Work Text:
SAKIKO
Another dirty plate. At the beginning it felt disgusting. Maybe I just wasn't used to noticing how much filth remains stuck to the cutlery after a meal. But now I know all too well.
Hot water warmed my fingers as I tried to wash the dishes. Every day, all the same. What even was the point of cleaning something if the next day you have to do it all over again? I barely remembered them ever being clean, that's how fast they landed back to the sink. Day after day after day. Still it had to be done.
Perhaps that was the chore I hated the most. As I paid attention to my hands I remembered the feeling of keys under my fingers. So different from the school's piano. I remembered pressure, patterns, the melody itself. I ran simulations of songs I will most likely never play again. Pointless delusion.
It only made me remember who I played with and ache all over again. I could almost hear it. The drums, the bass, the guitar and… Tomori's voice. The lyrics that resonated with me so much back then now only reminded me of how alone I became.
I couldn't bear to listen. Not after everything I had to do. I couldn't bear it but my head repeated it over and over and over. I could beg my thoughts to stop but to no avail.
It wasn't fair. I couldn't allow myself to be so weak. But I couldn't stop the thoughts. If only I could hear Tomori sing another song. Write some new lyrics. I missed the way those words made me feel. Not just that. I wanted to hear Tomori talk about a new rock she found, have her point at constellations to me… just see her smile. But it wasn't about what I wanted. It didn't have to be towards me.
I scarred all of them. I closed a way back for myself. It had to be this way. So, just as I said goodbye to the happiness I had, I wanted to lose the memories of it. Days and nights I prayed for oblivion.
Remembering only brought pain. Pain I deserved. But I wasn't strong enough to bear this punishment. All the time we spend together repeating in my head, over and over and over again. I wanted to lose it all.
Every time I felt a gentle gust of wind I hoped the next blow could take all those memories away. Just as it took the happiness we shared.
Every time I felt a drop of rain on my skin I wished for it to wash me clean. To restart my being to the empty shell I felt like right now. I asked for it to take me away. If only one could drown in rain.
I stopped the rhythmic flow of water and set the plate aside. The dishes were clean again.
***
Mirrors kept lying to me. As I took a short bathroom break from work I saw a smile on my face. A service smile, necessary to answer all those calls. It didn't take long for me to form this habit. I stared at it. Just a gentle, polite-looking curve of my mouth. Yet it's one of those smiles you never wear honestly.
I heard ringing in my ears. It has been hours and hours of hearing a variety of screams through my headset. I should feel mad, frustrated, anything. I think I should. All the others were. Yet I just let them scream.
Maybe I deserved it? After leaving them like that. No explanation. It had to be done, it was my burden to bear. What else could I say? No, I did it the best possible way. So why?
Why every time I heard those screams these words kept lingering at the end of my tongue? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But these apologies would never reach the ones they were for. It was too late for that. No need to open any wounds. So I remained quiet.
I was just so tired. Please, let me sleep.
But even if I got this smile off my face the mirror kept lying to me. I saw Sakiko Togawa. I saw myself. This body… I just didn't feel like I inhabited it anymore. It was strange. With every glance at the mirror I just expected the reflection to completely disappear.
But I was still there. This body was still here to move, talk, smile, wash the dishes, go to school. I was still in there somewhere. Was I? Was I still a human? Was I ever?
Back to work.
***
I came back home. If I could call this place that. It's not like the place I abandoned could be called home either. Maybe at some point it could?
Lately it felt like after my mother died every place became so cold and alien. Well, maybe that was just a matter of the people around me. With CRYCHIC everything felt so warm. Now all the places we made shine only caused pain. What a pity.
When I go back home I look at the night sky. Stars used to be the best guide after all. You told me so much about that. Yet I couldn't see any signs. I'm still lost.
Maybe it wasn't an answer I was looking for but a feeling. It was no use. Even the stars seem different when I'm not with you.
I was going from place to place. The new school wasn't bad. I didn't plan to form any connections with anybody so it was more of a chore. It would be if not for the piano. Possibly the only thing I'm doing just for myself. Feeling this well-known pressure of keys against my fingers reminds me there was still some of me left. Still I was aware it will never be the same as playing for CRYCHIC. Whatever I would compose it would not be to Tomori's words. On worse days it causes more pain than relief.
I was scared of the school's corridors. The idea of passing anyone I know sent chills down my spine. I couldn't answer questions. I couldn't make things go back to how it was. It would remain that way so the only salvation I could hope for was to forget. Any time I caught a glimpse of any of them it was getting harder and harder. As much as I wanted to turn my head another way, a weak part of me was starting to wish for the impossible. Maybe I was the one who couldn't fully move on. Like it or not I had to go to this school now.
I didn't have any connection to any of my part time jobs. I knew the moment I would stop performing well would be a moment they let go of me. I couldn't let that happen. I was barely making enough as is. So I did what I could. I did the best I could and I was tired.
Once I was back here I at least knew I could sleep. A few hours at best and it would all begin again.
No matter how empty it felt I had to keep going. I had to keep making money even if it was pocket change. I had to go to school and look into my locker to find another sticky note. Knowing I couldn't answer any of them. Knowing I was just bringing more pain but not doing that. Tomori, I never wanted to hurt you.
She couldn't keep writing to me. All those words could be used on someone who would write back. Someone who would make her happy. Yet when I think of the day those sticky notes will stop appearing in my locker the feeling of dread takes over.
I was so unfair. How could I ask you to keep remembering me when I'm doing everything to forget you?
Those days bring so much pain but it was all necessary. What I was doing wasn't for me. I had to go through it. I won't abandon my father, I won't.
The day will be over soon. I'll go to sleep soon. For a while it'll be just like I'm not here at all. I will temporarily disappear and then… Then it'll start over again.
Ah, how I wish to wake up from this life.
The sink was filled with dirty dishes. I let the hot water run. Seems like I couldn't go to sleep yet.
Things weren't that bad. All that I did was necessary. I needed to help my father. I needed to let my friends move on. I needed to save who I could. To do that I needed to persevere.
As long as I was helping it was fine. They weren't for me to miss. How could I miss the ones I deliberately let go of? One day I'm sure Tomori will write a different song. Perform with different people. Maybe I would be there to see, to hear. The song would reach me again. Finally from the stage she deserved to perform at.
But why did I dislike the idea? Why did I hate the thought of being just a spectator? Ah, the time we spent together spoiled me. The more time I spent at your side the more I felt like I wanted to share all my happiness with you. And for you to do the same. But there was no more I could give you. So… so…
I felt a drop, colder than hot running water, on my arm. I slowly wiped my eyes. So I could still do that. I used to think that I cried all my tears that day. There were, however, days when they flowed again. I didn't know why. There was no need.
I wished you pushed me away that day. All of you. You should have yelled, cursed and despised me. It would have been easier. Why do I have to be a villain here? Tomori, why do you still reach out to me? All I can do is pledge ignorance. All I can do is ignore, turn my eyes the other way. Please. Please, allow me to stop hurting you.
Taki, Soyo, Mutsumi, Tomori… I miss you. No. No, I didn't. I couldn't.
I put myself together. My eyes weren't even red. Dry as if nothing ever happened. Great. I didn't want my father to see.
Dishes were clean again. It was time to fall asleep. Good night, world. Let me leave you for a while.
TOMORI
I've come to know the ground. All the paths, plants, rocks I haven't pick up yet. Before I rarely looked up. I don't think I would even notice my tendencies if not for the period they changed.
I think it was around the time I met Saki-chan. About the time CRYCHIC was formed. I lost the sight of ground for a while as there was so much happening on my eye level. It was fun.
Yet I was back where I started. Some things changed. Some rocks have been kicked far away from where I remembered them being. Sometimes I even moved them back to where they belonged. That's how it should be.
It was still different. When I saw something interesting I found myself turning sides as if searching for someone. No one was there. Not anymore.
I didn't understand. I was ready to accept the reason whatever it was, there surely had to be one. But just what could it be? Was it my fault? Was I supposed to train more? Was it something else after all? I couldn't even speculate anymore.
There was no answer in sight. Even if I already found the right one, there was no one to confirm or deny that. I couldn't make sense of it. So I didn't know how to react. I was sad. It was so close, our first performance, and then it was all gone just like that. It all fell apart.
I was sure we will be together for the rest of our lives. I wanted to live next to them. Play next to them. I wanted this happiness I felt when they were near to last forever. For the first time in my life I didn't feel so… lost. But we didn't even make it to our first concert. Now I am more lost than ever before.
I couldn't write anymore. Every time I tried to put my thoughts into words it got all tangled up. I really am useless. Saki-chan, I won't be able to write another song. I can only write to you.
Thank you for showing me more of this world than I've ever seen. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for changing my loose thoughts into lyrics I could share even if I didn't get to. I'm sorry. I got too happy, too sure. I wasn't practicing enough. I wasn't good enough for you. Was I wrong to wish to remain as we were forever? Was I the only one who wished for that?
Suddenly I felt a light shove. Huh? What was it? What just happened? Oh, was someone… I raised my head and mumbled my apologies to the disappearing silhouettes. Only I could hear the words for a brief second before they were gone with the wind.
***
I stared at the blank page of my note. So many words in my mind yet my pencil wouldn't touch the paper. My thoughts screamed but my hands remained lightly raised, not moving.
It was always hard. Putting feelings into words. Still I could do this before. I didn't even know what I felt anymore. Back then I started seeing a direction in what I wrote. I had a purpose in writing. My words weren't just a random collection of thoughts. I learned they could be arranged, performed, shared. Now I don't know how to write for myself anymore.
There was this idea in my head that if I just write good enough lyrics, Saki-chan would be back. That just like that we would all get back together. The song would reach each of them and… and…
I just couldn't accept that there was nothing I could do. All this fun we had. All these friendships I finally formed. How could I let go of that? Surely if I just kept looking I would find a way back. If I just understood what happened.
I reached for my sticky notes. Lately there were so many I collected. To think they made such different shapes of those and they usually came in four colors, sometimes more sometimes less. Four was perfect. It gave enough variety yet didn't create chaos. You could do so many things with these.
To me they usually served one purpose. The only type of writing I could bring myself to do. I reached for them but I actually didn't know what to write this time. Maybe I wouldn't get an answer but I believed that at least it reached her. I had to believe that because I didn't know what I would do if it didn't.
In search of inspiration I turned around. The sky seemed clear tonight. I left the note and went to get a better view. Stars. Usually you could barely see them here but now they were almost as clear as the ones from the planetarium's projections. They were beautiful. So beautiful.
Seeing this vast sky filled with glimmering stars I felt almost at peace for a while. I loved it. This sight. But… I just couldn't get the thought away from my head. The thought of how much I wished to share it with you. Why did you have to teach me the happiness of sharing what you love? Now all I think about is how you would react. Would you smile? Would you like it? Saki-chan, I miss you.
That time we watched stars together I was sure you liked it too. Were you mad back then? Did you think I should be practicing my singing instead? Did I miss it? Were you giving me signs? Did you hate it? How much I wish you were next to me to answer.
No, I couldn't believe it was all lies. I won't. You wouldn't do this to me, right? You would tell me. You would, right?
I turned my back on the stars and sat by my desk again. Pencil trembling in my hand I picked a blue sticky note and wrote.
Did you see the stars yesterday?
***
It took a while for me to notice it started to rain. How long could it be? It was already pouring when I saw the pavement turn darker. I should have felt it on my skin first. I didn't. For how long was I ignoring the signs?
I didn't like the rain. When it rained I remembered that day. The day it all came crashing down. Back then it didn't feel real. It felt so fast but so slow. My head couldn't fully catch up with what was happening and before I knew it was over.
I could remember the rain hitting the window. Filling the silence with pounding. I remembered this loud pounding. Was it the rain or my heart?
I started looking for an umbrella. I should have one with me. Before opening my backpack I froze. It was too late to react. All I could do now was get my things wet while searching. Did I need an umbrella?
As I stood in place wondering the pavements became fully dark. I hurried straight ahead.
That day when Saki-chan left, did she have an umbrella? I knew Mutsumi had one but did she? Did she walk away in this weather? Was she as cold as I was right now when the water met her skin?
I had no way of knowing. I could only ask.
Every time I tried to make it all make sense I stumbled into another question. I tried to piece together puzzle pieces not realizing how many of them I still lacked. Is there a way for me to put this together somehow?
I still lacked something. As a person, a human. I knew it from the beginning. But… But being with them I believed it didn't matter. That I could be lacking and they would still be there with me.
I started to think that being together we didn't lack anything at all. As if it was each other we needed to fill that hole.
Now that I learned of this life, of this warmth. All of these colors you let me see. The sounds you made me hear. Now that I was back to this empty, cold everyday I felt more lacking than ever.
Saki-chan with you I was the most human I could ever be.
Once I put this all together. Once I understand. Once I start practicing more. Once I will be able to write songs again. Then, would you come back to me? I miss you.
The rain was so cold I started to shake a bit. Weirdly enough the rain felt different on my face. It felt warmer.
I barely made it to school, completely drenched. A small puddle started to form at my feet. It was cold. I felt tired somehow. Despite it all I still didn't know how you felt that day. I will never know.
I wanted to turn around and ask. Your absence was worse than the rain. I got so used to having you by my side. Now there was nobody. I could only stare at the puddle made by water dripping from my hair. With every drop it got bigger and bigger. Nobody said anything. I was alone. Again. I got lost.
With hands trembling from the cold I opened my backpack. I was glad. I was glad I didn't let the sticky note get wet.