Work Text:
a text from jongseob broke shota’s attention away from the mobile game he was playing.
“can i pls come over right now? i need u”
shota’s heart jumped against his will. he didn’t want to feel this way about his closest friend, and he knew jongseob didn’t mean it like that… just, couldn’t he have used different wording?
“the door’s unlocked.. is everything okay?”
“no. i’ll explain when i’m there”
shota tugged on his sleeves nervously, waiting for jongseob to get to his apartment. jongseob didn’t ask for help or talk about his problems often, so he was worried about what it could be about.. he’s always been prone to anxiousness, and he hates waiting. after going over nearly 100 possibilities of what could possibly be happening to jongseob, he heard the door open softly.
“in here, seob.. what’s going on?” he called out in a soft tone, sitting up on his bed.
“are you o-“
jongseob didn’t reply, cutting off shota’s sentence with a tight hug. shota’s heart broke, hating the fact that he has to watch someone he truly loves go through pain like this. he just held him, rubbing his back gently.
“oh, seob…”
he was crying, hard. with a tear-soaked face, he looked up at shota, who’s heart shattered into a million pieces at the sight.
“sorry, just… hard day. really wanted to be with you today. i’m sorry for all this, just.. i’m sorry.”
shota wasn’t sure what to say.. he didn’t want to say the wrong thing, and he didn’t even know what the problem was.
“talk to me, seob.. what’s making you feel like this? let me help you,” he mumbled, worry settling on his brow bone.
“everything. i can’t do it anymore, everything is too much.”
he could hear the pain in jongseob’s voice. shota started to understand what was happening- it’s happened before, and it happens often.
he remembers the first time jongseob got overwhelmed like this- they were still trainees, their only worry was debuting. shota barely spoke a word of korean, and jongseob didn’t let people get close to him. shota found him in a practice room, holding his knees close to his chest. it was an awkward conversation, but jongseob ended up telling shota about how he was worried about their debut. how he’d been trying for so long, and yet he still hadn’t succeeded. shota didn’t say anything in response, he just listened. jongseob appreciated that. he didn’t try to fix the issue or give him advice, he was just there. shota sometimes thinks that’s how they became such good.. friends?
over the years, he’s noticed jongseob can be a bit self-destructive, pulling away from his friends when he needs help most. shota knew this, so he just made sure to always be there. he never pressured him to get better quickly or to tell him what was going on.. he was just there. jongseob is like a cat in the way that you have to let him come to you.
“i understand. what do you need from me, seobi?”
“…just need you,” he mumbled into the front of shota’s shirt, now covered with his tears.
hearing that coming from jongseob’s mouth was like a knife to shota’s heart. he’s always wanted to be jongseob’s person, but realizing that he truly is a safe space for him is really something else. he hugs him tighter.
“i’m here,” he whispered, running his fingers through jongseob’s hair. “i’m always here,” he repeated.
after a few more minutes of nothing but jongseob’s sniffles, he sat up and sighed. shota wiped his tears for him, his worried expression still lingering.
“thank you.. i really needed that today. i’m sorry you had to see me like that,” he muttered.
“don’t thank me, you know i’m here.. do you want to talk about it…?”
jongseob nodded, getting comfortable in shota’s bed.
“i just want to feel like i’m good at something,” he started. “i know like, i’m good at writing, but it all seems plain to me. i don’t know how to be better and i just wish i was,”
jongseob looked crushed. it hurt to see him like that. shota turned his body towards him a little, nodding, showing jongseob that he was listening.
“i don’t know,” he continued. “i just don’t feel like it’s enough. i want to be good enough for everyone but mostly i want to be good enough for myself.”
jongseob looked down at his hands, the blanket, and anything else but shota.
‘why’s he so pretty when he cries?’ shota thought to himself. he took in the sight of him, flushed cheeks, glossy eyes, messy hair. he didn’t want to distract himself from being a good friend, but he couldn’t help it. ‘he’s just too beautiful.’ he thought.
‘you’re good enough for me,’ he wanted to say, but he held back.
“i think.. it’s good that you have high standards for yourself? you’re always improving and always getting better at anything you do.. it’s something other people wish for, to always be improving like that.”
jongseob looked at shota like that thought had never occurred to him. he was quiet for a minute, and then:
“…i didn’t think of it like that.”
he smiled a little and shut his eyes, breathing softly.
“thank you,” he added.
shota smiled. he was happy he could get jongseob out of his own head. jongseob looked tired, like he’d been stressed out for days. shota still thought he looked like an angel.
“do you want to sleep here?” shota offered.
jongseob just nodded, seeming like he was already planning on doing just that.
shota smiled and laid back down, watching jongseob’s chest rise and fall as he fell asleep.
“dream about me.”