Chapter Text
May 3rd, 1998
Voldemort - the madman that haunted him since he was a baby - was finally dead.
Harry Potter could still not believe it, all those months in that damned tent, all that work was for something! But every succes comes with a cost, this one being no exception. All those people who fought with him, for him even, and lost their lives - Fred, Remus, Tonks and so many more, it hurts to think about them when the memories of their corpses are still fresh in his mind. He thinks about the horcrux hunt, the final battle, it feels like such a waste of time, like it was just a nightmare that you would want to pass off as 'a very bad dream', but he knows it's not true. It still doesn't feel real, he doesn't feel complete, he has changed, and he knows why.
He died that day in more than one way, he was revived that day also in more than one way. The knowledge that the war was over did not keep him off the edge of despair, he felt lost, like being stranded on an unknown island after traveling for months. Harry still had no idea what he was going to do now, should he just... leave? He just wants to leave wizarding Britain and maybe find his deserved peace along the way. He wants to stay for the sake of his friends and, what he could consider, family who are also suffering from the aftermath. He, of course, doesn't want to abandon them at such a time, but doesn't he, of all people, deserve to be a little selfish? No, he decides he needs to stay here for the funerals, then he can decide if he wants to stay or leave.
He wants to blame Dumbledore for his confusion, he feels like the old man manipulated him, then left without any instructions on where to go and what to do. Harry would be completely justified to blame him, but Harry understands that the ex-headmaster just wanted some control that he didn't have when it truly mattered for him, when his sister was killed by a rogue curse in a duel that went out of control. Even though he understands why the man, who he has looked up to for years, did what he did, it still stings to know that he was sort of used as some sort of pawn in this ridiculous game of chess.
He just wants a normal, peaceful life that doesn't exist out of trolls, basilisks, deadly tournaments and dark wizards, the one he would have gotten hadn't it been for that damned prophecy. He may have fame and a decent amount of money, not enough to live off his whole life without working, but what he really wants, needs even, is some normalcy.
During his sixth year and the horcrux hunt he thought that Ginny might be the way to normalcy, she did give him a feeling that resembled it, she had the Weasleys as her family, she played quidditch, there was no one after her because there was a prophecy concerning her. He wanted to restart their relationship before his supposed death, but now he doesn't know if he still wants that. It would be unfair to her, he knows it, not seeing him for 9 bloody months, waiting for him, then knowing that the person she adores and maybe even loves, doesn't want to restart their relationship, it would likely crush her. But he needs time alone to find his way, she might even understand and actually support his idea, but he still feels guilty for setting her up for something great that might not even happen. He thinks that she should also take time to spend with her family and mourn the death of Fred, he was like a brother to Harry, but he understands that the Weasleys were much more closer to Fred than he was.
He thinks of Ron, his first best friend, the one who sacrificed himself, quite literally, in a deadly chess game, the one who stood on a broken leg to protect him from the supposed escaped prisoner and mass killer, Sirius Black, even after his mistakes - like in fourth year and in the horcrux hunt - he is still the fiercely loyal friend he has always been. Harry wonders what his life would be without Ron, but none of it matters right now, he lost one of his brothers and his whole family is torn. Even though Harry knows that Fred's death was not his fault, he cannot help it but feel a bit responsible that Ron and the rest of the Weasleys have to suffer, Hermione might've hit Harry on the head and calling him a 'noble prat' for even thinking that, but he couldn't bring himself to care about the possible consequences to his mental health. Ron deserves way better than this, he has risked his own life for him, and he gets a dead brother in return. It's unfair to everyone, that they need to fight for their way of life and then losing those important to them along the way.
He thinks of Hermione, his other best friend, the one who was so brilliant that she could solve riddles made for experienced wizards decades older than her, the one who never left his side even when it looked impossible, she also made mistakes - like telling professor McGonagall about his firebolt behind his back - but she never disappointed him. Harry sometimes wonders what he would be without her, it certainly wouldn't be 'the-man-who-conquered' or whatever the ridiculous titles the media gave him. It doesn't matter now, she had given up her parents for him, even though she reassures him that it isn't his fault, he cannot help himself but feeling like he should have done more. He knows he couldn't have done much for her in that situation, but that doesn't lessen his guilt, she reformed her parents memories and sent them to Australia. Hermione informed him once that it might not be possible to restore their memories, but he really hoped that wasn't the case. She deserves two loving parents after standing through thick and thin beside him.
He thinks about Teddy, the son of Remus and Tonks, his godson who he hasn't even met. Teddy is already like him an orphan, but he isn't going to let him down. He realizes that if he leaves, that he might be able to make some arrangements to contact his godson, because bringing him with him would be catastrophic to say the least. Harry wished he had stopped Remus and Tonks from getting into battle, maybe then their son could grow up with loving parents. He honestly wished he could do something now to help him, but a broken godfather and an orphan child isn't going to work. He knows he's going to love him, maybe even as some sort of son, but right now he couldn't play the role needed.
Harry needs to know the role in his life first before he is going to play another role. His journey isn't going to begin now, not when everyone, including himself, is figuring out where to go from here on out, but he will find his way to his everlasting peace.