Work Text:
Novak watched as they lowered the wooden casket into the grave they’d dug for their late father. They were only 5 at the time, and it was just them and their father. Their father suffered a heart attack when the two were out on a walk, and by the time someone got him to the hospital, it was already too late to help him. As of now, Novak doesn’t remember much of their father, only that he had a charming personality that would make anybody smile, no matter their mood. Novak could look up to that about their father.
Their mother took off when they were.. three years old? It didn’t matter, she wasn’t present for Novak after that, so they didn’t care.
After their father’s passing, they’d spent two days with a foster care, before being placed in the custody of their grandparents on their mother’s side. Turns out they didn’t hear anything from their lovely daughter either. She’d gone completely from the face of the earth. But again, Novak couldn’t care. They grew up most of their life presuming they just didn’t have a mother.
A part of them was glad she didn’t stick around if she was anything like her parents. Her parents, whom Novak referred to as ‘ama’ and ‘apa’, were major perfectionists. If they weren’t perfect, instantly, Novak would be a disappointment to them. It was a lot of pressure on some kid who just lost their father and left under the supervision of their grandparents.
Sure, while they could be the sweetest Ama and Apa ever, other times? Eh.. not so much.
Novak can recall everytime they came home with something that wasn’t up to their standards. Constant scolding about how they had to be perfect, that they couldn’t let their bad influence of a father affect the family. Novak’s father wasn’t a bad influence at all, and they knew that. Novak didn’t have the heart at the time to correct them, after all, Ama and Apa gave them a home and food! They couldn’t talk back after they did that for them.
Another time, they can recall when they came home from middle school after a fight with a classmate over some toy. Novak, that night, had it drilled into their head that no matter what, no matter who it is, they had to be nice, respectful. No mistakes allowed, always nice.. They could live up to that, right?
As Novak grew up, they turned out to look more and more like their mother. They could tell from all the pictures on the wall. A pale black haired girl with the brightest brown eyes you could imagine. She was gorgeous, honestly. Her hair was down to her hips, and in some pictures, she wore it in a plait. No wonder their father stayed. Why wouldn’t he? He had a gorgeous girlfriend and a child.
The traits he inherited from his father was his build, his chubby little cheeks and how he was a little bit more on the heavier side.
And as Novak grew up, they were more prone to small itsy bitsy mistakes that would piss off their Ama and Apa. ‘No mistakes, Novak. You can’t disappoint us like this after we’ve done so much for you.’ That’s what they’d always tell them. The more they brought it up, the more a small resentment built up inside of Novak towards themselves. However more they brought up how much they were starting to look like their mother, it was different. Novak hated their mother.
They hated their resemblance to someone who abandoned family. They couldn’t stand it. Novak didn’t want to be compared to somebody like that. Not at all.
More time passed, and instead of their Ama and Apa looking after them, it’d swapped to the other way around. Novak was 18 now. They were nearly old enough to leave, to get out of here. Their legs were covered in bruises that were self inflicted; mistakes weren’t allowed. They weren’t good enough, not in this family. Mistakes weren’t acceptable. People who weren’t kind weren’t acceptable. That’s all Novak’s been taught here.
“Ama, Apa, can I go out?”
“No, child. Stay put.” Their Ama hissed. She never referred to Novak by their name, always by child.
“I’ve done my chores, Ama..” Novak pouted. They didn’t know why their Ama was holding them back now. She never had a problem with them going out, never once in her life, in fact, she encouraged it!
They watched as their Ama rolled her eyes. She was annoyed. Was it the test they’d failed in school?
“What is it, Ama?”
“Wait for your Apa to get out of the kitchen, you need to do our shopping.”
“Okay, Ama. I have money, I can go now.” They whispered. Not like they’d protest anyways, Novak knew their Ama and Apa were weaker now. They knew they struggled, all Novak had to do was do this simple job for them and to get something for themselves.
After another five minutes of Novak’s guardians holding them back and quizzing them, they finally got out of the house. They knew what they were doing. They’d been saving up money from tutoring and dog walking to finally stop looking like her. To finally stop looking like his mother. Of course, it’d upset Ama and Apa, but last Novak checked, it wasn’t their body.
Novak had spent half an hour in town, both shopping for their grandparents and looking for the perfect hair dye. Their eyes found a bright blue that they thought would look amazing in their hair. Of course, it may be a little bit darker, but it would still look amazing. Better than what they had anyways, so they bought it. The minute they got in the door, they went straight to the kitchen to leave the groceries they’d bought.
As Novak went to go up the stairs to the bathroom, their eyes fell on the two elders. How disappointed would they be now? Would they scream at them for this “mistake”? Would they kick them out? They weren’t sure, but they could worry about it later.
They soaked their hair and put on a pair of plastic gloves before putting the hair dye on their hand. There was no going back, they told themselves. No going back now, they had to dedicate to it. It just pained them to look like their mother. It pained them to look like a horrible person, someone who abandoned and hurt.. Novak mentally shook their head as they massaged the dye into their hair. No, they couldn’t think that about someone they barely knew. That’s not how their Ama and Apa raised them.
..They shouldn’t even be thinking about them right now. They didn’t matter. Novak needed to think for themselves. Water trickled from their hair as they washed it before looking up at their reflection.
Finally. Novak didn’t see her. They didn’t see a woman who wasn’t present in their life. They saw themselves. The blue didn’t come out as bright, but dark blue? It suited them. This was them, this was Novak. They weren’t their mother, nor their father. They weren’t their Apa or their Ama. They were themselves. Novak. That felt right. It was nice to look at someone that was just.. them.