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Dear Jonathan Sims,
We hope you are doing well. We are reaching out to inform you that it has come to our attention that upon being introduced to your newest archival assistant you proceeded to claim that he was “not your assistant” and that you “didn't choose him." Unfortunately it is not only up to you to determine who works in the archives and employment decisions are often also made by the head of the institute, Elias Bouchard. As such, this was an extremely unprofessional manner in which you handled yourself and unless you wish to be written up you will immediately begin conducting yourself in ways more befitting of one in the Head Archivist position.
Regards,
The Magnus Institute HR Department
Dear HR department,
I understand that you disapprove of the ‘extremely unprofessional manner’ in which I handled things but I swear you would understand if only you had met the sheer and utter incompetence that is Martin Blackwood. He let a dog into the archives. An honest to goodness dog. With fur and everything. He came to me to help him find it because - guess what - he didn't even know where the beast had gotten off to! Do you have any idea what kind of a health hazard that could pose? What if it had fleas? The plague? Or some other random awful disease that was transmissible to humans? Surely you can understand my reaction which was nothing but one of the utmost professionality that the situation warranted.
In the future I will refrain from outright telling my employees that they are lying to me when they say they were placed there by Elias though and will first verify with their employment records. Then I will determine whether or not to accuse them of falsehoods.
Regards,
Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute
Dear Jonathan Sims,
We would like to reiterate a point from the employee handbook that you are surely by now well-acquainted with as it has been brought to your attention several times during your tenure at this institution.
“No harassing, belittling, insulting, or otherwise demeaning one's colleagues or employees.”
Regards,
The Magnus Institute HR Department
Dear HR Department,
I suppose you are correct in that to the untrained eye my discussion with Martin Blackwood was a tad bit demeaning, I'll give you that. Very well. I shall keep my thoughts to myself from now on.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist Of the Magnus Institute
Dear Jonathan Sims,
We can assure you that we are not in fact ‘untrained’ eyes and take a very personal offense to such an insult. Consider yourself warned. For reference, please see statement by Sunil Maraj from April 3rd, 2011.
Regards,
Magnus Institute HR Department
Dear HR Department,
Have you not noticed the state of the Archives? There is absolutely no way I would be able to locate a specific statement in here - it would take literal years!
Regards,
Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute
Dear Jonathan Sims,
Heh heh we know. We always know. We see all.
Regards,
The Magnus Institute HR Department
Dear HR Department,
That's a bit… creepy?
Concerned,
Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute
P.S. - I'm forwarding this email chain to Elias
Dear Jon,
Apologies for the way our HR Department emailed you yesterday. The employee in question has been fed and will not be a problem anymore. On an entirely unrelated note, could you send up some statements with one of your assistants at some point today? The HR Department is in need of some for ‘training’ purposes.
Regards,
Elias Buchard, Head of The Magnus Institute
Dear Elias,
Do you mean to tell me that one of our HR representatives was sending out hangry emails yesterday after accusing me of being unprofessional?
Offended,
Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist at the Magnus Institute
Dear Archivist,
Oh if only you Knew what the future holds for you.
Beholding,
Elias
Dear Jon,
Please disregard the last email.
Regards,
Elias Buchard, Head of the Magnus Institute