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Aphmau stares at her reflection, studying every little detail. The bags underneath her eyes, her dark skin riddled with faint scars. It doesn't feel real to her, like some made up nightmare that she's waiting to wake up from. This isn't her face, this isn't her house. None of it feels right, not anymore.
Aphmau hasn't felt like herself for a long while, probably not since this whole mess begun. She's anxious, awkward, everything just feels different. The biggest factor of change however, is Aaron. She's trying to be patient, to be understanding, he had it so hard and now he's recovering, she gets that.. but ever since they returned home, she's been struggling in ways she can't really explain.
Standing outside their bedroom door, Aphmau watches Aaron struggling with his guitar, the familiar red bandana wrapped around his eyes and hiding that pale, blinded gaze. She crosses her arms, a bit of a grimace on her face. “Hey,” Aphmau says, trying to keep her voice lighthearted, but it's lacking it's usual cheer.
“how are you feeling?” She asks him, shifting uncomfortably. These days have been difficult for the two of them, it's awkward, like she hardly knows him anymore. Aaron's ears twitch at the sound of her voice. It's familiar and comforting, even if his memories of it are fuzzy. “Fine, I guess.” Aaron replies, voice slightly cold. It's not intentional, she knows that, but that knowledge doesn't lessen the way it stabs into her heart.
Aaron sighs, setting his guitar down beside him on the bed. “I'm trying to learn again.. I'm just having trouble with the notes.” He doesn't say it directly, but Aphmau knows what he's thinking, she knows the physical and mental toll these past years have taken on him. She frowns, nodding her head slowly, even if she knows he can't see it.
“oh” Aphmau tries to think of something comforting she could say, but no words come to mind. She used to be good at this kind of thing. “Well.. you'll get the hang of it!” She says with a small, awkward smile, mentally berating herself for her inability to be there for him. He was there for her through everything, he was her rock through it all, and now she needs to be there for him.
But she can't help the trauma still plaguing her mind, she can't shake the anxiety, the night terrors keeping her awake. It's all too much for her to handle alone, and now she has to be there for Aaron too. The responsibility hanging over her head is exhausting, and it just keeps growing worse and worse with each passing day.
The couple sits in silence for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say to the other. What could she possibly say to him anyway? He lost his family, he nearly died.. she nearly killed him. There's nothing she could say to him to change any of that, nothing she can do except stand silently.
“um.. anyways, I'm gonna run out to the store. Do you want me to grab anything?” Aphmau asks him, trying to muster up whatever joy she can in her voice, even if it's not very convincing. He wouldn't know the difference anyway. Aaron shakes his head, fingers tracing over the handle of his guitar still. “No, thanks.” He mumbles, to which Aphmau flinches a little at his empty voice.
She nods, exiting the room with a murmured goodbye, grabbing her coat and stepping outside, slipping it on as the cold winter air blows her hair back. Aphmau shut the door behind her and started her walk down the road. As guilty as she feels for lying to him, she can't go out in public right now, can't handle those staring eyes on her back, it makes her feel sick and ashamed. Being at home isn't much better these days.
Aphmau walks silently for a few minutes, the only sounds around her being the crunch of snow beneath her feet, with the occasional howl of wind. While lost in her thoughts, she reminisced on all that's happened to them, on everything they've been through as a group, how much trouble she's caused for the people that have done nothing but support her.. then, snapping her back to reality, she crashed right into someone.
“oh gosh! I-I’m so sorry, that's totally on me-” Aphmau scrambles back to her feet, apologizing frantically to whoever she just knocked over, before realizing who's currently in front of her. “Oh! Garroth!” She says, voice holding a hint of relief to it as she helps him onto his feet. “Sorry about that, I should've been paying more attention.”
Garroth shakes his head, smiling back at her. “No, you're fine. I was a little distracted anyway.” He responds, his usually loud and friendly voice, now calmer, more quiet and hesitant. Aphmau feels the little twinge of guilt in her heart again at that, but quickly shakes it off. “What are you doing out here? It's a little cold for a walk.” Garroth gently comments with a light, playful undertone to his words.
Aphmau smiles, softly laughing in response. “Ah.. yeah, I just thought I might clear my head, I don't mind the cold.” She says, her hands fidgeting awkwardly inside her pockets, trying to warm herself up a little. After a small pause of silence, Garroth sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “You’re shivering. How about you come inside for a minute and warm up?” He offers.
Aphmau hesitates. It's not fair for her to be out here playing around with her friend, while her fiance is inside all on his own, waiting for her to return.. Despite that guilt eating away at her, she nods anyways. She could use the change in scenery. So she nods, her lips curving into an unconscious smile. “Yeah, sure.. Been a while since we hungout anyway!”
Garroth nods, offering her a hand to keep her steady on the icey driveway, leading her towards his door. Aphmau walks into the house behind him, shrugging off her coat with a sigh. She rubs her hands together, enjoying the way the warm air surrounds her chilled skin. Pulling off her boots, she follows him into the main room, sitting down politely on the couch, her hands in her lap awkwardly.
Her blonde haired friend took a seat beside her, looking equally stiff, both a little unsure of what to say. “How's Aaron?” Garroth asks her. She grimaces in response. “Oh, he's…” Aphmau hesitates, defaulting to her usual avoidance of the question with a vague answer. “He's.. better. He's doing better.” She replies, her smile not meeting her eyes. He notices, but chooses not to say anything.
A moment of silence passed through them, Garroth's worried gaze making her stomach churn with guilt. “Aphmau..” he pauses, sighing and moving a little closer to her, his hand awkwardly hovering over her shoulder for a second. “I'm here for you, okay? Don't forget that.” He quietly says, feeling the way she trembles under his hand.
Aphmau was silent, a shaky exhale leaving her lips. It's not fair for her to feel this way, it's not fair for her to take comfort in his touch.. it's not fair for her to feel this warmth in her chest. “I just.. I'm sorry. I just feel like this is all my fault.” she whispers, voice shaky while she holds back tears. Garroth gasps softly, his hand gently gripping the side of her face, palm resting on her cheek so delicately, like she's a piece of glass he's afraid to shatter into a million little pieces.
“Aph.. you know that's not true. You didn't cause this, you couldn't have known any of this was going to happen. You know nobody blames you, right?” Garroth asks her, feeling his own heart clench a little at her pitiful state. His fingers brush against her face, eyes warm and understanding. Aphmau feels sick. She doesn't deserve his kindness, not when she's sitting here with feelings she hasn't experienced since high school, all while her partner is at home waiting for her.
Aphmau is unable to pull away, the warmth is addicting. It's been so long since she felt this feeling, she almost forgot what it felt like. She loves Aaron, but he hasn't been himself in a while, not the man she fell in love with. Aphmau loses her composure, tears slipping out from her eyes, voice watery. “I feel so terrible. I can't believe myself. I shouldn't be feeling so frustrated with him, he's been through so so much, and I was the one that caused the majority of it!”
At her soft sob, Garroth's eyes widen with concern, his hesitation disappearing as he pulls her into his arms. Her body shakes with each sob that leaves her mouth, face buried in the crook of his neck. “It's so awful of me. He's done so much for me. He *needs* me, and I just.. I-I can't handle it!” Aphmau sniffles, her weak cries muffled while she clings to him, hands gripping his shirt.
Garroth holds her tighter, his hand moving to pet her hair, attempting to comfort her in anyway he can. “Aphmau, it's not your fault that this happened to him.. and you're not wrong for feeling that way. This is hard for all of us.” He tries his best to comfort her, but his words don't seem to do much to lessen the pain she's feeling.
He lets her cry it out, silent for a few minutes while his fingers gently stroke through her black hair, feeling the soft strands slipping through his fingers. “I almost killed Zane.” Garroth says, breaking the silence. “I know it wasn't me, I know I wasn't in control.. but i still think about it, I still think about my baby brother so terrified of me. It scares me to know I was capable of that, even if i wasn't the one in control, it scares me to think that I could hurt him like that.”
Aphmau's sobs momentarily pause, tears still sliding down her face while she listens to his words quietly. “Garroth.. that wasn't you. You'd never hurt any of us on purpose, especially not Zane.” she shakily replies, sniffling and wiping away her tears. Garroth laughs in response, a soft, warm sound that makes butterflies dance in her stomach. “How is it possible that you can be so empathetic and kind to the people around you, but so hostile and cruel to yourself? Maybe you should take your own advice.”
His joking words cause a light heat to reach Aphmau's face, and she can't help but laugh a little in response. “Pulling out the old highschool charm on me now, huh?” Her voice is raspy and shaky from her crying, but there's an undeniable gratitude laced in it. For the first time in months, she feels like someone understands. Garroth's smile makes her eyes light up, and his gentle laugh makes her heart flutter.
Garroth doesn't say anything else, and neither does she. Instead, Aphmau silently adjusts her position, resting her head on his shoulder and curling against him. Garroth's arms wrap around her front, pulling her closer while his chin rests atop of her head. She can hear his heart beat, and it's calming. She's missed this, missed this feeling of warmth and intimacy..
Aphmau doesn't know how much time has passed, she doesn't check. She knows the moment she sees the hour, this moment will have to end, and she wants to make it last as long as she can. Her head tilts up to meet his gaze, those familiar blue eyes looking down at her. No words are shared as they move closer, her lips gently connecting to his own. It's soft, warm, and it feels right. It probably shouldn't, this is terribly wrong on so many levels, but she can't find the strength to pull away from him, her hands instead reaching to tangle in his golden curls.
Their kiss lasts just a few seconds, pulling away slowly with foreheads lightly pressed together. Neither of them speak—as if the smallest outside disturbance would destroy this moment they're sharing. The silence lingered between them, until Garroth lightly grabbed her shoulders, pushing her back just a bit. “You should head home now, Aaron's probably worried.” He mumbles, having trouble meeting her eyes.
Aphmau blinks, stomach dropping at the reminder of her partner back home. Irene, what was she thinking? She nods quickly, face burning with embarrassment. “Right. You're right..” her hands linger against him for a moment longer, till she reluctantly pulls away, eyes dropping down to her lap. “Um, sorry- I'll.. see you around.” She hastily says, attempting to stand up and leave, but Garroth's hand stops her, his calloused palm meeting her soft, scarred skin, thumb rubbing circles against the back of her hand.
“if you need anything, I'm here.” He whispers, the sound of his voice sending light shivers down her spine. Aphmau stands still for just a moment longer, squeezing his hand gently, before letting it fall from her grip. She turns away, worried that she might say something she'll regret if she looks back. “Thank you for having me, Garroth. Have a good night” Her words come out soft and fleeting as she walks to the door, exiting his home without another word shared between them.
The door shuts behind her, and Aphmau immediately feels the rush of all that went down hitting her at once. Aaron quickly passes her mind, her heart dropping into her stomach. This is something she'll never be able to take back.. and yet, as terrible as it is, she doesn't want to take it back. For now she'll return home, apologize for taking so long and make up an excuse about the store being busy, but she'll keep this moment. Amongst all the sorrow and loss, this little moment belongs to her, and it'll stay right where it is, there when she needs it most, safe in her heart.