Archive of Our Own ^beta

You’re six when you first meet Feferi Peixes.

She’s got a bright smile and cherubic cheeks. Her short dark hair is in a twin braids with many pins holding back the wisps. She’s gotten paint splattered all over her jean dress.

It’s the first day of Kindergarten. The class is very small. Eleven students.

She’s laughing and it’s high pitched and squeaky but you love it. Your eyes meet and she smiles broadly at you, offering you a piece of paper covered in a mustard yellow. Your name is written on it and briefly you wonder how she even knew it. It’s then you realize Feferi is so much smarter and brighter than she lets on.

You thank her shyly and smile tentatively back, cheeks inflamed.

You’re twelve when Eridan Ampora starts going to the school. 

He’s introduced at the front of the class and the teacher directs him to set next to Feferi’s left. You sit on her right. He stares at you, eyes wide behind his glasses. He has a sour look on his face- as if he doesn’t want to be here.  As if he’s better than everyone. You hate him already.

He’s dressed like a greaser. Slicked back hair, white t-shirt and an ill-fitting leather jacket. You know they’re hand-me-downs but you don’t say anything.

The three of you sit there quietly. It’s very awkward when usually Feferi is always talking about something. The class is very quiet too- it had always been the eleven of you. And now it is twelve.

At recess, when you and Feferi slip away to the alcoves at the back of the school, it’s very quiet. Feferi sketches quietly. When you lean over and peek over her shoulder- you see that it’s Eridan Ampora.

You’re twelve years old when you learn that the love of your life is out of our league.

You’re eight when you meet Meenah- Feferi’s much older sister.

She’s ten years older than Feferi. Just graduated high school and heading to the college to study aquatic life.

She’s the same age as your older brother, Mituna. In fact, all of your other classmates have older siblings of the same age. Ten years older, all just starting university or college. The teachers often compare you to their class.

You hate it.

Meenah is very cocky and arrogant but she’s got a kind side. She pushes Feferi very hard but still cares for her younger sister very much. Meenah is always spouting nonsense about Feferi’s art and how smart Feferi is. Feferi loves her sister dearly.

They have a relationship you wish you had with your older brother.

You’re fourteen when you meet Cronus, Eridan’s older brother.

Meenah hates him but you’re not supposed to know that because you don’t talk to Feferi anymore. You only listen to the gossip Terezi tells you- since her sister is dating Mituna.

You actually hate Latula because she wants to stay with Mituna but you know it is just pity. You told Terezi that, years ago because she stopped worshipping her sister once Terezi realized Latula was overshadowing her. 

You and Eridan have been assigned a partner project despite your poor track record together. Eridan is less of greaser now. His hair is dark and short and he always wears a scarf around his neck. He also always has a book tucked against his chest.

You agreed to work at Eridan’s house because you don’t want Eridan to come home and make fun of Mituna. You don’t want that. Not today at least.

Eridan is pissy because his older brother is home from university for the weekend. Eridan doesn’t elaborate where Cronus goes- you just assume its some college in a bigger city.

When Cronus rolls up in his convertible you see where Eridan got his greaser idea. Cronus is the epitome of cool. He’s got a guitar in the back and notebooks filled with absolutely beautiful lyrics everywhere. You see his university notebooks crammed beneath it all and you curiously peek inside. Cronus is a genius.  He’s working on his PhD in some physics field from the title page- having skipped several grades. Eridan snatches the book and slams it shut.

Unlike the rest of your older siblings, who is the same age, Cronus is several years younger. The age difference between Eridan and Cronus remains a mystery to you for a long, long time.

You are in awe of Cronus and can’t understand why Eridan hates him so much. And then he speaks and everything from Cronus’ mouth is absolute garbage.  The illusion of this genius that writes the most beautiful lyrics is shattered.

And you gape at Eridan for a moment. You understand Eridan very clearly in that moment. He’s got to work so hard to be noticed by his dad and to impress him.  But it’s difficult to follow up such an act.

While in Eridan’s room, you see a familiar project from the year before. The teacher gave Eridan very high praise. You don’t know what to make of it. Eridan is very good at deflecting questions.

You’re 24 when Eridan gets his first book published. 

He uses the penname but you know it’s him. The distinctive writing style, the narrative, the familiar story and the quirky anecdotes that often having nothing to do with the story but even without reading all that you would have known it’s his from the second page.

It’s a best seller as soon as it hits the shelf.  Eridan is the newest and hottest writer on the scene.  You buy the book after it’s been out for three weeks.

It’s the same story but so different. You love it. You write a letter to Eridan but never send it.

Dedicated to my constant supporter, even when we were at each other’s throats. Who elevated me to a level that I couldn’t have reached without someone to lift me.

Go get ‘em, Captor.

And Kar, for being so kind when I call him at 4 in the morning looking for a therapist.

-Ahab

You’re seventeen when you feel utterly betrayed by everyone and everything.

But Feferi starts talking to you again.

Karkat and Eridan start to hang out. At first you think that Karkat will get fed up with Eridan’s overbearing nature but every time you pass by them, their heads are bent low and they’re deep in intense conversation.

You don’t know if you’re jealous because Karkat is hanging out with Eridan or that Eridan isn’t taking your rivalry seriously anymore.

Feferi sits with you on the fourth day of Eridan and Karkat’s friendship. She was Eridan’s best friend but now he’s talking with someone.

You’re nine when Aradia Megido offers you her strawberry-kiwi juice box in exchange for your cookies.

You accept the trade.

You’re fifteen when Eridan invites you over to his house to actually hang out.

Cronus is not home. His dad is not home.

Eridan saw you waiting for your parents to come pick you up. You admit to him they probably forgot because Mituna is in physical therapy that day.

You drink pop and eat chips for dinner. And then in a moment of weakness, Eridan lets you read a novel his been working on since he was eleven.

It enchants you.

It’s weird to see Eridan so shy as he asks for your opinion. Of course, it needs work but the story and writing style are like nothing you’ve ever read. Eridan then asks for criticism and you promptly tear it apart. Surprisingly, Eridan takes it in stride and takes your advice to heart.

You walk home at midnight.  You’re parents are not waiting for you when you get home. All the lights are off and the car is gone. You call your mother’s cell and she chews you out for about an hour.

When the three of them get home, Mituna manages gives you a solid smile and your mother embraces you. Your father gives you a talk about calling home when you stay at a friend’s. You apologize and are expectedly grounded for four weeks. It is still worth it though.

You’re 22 when you graduate from MIT with a Bachelor’s Degree in Engineering. Your mother cries.

You head back home and immediately go to Feferi Peixes' house. Meenah’s visiting and smirks when she sees you. When Feferi comes to the door, you immediately ask her out on a date.

Her smile is sad. You see the rejection before you hear it.

And then Eridan walks up and wraps his arm around her. 

You punch Eridan in the face for the last time before leaving.

You move to New York and never look back, getting a well paying job and nice apartment. You meet up with Aradia and start to date.

You’re sixteen when Eridan comes to school with a purple streak in his hair.

You laugh and he punches you in the face. Eridan allows himself to be taken to the office. He’s suspended for three days. His hair is still dyed when he comes back.

He doesn’t talk to you for four days after that. You never apologize because that would be admitting that you secretly think his purple hair is awesome.

The black eye gets you bonus points with Nepeta and you find yourself lacking one less rite of passage.

You’re thirteen when you fail your first project.

You make excuses. You blame others. But ultimately it was all you- not understanding.

You’re devastated but you manage to laugh with Karkat about it. You manage to put up a front and everyone thinks you’re okay. Even though you’re given the chance to redo the project, it still weighs heavily on your mind.

No one truly seems to get that you’re crushed and wilting.

You’re thirty when there is a reunion. There are several generations since each class was so small. Mituna’s class is there too. Mituna, who has recovered greatly and recently gotten his degree in neurology.  He twitches a lot less and can speak clearly without messing up too badly for at least three minutes. He lives on his own and works at a hospital. You’re so proud of him, for fighting everything. And that he managed to break up with Latula.

You run into Cronus before anybody else. He smiles so broadly, actually smiling when he sees walking in. Then, you realize he’s looking at Mituna. At first you’re on the defense but Mituna places a slightly jerky hand on your shoulder.

Cronus engulfs Mituna a huge hug and you feel as if you’re maybe missing something. Mituna is dragged off to talk to Aradia’s older sister, Damara. Mituna stutters uncontrollably. You catch the wedding ring on Cronus’ finger and whistle internally, wondering who the (un)lucky lady is.

Meenah ambushes you at the refreshment table and tells you everything you missed after living in New York for the past eight years.

“Terezi and Karkat predictably got married. They have adopted two son’s, Dirk and Dave. They’re five and one, respectively. Vriska’s dating this goofball pianist named John Egbert- who is waiting for the right moment to propose. Kanaya is engaged to this mysterious author who is currently in Paris.  Apparently she’s Eridan’s rival or some shit.

“Damara and Mituna clearly have some unresolved romantic issues but Damara’s so hung up Rufioh. Aradia is single and proud. Nepeta and Equius are continuing with their weird friendship/romance. Kurloz and Meulin are divorced. Gamzee and Tavros are in that awkward they both like each other phase, but neither are willing to admit it. 

“Aranea and Porrim are getting a little old for the whole we’re not together but we are still ‘secretly’ seeing each other thing. Horuss and Rufioh are totally getting divorced.”

“And you?”

“Can’t you see the ring dumbass?” Meenah demands, waving it in you’re face.

“Who?”

“Who do you think, Captor?”

You whip around and search the floor. Cronus’ ring glints in the light and you feel your jaw hit the floor. Meenah laughs when you turn back around.

“How.”

“Sometimes, it’s just meant to be.”

You actually feel like throwing the punch bowl at Meenah but your hands stop halfway through the action when Feferi arrives.

“Sollux,” she smiles kindly, “you look well.”

“Hey, Feferi,” you greet.

You spend the rest of the night with Feferi on the bleachers. Talking about everything- except Eridan who is absent. You’re confessing everything and so is she.

“How did you know my name in kindergarten?” you ask.

“It was written on your backpack,” Feferi answers.

“You could read?”

“I always have been reading at a higher level.”

Feferi’s a teacher now. Her students have some of the highest averages in the state. Her love for learning and talent as absorbing knowledge gives her an advantage over teachers who only have one or two special subjects.

Suddenly, you’re overwhelmed with the desire to ask Feferi if she’s read Eridan’s book. You pull out your worn and well-read copy from your jacket.  You wanted to get Eridan to sign it- if he had shown up.

Feferi makes an odd face when he shows it to her. She takes it into her hands, gently and runs her fingers lightly over the cover. Her second reaction is to open to the dedication page.

“I called off our engagement because of this,” Feferi whispers, fingers tracing the words.

Your hand finds hers and you hold on tightly.

“I’m sorry,” you respond, mouth feeling dry.

“Don’t be,” she’s smiling. “I just couldn’t marry someone who was so obviously in love with someone else.”

You want to ask her what she means but before you know it, she’s gone with your copy of Nadir left beside you in her place. You take the copy and finger to the third page.

Nadir- the lowest point

You own every one of Eridan’s four books, but Nadir- his first will always be your favourite. They are all stand alone, with stark different plots, worlds and characters.  Each feels like a different author writes them because everything about them is so different and unique. But at the same time, the connecting theme is the writing style because it’s so Eridan. It’s always been Eridan.

You’re four when you have your first kiss.

It doesn’t really count because it’s innocent and you don’t really understand the implications. But it means something. You’re at the park- Mituna’s babysitting but chatting it up with Latula. She’s okay.

It happens after you notice another boy, a little older maybe by a year, sitting underneath a tree. He looks sad. You grab a sunny, yellow flower walk up to him.

“Please don’t be sad,” you whisper.

A boy, with dark hair and bright green eyes looks up. His eyes are filled with tears.

“My mom just died,” he whispers.

“She’s in a better place now,” you promise and thrust the flower forward.

The boy narrows his eyes but accepts the flower.

“Thank you,” he whispers, sniffling a little.

 “My mom gives kisses when I’m sad,” you say. “Do you think it would help you too?”

“My mom’s dead,” the boy repeats forlornly.

You give him a toothy grin before swooping in and pressing your lips against the other boy’s. It’s quick and harmless. You pull away and give the boy and even bigger grin. 

His lips quirk up a little at the edges.

“Thank you,” he says again.

“Anytime!” you chirp.

Mituna’s calling you now and you turn to run away.

“Bye!” you call over your shoulder.

When you’re nineteen, Eridan admits that he refused to go to school until he was eight, due to his brother’s, older by six years, success.

He’s never told anyone that before. Everyone thinks that he’s their age.

It’s after the reunion and you’re walking through the park Mituna use to take you to.  It’s the long route back to your parent’s house- where you’re staying- but you like the time to think.

You nearly have a heart attack when you see Eridan scribbling in a notebook against a tree.

“How can you even see?” you call.

Eridan doesn’t respond physically.

“Go away Captor.”

“Never thought you’d have to see me again, huh?”

You cross the park and plop down in front of him. The book feels heavy against your heart.

“Why Ahab?”

Eridan’s pale eyes flicker up momentarily.

“It’s my grandfather’s name,” he mutters.

“Are you working on your next book?”

You lean over and attempt to peek into Eridan’s notebook.  He snaps in shut and the air blows into your face.

“You weren’t at the reunion,” you accuse. “You left me to fend to myself.”

Truthfully, you and Eridan barely qualified as friends and you don’t know what’s possessed you to be so friendly with him.  But you still have this special language that you two shared in that awkward not really friendship of your teen years.

“I had better things to do.”

“I didn’t want to face you.”

“Everyone was asking for you.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“Fuck you, Captor.”

“Fuck you, Captor.”

“I heard you and Feferi broke up.”

“It was mutually beneficial.”

“Pretty crazy about Meenah and Cronus, though.”

“Some things are meant to be, I guess.”

You scowl at him but then you are pulling out your copy of Nadir.

“It’s my favourite,” you confess.

“You get it?”

You scoff. It is your book.

“Can you sign it?”

Eridan nods and gently takes the book from Sollux. He writes underneath the definition on the third page.

“Why call it nadir?”

“I was at my lowest when I wrote this and my plot followed that.”

Eridan’s face is inexplicably sad when he hands the book back. You open it up and look at Eridan’s signature. There is a short message.

The beginning happened.

You look at his face, but he’s not looking at you. His notebook rolls off his lap opens on the ground.  You reach to pick it up and notice the bookmark.  It’s a pressed flower. It’s a faded yellow.

“Why are you sad?” you ask but don’t add the: ‘this time.’

“I lost the girl of my dreams because I’m in love with someone else.”

“Unrequited love is the worst, but not a reason to be sad.”

“Saying that doesn’t change that I’m sad.”

“My mom use to say that a kiss can make anyone smile.”

You’re name is Sollux Captor and you have been unknowingly in love with the same person since you were four years old.

And that person has been knowingly in love with you for the same amount of time.