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It seems to him that it's been going on for three hours already. No, really. And even if Ness would say without hesitation that one could look at Kaiser forever, there is a limit to everything.
The limit is how Kaiser drives himself into a corner. Destroys himself. Breaks himself, trying to make something else out of the fragments. It's not that this is anything new, but Ness has never encountered such a concentrated, poisonous desire before.
He watches as Kaiser stubbornly paves
(breaks through)
his way forward with childlike obstinacy, and for a moment allows his gaze to drop.
For some reason, he feels as if he is committing treason.
Ness kicks the artificial green grass under his feet, carelessly and lazily but as if on the verge of irritation. He suppresses the urge to be very pathetic right now.
(complaining)
He honestly wants to say something like, enough,
let's go
or something like, let's go home.
A small part of him breaks for the first time, revealing a new side of what he called his dream, what he cherished and protected. A small part of him cries out for a break that Ness has no right to allow himself. He could handle it. He always has. But he doesn't want that for him.
Every Kaiser's movement reveals silent that's not all.
I won't stop.
As if Ness should dissuade him, because now is the time to stop holding back. Maybe he wouldn't be such a traitor if he did it? Maybe he would make a deal with his dream without hearing the mocking words weakling from its mouth?
What would you choose? To fulfill your dream or to not let something very important to you break?
Ness never signed up for this. That's the truth.
He utters a hesitant enough. It's so weak and useless that it seems to get lost in the huge room after Kaiser's new kick of the Blue Lock's soccer ball.
Ness says a second enough when he finally moves and steps forward. You don't have to be too smart to understand this. If a person falls face down on the ground, unable to break the fall with their arms outstretched, it means they have already reached their limit. And anyway, Kaiser's face is too attractive to treat it like that.
Ness thinks about this for just a moment as he reaches out his hand to offer help. The artificial grass is quite soft, but if you hit it with your face, it won't be kind.
Please, let's go back to the locker room, Ness says gently and patiently. Kaiser, you're bleeding.
In fact, it's usual for him to be ignored when he's not in a good mood. For Kaiser, this is normal. Not letting anyone help him, being angry at the whole world. Ness doesn't comment,
(as always)
just lowers his hand, watches as Kaiser struggles to get up on his own and turns toward the exit.
The locker room is empty and quiet. The deep night makes this place seem a little special, and Ness remembers how many times they've come back here like this, late at night.
Not that these moments will be the happiest in his life.
Not that he wants to keep them in his heart.
To the dull sound of Kaiser's soccer shoes sliding across the floor as he sits down on the bench, Ness reaches for a bottle of water.
He kneels between Kaiser's spread legs with a quiet let me take that away, but is met with new stubbornness. And it hurts quite a bit when your wrist is hit with such force that the clean wet towel in your hand is not a towel at all but a terrifying murder weapon.
Kaiser's gaze is a sea of silent, cruel fuck off, I'll handle it myself. He irritably pulls at the elastic band at the back of his head, and his hair falls in broken strands onto his shoulder. Ness inappropriately thinks that the dark blue training Blue Lock uniform doesn't suit him at all, and then mentally smirks to himself.
He doesn't think he deserves anything like that right now, but the pain is still there in his wrist, an unfair reminder of many similar things before.
Maybe... something in his head isn't working right. Maybe normal people should want to fight back when someone hurts them. Even if he wanted to, Ness couldn't find that feeling inside himself right now.
So he just tries again.
(as always)
This time he reaches closer and gently places his free hand on Kaiser's neck, his fingers touching the tangled dyed hair.
(as if placing his hand in the open mouth of a beast)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Ness repeats three times in a whisper as he gently wipes the blood from Kaiser's broken nose. As if saying the words fewer or more times would cause something to go wrong, to fail.
I'm so sorry, Ness doesn't allow himself to add. And I didn't want you to get hurt.
He tries to move as gently and softly as possible. For some reason, the towel in his hand feels rough, even though a second ago it was soft and airy, and the fingers of his other hand feel the heat coming from Kaiser's neck, which suddenly becomes too noticeable, and Ness is overcome with fear, as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice water on him.
He is afraid to look up, afraid to meet those blue eyes because in a second he realizes that he is also on the brink. He feels special every time Kaiser allows him to take care of him, and at that moment Ness lowers his other knee to the cold floor, barely managing to keep from grimacing from another pain. Not physical but creating a persistent feeling in his mind that his heart is becoming too big and tightly squeezed by barbed wire, so similar to the drawing inked under the skin of Kaiser's left arm.
Most likely, this feeling turns into the very thing that pushes Ness closer. Even closer. It robs him of his ability to think about the consequences as he removes the stained towel from Kaiser's face to replace it with his lips and feel the echo of the taste of blood on hot skin.
It's probably very dangerous to cross the line like this at a moment like this, but when Ness remembers this, it's already a little too late.
He pulls away
(forces himself to pull away)
and looks at the pale red mark of almost completely wiped away blood left under Kaiser's lower lip. His breathing becomes heavier, barely having had time to calm down. He asks coldly, but with a clear hint of surprise: what the fuck do you think you're doing? And Ness closes his eyes. He squints as a hand flies up from the side. He expects a blow, but for some reason it doesn't come, and only the silence of the empty locker room rings in his ears.
For a moment, time seems to stand still. Ness slowly opens his eyes to meet a furious gaze, then feels Kaiser sink his fingers into the hair at the back of his head, gripping it at the roots until it hurts and pressing Ness's face into his own.
Ness gasps for breath. Forcibly and willingly. Because Kaiser kisses him himself, almost tormenting his lips roughly and wetly. Bitterly, but so eagerly that Ness allows himself to return his hand to the back of Kaiser's neck and, in contrast to his tight grip, sink his fingers into his hair with the gentlest and most affectionate movement.
When the kiss ends, Kaiser moves back just a couple of inches, still not allowing Ness to move. He looks into his eyes and calmly repeats his question. what do you think you're doing?
Ness's hand slides from the back of his neck to somewhere on his sharp collarbone under the dark blue fabric, and he says:
I'm sorry.
I love you.
He honestly tries not to sob or cry.
I'm sorry.
I worship you.
I'm sorry.
I will never stop believing that you are the best, and I will never give up until you believe it too.
There seems to be an elusive change in Kaiser's eyes. Or perhaps it is just Ness who wants to think so.
He waits for his feelings to tear open his chest, because it's so close. So close when Kaiser loosens his fingers in his hair just a little, not to let go, but to pull Ness's head to his shoulder in a feeble semblance of an embrace.
Maybe someday they'll be able to hug like that when they reach their goal.
Maybe someday one of them won't have to choose between fulfilling a dream and protecting something dear and important.
Ness gives in to these thoughts only because for a second it becomes easier to breathe. He wants to cling to the shadow of the person who has replaced everything for him. Not to let go of it for at least a little while longer, not knowing if he will ever be able to get it back for good.
Kaiser seems to guess what he is thinking when he casually moves away, not allowing the closeness to linger too long. Not allowing Ness to forget for too long where his place is.
Ness obediently submits, to wait until the next time, when his mind is again blown away by feelings, contradictions, and stupid, all-consuming adoration.
He knows that in the morning Kaiser will behave as if nothing has changed.
(as always)