho was a good kid, but he would tend to follow the beat of his own drum if he didn't understand why you were telling him something different. And for James, explaining certain things, like why Keonho should listen to him, usually fell on deaf ears.

Seonghyeon and Juhoon were both tied on the scoreboard of annoying James. Juhoon had a tendency to be a homebody, which was fine in itself, but not in relation to group activities. James understood the importance of bonding and getting closer to one another. It was crucial to become a reliable band mate and a piece of the puzzle that brought the members together.

Which is why James was grateful for Seonghyeon. The boy would remember most things about his members and at least try to play the mediator, but because he was so young, it also took time for him to realize the reason as to why he should help out in the first place. But it was mainly due to his own nervousness rather than Keonho's natural independence.

Seonghyeon was afraid of rocking the boat. And that's where Martin comes in. Martin was a fantastic leader (in such short time) and amazing spokesperson for the group. James can confidently say he relied on him the most when it came to serious matters. Which is why he's happy to stroll into Martin's room, free of Seonghyeon and Keonho as the maknae’s focused on burning something in their kitchen.

"What's up, hyung?" Martin was currently saving a pin to a board titled 'King Sh!t' which James decided to ignore. He didn't want to speak on why Martin was saving a picture of a teddy-bear backpack to a board with a name like that.

"I think that we should schedule our meeting tomorrow." Martin pauses and looks over his shoulder to give James a raised, blonde brow. "Or at least a few days away." He doubles down at his stare.

Their manager suggested the group to try and schedule something of their own. A meeting was the simplest thing their manager could put together for them, a straightforward talk about what each member felt they needed to work better on. What help they may need in certain areas.

This would build character, and other things James can't remember. The date they choose to schedule mattered as a group. A team. A unit. In the moment (which was three days ago) no one was excited about the sudden power shift. It sucked at times to not have a choice, but in some way it was less stressful as they wouldn't have to be in charge of such big decisions.

"Why so early?" The younger questions.

"Because… I think if we wait the stress is just going to catch up to us. And slow us down so much that we won't want to go…" Strike while the iron is hot, James wanted to say. But he wasn't too sure on how to express that to their leader.

"Mhhh," James knows he is going to disagree. His tone, his expression, all that's left now is how James chooses to react to it. Typically, through obedience. But James doesn't think he can walk away from this without a little push back. "I think it's still too early. We need rest, hyung. Aren't you tired?"

I'd be dead if I wasn't. "Yeah," James licks his lips. "But if we get it out of the way we won't have to worry about it later." Have it looming over our heads like every scheduled date does, James thinks.

"James-hyung." Martin whimpers, face in his hands. "Please just let us rest a little longer."

That hits a chord within the eldest. Okay, is at the tip of his tongue. Easy compliance. But something holds the word back. Maybe it's the fact that right now he's taller than Martin, or maybe he's had enough of people not listening to him. Whatever it may be, it wraps over James' brain like rope. Tight. Constrictive.

"Martinie," James chides softly. "It's best if we schedule it tomorrow. Then, we can rest all we want to later." His voice isn't sharp, but his words slash through Martin all the same. The younger sighs and his face is pudgy-soft. Defeated. A hand rises without much thought, and Martin leans into the touch like a dog would.

"Mh… That feels good, hyung." Martin closes his eyes, basking in the scratching James does to his scalp. It's like he's being rewarded for listening. Truly like a dog.

"I know." James whispers. "I'll tell the others if you want?"

"Please."

James smiles. He continues for a moment longer, the action somewhat therapeutic for him as well. Like James' body has been waiting for this. For him to comfort someone through touch.

The meeting was a success, surprisingly.

James was worried if they'd be late, or if something totally unfortunate happened like Keonho waking up with a nasty stomach bug or Seonghyeon somehow causing harm to himself the way James always worries he will. But no such thing happened. They arrived on time, possibly even earlier as their manager looked at them with wide eyes that wouldn’t relax.

James felt good. He felt… accomplished. The reward was decided — dinner. But they had to save money, so the plan was to make the sides at home and order the main dishes online. James was currently hunting for vegetables in their fridge, totally unaware to the fact that Keonho was steadily creeping up behind him.

"Hyung…" He puts his hand on the fridge. James jumps, almost curses, but relaxes into a sigh after noticing the jump scare to only be their makane. "Yes?"

"I think we… should buy Japchae." Keonho swings his body the way he does when he's restless. Nervous. Or both.

"Why?" The simple reply feels like a challenge to the youngest, so he dramatically sighs and squares his shoulders. "Why not?" He asks.

James pauses. Then, straightens his back. He closes the fridge and looks at Keonho. Bored and quite frankly tired of this aura he tries to exude that is just not him. They all do it, but at least it's more believable from them. "Just say what you wanted to say, Keonho."

"I did."

"We all agreed on fried chicken."

"I changed my mind."

God, he was so stubborn. James inhales through his nose, thinking of how he can shorten this perceived to-be lengthy conversation. "Well, you need to change it back. Chicken will keep you full longer. And you're going to complain about being hungry in the next hour if you eat noodles."

Keonho pouts. "No I won't."

"Yes, you will." James reaffirms, feeling that rope from before lasso his brain again. "Because noodles are carbohydrates, meaning you'll get full faster but it's only temporary. And chicken is a high-protein food that takes longer to digest." Keonho is silent. The eldest takes a tentative step forward.

James softens his tone. Lowers his voice. And wraps a hand around Keonho's shoulder blade. "You're craving noodles? Ok. Sometimes I do, too. But we have to be smart about this. We need to make our paycheck last, and it won't if we always order what we want." Keonho's eyes are glossy. He looks like a kicked puppy.

"But, hyung—"

"I know, Geonhonie." The muscle under his hand relaxes, and James uses this opportunity to work his fingers into his shoulder. Keonho blinks, eyelids barely touching his lash line. Drunk. "But the chicken is really good, too. So let's order that."

"Okay…" Keonho's voice is small, which it tends to be when he's nervous or tired. James hums, knowing the cause of this to be neither of those possibilities. James pats his shoulder. "Go tell, Martinie." And Keonho obeys.

"Ju-ju?"

"Yes?"

James opens the door, finding Juhoon in a pile of his own clothes, folding them. "We're playing board games."

"Ok."

James still has his hand on the door handle. He isn't leaving yet. Not until he gets what he wants.

"Come. This round's almost over."

Juhoon doesn't respond right away, but his lips fall open. James waits patiently. "I would, but…" Juhoon smacks his lips, pulling them into a strict line before he says, "I have chores to do."

James is still. Then, an idea hits him. "I can fold them for you tomorrow."

"No." Juhoon smiles, a sight that causes James’ chest to warm. "You don't have to do that, hyung."

"But I want to." James walks in their shared room, eyes quickly scanning over every article of clothing that Juhoon hasn't folded yet. Then, he lifts his gaze to meet Juhoon. "'Cause I want you to come play with us."

Juhoon laughs. "What game are you guys playing?"

James pinches his nose with his knuckles playfully. "Why don't you come see?"

James finds that his annoyance levels have decreased.

When he wasn't severely anxious about everything concerning their group, he was completely Zen. His trusty singing bowl helped with that. But now, there's something cutting through that decadent silence. "What's going on?" James asks with closed eyes.

"The maknae's got into an argument." Juhoon yawns. James is sure Keonho won't retreat back to their room. He's sure the youngest is going to do some physical activity like running to blow off some steam. James doesn't quite hate the idea, but he knows Keonho struggles with taking responsibility at times.

Especially in cases such as these with his fellow maknae. James re-opens his eyes and places his singing bowl on the nightstand. He brushes imaginary dust off himself as he says to Juhoon, "I'll go see what's up."

"Good luck." The boy replies in English.

James knocks twice on the door, hand already placed on the handle to open it anyways. There's no response, just Martin and Seonghyeon staring back at him like his existence couldn't have been possible.

James is less put-together, clothing wise. He's only wearing a large shirt that barely covers his underwear but James liked comfort over fashion behind closed doors. In their sacred space, where only their eyes could roam. He was okay with that.

Martin gapes, looking between James and Seonghyeon, unsure if he should speak up for his friend and spill all the deets to their hyung. "Well—"

"Where's Keonho?" Seonghyeon breaks the silence, simultaneously cutting Martin off in the process.

James shrugs his shoulders, scratching his belly when he says, "I don't know." Seonghyeon hums. It's a sound that's devoid of all 'interested' emotion. Seonghyeon doesn't care to know where Keonho is. He's focused on the fact that James doesn't.

And he's looking at him like he dares the eldest to pick a fight with him next. James feels the hairs at his nape stand. "Martin, go find where Keonho is." At the mention of his name and direct instruction, Martin hops off his bed and bee-lines toward the door.

Now it's only Seonghyeon and James. The silence is thick, but not suffocatingly warm. It's cool, like ice. Which (in James' opinion) would explain the goosebumps traveling down the length of his arms and spine. He clears his throat. "What happened."

"Nothing." Seonghyeon shrugs.

A beat of nothingness washes over them. James crosses his arms. "Is there a reason why you're lying?"

"Is there a reason why you can't mind your business?"

James' eyebrows shoot up to his hairline and Seonghyeon appears regretful. He hangs his head low, sighs, and cradles his face within his hands. James knows he has to handle this carefully, Seonghyeon specifically, but he wants to grab the boy by his collar and shake him so bad it turns him dizzy.

"I won't 'mind my business' because I care about you two—" Seonghyeon groans, "And I want to make sure you both didn't do something stupid."

"Whatever. It's over now. I'll promise not to get in between you guys again." James stills and Seonghyeon catches himself a moment too late.

"Ignore th—"

"Get in between us?" James parrots back. His brows are drawn together and his lips part to form a confused scowl. "What is that supposed to mean?" Why am I in it? James can feel his brain throbbing in frustration.

"It's stupid." Seonghyeon sighs again. "I just told him that… you and him were getting really close and I guess that made him mad."

"And you said nothing else?" James looks at Seonghyeon over the rim of his glasses. His brow ticks, and he chews on his lip ferociously. James knows that look, so he advances despite the shake of the boy’s head. James is close now, kneeling beside Seonghyeon's bouncing leg. He places his palm on Seonghyeon's knee.

James is really trying to solve this the best he can. He has to. He's the eldest. But as soon as, "Seonghyeonie, we have to be truthful," leaves his mouth does all hell break loose. Seonghyeon's eyes are lit ablaze with something James would much rather refuse to name, and his lips are pulled back in a nasty snarl, baring his teeth animalistically like him being human was all a ruse.

That the boy was hidden in layers of sheep skin. That he was really a wolf, and no one other than James would realize that—because he brought it out of him.

"Alright, I'll be truthful! The truth is that I've been noticing the hyungs act differently. We always have fun, and that includes doing things we're not supposed to do. But lately there's this… fear of doing it. Of doing what we always do to have fun. And you're the reason because each time I look at them I notice them looking at you."

Rapid breaths and wild eyes makes up Seonghyeon's appearance. He licks his lips, ready to yell again. He wasn't done. "And that's—" A shaky breath, "That's fine. I never said anything because I didn't care. But Keonho… the only one I'm so close to in age changed. You changed him."

James' throat is dry and scratchy. Nearly closing in on itself when he brokenly whispers, "Is that so bad?"

Seonghyeon's brows furrow, and James braces himself for what comes his way. "Yes!" The boy roars. "He's not himself anymore, and my bad if I'm the only one who sees a problem with that!"

"Yeah," James nods. Emotionless. Heartbroken. "You are the only one who sees a problem with that because you're childish."

Seonghyeon jerks his head back, blinking in confusion at the subtle shift in the air and what James just called him.

A tear falls from James' eye and he quickly catches it with the back of his hand. "Everyone knows—" A wet sniffle, "How hard I'm trying. To make this group work, to make this group more than what people assume us to be. Because when I don't try… all of it falls back on me."

James ducks his head, embarrassed and trying to shield his tear-struck face from the youngest. Seonghyeon's tongue sits heavy in his mouth. He blinks, unsure of what to do or how to respond. "Hyung…" Is the only thing his brain manages to compute coherently at the moment.

Then, Seonghyeon's shaking hand travels beyond what either of them expect. James' hair, a gentle tug, and the eldest has his head seated on Seonghyeon's lap. There's a gasp, but it's quiet. James is left speechless, completely shocked that this was how their little spat would play out.

"I'm sorry, James-hyung. I wasn't aware of what you were going through as well…" A hand, hesitant and soft, cards through colored hair. Silently, tears fall from James' eyes onto Seonghyeon's bare skin.

"It's okay…" The eldest mutters.

"No," Seonghyeon denies. "It's not." He shakes his head despite James’ inability to witness it. Water clouds his vision, so he can't see much unless it be distorted by his tears, anyways. The boy clears his throat. "So, on that note, I just want to say thank you. For everything you've done that I wasn't aware of. Thank you, hyung. You're trying to keep the group together, and I appreciate that."

James hums in response. Broken and child-like. Seonghyeon knows his hyung to be embarrassed, so he basks in the silence with him whilst petting his hair. There is no invisible rope pulling taut around James' brain.

In fact, there's nothing at all but calm.

Keonho and Seonghyeon made up with a quick apology.

They couldn't stay mad at one another for long, but of course Martin urged them to hash it out. Seonghyeon found their leader to be a little corny in trying to 'take control' of the situation, but he held his tongue.

In the back of his mind was James. His hyung, completely torn down by what he said fresh in his mind like it was still happening. Seonghyeon shakes his head in disappointment. All of the things he said and how he said it… it was unbelievable, truly.

Seonghyeon is shocked to know James didn't rip him a new one, but their eldest wasn't like that. Somewhere deep down Seonghyeon knew he took advantage of that in the moment. He knew James to be non-confrontational so he acted viciously.

Totally uncool and unlike himself. Seonghyeon's messed up bad over it, so once the tensed air clears does he knock on a familiar door. Juhoon opens it, and Seonghyeon glances indiscreetly towards where he knows James' bed to be.

The eldest is laying on his side, and Seonghyeon's suddenly worried that this wasn't the perfect time. He cuts his eyes back to Juhoon, who also looks sleepy but that was normal for him. "C-can I talk to hyung alone for a second?"

Juhoon wordlessly nods his head, slipping past the boy and trudging his way to the couch. Seonghyeon, nervous as fuck, can feel the sweat secreting from his palms coat the door handle. He grimaces, hoping it dries by the time he's finished talking.

Seonghyeon clears his throat. James doesn't move. Alright. He wets his lips, fixing his stance before he speaks. "James-hyung?"

James wiggles a bit, groaning as he flips on his side to face his dongsaeng. "Yes?" His voice hasn't changed, but it's softer somehow.

It causes butterflies to flutter in Seonghyeon's belly. Nerves or endearment. He didn't know. "You… you alright?" He questions lamely. Seonghyeon's not one-hundred percent sure what he even came in here for, so he has to freestyle anyways. He just felt the urge to barge in his shared room. See his face. Maybe his smile too, if he was lucky.

"Why wouldn't I be?" James rubs at his eye.

Seonghyeon swallows. Fuck, this was so awkward. "I-I don't know."

James hums understandably. "Is that all?"

Seonghyeon can't bring himself to speak, and the need to glue himself to his hyung grew stronger. So, he settles for closing the distance between them slowly. James watches with curious, eagle eyes.

The boy reaches for his hand. James has slender, bony fingers. Has long nail beds he always keeps tidy. And trimmed nails polished with clear gel. Seonghyeon feels like dropping to his knees.

"Are we… good?" He sure as hell wants them to be. He couldn't take it if James was still angry or experienced any other emotion than happy and prideful because of him. He's looking down at James, but that changes nothing.

His gaze is still desperate. Longing in the way you await a text message back from your friend. There's no words to answer his question, only a subtle shift of movement that Seonghyeon believes to change everything.

James brings their hands together, running a thumb across Seonghyeon's knuckles. Seonghyeon stills, both out of shock and of not wanting to risk ruining this moment. "Silly," his mouth stretches. "Of course we're good, Hyeonie."

Seonghyeon finally relaxes, wide eyes glued to James's smiling mouth. God, that was so nerveracking. "Okay." Seonghyeon says in English, finally breathing despite looking as if he still required assistance.

"Great," Seonghyeon whispers. The boy grips James' hand tighter before letting go completely. A sign of a truce. A sign of the fact their friendship won over everything else. The nasty, painful emotions and words spoken (mostly from Seonghyeon).

"Now we can drop all the sappy stuff." James hurries to reach behind him to throw a plushy at Seonghyeon who (annoyingly) manages to dodge in time. He's laughing and so is James. Finally, there's normalcy again.