Chapter Text
On a Sunday morning in late March, an Airbus A319 takes off from the Denver airport. Two women are sitting next to each other in row 8 of that airplane: the taller of the two occupies 8C, the aisle seat, while the shorter is in 8B, the middle. A young girl, perhaps ten years old, sits by the window. The plane is on its way to Orange County. These three passengers’ ultimate destination is Disneyland, but their visit to the happiest place on earth seems not to be uppermost in their minds: the girl’s eyes are closed and headphones cover her ears, and the two adults are focused on an iPad, engaged in an argument over who will hold it. Eventually, the taller one seems to emerge victorious.
SET I
When was the last time you walked for more than an hour? Describe where you went and what you saw.
MB: I hate walking.
HW: I am aware of that, thank you. Every time I try to convince you to take a romantic walk with me, you try to talk me into going running instead. Outdoor exercise! Nauseating. Exercise should be undertaken only at designated times, in a gym.
MB: Running outdoors is invigorating. Walking outdoors is a waste of time.
HW: I’m so glad you think romance is a waste of time.
MB: I’m pretty sure you know that isn’t what I think. Just because our Venn diagrams of activities that count as romantic don’t completely overlap…
HW: What about invigorating activities? Many people hike and find that quite invigorating.
MB: I’m not one of them.
HW: Well, I’m not either. Answer the question.
MB: I have no idea when I last walked for an hour. I think Pete and I might have a couple weeks ago, when we were investigating the complaints against that student, the one who was stalking her professor. We went to dorm rooms. To a couple of apartments. As for what we saw, we… saw the people who lived in them. Come on, this is boring. Couldn’t we just read instead?
HW: No. You promised you’d do the small-talk questions with me; Claudia for some reason wants to know how different the experience is.
MB: She’s just messing with you. Of course it’s going to be different—we aren’t strangers anymore! Don’t you figure it would be different even if we redid the other questions?
HW: Still, we have a two-hour flight to get through.
MB: I know. And I could get through it by reading.
HW: I myself walked for more than an hour with Claudia just last week.
MB: God, why?
HW: She needed to clear her head. And calm down.
MB: I’ll repeat: god, why?
HW: One of the reviewers of her paper made comments that were less than generous.
MB: And for the trifecta: god, why?
HW: I’ve no idea. Her work is excellent, and well-expressed besides. My belief is that he resented her eloquence—those who are plodding do consider agility a flaw.
MB: So even you didn’t voluntarily walk for an hour. You had to be forced into it by Professor Plodding.
HW: Oh all right. Would you consider joining me at some point for a romantic half-hour walk?
MB: Cap it at twenty minutes and you have a deal.
HW: All right. Done.
MB: Excellent. Anyway, I bet we’ll get it out of the way in our first twenty minutes at Disney.
What was the best gift you ever received and why?
MB: These are just traps. That’s all they are: traps. I totally see why it’s better for people who’ve never met before to answer them.
HW: The best gift I ever received was… the goldfish Charles gave me on my seventh birthday.
MB: And the difference between you and me is that for you I guess they aren’t traps. Don’t you think you should have said something like “of course the best gift I ever received was you, Myka”? Just to be polite?
HW: You weren’t given to me as a gift. Charles actually went out and bought a fish, a bowl, blue rocks, and a plastic palm tree, with his own money. He forgot to buy food, but that was easily remedied.
MB: So Charles gave you a goldfish that could have died of starvation, and that’s your best gift? What about what I got you for Christmas?
HW: You gave me a yellow coat.
MB: To match your hat!
HW: Yes. The one that makes Christina laugh uncontrollably. And now she laughs uncontrollably at my coat as well.
MB: I can’t help it if she has bad taste in outerwear. Besides, I was mostly thinking about safety: you’ll never be hit by a car while you’re wearing that coat. You shine like a beacon.
HW: A mortified beacon. Yes. That is better than a goldfish.
MB: A starving goldfish. And I was going to say that you’re the best gift I ever received, but now I’ve decided to go with one time when Pete forgot my birthday and gave me a half-empty box of Tic Tacs he found in the glove compartment of our cruiser. Plus they were that disgusting orange flavor, and not even sugar-free.
HW: You think you’re going to upset me, but I remain unperturbed.
MB: I’m glad somebody is.
If you had to move from Colorado where would you go, and what would you miss the most about Colorado?
HW: Possibly I would go back to England, if I could find a position there. Or I’d go anywhere I could find a position, really; academics can’t be overly particular. And I don’t know what I’d miss about Colorado. Certainly not the weather… possibly the public schools.
MB: Now you really are trying to tick me off.
HW: I am? What have I said this time?
MB: You’d miss the public schools more than you’d miss me?
HW: I assumed you would come with me. If I had to move from Colorado. Are you saying you’d refuse to move with me? With us?
MB: Oh. I… okay, you got me. In my defense, I technically moved in with you only two months ago, and I still have my lease.
HW: So Christina and I would leave, and you’d move back into your apartment and…
MB: And miss you more than words could ever say. But no, you’re right. If I had to move from Colorado, I’d go wherever you were going. And as for what I’d miss, that would be your getting suited up in your yellow winter gear, if we moved somewhere warmer.
HW: You see? That wasn’t so difficult.
MB: Just don’t be surprised when you get Tic Tacs as an anniversary present.
How did you celebrate last Halloween?
HW: As I certainly hope you recall, after we dropped Christina off at her Halloween party, we decided to go to your apartment and… how can I put this delicately… eschew costumes. Or I suppose one could say we were costumed as—
MB: Next question!
Do you read a newspaper often and which do you prefer? Why?
MB: Denver Post. I don’t know if I really prefer it, but it’s always lying around somewhere in the office.
HW: The New York Times. Purely out of habit.
MB: You can’t kid me. It’s because of the crossword and how superior you feel once you’ve done the Saturday one.
HW: Oh, as if you don’t feel superior when you manage to get your hands on it and finish it first? But all right. Fine. Out of sheer egotism, I prefer to read the New York Times.
MB: Man, if you’re being honest about that, you must have really meant it about the goldfish.
HW: Which one of us is reputedly the one who can’t let things go? You’ll have to refresh my memory.
What is a good number of people to have in a student household and why?
HW: And here we see that the original experimental design was for undergraduates.
MB: So are we answering for students or just people?
HW: People, I think.
MB: I get the feeling my answer had better be three. As had yours, by the way.
HW: Rest assured, it is.
C: My answer’s one. Just me. Or no, one and a half: I’m getting a cat.
HW: How can you possibly hear us over whatever earsplitting music is making its way through your headphones? And a cat? When did you decide you needed a cat?
C: I like cats. Just because you and Myka are weird and don’t like pets doesn’t mean everybody has to be like that.
MB: You should get a goldfish. In this purported future when you’re living by yourself. When’s that starting, by the way? When we get home from this little Disney adventure?
C: I wish. I’m counting the days till college. And I don’t want a fish; all they do is open and close their mouths.
MB: I’ve watched both you and your mom open and close your mouths. Maybe that shouldn’t be the factor that determines which creatures you’re willing to live with.
HW: I for one cannot believe that our household is so awful that you feel the need to count the days until you leave it.
C: Honestly, Mom, you’re kind of smothery.
HW: I am not!
C: It’s a little better with Myka around.
MB: Thanks. I should get that on a business card. Myka Bering: your first line of defense against smothering.
C: But I still want to be on my own.
HW: But a cat.
C: I like cats. You don’t have to. I’m turning my music back up now.
If you could invent a new flavor of ice cream, what would it be?
HW: And here we see that the original experiment was designed some time ago. Because is there an approach to ice cream that hasn’t been tried? I think I remember reading something about sriracha and cucumber not long ago.
MB: I don’t like ice cream.
HW: It’s true that I’ve never seen you eat it. Why don’t you like it?
MB: If people ask, I always say it’s the sugar, but actually I dropped an ice cream cone once and kind of got yelled at. The experience stuck with me.
HW: How old were you?
MB: Fourteen.
HW: Fourteen?
MB: Yeah… I know. I should’ve had a thicker skin by then.
HW: That is not what I was going to say.
MB: No, I really should have. It was all part of that “too serious for my own good” thing, but there I was, reacting like a five-year-old, staring down at my ice cream on the sidewalk with my lip trembling, seeing it as a symbol for everything being drastically wrong.
HW: Would you mind if I made some attempt to change that association?
MB: What, by letting me drop some and then not yelling at me?
HW: In a sense.
MB: Um. You have that look on your face.
HW: You have that look on your face, too.
MB: What look?
HW: The one that involves blushing.
What is the best restaurant you’ve been to in the last month that your partner hasn’t been to? Tell your partner about it.
MB: Hey, given how often Pete makes me go to new places for lunch, I might actually win this one!
HW: This is not about winning or losing.
MB: Are you sure?
HW: Perhaps later. All right, what is the best restaurant Pete has made you go to in the last month? That I haven’t been to?
MB: I don’t think you’ve been to Mercantile. In Union Station. They make their croissants fresh every day… need I say more?
HW: Pete and croissants are one of my favorite combinations, as you know.
MB: He ate only two. And not even at the same time.
HW: How disappointing.
MB: Not really. They were ham and cheese; it would have been a huge mess. Besides, he doesn’t need to win any more bets, as far as I’m concerned.
HW: No, he doesn’t. But you must admit, it can be entertaining when he tries.
MB: Entertaining, disturbing… potayto, potahto.
HW: Speaking of potatoes, Claudia took me to Work & Class last week. She wanted to go for happy hour, during which she ate a great many green chile cheese fries and forced me to order something called a “big pig in a blanket.”
MB: Psh. I’ve been to Work & Class. Pete once had three orders of their chickpea croquettes. Three large orders, and he wouldn’t even let me try them.
HW: You and I should go, and you can try the croquettes. I don’t recommend the blanketed pig, however.
Describe the last pet you owned.
MB: My last pet was my only pet, and he looked, as I’ve mentioned, like a malamute. On account of being a malamute.
HW: My last pet was my only pet as well: my goldfish. Who was more orange than gold, and rather small, but with an extremely lacy, dramatic tail fin.
MB: And the goldfish’s name was…?
HW: Mister.
MB: Mister Goldfish?
HW: No, just Mister.
MB: I don’t get it.
HW: You don’t need to.
What is your favorite holiday? Why?
MB: I used to say I liked Arbor Day. I thought it sounded more interesting than something like Christmas.
HW: But what is your actual favorite?
MB: Christmas. I’d’ve thought you could tell.
HW: You complained through the entire Christmas season. Except when you were sleeping, and even then I’m fairly certain you mumbled something about inappropriate commercialization.
MB: I was dreaming about being chased by a dollar sign wearing a Santa suit. Probably.
HW: So you see why I am dubious about your answer.
MB: I like real Christmas.
HW: You did look like a delighted toddler when the snow started on Christmas Eve.
MB: See. I told you.
HW: I might have to say I prefer Christmas now too. Just because of how widely you smiled.
MB: But really?
HW: But really? Well, this past year… Halloween. Because of the lack of costumes.
MB: Did you forget that Christina can hear you over the music?
C: It’s okay, Myka. We’ve had The Talk. I didn’t like it, but we had it.
MB: Is there some holiday when nobody says any words? That’s my new favorite.
Tell your partner the funniest thing that has ever happened to you when you were with a small child.
HW: I suppose my funniest story concerns the time that Christina—
C: Mom, don’t.
HW: You don’t know what I’m going to say.
C: I don’t have to. Whatever it is, just don’t. For me?
HW: Oh, all right. For you, my darling daughter whom I smother, I’ll humiliate a different child. Let’s see… oh, I know. Do you remember the year Charles visited for your birthday, darling? Were you turning five?
C: Four.
HW: We had a party, and one of Christina’s little friends suggested that Charles and I must be husband and wife.
MB: Seriously? Why?
HW: I believe it was because we speak alike: clearly, the people who talked similarly strangely had to constitute a matched pair. In any case, I explained that he was my brother, from England, and she blithely ran to her mother and told her, very loudly, that in England, brothers and sisters marry each other.
MB: Well, you guys are pretty weird over there…
HW: After the initial shock faded, I think even Charles laughed. But there was that initial shock.
MB: Actually, shock features in mine too: Pete almost stole a kid from her mom.
HW: That seems like something of a shock for everyone involved.
MB: I think the kid just wanted a ride in a police car, but she totally had him convinced that her mother wasn’t anywhere around and we’d have to drive around and look for her.
HW: And what was the funny part?
MB: Pete’s shocked face when her mother raced across the park and called him a kidnapper. In second place: the kid’s disappointed face when she realized she wasn’t going to get her ride-along.
HW: I assume everything was sorted out in the end?
MB: The mom eventually calmed down. I think the fact that we were actually wearing uniforms—and did have the keys to the police car—helped us make our case. Actually, the funniest part is that Pete asked her out, and she said yes.
HW: I’m glad you didn’t ask her out.
MB: Why not? This was years ago.
HW: What if she hadn’t been a mistake?
MB: Anybody who wasn’t you would have been a mistake.
HW: Now you’re the one looking at me that way.
MB: I know. And now you’re the one blushing.
HW: I am not. I don’t blush.
MB: You’d better explain that to your capillaries.
What gifts did you receive on your last birthday?
MB: I wish I could say somebody gave me a goldfish.
HW: You do not wish that.
MB: No, it’s true, I don’t. Let’s see, what did you get me… oh, that’s right: nothing.
HW: Because I did not know it was your birthday. Because you did not tell me it was your birthday.
MB: You couldn’t sneak a look at my driver’s license like a normal girlfriend?
HW: You claim to like your privacy. It’s taken me some time to learn just how many of your claims are false.
MB: They’re not false. They’re situational.
HW: On my last birthday, I received a lovely box of stationery from Christina. And yet now that I think of it, all the cards feature artwork… artwork that in turn features cats. Were you trying to tell me something, darling?
C: Mom. I’m listening to Star Talk Radio now. It’s not like the music; I have to concentrate. Please.
HW: Well, you did say please. I’ll accept that.
MB: At least she was reasonably subtle in her birthday messaging. Pete handed me a Rockies ticket and said “Happy birthday, we’re going next Saturday.”
HW: Even if I had known it was your birthday, I wouldn’t have given you a ticket to a Rockies game—because I do know that you dislike baseball.
MB: Yeah. Pete knows that too. He just didn’t want to go by himself.
HW: So perhaps my sadly uninformed approach was better after all.
MB: Well…
HW: You asked “did you put extra effort into that just because it’s my birthday” after a certain… occurrence. Which is of course how I found out.
MB: Okay. God, if you could someday learn to keep your voice down. But yes. True. I have to admit, I enjoyed that a lot more than the baseball game.
HW: I should hope so.
TBC