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Natalie, without a doubt, was struggling.
She hated having to admit it, it made her feel weak whenever she truly needed help but to her defense, she didn’t really have a choice. Lottie had noticed. And when Lottie noticed anything wrong with her, she wouldn’t, couldn’t let it go.
Lottie seemed to notice every little thing about Natalie actually, and Natalie never knows whether to feel loved or annoyed.
Whenever Nat performed uncharacteristically terrible at soccer practice, she could always look over and meet Lottie’s eyes, dead set on her, unmoving. Even in class, when Natalie was clearly not sober, Lottie was always staring at her, a grave sense of worry that ran deep through her brown eyes. It struck Nat somewhere even deeper.
Natalie couldn’t take it. She hated making Lottie worry, which seemed to be an often occurrence nowadays. So she opted to try (and fail) to avoid Lottie all together. It was Nat’s nature, self sabotage should’ve been her middle name to be honest. It was difficult on its own, trying to ignore the sole light in her life, and Natalie wasn’t sure if she had enough willpower to do it. But again, Natalie didn’t have much of a choice regardless, because funnily enough, once again, Lottie noticed. And Lottie in return, showed up everywhere Nat was.
Lottie began by partnering up with Natalie in every class they had together and Natalie reluctantly agreed. She couldn’t say no to the crooked smile Lottie always gave her. But then, during their weekly practices, Lottie was practically glued to Nat’s side. Lottie stuck with Natalie for every single drill and teamed with Natalie for every mock game. Natalie still pitifully attempted to create some space between them, but ultimately gave up when Lottie began threatening to walk her home. Of course, Natalie knew deep down that Lottie wouldn’t judge where she lived, but with the chance of her mother seeing Lottie? That put the mere thought of it out of the question.
During the time Lottie and Natalie spent together, which seemed to increase by the day, Natalie seemed to begin slowly but surely forgetting everything that was troubling her. To be fair, it was hard to focus on anything other than Lottie. Lottie was her greatest weakness and Natalie wasn’t even mad about it. They wouldn’t go a single day without speaking to each other and Natalie, despite her original intentions, was silently grateful for it. Natalie couldn’t imagine her life without Lottie, she didn’t ever want to.
Since Natalie refused to let Lottie walk her home, and Lottie, for once in her life, took no for an answer and dropped it, Natalie decided to stay over Lottie’s house. This wasn’t really new, Lottie invited Nat over countless of times and sometimes Natalie took her up on those offers. But it was different this time. Because Natalie, herself, never asked before. When Natalie approached Lottie about staying over the next few weekends, Lottie, thankfully, asked no further questions. Because the truth is, if Lottie had asked why, why all of a sudden Natalie wants to spend so much time at Lottie’s house, Nat didn’t know if she could keep her composure. Because the truth is, Nat’s home, her god forsaken lonely trailer home was driving her crazier by every second she stayed there. Her mother, unmoving from the sofa, and the strong, notable absence of her father was too much to bear anymore. And Lottie knew that, because Lottie knew her. She knew when Natalie needed help and she knew that Natalie was too stubborn to admit it.
So that’s where Natalie was at 8am on a Sunday morning, laying down under Lottie’s comforter, staring as Lottie who was sleeping peacefully. Natalie watched Lottie’s chest rise and fall, her soft pink lips that remained slightly ajar, and her long brunette locs that fell across her forehead. Natalie lost track of how long she was lied awake, watching Lottie rest.
Natalie also didn’t realize when Lottie’s eyes fluttered open, not until she heard a quiet giggle.
“How long have you been watching me sleep?” Lottie’s voice was thick with sleep but still just as sweet nonetheless.
Natalie froze like a deer in headlights, “Uhh..”
Lottie smiled up at Natalie and raised her hand to cup Nat’s face. She massaged her thumb into Nat’s cheek, then brushed her fingers over Natalie’s flushed lips.
“Good morning.” Lottie whispered it so quietly, and it made Natalie’s heart melt.
Natalie closed her eyes and leaned into Lottie’s hand, “Good morning.”
They stayed like this for a bit, Natalie resting her eyes under the morning sun while Lottie brushed her soft fingers over her cheeks, then her arms, then to her back. Natalie realizes then that Lottie has an almost uncanny ability to know exactly what Nat needs. The slow, soothing mornings filled with comfortable silence, the short-lived touches they sneaked from each other during school hours, the mere sight of Lottie was enough to make Natalie want to live.
Natalie realizes in the moment that she is truly, entirely in love with Lottie Matthews.
Of course, Natalie’s not oblivious. She’s thought about it before, she knows she loves Lottie, it’s just a fact of life now. But in this moment, lying so close to her, breathing the same air, just living in the same space made Natalie realize just how much.
“Natalie,” Nat could never get enough of Lottie’s soft voice. “You’re still awake, right?”
Natalie grumbled something to give Lottie confirmation because honestly, she barely was.
Lottie released a chuckle that turned into a sigh as it died down, “Yeah, me too.”
Lottie’s breathing was so slow and even that Natalie almost wondered, with her eyes still shut, if Lottie had fallen back asleep.
“You know Nat, I really see you.”
Natalie opened her eyes at this.
”I mean I-” Lottie wasn’t looking at Natalie, instead, she was staring at the bed, like it was the most interesting thing in the world. “I see you trying Natalie. And I appreciate you for it, I love you for it.”
Natalie firmly shut her eyes again and leaned into the pillow.
”I know things have been hard for you and I know how incredibly stubborn you are. And yeah, maybe a few months ago you wouldn’t be have but the fact that you’re here right now shows how much you love me, how much you love yourself.” Lottie’s voice was a little hesitant, because like always, she was worried about saying the wrong thing. And, like always, Lottie said exactly what Natalie needed to hear.
Natalie opened her eyes once more. This time, Lottie was staring right into her eyes. Natalie could never get over how beautiful Lottie’s eyes are. The miles and miles of different shades of brown that ran deep through her expressive eyes. Her eyebrows were furrowed, but her lips were pointed up into a small smile. Natalie stared right back at her, and smiled just the same.
She raised a hand to cup Lottie’s cheek back, “Thank you,” And she raised her face to gently kiss Lottie’s forehead.