Archive of Our Own ^beta

 

 

Tommy always thought of himself as a guy who knew himself. Pretty laid back with a healthy dose of curiosity combined with an equal amount of patience and a quiet way of getting things he wanted to happen, well… happen. Some might call it stubbornness; he called it determination. He knew his demons and the weird fucked up boundaries of his mind. He knew when to laugh at himself and when to pull himself up by the roots of his hair.

He was sure he'd know love when it came across his path, too, and what he’d go through for it and when to call it quits. He’d had his share of unrequited crushes or been the one who couldn’t give what someone else wanted. He’d always believed in the pure power of setting your mind to something, in moving on when whatever the fuck you were doing wasn’t good for you.

Well, that was before.

Before Adam.

Now, Tommy’s sitting in a quiet hotel bar in the wee hours of the night and looking deep into a glass of beer gone warm and stale. As it turns out, he didn’t know shit, least of all about love and when to call it quits.

He’s so unbelievably screwed and he’s clueless about how to fix it. He knows what he should do, what he needs to do. The thing he can’t wrap his head, or heart if you must, around is how to do it without falling apart. He needs Adam. Sure, his life was fine before Adam, not amazing like it is most of the time now but he got by.

The thing about Adam is that he instantly made Tommy’s life richer, more colorful and a hell of a lot more fun.  A few months after meeting Adam, he already loved him dearly. The falling in love came much later and kind of snuck up on him without him realizing it before it was too late.

So now he’s caught in the role as casual fuck buddy for a man he’s deeply in love with, his best friend, his fucking boss, who’s either clueless about Tommy’s feelings or who just doesn’t feel the same. Tommy honestly doesn’t know which one it is because Adam is not the type of person to toy with other people’s feelings at all, but truth be told, Tommy thinks he’s really fucking embarrassingly obvious when it comes to matters of his heart. He wears it on his fucking sleeve and Adam can’t, just can’t, be that blind.

So, yeah, as it turns out he had no idea about the lengths he'd go to for love, until Adam.

Hours of gazing into the golden liquid haven't provided him any solutions at all. So with a frustrated sigh, he uses a single finger to push the beer away. He slides off his stool and nods tiredly to the barkeeper as he bids him a good night.

Sleeping probably isn’t going to happen at all, but Tommy still takes the elevator up to the fifth floor. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the door to his room before unlocking it, knowing the sight that’s gonna meet him when he pushes it up.

He flicks the light on and ignores the fuck out of the bed and heads straight to the bathroom. He removes the last of his makeup, showers, brushes his teeth, sorts his toiletries and hangs the wet towels neatly on the heated towel rail. When he runs out of things to do to procrastinate, he admits defeat with a broken sigh.

The bed is a mess of rumbled sheets, and as he picks up his pillow from the floor, he’s hit with the lingering scent of Adam. Tommy crawls into the bed as naked as he left it earlier that evening, feeling just as unhappy as when he got out of it after Adam left. He lies down on his belly, trying to take up as much space as possible, stupidly hoping it’ll make the bed seem less empty. Without really wanting to, he buries his head in the pillow and inhales deeply, keeping the little scent Adam left behind inside him for as long as possible before exhaling. Idiotic move because the scent triggers the memory of their time together earlier. How he ended up lying on his front like this, Adam’s chest deliciously pressed against his back, moving with every thrust of his hips. Adam’s right arm between the mattress and Tommy’s chest, the left one over Tommy’s arms, holding him down, grounding him and making him feel treasured. How soft words of praise were whispered into the exposed skin of Tommy's neck along with kisses, and licks and bites made him feel owned in a way he’d never known before Adam. It felt like they were making love. Tommy was making love, pouring his heart and love into every kiss, sound or caress. Adam wasn’t. Never is.

And Tommy never learns; he just keeps fooling himself, hoping it’ll change. That someday Adam’s gonna realize what they have is special and real. Or as things are, what they could have.

But, as always, Adam rolled out of this bed earlier, cleaned them both up with that ‘I had a great time, baby’ smile and kissed Tommy slowly and lazily before sitting down on the edge of the bed to get dressed.

Scooting closer and snaking his arms around Adam’s chest possessively, Tommy whispered, “Stay,” and grazed Adam’s neck with his lips in a weak attempt to lure him back to bed.

Adam chuckled fondly and moved Tommy’s hands away. “You know I can’t.” Then turning to look at Tommy with an easy smile on his face, he pecked Tommy’s lips quickly. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Capturing Adam’s hand, Tommy tugged a little. “Just for tonight?”

Adam cradled Tommy’s jaw. “Don’t make this hard. You know I can’t stay here, Tommy. If I do, someone is gonna see me leave in the morning, and hours later, it’ll be all over the internet. You know this.”

“So?”

Adam laughed softly, shook his head and dropped his hand from Tommy’s face. “We’re not dealing with that. Not Perez, not the fans and especially not the few hateful bitches out there who have nothing better to do than to stir shit up.”

Looking at Adam pulling on his boots, Tommy carefully asked, “Why not? Are we doing something you’re ashamed of?”

“Of course not. But we’re just blowing off steam, and why is that anybody’s business but ours anyway?”

Why Tommy hoped for a different answer is still boggling his mind because he already knew. He still hoped though, and the rejection still hurt more than he’ll ever admit. Hoping to hide his true feelings, he put on a forced smile and tried to laugh it off. “Blowing off steam? I thought I was blowing something else entirely.”

Obviously it worked because Adam grinned and winked at Tommy on his way out of the room. “Night, Tommy Joe.”

Thinking back on those words, Tommy turns in bed and stares at the door Adam left through hours earlier. He can still hear the click the door made when it closed and Adam once again left him thoroughly fucked out, physically satisfied and utterly miserable at the same time.

That forced Tommy out of bed and downstairs because rational thinking is not really an option when staying in a bed that was shared with Adam. As he knows sleep isn’t going to be an option either, with a sigh, he checks the time. In two hours, they’ll all pile into the breakfast restaurant and Adam will greet him with a hug and ruffle his hair affectionately the way he’s done since their first time bonding over Velvet Goldmine and booze. As awesome as that greeting is, it’s not what he wants.

Tommy wants the boyfriend version, the one with kisses and groping, but at this point he doubts it’ll ever happen.

Something has to give soon. Tommy’s just not sure what.

One month and two hookups with Adam later, Tommy has just proved himself to be even more of a spineless wuss than he ever thought he’d be, because he’s done nothing to get out of the fucked up situation with Adam besides think about it. That, however, he seems to be so good at that even Adam is expressing concerns about the amount of Tommy-time he claims to need, even though Adam has always just accepted and made room for Tommy’s quirks without question before.

Slinging an arm around Tommy’s shoulder and pulling him in tightly to his side, Brian booms, “So are we going out tonight?”

Tommy doesn’t want to witness Adam’s fun on the dancefloor lead to something he can’t even contemplate. Last Saturday morning was hard enough when he unwillingly witnessed Adam’s little goodbye to the man who got to spend the night. So he fails to answer right away, too busy melting into Brian's embrace and just following him. The question was more for Adam and Terrance than him anyway. Terrance, Johnny and Ashley woop, which pretty much answers what they’ll be doing tonight.

Adam, leading the misfits down the hall, stops and waits for Tommy and Brian to catch up. He shoots Brian a quick look before his eyes settle on Tommy. “Tommy?”

Thankful that they’ve reached his room number, he detaches himself from Brian’s arm. “This is me.” he says and sends the door a pointed look before meeting Adam’s gaze again. “Nah, I think I’ll sit this one out.”

“Again? If you’re not careful you’ll turn into a grumpy old man before your time.” Terrance says, his tone of voice teasing but his eyes full of understanding and empathy.

Tommy can’t decide whether to hold on to the love he feels for Terrance in that moment or to the resentment and self-loathing he feels towards himself because he’s in the receiving line of that kind of look. He does know what Terrance expects him to do, so he grins as he flips him the bird and says, “But I’ll be a pretty, grumpy old man. So fuck you,” which has Terrance laughing.

Brian laughs at that too and pats Tommy's arm before leaving to catch up with the others. Adam lingers but Tommy expected him to. He saw Adam's frown before, so he’s ready for the soft voiced, “Baby, are you okay?”

“Sure,” Tommy replies easily, unlocking his door. Instead of inviting Adam in, he turns in the doorway and looks up at him.

Adam snorts softly. “That’s not an answer. What’s going on in your head? You’ve been all think-y and distant for a while now.” Adam settles a broad, warm hand on Tommy’s lower arm, squeezing lightly. It’s meant to reassure and bring comfort, Tommy knows this. His body, though, still stubbornly ignores the friend memo and immediately goes all Adam. And fuck that shit, because as happy and ready as his body is to do whatever Adam might think is a good idea, his heart clenches equally hard knowing Adam is just being his good friend self and it hurts. The body/heart war is probably painfully clear because Adam lowers his voice even further, almost whispering.  “You’re starting to really worry me.”

“I’m fine, Adam. I just have some stuff I need to sort out in my head.” says Tommy semi-truthfully. He’s far from fine but he certainly does need to sort his shit out.

With a tiny headshake, Adam makes it obvious Tommy’s fooling no one, least of all Adam. “I’m here if you want to talk. I’ll tell the others to go out without me, and then we can figure out whatever’s on your mind. I don’t like to see you like this.” There’s another squeeze and a searching look filled with affection and patience, both making Tommy want so much more.

“I know but… you don’t have to do that. Honestly, I need to do this on my own.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t care how busy I am, I will make time for you if you need it. Just say the word.”

“I’m sure.”

Adam heaves a sigh and says, “Okay, baby,” and Tommy knows he’s off the hook this time around.

When Adam leans in, Tommy closes his eyes and revels in the quick brush of soft lips against his temple. “See you tomorrow at breakfast.”

“Yeah.”

He thought he’d spend the evening and night in solitude, but because Ashley is awesome and loves him as well as knows him, she fakes a sudden headache and knocks on his door five minutes after the others are out of the hotel and into the night.

“Hey, T-Bone. I didn’t think you should be all alone tonight.” she says and brushes past him the second he opens the door, wiggling the beers she’s got hooked by the neck.

He smiles and closes the door, happy that she knew he didn’t really need to be alone as much as he just didn’t want to be going out. Good friends are such a fucking gift.

Because they both need it, they end up on Tommy’s bed, propped up against every pillow in the room and the headboard. Ashley’s tiny body is pressed closely against his; his arm around her neck and her head resting on his shoulder. The TV is on but for the first couple of hours, they talk over whatever it is that’s showing. At some point their words run out, and Ashley gets caught up in a documentary about African wildlife. Tommy’s heart corrupts his brain, which immediately figures that, yeah, it’s totally time to linger on all things Adam. Stupid brain should try to focus on how to break things off instead of analyzing his every move in hopes of finding proof of a love that isn’t there.

Tommy startles when Ashley kisses his jaw and laces her fingers with his. “You need to talk to him, tell him how you really feel.”

He doesn’t want to have this talk but he knows he’s not getting out of it. “I did, remember?” He glances down at her to get confirmation and she nods. “I’ve done it more than once, too. He doesn’t believe me.”

She lifts his hand and kisses a knuckle. “Sweetie, drunken love confessions doesn’t count. Everybody knows that.”

“Ash…”

“Tell him and do it while you’re sober.”

Tommy sighs. “He doesn’t want to know. He’s perfectly happy with how things are.”

“You don’t really know that unless you tell him, do you?”

“If he wanted what I want, he wouldn’t have let last week’s fuck stay the night, would he?” Tommy bitterly replies.

“Shit, he did?” Ashley asks with an incredulous yelp. Tommy doesn’t even try to mask his feelings. She knows what there is to know about his and Adam’s deal including the ridiculous no staying the night rule.

She hugs him around the waist, tight and long, and he returns it needily. “Wait. How do you know that?” She pulls out of the hug and stares at him. “You didn’t go out with us so…?”

“Adam and I sorta had brunch plans that morning. I was too early; I guess they were a little late. Not that it’s important, what’s important is that I’m Adam’s sure thing.”

Sadness and disappointment, maybe even a little anger blooms in his chest as he vocalizes what’s been going on in his head for the first time. “It’s my door he knocks on when he’s too tired to go clubbing but still wants to get off. It’s the easiness of our friendship and my fucking willingness that brings him back to me. It’s not love. It’s sex. I’m a fucking hole when he needs one.”

Ashley’s eyes are huge and filled with disbelief and empathy. “You know that’s not true. He adores you! No one brings a smile to his lips like you do. No one. You know he loves you.”

Tommy nods. She’s right, which is why he naïvely keeps hoping that someday the love will evolve into Adam being in love, like it did for him. “Yeah, he loves me alright. Just not the way I love him.

“I still think you should tell him. Make it obvious what he’s missing.”

“You don’t think I’m obvious?” Tommy asks with a sardonic laugh, adding a twisted kind of humor to it all because he has to, to survive it. “Everyone knows because I can’t contain it. How long did it take you to figure it out? Hours?”

Ashley offers him half a smile. “Maybe a couple of days.”

“Bullshit,” Tommy says forcefully; he’s making a fucking point here. “Isaac told me you asked him the first day if you imagined things or…”

She shrugs noncommittally, but it’s enough to get him going again.

“I’m trailing behind him like a lovesick puppy. I orbit around him, letting him pull me in, and you know what? It’s not really all that healthy. It’s not okay to live on quick fucks and tiny moments of his undivided attention. It’s fucking embarrassing, is what it is.”

“There’s nothing embarrassing about being in love, and you’re the only one who gets any undivided attention. He doesn’t make brunch plans with the rest of us unless it’s a group thing, not even with Terrance. That’s gotta mean something.”

Tommy snorts. “That he’s not dicking Terrance when it’s convenient?”

“Christ, Tommy. Did it ever occur to you that he might be just as messed up as you about this? We all get the ‘hands off Tommy he’s mine’ possessive thing he does when Brian or Terrance touches you.”

“That’s a joke, and you know it! And do you really get that ‘messed up’ vibe from him?”

“No, but Adam is good at masking his feelings when he doesn’t want people to know.”

“If he’s keeping things hidden, then why does he laugh it off when I tell him how I feel? Fuck. Last time I did, he even left with someone who most definitely wasn’t me.”

“I don’t know, Tommy. I just think that if you have a sober heart to heart, you’ll know for sure. That’s the only way you’ll ever be able to move on.”

“What if that conversation leads to him deciding he can’t handle having me around? That he doesn’t want to deal with my heartbreak. Then what, Ash?”

“Oh, Tommy, you silly man. That’ll never happen and you should know it.”

“But what if it does? Then I’ll lose everything I love.”         

Ashley doesn’t keep arguing. Tommy almost wishes that she would. Though, with that expression on her face, she looks like she's pondering something. What she does is lean in to kiss him and then pat the mattress. Tommy scoots down, and she snuggles into his chest. It feels good, good enough that when he puts his arm around her again, his brain finally agrees to give him a much needed break and somehow that leads to falling asleep.

Around 4 am, Tommy stirs and finds himself with his arms full of Ashley. “Ash? Honey?” He rouses her gently with a light touch to her cheek. She blinks a couple of times before really focusing on him. “Shit, how late is it?” She asks, voice rough with sleep.

“So late it’s really fucking early.”

She yawns so wide her jaw makes a popping sound and rolls out of bed. It’s tempting to just faceplant into his pillow and go back to sleep, but his mom taught him better manners than that. So he follows her to the door. A hug and a kiss later, he shoos her out of it.

He tries to go back to sleep again but it doesn’t happen. Damn his fucking manners. He should never have gotten out of bed in the first place; actually he shouldn’t have woken Ashley up. It felt so damn good to be cuddling, to have that kind of closeness.

Four hours later, he drags his tired ass down to breakfast. Not because he particular wants it, but because, if he doesn't, any minute Adam will start calling him every five minutes until he shows up for the ‘most important meal of the day’. Besides it’s not like he can’t hear the coffee calling him anyway, and he wants to see Adam.

Adam is the first thing Tommy sees; he’s at the buffet neatly piling fruit on a plate. When he sees Tommy, he puts down the plate and opens his arms. Tommy moves into the embrace, breathes Adam in without thinking. Like always Adam voice carries a smile when he murmurs, “Good morning baby.”

Tommy’s tiredly mumbled, “morning,” prompts the usual hair ruffle, which leads to the usual flutter in Tommy chest.

Adam waits for Tommy to get his coffee and a bit to eat, and then they walk over to the table reserved for Adam and his entourage. Judging by the rest of the tired looking bunch of people, last night must have been fun and wet. Tommy smiles wickedly to himself. No hangover for him.

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Adam asks and puts a grape in his mouth.

Tommy nods and says, “Some,” his hand reaching for his coffee when Ashley slides into the chair next to him and smacks him a loud good morning kiss.

Apparently good morning kisses make Terrance snicker now. “How’s the headache? Feel better?” he asks Ashley with a devious glint in his eyes.

“Yes, I’m good, thanks.” Ashley says, the same fucking spark in her eyes. Tommy feels the hair on the back of his neck start to stand. This can’t be good.

“Tommy helped you with that?” Terrance’s voice is dripping with innuendo. He puts his chin in his hand and gives Ashley an insanely interested look.

With panic rising in his chest, Tommy sends Ashley a ‘what the fuck’ look before his gaze darts to Adam who raises a brow in question. Something flashes in the depths of Adam’s eyes, but it’s only there for a fragment of a second, and Tommy has no idea which emotion triggered it. Whatever it was, Adam got it under control because all there is to see now is mild interest.

Tommy is just about to open his mouth to explain, or deny, but Terrance's next words stop that in favor of Tommy staring helplessly at Ashley.

“’Cos someone got busted sneaking out of his room very early this morning.”

Ashley doesn’t deny it. She smirks and winks at him. Tommy feels sick to his stomach and looks pleadingly at Adam and shakes his head in the negative. “We fell asleep watching TV, we didn’t-”

Adam lifts his teacup and says in an easy voice, “Who you sleep with is none of my business.”

Tommy sinks back in his chair. Anger and jealousy were bad because Adam has no reason to ever feel like that but those emotions were a fucking indication that Adam felt something. This, this indifference is much worse. Tommy feels nauseous, and there’s no way in hell he can form words right now with how tight his throat is.

“Ashley is gorgeous. I was kinda expecting it to happen. You two have this great energy together,” Adam says evenly, and it sounds like he’s giving him their blessing or something. Tommy can’t look at him, every word is a stab in his heart and he can’t let Adam see that.

“Nothing’s going on, Adam,” Ashley explains. “It’s like Tommy said. We’re just messing with him because Terrance saw me leave Tommy’s room when he came back from his night out and teased the fuck out of me. I thought it was only fair that Tommy got his share of the teasing too. If Tommy and I had something going on, I wouldn’t sneak out in the middle of the night anyway. I’d waltz out the next morning, bragging about my catch, because I’m subtle like that.”

Tommy feels ashamed. He's never wanted Ashley to pick sides, but those words proved that she obviously has. Even though Ashley kept her tone light and joking, Tommy had no problem hearing the sharp edge, the blame, in her words and he wonders if Adam did too. Tommy has no idea if Adam did, or how Adam reacted if he did. Tommy’s too busy hiding his feelings from Adam, so when he lifts his gaze it’s to meet Terrance’s, not Adam’s. Terrance sends him a weak smile as an apology; obviously he reads Tommy like an open book.

“Adam, I need you over here,” Dana demands and unknowingly saves Tommy from further humiliation.

Once Adam's gone, Ashley starts to apologize. “Tommy I’m… I thought a little teasing would make him react differently… a little possessive or something. I just wanted to prove to you that he’s invested too. I’m so sorry.”

“He’s not, so why would he feel possessive?” Tommy chokes out, past the lump in his throat.

“Because-”

“You can’t still think he’s in love with me?! I think he just made it perfectly clear he isn’t. Don’t you? So can we not talk about this?”

Terrance gets up from his seat and goes to sit on Tommy's other side. Wordlessly he wraps an arm around Tommy’s shoulder and Tommy leans in, gratefully absorbing the comfort he offers.

Next to him Ashley promises him quietly, “Yeah, sure, I won’t bring it up again.”

Relieved Tommy thinks that’s that. No more poking around in his sorry excuse of a love life.

He's wrong.

At sound check Adam grabs him by his wrist and drags him away from the rest of the band and into a secluded corner. As he’s pulled across the stage, the whole scene reminds Tommy of an ex-girlfriend who used to do the same thing whenever she got jealous. What’s really fucked up is that Adam isn’t doing it out of jealousy, Tommy’s pretty sure he just wants answers, or possibly to know if Tommy’s okay. Even more ironically is it that she, unlike Adam, probably had very good reasons for her jealousy.

It strikes him how pathetic it is that he was never all that faithful before he fell for Adam who doesn’t feel the same. How fucking sad it is that for the last six months he’s been getting less sex than ever before, because being in love for the first time apparently equals monogamy for him. Adam would probably call the situation karma or some shit.

Which makes karma a bitch.

“About this morning…” Adam starts the minute he’s blocked Tommy from the rest of the world; though Tommy figures Adam’s intention probably is to block the rest of the world from Tommy. “You looked like a deer trapped in headlights. Do you have a crush on Ashley? Is that what you’ve been hiding from me?”

Tommy presses the heels of his hands against his eyes and groans. He fucking knew this was going to happen. “No,” he says and drops his hands. Adam is standing so fucking close that Tommy can feel the heat coming off him, along with the scent of Tokyo Milk, and underneath that something that’s all Adam. It’s so fucking ridiculous how Adam just owns him and Tommy knows, he knows it has to stop. He somehow manages to force a gulp of air into his lungs, and on a rushed exhale, he starts what he should have done months ago. “I’m not hiding. I’m trying to work out how to…”

Adam’s face changes expression from sort of demanding to sympathetic when Tommy starts explaining, and Tommy just knows Adam won’t hear him out before trying to assure him that everything is gonna be okay.

Adam proves him right. “I hope you know that I’d never stand between you and Ashley. Or anyone else for that matter.”

Tommy sighs violently and looks at anything but Adam. “It’s not like that. It isn’t! I haven’t even thought about anyone else for at least six months.”

Steamroller Adam is in full swing though. He’s so busy trying to make things right that he isn’t listening to what comes out Tommy’s mouth. Adam talks right over Tommy. “You’ve got to know that I’d back off immediately. As fun as it is when we do our thing, I understand the limits of a friend-with-benefit deal. I want you to find love with some gorgeous woman, not to keep fucking around with me just because. You don’t have to worry about getting my approval, Tommy. You deserve to find love.”

“I fucking did!” Tommy exclaims harshly which stops Adam’s word vomit effectively.

They stare at each other, searchingly, for a long time, but Tommy can’t read Adam at all. Somewhere deep down a tiny hope that Adam finally got it right springs to life.

“So you are in love with her?”

“No,” Tommy says, tiredly and brokenly, stomping every last bit of hope down. “And I’m not fucking around either, if anyone is doing that it would be you.”

The confusion on Adam’s face would be cartoon material if it weren't ripping out Tommy’s heart. “What are you saying? Do you want to stop fooling around or not?”

“I…”

Adam has just handed him a way out on a silver platter, and Tommy can’t fucking form the words to take it. A simple yes is all he needs to say. He doesn’t have to explain any further, just say that fucking yes. But he can’t. He doesn’t want to stop, not even a little bit. Does he need to? Fuck yes. But yes means not even getting the tiny bit of Adam that he has now. He’s so fucking gone over Adam that he’s willing to take whatever Adam offers.

Adam doesn’t push for an answer; he just backs up a step and waits, not even looking at Tommy but at the wall behind him. For the first time ever, it feels like there’s miles between them.

“I think-”

“Okay, you two, back to work. I know he’s gorgeous and all that, but the pretty guitarist has work to do, so stop keeping him from it,” Brian says laughingly and claps Adam on his shoulder. Tommy could kiss him for the distraction that puts off the decision he can’t seem to make.

Adam turns to look at Brian with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “In a minute.”

“No, it’s fine. We were done anyway,” Tommy says and tries to move around Adam to follow Brian. Adam has other ideas though.

A hand is put against the wall and a demanding, “Tommy,” from Adam keeps him in place. Fuck.

“No, really, we’re good,” Tommy says at the exact same time Adam growls, “Brian, we need a fucking minute. Get lost.”

Brian looks back and forth between them with an openly curious gaze, and Tommy can’t really blame him. Adam’s tone is far from a daily occurrence. The pointed look from Adam makes Brian retreat back to the band though.

Turning his attention back to Tommy, Adam’s expression softens but he looks a bit guarded too, like he’s keeping a tight grip on his feelings. Tommy thinks it might be annoyance that they were interrupted but forgets all about that when Adam says, velvety soft, “if you want to stop, all you have to do is say it. I don’t want to mess things up for you with Ashley.”

Tommy can't believe his ears. After three drunken love declarations and this, Adam’s still caught up on something thrown over the breakfast table, something that was denied and explained. It makes it painfully clear that Tommy doesn’t really have a decision to make. Adam made it with his ‘not looking for love just fun’ rule before they even started fooling around.

Tommy lifts his gaze, and Adam meets it with a weak but reassuring smile. “Yeah, maybe I need out,” Tommy whispers.

Adam nods, like that was exactly what he was expecting Tommy to say, and then he pulls Tommy into a hug. Tommy clings to him, already regretting his words.

“Now that wasn’t so hard was it?” Adam murmurs into Tommy’s hair. “I don’t want you to ever hide stuff like that from me, silly. I happen to love you which means going to great lengths to make you happy. Even letting you off the hook.”

Tommy squeezes his eyes together to make the burn pricking behind them fade. Adam sure can pick the wrong words. With his face against Adam’s chest, he forces his mouth to make words. “Can we get back to work now?”

“Yeah, baby, we sure can.”

They’re all watching them when they get back, some more subtly than others. Tommy ignores all of them but Ashley. Meeting her eyes, he mouths it’s over. She sends him a look that speaks volumes; he has no doubt he’ll be drowning in her cuddles later. He’s thankful for that.

It’s not like Adam and Tommy hooked up that often, and with the way the hollow, numb feeling in Tommy’s chest still expands and grows, nothing really changes all that much in the following weeks. Adam treats him the same, hugging and kissing him and being his usual affectionate self, and Tommy still wallows in it.

The only thing that really does change, aside from the fact that Tommy isn’t getting laid at all, is the way Tommy quite often feels Adam’s watchful eye on him, especially whenever Ashley is close. Tommy has no doubt that Adam is analyzing their every move and reading way too much into it. It makes him want to throw things, preferably hard ones, at Adam’s thick skull. Since that’s not a very mature way to go about being annoyed and hurt, he restricts himself to rolling his eyes. Sometimes Adam catches him doing that, and they share a look Tommy can’t ever decipher. There's a weird mixture of confusing ambivalent feelings in Adam’s eyes, but then Adam always gives Tommy a broad toothy smile, and Tommy forgets everything because his fucking heart soars. Every fucking time.

They’re busy doing their thing, traveling and performing, which helps time move along. Two months pass but Tommy still very much misses the physical connection, misses being with Adam to the point where he’s thinking that maybe he should just go out and get spectacularly laid. Maybe sex with someone who’s not Adam could be the way to kick Adam out of his fucking heart.

So he goes out with the gang.

Ashley is all dressed up, looking like one hell of a good time, and Tommy wishes they could feel something other than friendship for each other. They could have been good together.

He doesn’t plan to end up walking next to Adam with Adam’s arm draped over his shoulder. It just happens. The same goes for when they get inside the club and find a place to sit. He didn’t want to end up next to Adam on the sofa; he went out to get away from Adam, but he’s helpless against Adam’s pull on him.

Ashley wants him to dance with her and he even considers it, just to put space between him and Adam, but it takes him too long to answer. She knocks down a shot of whiskey and grabs Brian’s hand to drag him out on the dancefloor.  There are plenty people dancing but it’s far from crowded, so Tommy can watch them as they move sensually together to the beat of the music. He groans when he catches himself looking more at Brian than Ash. Brian is actually kind of sexy. Huh. He wants to beat himself up because when the hell did this fascination with guys, plural, like not just Adam, happen. He’d been so naïve when he thought he had his life figured out. So unbelievably naïve.

He feels Adam’s eyes on him, and knows Adam is, yet again, trying to fit pieces together that just don’t. He refuses to meet Adam’s gaze and keeps his eyes on what's happening on the dancefloor.

Ashley keeps dancing while Brian works his way back to them, and Tommy follows his movements instead of Ashley’s.

“She’s gonna be the death of me,” Brian moans and slinks down next to Tommy. Their thighs slide against each other’s when Brian reaches out for Tommy’s beer. It’s far from the first time that has happened, but a new possibility follows the touch somehow and it’s not even connected directly to Brian. It’s more the revelation that maybe the action he’s determined to get tonight doesn’t have to be of the female kind.

Tommy grins wickedly. “Yeah, she’s amazing, wild.” They both turn their heads to look at her. She’s now dancing with a guy who's a head taller than her. He’s got a firm grip on her hips, a thigh between hers and she looks like she’s enjoying herself immensely.

“Oh damn.” Brian laughs. “That sure didn’t take her long.” Tommy shrugs and steals his beer back; he’s sure he’s not the only one in need of a little sexytime.

Adam stays quiet next to him. Tommy can almost sense Adam’s brain trying to sort out what he’s watching. When Adam finally says something, his words are galaxies away from what Tommy expected to come out of his mouth though. “Does Ashley know about you and me?”

Tommy almost chokes on his beer. “What?”

Adam doesn’t get a chance to answer before Brian laughingly meddles. “Of course she knows; we all do. You didn’t really think you were being that subtle, did you?”

Tommy’s feels his face heat up, and Adam’s snappy tone isn’t really helping his embarrassment at all.

“No I didn’t. It was never a secret to the people we care about.” Adam focuses his piercing blue eyes on Tommy, who just wants to disappear. “I meant, does she know you broke it off?”

Desperately wishing he knew where Adam was going with this, Tommy nods carefully. Brian on the other hand makes a weird sound in his throat and squeaks, “What? When did this happen?”

Without ever taking his eyes off Tommy, Adam flaps a hand in the air, effectively shutting Brian up. “That’s fucked up. C’mere, baby.”

And just like that Tommy is towed off to the dancefloor. Seconds later, Adam’s body is pressed against his. Tommy’s body commits high treason and overrules his brain and he goes pliant, following Adam’s lead. Every move Adam makes is a demand Tommy can’t deny. Being in Adam’s arms like this is everything at the moment. It makes Tommy breathe easier. Knowing it means nothing to Adam but a provocation doesn’t matter. When Ashley spots them, she sends Tommy a ‘what the fuck are you doing’ look that has Tommy feeling defiant but he still ends up looking away. He can’t defend being a needy little bitch.

When he doesn’t want to look at Ashley, Adam hisses a low “Hell no.”

It feels like they’re moving in slow motion when Adam lifts Tommy’s chin, and when Adam leans down to brush his lips against Tommy’s, it’s a question. It’s the first time ever Adam has asked permission like that, and stupid as Tommy is, the answer is apparently always going to be yes. There’s no way he can hide his arousal when Adam’s all over him; he doesn’t even want to. For all the wrong reasons, he just wants to hang on to the mindblowing feeling of Adam.

Twenty minutes later they stumble into Tommy’s room, frantic hands everywhere, losing their clothes on their way to the bed. Tommy’s head is spinning with want, caught in a maelstrom of images of all the amazing dirty things he wants Adam to do to him.

They fall onto the bed, limbs tangling and pillows bouncing around them. Impatiently Tommy shoves most of the pillows down on the floor, creating space for Adam and him to roll around in.

“Are you sure you want this?” Adam asks before diving down to take Tommy’s mouth in a bruising, fucking perfect kiss. When they break it, Tommy is panting hard and shallowly.

“Yeah, you idiot. C’mon, give it to me.”

Adam does and it’s a wild ride of passion, laughter and burning want. It is heartbreakingly amazing how perfectly they just meet each other’s needs and how well they fit. It’s always like that, and it blows Tommy’s mind to a million pieces.

And then Adam ruins the afterglow completely. “This was a bad idea,” he says, sounding so goddamn sorry.

“Fuck you, Adam,” Tommy says and throws an arm over his eyes. It’s a stupid attempt to hide from Adam. He doesn’t want to see whatever is on Adam’s face right now, and he certainly doesn’t want Adam to see right through him. “Why?” he asks a minute later.

“Ashley,” Adam says.

Tommy clenches his jaw so hard his teeth starts to hurt while waiting for Adam to continue. Adam remains dead silent though, so Tommy finally grits out, “Ashley isn’t a fucking problem. I’m sure she’s getting some tonight too.

“I don’t exactly know what’s going on between the two of you but I’m sure this isn’t helping anything.” Adam sounds tired, exhausted actually, and not in the ‘I just had the best orgasm’ kind of way. Tommy lifts his arm just enough to sneak a peek at him from under it. He can’t really see Adam’s face though because Adam's staring up at the ceiling.

Tommy sighs. “It’s not like that. We’re just friends.”

Adam laughs humorlessly, “Yeah but so are we, and I know first-hand that doesn’t mean you can’t get hurt.”

Confused and a tiny bit hopeful Tommy rolls onto his side. Putting his weight on his elbow, he rests his head against his hand. He looks at Adam searchingly. “What do you mean by that?”

Adam doesn’t meet Tommy’s eyes -- he keeps them fixed on the ceiling -- and it takes him forever to answer. “Just that… I hurt if you hurt. I see it in your eyes, Tommy. It’s been there for a long time. I know it’s none of my business, and that you’re both grownups, but she really should appreciate you a little more.” Adam heaves a deep sigh and rolls out of bed.

Tommy’s heart thumps heavily in his chest. “Like you do?” he asks guardedly.

“Yes, like I do... Just with the difference of you never having been mine.” Adam states the last part like it's an undeniable truth and goes to the bathroom, leaving his answer hanging in the air.

Tommy reaches for the tissues on the nightstand and cleans up the mess on his belly. Then he goes to search for his underwear. He needs to keep his hands busy, because if he doesn't, his mind will spin out of control.

When Adam returns from the bathroom, he starts picking his clothes up from the floor and Tommy sinks back onto the edge of the mattress. “I am, you know, yours.”

Adam’s head snaps up, but he continues getting dressed. “For a while you gave it all to me, yeah, but you were never really mine. We never promised each other anything.” Adam pulls on his jeans and zips up, and Tommy knows he’s running out of time before Adam is out the door again. Tugging his shirt in place, Adam continues, “I hope you’ll get the chance to work it out with Ashley. When I kissed you tonight, I wanted to piss her off. I didn’t expect us to end up here.”

For a moment Tommy is speechless, and then anger rises. “Right. Because kissing me has never led to this kind of shit before! ” Tommy sourly replies.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what, exactly?”

“For trying to fix something I have no right to stick my nose into and then quite possibly making it worse.”

“You can’t fix what isn’t broken in the first place. Ashley and I are perfectly fine. Seriously, sometimes you make me want to strangle you in your sleep. I’m not even kidding. I wish you’d just open your eyes and see what’s right in front you.”

“And what’s that?” Adam asks, sitting in the nearest armchair to put on his boots.

“Me, goddamn it,” Tommy says too softly for someone who's clinging to his anger.

Adam goes completely still for half a second, and Tommy sees something akin to sadness in his eyes. “I see you, baby. Don’t think I don’t. Sometimes I think you’re all I see.”

“Meaning?”

“Nothing,” Adam denies and closes his eyes. When he focuses on Tommy again, Adam’s gaze is painfully unexpressive. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You’re sure as hell making me miserable right now,” Tommy mutters. He wants to add a heartfelt fuck you too, but he just doesn’t have that much fight left in him.

Adam puts his hands on his knees, as if he doesn’t know where to put them. “What do you want from me, Tommy?”

“I want you, asshole.” So he had a little bit of fight left in him after all.

Adam’s smile is strained and painful, and it breaks Tommy even more. “You have no idea how much I wish that was the truth.”

“The hell?” Tommy hisses. Apparently a shattered heart is a really fucking good motivator for anger. It burns through his veins and runs straight to his head, bringing the loud noise of blood rushing too fast in his ears. “That’s the most condescending shit you’ve ever said. Do you really think I’d be all over you if I didn’t want you?”

Adam looks like Tommy just bitch-slapped him across the face. “That’s not what I meant. I-”

Tommy’s not done yet though, and for once, he isn’t letting Adam stop him from getting it all out. “When are you gonna get it into your fucking head that I’m in love with you? I don’t want Ashley, or anyone else for that matter. I want to be with you.”

The thought that Ashley would be proud of him for laying it out so openly skitters through Tommy's mind right before he starts preparing for the rejection that will inevitably follow.

Adam gets up from the chair and starts to pace the floor. Tommy watches him as he runs a hand through his hair in a frustrated movement. Adam’s whole body seems so tightly wound with tension that when he speaks in a soft tone, colored with an obnoxious arrogance, it’s a complete contradiction to his body language. “Bullshit, Tommy. That’s just your fucked up gratitude and loyalty speaking. Don’t think I don’t see how you look at her.”

And there it was. The same crap Adam's used before, except now with Ashley as an addition. Awesome. Tommy deflates completely and he lets Adam see everything he wants to see when he pushes off the bed. He goes to the door, opens it, and looks Adam right in the eye. His voice is broken, displaying all of his feelings. “Please just… leave, Adam. I can’t… just leave.”

Adam nods and has the decency to look pained. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs when he brushes past Tommy.

“Yeah, whatever.”

The next morning is awful. Ashley and Adam are glaring daggers at each other. Tommy is caught nicely in the middle, trying his best to ignore the way his stomach is tying itself up in painful knots. Terrance is seven kinds of clueless as to what happened because he didn’t go out with them, but he’s sensitive enough to know something is way off and he keeps sending Tommy inquisitive and worried looks.

Tommy feels like the thin thread keeping him from a total meltdown is stretched and vibrating right in front of his nose, tight enough to snap any second and all he can do is wait for it to happen. Totally unexpectedly, the rescue comes from Brian. It’s painfully disguised as a shopping trip, which has Tommy reeling, until Brian shoots him that look that says ‘shut up and trust me’. It works at rehearsal and it works now.

Tommy mutters a low “excuse me,” when he pushes his chair back to follow Brian, who’s leaving the room with long strides. Adam and Ashley both look so surprised they appear to forget they’re pissed at each other. 

Tommy and Brian are half way across the room before Terrance catches up with them. He stops Tommy with a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, what’s going on?”

Tommy shoots Brian a short questioning look. He gets half a smile in return, but it’s a reassuring one. Brian isn’t in a hurry to leave, and Terrance isn’t holding them back. “I slept with Adam last night,” Tommy admits quietly.

Terrance grimaces, and Tommy hates the pitiful searching look that follows. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“It not like it’s the first time it's happened.” Tommy dismisses the question with a tiny shrug of a shoulder.

Terrance isn’t having any of that though. “But not since the beneficial deal of your friendship ended.”

“Yeah, well, shit happens you know?!”

Subtly, Terrance inclines his head towards the table Tommy just left behind. “True, but why are those two giving each other the stink eye?”

Tommy huffs. “Ashley is disappointed in me,” he pauses and Terrance nods in understanding. Relieved to see no judgment in his eyes, Tommy continues, “and she's angry at Adam for toying with me. Adam thinks that’s what she’s doing too, so he’s pissed for the same reason. It’s so fucked up.”

Again Terrance nods, his gaze leaves Tommy to land on Brian then darts over to Adam across the room. A thoughtful frown wrinkles his forehead. “Do you want me to try to talk some sense into him?”

Before Tommy’s able to school his features, he feels his brows rise in disbelief. “Do you really think you can?”

Terrance snorts and shakes his head in the negative. “Sutan might… or Neil?”

Next to Tommy, Brian chuckles lightly. He might not know Sutan or Neil all that well yet but he knows enough. If he wasn’t at the center of this mess, Tommy would have been the first to snicker, but right now, he just feels a little annoyed with Brian. “But neither of them are here, and if they were, he’d just say they haven’t been around so what would they know?!” Tommy says with a sigh. He can feel Adam’s gaze on him, and he’s powerless when it comes to resisting the pull of it. Tommy’s breath hitches when he looks at Adam. There’s sadness and regret written all over Adam’s face.

Brian’s hand at the small of Tommy’s back is what causes him to break free of Adam’s hold on him. “None of that matters,” Brian says. “What matters is getting you out of here and back to breathing normally. C’mon, pretty.”

Terrance reaches out and squeezes Tommy’s lower arm gently then goes back to his breakfast.

“Can we do that while not shopping?” Tommy whines.

Brian’s laughter booms loudly and lifts the mood significantly. “Tell you what. You indulge me in a little shopping, and I’ll let you pick out dinner and a horror later. How about it?”

Tommy pouts like a boss. “So that’s a no?”

“That’s a hell no. You’re coming with me even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming’.”

“I’ll deserve something better than watermelon and M&M’s for that. Just saying.”

 

Later, Tommy is lounging in a comfortable leather armchair. Tired and content he looks up from his iPhone, and though he hates to admit, it he grudgingly does so anyway. “I had a good day.”

Brian raises his gaze from his phone and meets Tommy’s over the low table between them, over the sad remains of the delicious sushi takeout they shared half an hour ago. They’re both too lazy and comfortable to do anything about that, so the beer bottles, empty plastic trays and small tubs with sauces are going to stay put for now.

Brian’s smile is gentle, the look in his eyes sharp. “Did I manage to take your mind off things?”

“Yeah,” Tommy says and drops his gaze to his iPhone again. “Well, most of the day.”

Brian’s soft hum sounds wondering. “I guess I’ll allow myself to call it a success then.”

Tommy nods and looks back up, but Brian is already lost in the world of the internet again. This kind of comfortable silence is something Tommy used to share with Isaac, and suddenly he’s overwhelmed with homesickness. He loses a couple of minutes staring into the air, wishing Isaac was with them.

Brian snaps his fingers loudly and yanks Tommy out of his thoughts with brutal efficiency. “Hey, where did you go just now?”

“I miss Isaac.”

Brian narrows his eyes and asks bluntly, “Because he’s not here or because he’d help?”

“Both?”

“You know, if you ever want to talk? I’m here.”

“I know. Terrance and Ashley too. Actually Ashley is demanding I talk more than she’s offering to listen.”

Brian laughs softly at that and chews on an M&M while giving Tommy a demanding ‘go on’ look similar to the one Ashley is the queen of.

“I miss him because he gets me… I don’t have to turn myself inside out for him to understand. Isaac is very good at letting me be me and at being there when I need him. He doesn’t do much actually. He’s just there, you know.”

Brian plants his feet on the floor, and his elbows on his knees. He leans forward and folds his hands in front of him. The look on his face is so serious that Tommy braces himself for whatever’s coming. “I’m not Isaac, but like I said, I’ll listen if you want to share. I’m also not good at keeping my mouth shut when people I care about are hurting. So I’ll toss in my two cents now and you can, of course, disregard my advice if you want to. Okay?”

Tommy hums his agreement and puts his iPhone away.

“I think you need to get a little away from him, Adam, you know? Put a little distance between you and him. You need to find your footing one way or the other, and space might be exactly what you need. We're going home in three days, and then we have most of next month off, so maybe you should claim that time for yourself?”

Tommy considers it, the pros and cons and all that. “Maybe that’s a good idea, but I don’t know how to do that without hurting him. Ever since the day we met there hasn’t been a day where we haven’t texted. There have maybe been two or three weeks where we haven’t at least seen each other for a drink. So if I cut him off completely for a month, he’s going to take it to heart. Besides he’s throwing that ‘going away on tour’ party the week before we actually go. Imagine the mess that me plus booze could turn into after not seeing him for almost three weeks?”

“Because you missed him?”

Tommy shrugs. “And because he missed me. You’ve seen us, how handsy we are even with no intentions and no booze involved.”

“I honestly think you should try anyway. Texting is fine, but go out and do stuff without him. Fuck a pretty longhaired brunette just as a rebound. Play pool with Mike or whatever, as long as it’s without Adam.”

“Yeah maybe,” Tommy says because Brian is right and Tommy damn well knows it.

“And maybe you should bring a date to Adam’s party.” Tommy draws in a huge gulp of air, but Brian stops the words from rolling of the tip of Tommy’s tongue. “No, wait, hear me out. I know you’re not ready to date date. And even if you were, starting something before going off on a tour would probably be plain stupid, but a casual date with someone you can trust-” Brian stops talking when Tommy throws himself backwards in his chair and runs his hands through his hair.

The second Brian’s voice falters, Tommy asks, “And who would that someone be?”

“I don’t know. I bet there’s a sweetheart in your circle of friends who wouldn’t mind… Liz?”

“I can’t ask her that!” Tommy exclaims horrified. That would be like Adam asking Tommy to be his fake date. “Besides, she’d see right through me and she’d tell me she won’t play that kind of game.”

Laughter and mischief sparkles in Brian’s eyes. “So, just like the rest of us, she doesn’t think Adam would be happy if you brought someone else?”

“I guess so,” Tommy admits carefully, not knowing what more to expect from Brian.

“We can’t all be wrong, you know,” Brian says knowingly, and a smirk spreads on his face.

Tommy sighs. It seems like it always comes back to this. He gets up, feeling a little disappointed, and starts clearing the table, hoping Brian will clue in on how little he wants to go there. Brian does grow quiet, and when Tommy looks at him, he’s sprawled in his chair, flipping through something on his phone.

The second Tommy returns to his chair and digs out his phone, Brian breaks the silence. “You know what? I have this friend of mine. He’s a real sweetheart and he got dumped brutally by what he thought was the love of his life two months ago. He’s absolutely not looking for anything serious, but I know for a fact it would do him some good to get out and see something different than the confines of his apartment.”

Everything in Tommy goes off in red alerts. “And?” he asks warily.

“I think you should meet him,” Brian says sternly, then adds in a thoughtful, quiet tone as if he’s mostly speaking to himself, “I’ll introduce you two, yeah.”

Tommy groans, but Brian nods to himself before pinning Tommy to his chair with a determined look. “If you hit it off, you can bring him to Adam’s party.”

“Um…” Tommy wants to object, say that Adam really is the only guy he’s ever even thought about dating and that he isn’t sure he’ll ever feel that way about any other man. Then he remembers his thoughts from the night before when he was watching Brian dance with Ashley, and his protest dies.

“Listen, Tommy, he’s really not ready for anything serious, maybe not even a little fooling around.” Brian goes off, defending his idea, obviously thinking Tommy is hesitant for other reasons. It dawns on Tommy that Brian doesn’t have a single reason to question Tommy’s bisexuality. He joined the band long after Tommy and Adam started hooking up. The realization that Brian isn’t even thinking of Adam as Tommy’s exception in any other way than being the man Tommy happens to be in love with leaves Tommy blinking owlishly while Brian continues to try and convince him of his idea.

“…and neither are you but that doesn’t mean meeting someone new can’t be fun or even exactly what you need. You might make a new friend and have a good time with someone who’s not Adam, and if it leads to something more, then so be it. I know this is a man you can trust, Tommy. He’ll never ever run to the press or something stupid like that.” Brian sends Tommy a challenging look and then adds, “Live a little.”

And that’s how Tommy ends up agreeing to go out for a beer with Brian and his friend when they get back home.

He’s not all that sure if he thinks it’s a brilliant idea but he’s all for making new friends, and having a buffer between him and Adam at that party might actually make things easier.

Apparently Brian wasn’t kidding about introducing Tommy to Ben, and he works fast too.

The very first day after coming home, Tommy is unsuspectingly dragged out to one of Brian’s usual haunts and a beer is put in his hand. It’s an evening Tommy fully intended to spend in his bed, hiding his head under his pillow. So he assumes the PBR in his hand is Brian’s way of either trying to deflect his pitiful longing for solitude and his bed or rewarding for actually showing up. Both ideas are thrown away when, mere seconds after Tommy is handed his bottle, a tall man in an expensive looking suit wraps Brian in a bone-crushing hug. Tommy instantly knows who it is. With a frown, he drinks a few gulps of what he now recognizes as weak attempt to apologize in advance.

Tommy is very good at fading into the wallpaper when it suits him. Right now it does. He stays quiet and lets them greet each other. This also provides him with an opportunity to study Ben a little before their attention is turned on him. Tommy can’t for the life of him see why Brian would think he and Ben would hit it off. Ben looks like the poster boy for everything Tommy’s not.

As it turns out, Benjamin Alexander Warming III is exactly the sweetheart Brian told Tommy he was. Despite his fancy European roots, which apparently involve a distant royal bloodline, he’s one of the most earthbound people Tommy has had the pleasure of meeting in quite a while. He’s handsome but not in the turning heads kind of way that Adam is. He isn’t a person who captivates people within five minutes, but once he gets talking, he reveals a wicked sense of humor. He’s downright funny.

Brian is anything but subtle in the way he leaves them after an hour, but that’s okay because an hour in Ben’s company has Tommy’s stomach aching from laughter. It feels incredible and Tommy is definitely getting the vibe that Ben is having just as good a time. It feels nothing like a date setup more like stumbling into a new friendship and that makes Tommy relax.

They end up spending half the night talking over drinks and peanuts, and though they both know why Brian set them up, neither of them bring up the topic of boyfriends or the lack thereof.

Somewhere around midnight Tommy drunkenly realizes that the easiness with which he’s sharing stuff with Ben is very similar to how his friendship with Adam started. That sobers him, fast, and almost has him running for the hills.

Ben sees his panic though, and with warmth in his brown eyes, he asks what’s making Tommy look like that. The directness of it all has Tommy explaining before he can hold it back and that’s how he learns all about Ben's sucky love life too. The odd thing is that restores the feeling of being safe in Ben's company, and Ben clearly feeling just as safe in his.

That night leads to others. They agree on a strict ‘this is not a date’ rule every time, which they both seem to want. It’s cool, and there’s something so exciting and time-consuming about getting to know a new person that Tommy finds himself thinking less of Adam than he thought he would.

Sadly that doesn’t mean he doesn't miss Adam like crazy. He does and they text a lot, more than usual, but that’s mostly because Tommy never informed Adam of his intention to spend time without Adam. So whenever he dodges Adam’s phone calls, Tommy later types a lame text where he apologizes for not answering. Those texts lead to a series of ‘how are you?’ and ‘I miss you’ and a bunch of random stuff that makes Tommy miss Adam even more. The first week and a half, Adam lets him get away with it. Then he starts asking what on earth Tommy is so busy with. Tommy texts back that he’s busy seeing friends and family. Rehearsals and the tour are coming up and he won’t be spending time with them for a while and so on. It’s not exactly lying, he is doing that, but that's never before meant he didn’t answer Adam’s calls.

Two weeks after meeting each other for the first time, Ben asks Tommy for a favor. Tommy can’t find it in his heart to say no, which means he spends an evening at a party that neither of them feels the tiniest bit of desire to be at. Ben has business obligations there he can’t get out of, and his ex is there too. Tommy being Tommy, he can’t help himself one little bit when he sees the hurtful looks Ben keeps throwing his ex. So he plays the slightly possessive new boyfriend for a while, which has Ben smiling again. Tommy smiles back because Ben is so adorably easy to steal smiles from and who doesn’t appreciate a little positive attention and kissing is awesome. Tommy used to think that you should kiss as many people as you possibly could, kissing is that awesome.

Before Adam.

Now, even when it’s totally just to make Ben feel better and his ex regret ever dumping Ben on his firm ass, Tommy thinks of Adam’s kisses. The sigh he releases because of that prompts Ben to ask questions, and the smile Tommy caused now dies an immediate and sudden death when Tommy confesses how much it reminds him of a similar situation with Adam.

The next night Tommy is in a too expensive restaurant, being pampered with a delicious dinner. Which is kinda silly but Ben wanted to make it up to Tommy so there he is. Tommy isn’t complaining though. He’s being thoroughly entertained with crazy little anecdotes from Ben’s work day when a text lights up the screen on his iPhone. Unable to ignore the flash of light, Tommy glances at it and catches the words: Just wondering, since you’re that busy seeing family and friends but still have no time for me, where do I belong? :(

Knowing that Adam’s unhappy makes Tommy feel miserable, but he turns the phone over so the back is up in an attempt to focus on the man in front of him. Ben is not easily fooled though, and with a mild smile, he nods towards the phone. “You can answer that.”

“It can wait.”

“So can the joys of marketing.” Ben says and reaches for his wineglass. He sips his wine and looks pointedly at the phone.

Tommy allows himself a second before trying to compose a message that will make Adam happy again but he’s not good with words like that. He settles on: Both! Idiot. And hits send. He keeps the phone in hand a bit longer than absolutely necessary but he kinda hopes Adam will respond right away. Adam does. :) aww, love you.

Embarrassed Tommy realizes that the text has him smiling from ear to ear, and that Ben is watching him with open curiosity. He still thumbs a hurried, you better. I’m awesome then, with great determination, he puts the phone away.

Tommy is feeling shy but he doesn’t try to hide his smile when he meets Ben’s curious gaze.

“Adam?”

Tommy shrugs. “Yeah.”

Ben smiles and clinks his glass against Tommy’s and then picks up the story he was telling before the interruption. Tommy has fun. And much later, when Ben excuses himself, Tommy checks his phone and there’s a new message from Adam saying: the most which makes Tommy ridiculously happy.

On his way home, he calls Adam. He probably shouldn’t do that but he’s tipsy and happy and he wants to hear Adam’s voice. This time it’s Adam who doesn’t answer, and okay, he kinda had that coming but it still hurts and it kills his happy little buzz.

There is a special little lady in Tommy’s life that he never, no matter how much time he spends with her, gets enough of: Bridget.

She’s the most amazing, beautiful and adorable little person he’s ever met and not many things can compare to spending time with her. He’s on the floor, his legs pretzeled Indian style and sipping non-existent juice from the plastic cup she keeps insisting on refilling. Lisa and his mom are preparing lunch and moving around in the kitchen. They don’t even seem to notice the chaos Tommy and Bridget have created with various versions of wooden or plastic crockery and food. It’s actually kind of an amazing dance the two grownups are doing, given how much in the way Tommy and Bridget are.

Tommy smiles into his cup. He loves his family so much. Sure they can be very obnoxious too, especially when you’ve failed to actually mention you’re in love with your boss. Tommy suspects Lisa knows and is just waiting for him to slip so she can tease him mercilessly for a decade. See, in his family they’re not all that good with boundaries, never have been, which Tommy has always thought was sort of awesome. Well, until Tommy’s phone starts buzzing on the dinner table. He doesn’t think of leaving his playtime with Bridget. He doesn’t even think of telling his sister or mom not to answer it. So of course Lisa grabs it, wiggling her wrist and giggling. “It’s your boyfriend.”

Tommy squeaks, “don’t,” but his obnoxious big sister is unstoppable, and with a knowing and oh so mischievous look in her eyes, she coos, “Adam,” when she answers the call.

Tommy’s heart does that silly flip flop in his chest when he senses more than hears Adam’s voice talking back to Lisa because Adam. Fuck. He should have muted his phone before putting it on the table, where had he left his brain. Also, Lisa knows; the look in her eyes says as much. He wonders how long she’s known for sure, and with that thought, his eyes skip to his mom who’s staring right back at him. She has that look on her face that tells him she knows too, that she’s waiting for him to tell her and that she’s a little bit hurt that he hasn’t done it yet. He’s so fucked.

Lisa chatting up Adam gets pushed to the back of his mind. Tommy and scrambles off the floor and goes to hug his mom. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

She hugs him back fiercely and whispers, “All I want is for you to be happy, and you ought to know that, kiddo.”

Tommy squeezes her tightly. “Of course.” He pulls back and looks her in the eye. “That’s not why- it’s complicated, that’s all.”

His mom holds his gaze for a while, and Tommy lets her look until Bridget demands his attention back. Clearly she wasn’t too fond of her uncle leaving his spot on the floor because she’s wrapped around his leg, looking up at him with huge brown eyes. Tommy’s heart swells, and he reaches down for her.  She immediately releases his leg and holds up her arms for him. Lisa moves toward them, and Tommy can’t help listening to her side of the conversation she’s having with Adam.

“We’re good. Mom’s having us all over for lunch, and Bridget is playing with her favorite uncle. Speaking of, you Mister, better take really good care of my baby bro when you drag him off to tour the world.”

Whatever Adam says in response to that has Lisa smiling affectionately. “I know, I know,” she says softly and sends Tommy a mild look. Then she nods and says, “Sure, Adam, here he is.”

As Lisa hands Tommy the phone, the mild gaze in her eyes develops a spark of sass and she emphasizes each word slowly. “He wants you.”

Because he knows she only intended to tease him, Tommy sticks his tongue out at her and hopes she didn’t zone in on how much those words hurt. He turns his back on all three of his ladies and sets off for the living room and greets Adam with a neutral “Hey.”

“Hi there, stranger. What are you doing later?” Adam asks sunnily.

Tommy sinks down on the couch and pinches the bridge of his nose. Shit. “How much later?”

“A couple of hours?” Tommy can literally hear Adam getting ready for Tommy to turn him down and he feels like he’s about to kick a puppy. It’s not fair; it’s really not. Tommy is the one fighting to get on with his life, to prove to himself that life is gonna be good without the two of them being joined at the hip, and Adam’s the one sounding like it would equal a death sentence.

“Mom’s making lunch. After that, she has stuff for me to do. Also I promised Bridget we’d go feed the ducks at the park when she’s done napping.  I think it might be past dinner time before I’m home again.”

Adam sighs, and the sound is nothing but misery. “Okay... so tell me... how are things with Ashley? You haven’t mentioned her at all since we got back home.”

Tommy leans back and rests his head on the back of the couch. Somehow he finds the strength to not echo Adam’s sigh. Adam would read the wrong thing into that anyway. “Haven’t talked to her in almost three weeks, but I’ve told you we’re fine.”

“I hope so…” Adam replies gently. “Listen, if I push things around a bit, maybe we could spend some time together tomorrow?”

Kicking a puppy twice is bad, but Tommy actually has plans with Ben. Even though it’s a brunch thingy, they tend to end up on a couch playing games, watching movies and generally chatting all over whatever it is they’re doing. “I’m sorry. I have plans.”

“Busy being busy?”

Tommy really can’t keep doing this if he’s gonna keep his promise to himself. If there’s one thing that’ll make Adam back away, it’s mentioning the word ‘date’ so that’s what Tommy does. “It’s kinda a date thing,” he says and instantly regrets saying so, because really, it isn’t. He just needs space.

“Ohmigod, why didn’t you just say so?” Adam promptly asks and when Tommy doesn’t answer instantaneously Adam rushes to the next question. “With Ashley?”

Staring at the ceiling Tommy mutters, “No, someone else.”

Adam goes completely silent. Tommy doesn’t fill the silence, he waits for Adam.

“Oh, I see.” Adam finally says very quietly, and if Tommy were the kind of guy who believed in miracles, he’d jump to the conclusion that Adam sounded pained. But Tommy isn’t, and Adam probably just spent hours singing and needs to rest his voice or something.

Adam clears his throat. “Well, at least I’ll get to see you in a couple of days. You are coming to my party, right?”

“Of course I am,” Tommy says softly, but he rolls his eyes at the ceiling. He promised Adam he would long before they came home from their ‘not tour’ in Asia, and so far Tommy hasn’t broken a promise to Adam, ever.

His mom's voice almost startles him so much he almost jumps out of his skin. “Lunch is ready,” She informs him. She’s leaning against the doorframe in a casual way that implies she's been there for a while but didn’t want to interrupt.

Adam chuckles. “I heard that. I better let you go. Say hi to your mom from me.”

Tommy nods to his mom in acknowledgment that he heard her and says,“Adam says hi,” to satisfy Adam’s request too. Adam awws when Tommy returns his mom's greeting and then ends the call. “Bye, baby. Have fun on your date.”

“Bye, Adam.”

Going into the small hallway, his mom asks curiously, “You’re going on a date tomorrow?”

“Sorta,” Tommy says and makes a mental note to call Ben and tell him about the mess he just made. He knows Ben’s gonna make it into something to laugh about and that sounds so appealing right now.

“With whom?” his mom probes.

“His name’s Ben.”

His mom stops abruptly and she looks like a giant question mark. “Oh. But I thought-”

Tommy knows exactly what she thought and that she thought “-wrong. Like I said, Mom, it’s complicated.”

Understanding mixes with confusion in her eyes. “But you want to be with-”

Tommy shrugs and interjects one more time. “He doesn’t, so…”

His mom nods, and with a short but strong hug, she leaves the subject alone. The lunch is a nice, cozy affair, and the way Lisa doesn't mention Adam at all tells Tommy she overheard their talk in the hallway.

No boundaries equals trust, an immense amount of it, and that’s what makes no boundaries awesome. His mom and sister know they can poke around in his life when they feel like it, listen in on his conversations, or answer his phone without asking first. However, they also know when to leave it alone and let him come to them without having to tell them to back off first. His pace might not be the one they’d prefer, and they might be a little hurt by how long it takes him, but none the less he knows they’ll never violate his need to keep quiet and think stuff out before talking to them. His family is awesome.

It’s not until long after his and Ben's brunch has ended, and they’re kinda absorbed in Red Dead Redemption, that Tommy mentions that if anyone asks, their brunch today was a date. Ben hits pause and raises his brows questioningly, laughing lightly. “I guess you don’t put out on second date?”

Tommy snorts and puts the controller down. “Nope, not until the third.” He stands and throws Ben a look. “Want a beer?”

“Not if it’s that cat piss you call beer. Oh and when’s our next date, pretty?” 

Tommy shows him his middle finger and leaves it up to Ben to decide if it was for bashing his PBR or picking up Brian’s endearment. “You’re in luck. Mike bought Corona yesterday.”

He’s busy getting the beers out of the fridge when he remembers Brian’s idea about bringing Ben to Adam’s party. “Um, actually it would be kind of awesome if…” he trails off and opens the beers before returning to Ben.

Reaching out for his beer, Ben prompts. “If?”

“If you tagged along with me to Adam’s party?”

They click their bottles and drink. Ben’s eyes are shining with mirth when he puts his Corona down. “Only if you’re gonna put out.”

Tommy splutters beer everywhere, which sends Ben into a giggle fit. “Duh!” Tommy grins when he’s done wiping his chin clean of PBR.

Tommy fetches a cloth to clean off the table and couch. When he’s done, Ben asks in all seriousness, “You really want me to come with you?”

For a second, Tommy doesn’t know what to answer. He just stands there, cloth in hand, feeling like a guppy out of water. Moving carefully, he sits down on the edge of the sofa. “Yes, it’ll be like when I went with you to that party with your ex, right?”

Ben looks at Tommy for the longest time. “I wasn’t asking because I thought you wanted a real date with me.” He smiles warmly and lifts his hand, reaching out to gently free Tommy’s lower lip from where his teeth are abusing it. Tommy lets him.

“I was asking because, when you did this for me, I knew my relationship was over. Despite how heartbroken I was, and still am, I didn’t want Alex back. I know I deserve better than him.”

Tommy doesn’t say anything, but he nods to show Ben he’s agreeing as much as listening.

“I know you want nothing more than Adam; I know because you can’t talk for five minutes without mentioning him. I know because you light up whenever you get a text from him and start to fret if he doesn’t reply right away. I could go on a mile a minute about all the signs I see about how much he means to you. What I want to know is: do you think it’s really a smart move to drag me along to a party of his? A date isn’t really signaling availability, you know?!”

Breathing a whole lot easier, Tommy nods. He knows, and that’s exactly what he wants. “If I’m available, it’s for a quick release, not the boyfriend experience. The old fuck buddy routine isn’t enough for me.”

“Of course, it isn’t enough. You deserve so much more,” Ben says confidently. Tommy offers him a shadow of a smile and takes the damp cloth to the kitchen. Ben’s voice follows him. “So you wanna play hard to get? Is that it?”

Tommy turns, halfway choking on a laugh because of the absurdity of that. “Fuck no. Adam would see through that in a second. I’ve never been hard to get around him. If anything, I’m easy. Too easy.” Tommy tosses the cloth in the general direction of the sink. “What I think is, since I’m so fucking easy, I need Adam make the decision I can’t, and if he thinks I’m dating someone, he won’t start something. He’s a total gentleman like that.”

Tommy plants his ass on the sofa again, pulls his knees up and curls his arms around them, feeling pathetic.

“Oh Tommy. What’s gonna be stopping you if you get horny and liquored up on tour?” Ben’s eyes mirror the concern in his voice.

Tommy shrugs. “I never make the first move.”

“So your great plan is to suffer in silence on tour? And really?” Ben asks, astonished. “Why not?”

Again, Tommy shrugs. Not because he wants to show indifference, but because he's honestly never thought about it. “Dunno. Adam’s kind of a force of nature and I never feel like I have a claim on him… It’s… I don’t know why. And yes, that’s my plan.” Tommy says, kind of getting lost in his own mind for a minute.

Ben looks satisfied and a little bit smug, like he’s making a point of getting Tommy to question things. “That breaks my heart. Maybe you should have? Claimed him as yours, I mean.”

“Maybe,” Tommy admits.

“What time do you need me to be ready? It’s tomorrow night, right?”

Tommy nods. “The band is expected to show up earlier than the rest. Around six I think. Adam’s making dinner for us- Oh wait, maybe I should call Adam and ask if it’s okay to bring a date.

Ben laughs gingerly and echoes Tommy’s, “Maybe.”

Tommy sticks his tongue out and fishes his iPhone out of his pocket. He gulps down a mouthful of beer while finding Adam in his contacts.

Adam doesn't answer his call. Neil does, with a barked out, “Lambert.”

“Neil! Hey, why are you answering Adam’s phone? Fuck, I did call Adam right?!” Tommy laughs because, fuck his life, it would so be like him to tech fail this hard.

“Yes, of course you did, and he told me to answer it.”

Tommy can only imagine how Neil is rolling his eyes at him, but that’s okay. The mental picture is so strong and vivid it makes Tommy grin. Neil is best when pretending to be pissy.

“Apparently I’m  his receptionist/PA again, and we’re not even on tour,” Neil complains.

“Tough job but someone’s gotta do it. So toughen up, bro.”

“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one answering phone calls from bottle blondes.” Harsh words but Tommy hears the affection in Neil’s voice even though Neil’s probably trying his hardest to hide it.

“Love you too,” Tommy coos, which has Neil producing gagging sounds. Tommy snickers. Neil is high up on the list of people Tommy has been missing for too long. “What’s the HBIC doing?”

“Decorating, which apparently now means ordering people around from the middle of his living room,” Neil says with an overly patient tone of voice before dropping it down to an extremely sorry excuse for an apologizing one. “I’m so sorry, but that seems to be even more important than you. Go figure.”

“I’m sure it is,” Tommy responds stoically. “If you can get a word in edgewise, could you please ask him if it’s all right if I bring a date?”

Neil is quiet for, like, two seconds before laughing. “I’m granting that wish. My reward will be watching him choke on his jealousy. I’ve earned that right. Please tell me she’s pretty?”

Tommy sneaks a peek at Ben, who of course looks right back with poorly hidden curiosity. “He’s very handsome,” Tommy confides. An entirely too smug smile spreads across Ben’s face. So Tommy kicks his shin for good measure, which is the reason he takes a few seconds to pick up on Neil’s silence. “Neil?”

Neil clears his throat. “Sorry, I was checking the calendar to see if I missed my birthday. I didn’t, huh?!  Wow! Why are you gifting me with such awesomeness now?”

“Funny.” Tommy says with irony.

“I think it could be.”

“I think I’ll leave you to your… gloating?” Slightly embarrassed, Tommy can only imagine the jokes at his expense that Neil is going to have ready tomorrow. Tommy knows he wouldn’t hold back if it was the other way around, though, and if you can dish out, you can take it. “And don’t forget to tell Adam that you okayed this. He’s gonna feel so bad if the table isn’t set for one more. See you tomorrow?”

“Absolutely,” Neil says cheerfully.

Tommy was utterly stupid thinking that one little month out of Adam’s path would make a damn difference. That much is obvious when he ends up almost vibrating out of his skin in anticipation of seeing Adam by the time Ben comes to pick him up. It’s a good thing Ben is driving because Tommy’s fairly sure his already less than stellar driving abilities would suffer greatly under the influence of Adam withdrawal. He’s so screwed.

Ben gives him one thorough look and pulls him into a hug.

“I need you to distract me, okay?” Tommy whispers into the crook of Ben’s neck.

“Okay.” That’s all Ben says, but it’s enough.

Driving up to Adam’s house is like sweet torture. Tommy can’t keep still, his leg is bouncing because there’s no way he can contain all the energy that's winding up his body. Ben puts a warm hand on his knee, and Tommy offers him a weak smile. His touch takes the edge off, and Tommy isn’t the only one who notices that, thank fuck.

The minute they’re out of the car, Tommy is back to leaking feelings all over the place. Ben grabs his hand, and stupid as it is, that grounds him a bit. He can’t help being a tactile fucker. He blames his mother and her endless supply of hugs throughout all his life for that.

The front door is wide open, and the sound of joyful chatter and laughter filters out to them. Tommy doesn’t bother knocking on the door. He sends Ben a smile and tugs him inside Adam’s house.

Brian is the first to see them, and without drawing attention to them, he comes to say hi. Hugs are shared, a bit of teasing goes around, and it all feels so familiar and good. Tommy can’t help but rise on his toes, trying to see if Adam is anywhere near.

“He’s in the kitchen,” Brian says quietly, side-eyeing Ben, who sees it and chuckles.

“It’s not like that," Ben says. "I'm just here for moral support.”

Brian looks a tad disappointed at that, but Tommy can’t be bothered. Adam is emerging from the kitchen with a ‘kiss the chef’ apron on, and if that’s not adorable, what is.

Adam sees Tommy immediately and rushes to put the bowl of salad on the table. He hurries across the room, and seconds later, Tommy is wrapped up in a tight embrace with his head buried in Adam’s neck, shamelessly letting all his senses absorb every possible bit of Adam.

The hug goes on forever. “Tommy Joe, don’t you ever plan to spend three weeks without making room for me in that busy calendar of yours again, you hear me? Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

Tommy laughs, overly happy. “I can feel that. You’re kind of crushing me here, dude.”

Adam eases up on the hug and pulls back enough to press his dry lips to Tommy’s forehead. And if it wasn’t for the subtle noise of someone clearing their throat, Tommy would have forgotten all about the world around them. Maybe Adam would have too, because he looks kind of lost when he turns towards the sound.

Brian made it, but it’s not Brian that Adam is looking at with confusion. It’s Ben.

Tommy disengages himself from Adam’s arms. “Adam, I’d like you to meet Ben.”

Adam’s eyes narrow, and a frown appears on his forehead before he puts on the smile Tommy usually only sees around fans.

“Ben, this is Adam.”

Adam slowly lifts his hand to greet Ben. His eyes run up Ben’s body in a rattled but thoughtful way before he sends Tommy a slightly judgmental look. Tommy might not give a fuck about fashion but being around a style monster like Adam has taught him enough to know that, even though Ben is dressed casually tonight, he's still wearing a ridiculously expensive outfit that doesn’t match with Tommy’s worn tee and skinny jeans. Whatever.

Before Tommy knows it, he’s once again caught in a Lambert hug. Grinning, Tommy asks Neil if receptionists/PA’s are paid in dinner parties nowadays.

Neil clasps Tommy’s shoulder. “Fuck that. I earned it. Besides I probably cooked more of this dinner than Adam did.”

Tommy believes that. Neil releases Tommy and turns towards Adam and Ben. “You weren’t exaggerating, Tommy. He is handsome. Nice catch,” Neil says loud enough for Adam to spin around, something dark and dangerous flashing in his eyes when he looks at his brother. Neil meets Adam's stare head on, and Tommy realizes that Neil probably failed to mention Tommy’s date was a man. Confused Tommy stares at Neil, but Neil is caught up in a wordless pissing contest with his brother.

A hand closes around Tommy’s and tugs lightly. Tommy looks down and sees Ben’s fingers slide in between his own. “Come on, pretty. Introduce me to the rest of your extended family.” And yeah, Tommy can so do that.

Ashley is all smiles and gentle touches, and for once, she doesn’t urge Tommy to talk. She welcomes Ben into their little group with a smile Tommy finds to be just the wrong side of smug. Rick is an endless supply of generous rumbly laughs in Ben’s company. Terrance, who without a doubt has got the biggest and softest romantic heart ever, keeps sending Tommy these small encouraging smiles whenever Ben touches Tommy, which is often. Tommy sort of asked for it but not for the reasons Terrance seems to think. So he grabs Terrance and pulls him aside, explaining why Ben is there.

Terrance’s eyes grow huge and kinda sad before seeking out Adam in their midst. “I hope you know what you’re doing, boo,” he says quietly and loops an arm around Tommy’s middle.

To Tommy’s confusion none of them, not even Neil, comments on the fact that Tommy’s date is a man. Which is just odd. And then there’s the way Adam looks at Tommy, like he wants to steal him away from the others, but every time Tommy moves over to talk to him, Adam seems to disappear. It’s like the roles are reversed somehow. Tommy tries to shrug it off on Adam being the host.

Ben is taking his ‘date’ title very seriously. When Adam calls them to dinner, Ben pulls out a chair for Tommy, fills his wine and water glasses and is generally a perfect gentleman. Had it been a real date, Tommy would have been weirded out by it. This gentlemanly behavior is usually expected of him, not that he thinks he’s any good at it but still. It isn’t a real date, though, and Ben’s eyes are sparkling with amusement. Since Adam’s too busy to talk, Tommy leans back and enjoys the ride. Ben makes him laugh and keeps him grounded with a light touch whenever he starts to fidget because of the way Adam narrows his eyes when he’s watching them from across the table.

Dinner is loud and joyous with everyone talking over each other and across the table. At one point, Ben leans in and quietly asks if it’s always like this. Tommy laughs and nods while an ache takes place in the pit of his stomach, born out of yearning to be on the road with these people again, to be performing again. He tells Ben about how much he has missed these amazing people, and being the sap that Ben is, he lifts Tommy’s hand off the table and kisses his knuckles. “You’re too presh for words. Really, Tommy, you are.”

Tommy blushes and reaches for his wineglass, because really, who says such things. Across the table, Adam pushes his chair back and starts clearing the table.

Neil looks at his empty plate and then at Adam. “I’m not done eating,” he says and reaches for the bread basket.

“You are now!” Adam hisses and scoops up Neil's plate to stack in on top of his own. The room goes dead silent, and Tommy doesn’t like what he sees. Adam looks like a thunderstorm ready to unleash. He puts on a smile Tommy knows is forced and takes the plates to the kitchen. Tommy has a nagging feeling that this is his doing and that’s just not okay.

He debates with himself for about half a second before he collects plates from Ben and Ashley and stands to follow Adam.

“Leave him be,” Ashley says when he snatches her empty plate.

He sends her a flat look. “He’s upset. I don’t know if it’s with me or Neil, but I’m gonna go see if I can smooth things over.”

“Of course he is, but he’ll live.”

Tommy doesn’t respond to that. He takes the china and cutlery and hurries to the kitchen. Adam’s filling the dishwasher when Tommy gets there.

“Wanna tell me what that was about?” Tommy asks soothingly.

Adam’s back tenses. “No.” He straightens up and reaches to take the china from Tommy’s hands. He also avoids Tommy’s gaze. There’s a first.

Tommy waits a moment, giving Adam a chance to change his mind on his own, before asking, “Was it not okay to bring someone or-”

“A little warning would have been nice,” Adam mutters. He’s still not looking at Tommy, yet Tommy feels like squirming.

“Oh. Yeah… Sorry about that.” Tommy feels stupid because Adam is obviously not happy about Ben being there. But Tommy did call and that means Neil should be apologizing not Tommy, and why is Adam even pissed about this anyway. It’s kind of on the high end of hypocrisy.

Neil’s voice, coming from behind, startles them both. He puts the salad bowl on the kitchen counter. “Tommy did. He called you to ask if it was okay, I said yes and told you he was bringing someone. So if you wanna take this out on anyone, take it out on me.”

“Fine!” Adam snarls and glares at Neil. His blue eyes are burning with unleashed emotions. “A bit of warning would have been nice, okay?!”

“You got one,” Neil says calmly and somehow he puts himself between Adam and Tommy. If Tommy was the least bit intimidated by Adam, if he was just a tiny bit scared of him, he’d have thought Neil was trying to protect him. He isn’t though, so he figures Neil is just getting ready to make a point and wants Adam’s undivided attention. It’s such a Neil thing to do.

Adam’s eyes narrow, and the blue turns cold. His low tone of voice has a dangerous edge to it. It makes Tommy wish Adam would yell instead. “But you conveniently left out that… that octopus in there wasn’t a pretty little brunette with doe eyes and a perfectly shaped Cupid’s bow of a mouth.”

Tommy blinks and takes a step back. So dating girls is oh-so-fine, but he's not allowed to date a dude. He’s a fucking grownup and Ben... Ben is not an octopus. He’s just trying to distract Tommy from offering himself on a platter for Adam, again. He should say something, because what the fuck, but when he tries to do so, his vocal cords tie themselves in knots and refuse to make a sound. He completely fails to defend his right to date whoever he wants.

Neil isn’t intimidated by Adam’s cold tone of voice at all. He answers with the same even calmness as before, which Tommy thinks would piss him off even more if it was directed at him.

“I’m sure, given the gender, that you’re a better judge of that than me, but honestly? I think the description fits the bill with the exception of little.”

Apparently Adam is just as provoked by Neil’s tone of voice as Tommy would have been, because Adam roars, “He’s a guy!”

Tommy’s hands curl into fists at his sides, but before Tommy bolts the hell out of there, Neil asks Adam really provokingly, “So? If Tommy is just your friend, why does it bother you who he’s dating, fucking or whatever?”

Too many raw emotions are bleeding out in the kitchen right now, and they have disaster written all over them. But that’s a damn good question, and wanting to hear the answer to it is the only reason Tommy isn’t trying to force his body into action and flee the room.

All of the air seems to escape Adam. “He’s straight, Neil,” Adam argues, but the fight seems to have left him. Somewhere in the back of his mind Tommy realizes that the chatter in the dining room has died down. But it doesn’t really matter. What matters is the pain on Adam’s face, the way his gaze darts to Tommy as if he’s silently begging Tommy to understand. The floor under Tommy’s feet feels like it's rocking and shaking. His hands start to tremble, his heart races and then Ben’s there, looping an arm around Tommy’s shoulders and slowly guiding him out of the kitchen. “C’mere, pretty. I think you need a break from all the drama.”

He does need a break. He’s shaking with anger and dawning realization, for fucks sake, but that doesn’t stop Tommy from craning his neck to look at Adam on his way out of the room. Adam’s eyes are begging him to stay, to understand.

Then Neil asks firmly, “What is wrong with you? Obviously he’s not straight! Tell me, did he strike you as particularly straight when you were fucking him?” and Adam is no longer looking at Tommy but at his brother.

“Fuck you,” Adam grumbles brokenly. A huge part of Tommy feels like a complete ass for leaving the room, for leaving Adam when he looks so shattered, but his head is a fucking mess and he feels like the walls are closing in on him.

Neil’s voice changes to a patient loving tone. “Despite everything, it’s still kind of heartbreaking, actually, how clueless you are. You had your chance, Adam. He could have been yours eons ago if you'd grown the balls to trust him. I know you want him, but you fucked up and now you can’t. I know it hurts, but you need to deal with it one way or another. Play nice for the rest of the night.”

As if on cue, the doorbell chimes, and the first set of Adam’s friends arrives with broad smiles and high spirits, clearly in the mood to party. How they all manage to put a lid on what just happened and paste on smiles is a scary display of how good they’ve become at handling things like professionals.

Over the next hour new people find their way into Adam’s home and Tommy manages, with a healthy dose of alcohol, to make his body stop shaking. He tries his best to get caught up in conversations with people who he truly likes or loves, but he can’t focus too long before his mind starts to spin and he starts to search for Adam’s face. Every time he does, Adam’s staring right back at him. That doesn’t help to ease the mindfuck Tommy went through tonight one bit.

Finally, it becomes too much. He needs to get the hell out of there. To freak out, think, put things in order and figure them out. Ben’s talking to Brian when Tommy snatches a bottle of whiskey from the bar and sneaks off to the garden. It’s chilly out there, but Tommy knows where to find a blanket.

He wraps the zebra striped blanket around his shoulders before sinking down on a lounger. He doesn’t even bother turning around and scooting up to get properly seated instead he pulls up his legs, and for a while, he just stares into the night. With a sigh, he screws the cap off the whiskey bottle and curses when he realizes he forgot to bring a glass. “Fuck it,” Tommy mutters and takes a mouthful directly from the bottle. The whiskey burns all the way down. It’s fucking perfect.

He turns his head to see who’s intruding when he hears footsteps. The dark shadow moving towards him turns out to be Ben.

Ben takes the bottle from Tommy and raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow. “No glass?”

“I’m not really all that sophisticated.”

Ben shrugs and lifts the bottle to his lips. After handing the whiskey back to Tommy, Ben carefully sits down next to Tommy on the lounger. Tommy leans into his side to rest his head on Ben’s shoulder and asks quietly, “Did that happen or did I imagine it?”

Ben doesn’t put an arm around Tommy; he tilts his head so it's resting against Tommy’s instead. “It happened.”

“He’s jealous?” Tommy whispers because saying it out loud would be like jinxing it or something. Plus Tommy hasn’t even really had a chance to process the idea yet, so he still doesn't trust his brain to remember things correctly. It’s pulled tricks on him before.

Ben chuckles darkly. “I’m pretty sure he's wanted to rip me apart and feed me to the raccoons ever since you introduced us. If I go missing, please tell the authorities to search this garden for my bones.”

Tommy snorts and falls silent. His mind is a busy, busy place to be caught in right now. “But if he’s jealous-” Tommy cuts off his own words. Jealousy means there’s feelings involved; jealousy could totally mean scary feelings like... love.

“Yeah,” Ben says, like he’s reading Tommy’s mind but also like he’s happy for him. “Do you need to freak out alone?”

Without really thinking about it, Tommy nods against Ben’s cheek. Ben straightens up and stands, and then Tommy remembers that he’s responsible for Ben being a guest in Adam’s house. “But-” He starts to disentangle himself from the blanket.

Ben stops him with a shake of his head. “I’ll be okay. I do have one of my best friends in there too. I’ll check up on you a little later.”

“Thanks, Ben.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Tommy doesn’t move to get comfortable when Ben leaves. His busy mind is keeping his body still. At first, Tommy feels stupidly happy at the idea that there's a chance of Adam loving him back. A mix of relief and excitement rushes through him. Whole scenarios of dates and lazy morning cuddles evolving into something else entirely play out in his head.

But then the devil on his shoulder starts to ask why Adam keeps pushing him away if he feels anything even resembling what Tommy does. Why didn't Adam listen to him when he told Adam how he felt? They could have had a really good thing going for a long time now, but for some reason Adam didn’t want that. He might not want it, still. Maybe Adam doesn’t want to feel anything for him. And one stubborn question keeps popping up again and again: what did he do to make Adam feel like he couldn’t trust Tommy with his heart? Where did he fuck up that badly.

The more he thinks, the more he drinks, and suddenly he’s feeling more sad than confused.

The mattress on the lounger dips, pulling Tommy out of his melancholy. His breath hitches audibly at the sight of Adam.

“Hey,” Adam begins.

“Hi.”

“Is it okay if I join you?”

Tommy shrugs. “It’s a free world. It’s also your garden. I guess it’s kinda hard to tell you to piss off.”

Adam isn’t looking at Tommy -- he’s keeping his eyes trained on his hands, which are clasped in front of him -- but Tommy sees a tiny smile grace Adam’s lips. It’s nothing more than a slight curve upwards at the corners of his mouth, but it tells Tommy that Adam knows Tommy didn’t say no. Tommy offers him the bottle, but Adam grimaces and shakes his head. Tommy shrugs and takes another drink. He’s got the feeling he’s gonna need it.

Adam stays where he is. He’s too close, Tommy can smell him and feel the heat coming from his body for fucks sake, yet he feels so far away.

“Where’s your date?”

“Talking to Brian, I suppose.”

Adam turns his head enough to cast a quick glance at Tommy; a frown is wrinkling his forehead. “Do they know each other?”

“Yes, old friends.”

Tommy observes how Adam starts to play with his fingers and the rings on them. It’s one of Adam’s tells, a clear sign of how unsure of himself Adam is, and Tommy doesn’t quite know what to make of it. “Oh, so he, like, set you guys up?”

“Yes, yes, he did,” Tommy confirms and reaches out to still Adam’s hands. The second Tommy’s fingers touch Adam’s, Adam laces them in a firm grip. “Adam what are you doing out here?” Tommy dares to ask.

“I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”

Tommy is terrified of what that means. Of the possibilities, of setting himself up for more heartache if Adam didn’t mean it the way Tommy heard it. Adam’s thumb is running over the base of Tommy’s in a gentle almost non-existent caress. Tommy can’t take his eyes away from it. It’s almost hypnotic.

Adam’s murmured “Have I pushed you away for good?” forces him to look up at Adam’s face though.

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

“With someone else… “

Tommy nods once and shrugs.

“Is he the reason… I mean, is that why you’ve been dodging me all month?”

Tommy shakes his head. He should probably elaborate further but he doesn’t. They break eye contact, and it takes Adam a full minute, maybe more, to start speaking again. “How long have you been going out with him?”

Adam sounds so defeated, so hopeless, and Tommy hates that. He might be scared to death here but he won’t flat out lie to Adam, ever. “Since we came home but tonight is- we’re not like that. We’re becoming good friends, that's all.”

Adam nods thoughtfully. “I missed you,” he says.

Tommy never doubted that, so he sends Adam a weak smile. Adam scoots closer, pulls Tommy into his side, and puts an arm around his shoulder, and Tommy lets him. It feels good, familiar and safe despite the warzone that's his mind.

 “Terribly,” Adam adds and kisses Tommy’s temple. Tommy hums in acknowledgment. “Why’d you stay away?”

Tommy pulls away. He’s too drunk, too vulnerable to do this tonight. He needs to sleep it off and calm down before opening this can of worms again. “I can’t do this Adam, not now. It’s not like it’s gonna make a difference tonight anyway.”

 Adam’s fingers find their way to Tommy’s chin, and he lifts it up in a silent plea to meet his eyes. “I think I’m ready to listen,” Adam says solemnly.

Tommy huffs a sigh. “But I’m done talking. I’ve said it all and more than once. You might be ready to listen but are you ready to talk? To explain to me why-” Tommy shuts his mouth just in time to stop the words ’I’m not good enough’ from slipping off his tongue. He takes a second to recompose himself. “Why you don’t trust me?”

A pained expression takes over Adam’s face, and this time he lets Tommy slide away when he tries to.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m sorry but I gotta find Ben before I officially end up being the worst date of his life.” Tommy laughs sadly.

When Tommy tries to stand, Adam snakes a hand out and closes it around Tommy’s and tugs lightly. “Stay? Just for a few moments longer?”

Tommy sucks his lips in between his teeth, and fuck his life, actually considers it.

“I promise not to ask anything else from you if you stay. Just stay here with me, and I don’t know,” Adam pauses as if searching for the right words, “… enjoy the silence with me?” He looks at Tommy pleadingly, and his puppy dog eyes are an unfair weapon. Just unfair.

“I…”

“Please.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Obviously ‘okay’ didn’t just mean Tommy would stay put. Of course it meant that Adam should pull him back into his arms, judging by the way Tommy is manhandled into cuddling again.

Adam manages to keep quiet for at least thirty seconds. “I don’t think you actually know this but you’re my-”

“Shhh.” Tommy fights the smile trying to break free. Adam is nothing if not predictable.

“I really should shut up, right?”

Tommy nods. “If you think you can manage that somewhat simple task.”

Adam makes an amused sound in the back of his throat, and mimes locking his lips and throwing away the key. Tommy pats Adam's chest and snuggles closer. Tommy's tired, he’s drunk and in this very minute, things are okay~ish.

Of course Adam can’t leave it there. Tommy figures he's just as messed up as Tommy, because where Tommy needs time to digest things and ponder them, Adam needs to talk about them. It’s as if Adam can’t make sense of his thoughts if he doesn’t speak them out loud.

“Tommy?”

“Hmm.”

“I need to know if I’m too late, or if you’re freaking out right now because of how stupid I was acting in there.”

Tommy pushes away and stands abruptly. That one hit a little too close to home. It sounds a lot like Tommy’s expected to wring out all his feelings again without Adam doing the same, and he’s just not going there now. “I need to…” Tommy drags his hand through his hair, messes with it before he realizes how transparent he’s being. “Ben is probably wondering where the hell I am.”

Adam looks lost. Well, that’s just too bad because Tommy is done talking before Adam has at least told Tommy what he wants from him. He can’t be the one who gets cracked open every time.

Tommy hears the terrace door glide open, and Ben’s voice comes as the perfect rescue. “You’re still out here? I’ve been looking for you.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy automatically offers.

“Don’t be. I needed a bit of fresh air.” Ben looks at Tommy then Adam, and Tommy can see that Ben is trying to read the situation. Tommy can clearly see the frustration the interruption is causing Adam and wonders if Ben spots it too.

“It’s a beautiful garden, Adam. Got any raccoons?”

Ben winks at Tommy, who falls into a giggle fit starting with a snort. He should have seen that coming a mile away.

Adam looks adorably confused. “Thanks. Probably, why?”

“He’s sure you’ll feed him to them,” Tommy elaborates unhelpfully.

“What?” Adam asks, his eyes darting to Ben who just shrugs.

Tommy turns to look up at Ben. “I’m drunk and I’m exhausted. Would you mind taking me home?”

“Not at all. You’ve got everything you need?”

“Yeah. It’s not like I can suddenly find my dignity anyway.”

Ben shakes his head fondly and holds out a hand for Tommy to take, which Tommy does. He throws Adam a look over his shoulder and wonders if he should hug him goodbye, like they always do, but the vulnerable look in Adam’s eyes matches the feeling in Tommy’s heart so he chooses not to.

“Can I talk to you tomorrow?” Adam‘s fingers are back to twisting rings.

“Of course.”

“Thank you for dinner,” Ben says, with a genuine smile, to Adam.

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry about…”

Ben laughs. “You’re not, but that’s okay. He’s worth it.”

“He is.”

Ben doesn't ask any questions before they get on the road. Tommy appreciates the time to sort out his thoughts a bit. When Ben does ask, it’s quietly like he doesn’t want to spook Tommy. “Did you two talk it out?”

Tommy chews on the side of a thumb. “No?”

Ben shoots him a quick, concerned glance. “No? Why not?”

Tommy heaves a heavy sigh. “Would it sound weird if I said I’m too busy freaking out?”

Ben’s gentle chuckle mixes with the sounds of the engine and the tires rumbling on the asphalt. “Not at all but you still love him, right.”

Tommy wants to act like a child and stick his tongue out, but he doesn’t. “You know I do. He asked me if he was too late.”

Ben doesn’t take his eyes off the road, but Tommy sees a smile appear on his face and knows Ben is pleased with his answer. “Good,” Ben says, putting a hand on Tommy’s knee and squeezing lightly to emphasize his next words. “Then face your fears and let him in again. It’s nothing you haven’t done before.” The words are part demand, part encouragement and spoken with all the care in the world.

Tommy feels his chest tighten around his heart because he’s still not done with the whole being confused and unhappy thing. “I know, but each time I get a brush off, it hurts even more and I can’t keep doing it and I’m kind of pissed at him and sad too. I wish I knew why he didn’t believe me when I told him that I love him.”

Ben nods empathetically and says matter of factly, “I’m sure he won’t make that mistake again though.”

The statement pushes at Tommy’s insecurities. “You don’t know him, so you can’t know that.”

Ben seems to know exactly what’s going on in Tommy’s head, because he sends him a look that communicates all the faith Tommy isn’t feeling himself. “Tommy, come on. I was just with a bunch of people who do know him and let me tell you, not one of them disagrees with me. Adam might have been sticking his head into the dirt like an ostrich to avoid his own feelings, but he loves you and judging by the incident in the kitchen, I think tonight forced him to face his demons. Give him a day or two and then talk to him. Promise me that?”

Something settles in Tommy. If it’s some kind of trust in Adam’s feelings or if it’s the realization that Adam is worth getting hurt all over again, he doesn’t really know. “Yeah, okay. I just wish I knew what I did to make him feel like he couldn’t trust me, you know?”

Ben shrugs lightly. “I bet it wasn’t you. We all have shit we carry around unwillingly. People hurt each other, sometimes on purpose but more often not. Stuff like that can be really hard to put behind you, especially when you fall in love, because it leaves you hopelessly vulnerable and raw, because the people you love the most are also the ones who can hurt you the most.”

Tommy knows Ben is not trying to make the conversation about himself but nonetheless he's still drawing on his own experiences. “I’m sorry.” Tommy curls his hand around the one Ben has lying on Tommy’s knee.

Ben grimaces, turns his hand upwards and slides his fingers through Tommy’s. “Don’t be. You didn’t hurt me.”

“Still,” Tommy whispers, and Ben sends him a tiny smile.

Tommy wakes up to a somewhat dark room and the creepy feeling of not being alone. He takes a moment to go over the night before trying to figure out who the hell is in bed with him. He was not that drunk last night, and he knows he said goodnight to Ben in the car. He’d waved Mike off when Mike had paused whatever game he was playing to ask how the party was, just muttering ‘fine’ and then going to fall into his bed and bury himself under his duvet. Mike is an awesome housemate and just as good a friend, but there’s no way he’d crawl into Tommy’s bed out of concern without letting Tommy know, which leaves Tommy disturbingly clueless about who else is in his bed.

Cautiously, he holds his breath and listens to the other person breathing.

“You awake?”

Adam’s soft whisper sends Tommy’s heart right into his throat, beating violently. “Adam?!” Tommy yelps and rolls around so fast he ends up with a dizzy spell.

“Hi,” Adam says and makes a little wiggling wave with his fingers. It looks silly; in fact Adam looks very awkward sitting against the headboard of Tommy’s bed like that.

Tommy blinks and works himself up in a sitting position. “Hi, what- how?”

“Mike let me in.”

“When?” Tommy demands while he’s silently cursing Mike to hell.

Adam looks hesitant, which does absolutely nothing good for Tommy’s heart rate. “A while ago. Ineed to talk to you, to tell you- Where are you going?”

“Bathroom, to take a piss, brush my teeth, and you should really get out of my bed and make us some coffee. I’ll see you in the kitchen.”

“Tommy-”

“Don’t you fucking Tommy me. First: I can’t believe, after all the times when I’ve asked you to spend the night with me, you do this! When I’m sleeping! Second: I’m not having this talk with you in my bed because- well, just because!” Tommy turns his back on Adam and leaves the room with a lot more determination in his footsteps than his heart. He's just woken up to Adam in his bed. His fucking bed. One of his biggest wishes just came true and it’s tainted by nervousness and uncertainty. Though Adam in his bed has got to mean good things, right?

He runs into Mike on his way to the bathroom.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Mike says and winks at Tommy.

Tommy knows how futile it is to try to stay pissed at Mike, but he still gives his best shot. “Fuck you,” he says forcefully, but Mike’s crooked and knowing smile disarms him just like he knew it would, and his next words are more curious than angry. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Mike shrugs casually, but there’s mischief in his eyes. “When he confessed his undying love for my roommate and said roommate has been pining for months, I thought it would be safe to let him in.”

“Is that so?” Tommy says with a raised eyebrow. He crosses his arms and leans against the wall.

Mike puts a heavy hand on Tommy’s shoulder and grasps it tightly. “Relax, buddy. He gave me the kicked puppy look and told me he needed to talk to you. You looked so fucking miserable when you got home last night that, when he showed up two hours later, I figured he had some making up to do.”

Tommy nods along with Mike’s words. “What time is it?”

“6 am. I’ve had, like, zero sleep tonight.”

Tommy quickly does the math. “He’s been here four hours? Fuck.” That’s four hours of Adam in his bed, being quiet and waiting for Tommy to wake up. Shit.

“And,” Mike says, drawing the word out, “that would be my cue to disappear. I hope things work out for you, T-Bone.”

Tommy snaps out of his thoughts when Mike lets go of his shoulder to leave. “Hey, wait. Where are you going? It’s 6 am.”

Mike chuckles. “Dunno, dude, but don’t worry about that just… talk to him okay?”

“Yeah, seems like everybody is telling me to do that lately.”

Mike smirks. “Because we’re all right.”

Tommy nods once, and goes to the bathroom. Seconds later, he hears the front door click. He might take a little longer in the bathroom, doing his business, than he usually would but fuck that. He’s scared and he figures he’s allowed. After he’s done cleaning up, he looks at his reflection in the mirror and whispers, “This is it.”

Adam is making homey noises in the kitchen, and the addictive smell of fresh coffee floats Tommy’s way when he opens the bathroom door. Tommy decides to put on a clean t-shirt and jeans before going out there. He knows he’s stalling, but it is what it is.

When Tommy finally enters the kitchen, Adam is leaning against the kitchen counter, legs crossed, and if Tommy didn’t know better, he’d think Adam looked pretty comfortable and at ease. He does know better though; the way Adam is clutching his mug with one hand and the countertop with the other says as much. They stare at each other for a minute, the air between them loaded with tension and uncertainty to the point where it’s unbearable.

Adam breaks the silence first. “Want me to take you out for breakfast?”

Tommy shakes his head and goes to pour himself some coffee. “No, I want you to tell me why you were in my bed for most of the night!” He doesn’t exactly look at Adam while he says that; instead he looks at the steam rising off the coffee in his cup. He curses himself and forces his gaze up to Adam’s face.

Adam isn’t doing any better though, staring into his cup as if it holds all the answers. “Yeah, about that- shit,”

Adam lifts his gaze to meet Tommy’s, and Tommy feels like he’s been punched in the stomach. Adam is blushing. Blushing. “I kinda planned this whole speech while you were sleeping but…” Adam shrugs and smiles sheepishly. Combined with the blush, it’s a lethal mix of adorableness and Tommy’s heart flutters. He smiles back, feeling more at ease every second.

Adam averts his gaze to his coffee again before sipping it. “Last night- You’ve been my moon for so long, Tommy, but last night I realized that maybe you’re not.”

Tommy frowns. “Moon?” he asks confused.

“Yeah, and the idea that you might not be unreachable is scary.” Adam’s voice trembles a little, and he’s looking everywhere but at Tommy. With a pained sigh, Adam continues, “It leaves me raw and exposed. So fucking vulnerable I can’t even… fuck.”

“You lost me,” says Tommy because he’s still confused about the moon thing.

“I know and I need to know if I can undo that somehow,” Adam says, meeting Tommy’s eyes, and judging by the sadness in Adam’s, he misunderstood Tommy’s words.

Tommy moves to stand next to Adam and shakes his head. “No, that’s not what I meant. What the hell does it mean that I’m a moon?”

“Oh, um… remember when we first met?”

Tommy snorts. “Yeah. How could I not.” That statement earns Tommy a radiant smile and another blush. It’s like being blinded by the sun.

“I was so mesmerized by you. Your looks, talent and the easy way you just rolled with everything thrown your way. Maybe even more so when I learned how much the attention freaks you out.”

Apparently it’s Tommy’s turn to blush now, but Adam luckily doesn’t notice because he’s busy talking and staring into nothing as his words flow. “Whenever I was with my friends, I kept talking about you and because he’s one caring nosy fucker, Brad took the time to google Tommy Ratliff. So one evening while I was going on about you, Brad quietly asked me if I was aware that you were straight?”

“Oh,” Tommy says quietly, he’s starting to see where this is going.

Adam’s gaze meets to Tommy’s for a fraction of a second before darting away again. “Yeah, something about a MySpace profile, and I realized that it was something we really hadn’t discussed at all. Sexuality. Which, okay, why would we? Mine was pretty out in the open, and obviously straight people rarely have to defend their bed partners.”

“I guess so,” Tommy murmurs into his coffee when Adam pauses to take a drink of his cup.

Adam frowns and huffs a sigh. “Yeah, but the thing was, I had figured, since you didn’t seem to care enough to ask about it and hadn't rushed to assure me that it wasn’t something that irked you the wrong way, it was because you were interested in me too.”

Tommy nods, because Adam had read that right. Tommy just hadn’t realized that himself back then.

Adam makes a sad face and rolls his shoulders as if he’s trying to release a bit of the tension before continuing. “Then you brought Delmy around one day shortly after Brad’s concerned question, and that’s when I realized that you were out of reach. Pretty and loveable and so fucking unattainable and I still wasn’t able to resist your pull. So you’re my moon.”

A pregnant silence fills the air between them while Adam’s words settle in Tommy’s mind. Adam practically just told him that he fell in love with him a long time ago, and Tommy gets a little angry. “Adam, we’ve fucked around too many times for you to think that. You can’t honestly believe that I’m completely straight. I even told you that I loved you!”

Adam runs a hand over his face. “The thing is… as much as I wanted it to be true, I didn’t dare believe it. When you love someone, the last thing you want is for that person to reject you.”

“Trust me, I know that,” Tommy says, not even trying to cover up his own heartache as his feelings bleed through the words.

Adam winces visibly and his voice breaks. “And then you show up with a date, a fucking guy, and… and… I can’t lose you. I’m scared- no, terrified of things blowing up in my face right now, of trusting what I’ve known deep inside for some time but I want- I want-” Adam makes a pained noise and turns around to pour the last of his coffee into the sink.

Tommy puts his own cup on the counter. “Me?” he asks carefully, because he needs Adam to say it even if it’s so hard that Adam has to turn his back on him.

“You,” Adam whispers.

As happy as that makes Tommy, he still doesn’t know why Adam kept pushing him away, why he still is if the way he has his back turned on Tommy is any indication. “Did I- Why didn’t you believe me when I told you I loved you?”

“Two years before you and I met, I fell in love with a straight man who told me I was his exception and it didn’t end well. It hurts to get dumped no matter what, but when a guy you’re in love with tells you that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore because he was just curious and got it out of his system and leaves you to get back with their ex-girlfriend, who apparently is the love of his life… it pretty much destroys your faith in love and… I didn’t ever want to go through that again.”

“Fuck. I’m so sorry, Adam.” Before Tommy can think about it, he reaches out to put a hand on Adam’s shoulder and rubs it gently.

Adam lifts his head and turns around to face Tommy, and that forces Tommy to let his hand drop. It doesn’t matter though because Adam is looking at Tommy now, meeting his eyes. “So when you happened I lied to myself, kept telling myself that we were just fooling around and that you were just curious and that it didn’t matter because there was no feelings attached whatsoever. The truth is, I was already in love with you before we started hooking up. I hoped that I would get it out of my system, that I would get over you if I could have you a couple of times. When we made lov- whenever we got together, I hated myself for my own neediness and I had to roll out of bed so as not to embarrass myself.”

Tommy shakes his head at Adam. “I asked you to stay Adam. I wanted you to. I wanted it all.”

“And I wanted to stay, to believe what you were telling me, but I was too scared to take the leap.” Adam looks so open, unguarded and sort of hopeful.

“And now?” Tommy probes.

Adam reaches out to take both of Tommy’s hands in his and pulls him closer. “Now I understand that you did want to be with me, and I’m hoping I didn’t screw up so badly that I lost you completely.”

Tommy closes the gap between them and untangles their fingers so he can loop his arms around Adam’s neck. “You really want this? Because I need to hear that.” He looks up at Adam, letting him see how much this means to him.

Adam snakes his arms around Tommy’s back and slips his warm hands under the thin cotton of Tommy’s t-shirt. “I really want this, you. I’m beyond invested,” Adam says and the fondness, the fucking love, in Adam’s eyes makes it all worthwhile.

“Yeah, me too,” Tommy whispers and tips his head upwards to kiss Adam. It’s a slow and thorough kiss that feels a lot more like relief and belonging than sex and desperation. It’s a perfect ‘I love you’ kiss filled with promises, and it’s making Tommy’s heart and body hum with contentment. “We’re going back to bed,” he says the second their lips part because that’s what he wants, to sleep next to Adam. Just the thought of getting to have that kind of luxury makes it all so fucking real, and Tommy can’t stop smiling.

He backs away from Adam, tugging impatiently at Adam's hand when he doesn’t automatically follow. “Coming?” he asks when Adam lets go of his hand.

Adam laughs, but it rings a little uncertain. “This wasn’t what I was- I want to do this properly. I want to date you.”

It takes Tommy a second to understand what Adam’s saying, but when he does he breaks out in a huge smile. “And I want that, when I’m done sleeping with you, because I want to wake up snuggling with you and feel like that’s something I can do now.”

Adam practically beams at Tommy, and Tommy grins back happily. “Also, I’m too hung over for sexy times to be on the table, and just so you know, I don’t plan to put out until at least the third date or something stupid like that, you know, since we’re doing this properly.” Tommy sticks his tongue out and walks backwards out of the kitchen.

Adam’s laughter is fucking music to Tommy’s ears. “Really now?

Once they're in his room. Tommy wriggles out of his jeans and dives head first into his bed. Adam is leaning against the doorframe looking mighty pleased. “Do I at least get to hold you?” he asks casually.

Tommy wiggles around until he’s practically hidden under the duvet. With a put upon sigh, he lifts the duvet and huffs, “If you must.”

Adam uses all of thirty seconds to lose his jeans too, and then he bounces into bed and manhandles Tommy until they can’t get any closer without ruining Tommy’s ‘no sex yet’ threat. “This okay?” Adam asks and presses a kiss to Tommy’s cheek.

Tommy hums happily.

The second time Tommy wakes up that day he squeezes his eyes shut against the sun when its bright light and warmth creep through the curtain and land on his face. It takes him a couple of minutes to adjust enough to persuade himself to actually open his eyes and face the day. When he does, it’s to tiny motes of dust dancing lazily in the sun and Adam wrapped around him, and that just feels too good to be ignored. He set the ‘no sex until third date’ rule; he gets to break it.

Who knew life could feel this good. That he could have this.

With Adam.

 

 

 

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