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You jolted awake, gasping, the air too thin, like something had been smothering you in your sleep. Clutching your throat tightly, your nails digging in and leaving harsh marks.
At first, you were frozen in place like a deer caught in car headlights. The silence was deafening and the darkness was engulfing you like a black hole. You couldn’t help it but zone out for a bit, completely being out of it.
Focusing on your trembling hands, staring at them as your surroundings slowly blurred out of your vision. You could hear lingering whispers as if you weren’t alone, like there was someone there next to you.
It wasn't a cordial company. It was terror itself.
What came out as pleasant at first turned into insanity. The whispering progressed into something further. More destructive, ‘they’ were telling you to harm yourself in unspeakable ways.
‘They’ urged you to do it, nagging you until finally giving in. You grabbed the pencil sharpener blade from your usual hiding spot, letting out shaky breaths as you looked at it.
You couldn’t handle it anymore.
You pulled up your sleeves, then pressed the blade hard against your skin before quickly swiping it. One cut defeated the lingering fear in you. Each cut was worse than the last, eventually covering your whole arms in cuts. The blood slowly welled up on the surface in large beads, simultaneously clotting in some areas.
Though, it wasn't enough. It didn’t satisfy you, it was nowhere near being enough.
You pulled down your pants, just enough to see your upper thighs. As you stared at them, you slowly positioned the blade with your shaky hand before swiping the blade aggressively. Clenching your teeth as the pain was too much to bear by this point.
After quite some time you snapped out of it, the voices stopped. You had subconsciously started crying without even noticing. Feeling the wetness on your cheeks as you started to weep, choking on the quiet sobs that came from you.
Your arms and upper thighs were in horrible condition, they looked mutilated. There was barely any space that wasn’t covered in wide wounds. The sight was too disgusting.
It was then when it hit you. Without getting to sense it, with no warning, with no time to even move.
The warm, chunky liquid splattered on the sheets, on your clothing, everywhere. It was a mess.
You clutched your stomach as the liquid dripped from your mouth. Unaware of what to do anymore. One second you’re gasping for breath and destroying yourself as a whole, the next you were spewing all over yourself.
At that moment you silenced your sobs, hearing slight movement.
You forgot that Ronin was a light sleeper for a long while. This wasn’t good. You couldn’t hide the evidence of what happened no matter how fast you were at doing it.
In the seconds leading up to his approach to your room, it happened.
He twisted the doorknob, leaving it slightly ajar before opening it fully.
’’Are you okay—’’
‘’.’’
‘’..’’
‘’…’’
Complete utter silence.
It was painfully drawn out.
Ronin stared at you as you looked up, slightly startled. Neither of you had expected this.
One of you had to speak. Just one word would’ve been enough. But who’d be brave enough to go first?
Of course, it was Ronin.
“Say something,” he snapped. “Preferably not ‘go away,’ though I’ll take what I can get.”
His voice cracked halfway through, like he was trying to sound angry but couldn’t quite hold it.
You blinked, caught off guard by the weak attempt at humor. It didn’t quite land..
“Go on,” Ronin said, voice carefully neutral.
Your breath caught in your throat as you heard Ronin speak.
His words made you feel even more sick. He was disappointed in you, wasn’t he?
You froze in place as you couldn’t speak. It felt like someone was choking you, closing your airways to prevent you from speaking. Tears started to creep up at the corners of your eyes again.
You looked down at your hands as you started to fidget with them, you couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes.
Ronin sighed sluggishly before stepping into the room, slowly approaching the bed. He remained motionless for what felt like an eternity, not a single sound escaping his lips.
“Come on, everything is okay.” He said as he chose his words with care, not wanting to upset you even more.
“Let’s clean you up’’
He then slowly helped you up, letting your arm rest around his shoulder for support.
“You know,” he murmured, “most people ask before getting this close. You’re really testing my patience, Darlin’.”
Your grip on his shoulder tightened just a little, not because you were annoyed, but it was because of the nickname. It caught you off guard again.
You didn’t answer, but a shaky breath left you that might’ve passed for a scoff.
Your body was in a weak state, that was obvious. He had to protect you at all cost to not injure yourself even more.
You couldn’t even bear to look at him still, no matter how many times he assured you that everything was gonna be alright.
He guided you to the bathroom, sitting you down on the edge as he turned the faucet on, making sure the water is just right for you.
“There,” he said, checking the water with his fingers. “Not too hot, not too cold… see? I even impressed myself this time.”
You made a sound in your throat. It wasn’t quite a laugh, but not silence either.
Ronin looked pleased with himself anyway. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” he muttered before winking.
Ronin didn’t ask about what happened, he had to do it later. He sensed that you weren’t in the right state of mind. He couldn’t just pry it out of you, that wasn’t okay.
Once the bath was filled, he moved to help you undress. You shook your head, eyes locked on the floor.
You couldn’t handle it.
Not like this. Not right now.
The thought of letting someone see you like that made your throat close up. You hated this. You hated all of it.
You couldn’t meet his eyes. You couldn’t stand the way your body. It felt foreign, wrong, like it never belonged to you in the first place.
It was sickening, you felt so disgusting.
Ronin stepped back as soon as you shook your head.
“Okay,” he said softly.
“I will wait outside, alright?” he said softly, stepping out and leaving the door slightly open. He stayed close, just in case you needed him.
—
After you took a bath you slipped on your robe before returning to your room, Ronin had already prepared for you a fresh set of folded clothes. Not only that, he cleaned up the mess on the bed.
Once dressed, you left your room to search for him.
Thankfully, he was nearby.
He was in the kitchen, waiting for you with a warm drink on the table for you.
You hesitated in the doorway, unsure if you deserved the softness he offered so easily.
Ronin glanced up, one brow arched. “Are you planning to stand there all night, or do I have to drag you in again?”
You rolled your eyes faintly, stepping inside before he could say anything else.
Then, you sat down, hands wrapping around the cup. You didn’t speak, and neither did he.
But the silence wasn’t heavy this time. It felt like permission to breathe.
“You didn’t have to do that,” you muttered, eyes fixed on the mug.
“I know,” he replied simply.
“I hate feeling like this,” you whispered, barely audible.
He didn’t respond with words. Just reached across the table, offering his hand. You didn’t take it. But you didn’t pull away either.
—
After you finished your drink Ronin led you to his bedroom, guiding you to sit down. He then pulled out a medkit from underneath his bed.
’’Let me treat your self-harm, please, Angel.’’ he said, voice low. Then, quieter, “Don’t make me chase you around the room with bandages again. I’m getting too old for this.”
That one caught you off guard. Your lips twitched, it wasn’t quite a smile, but it was the closest thing you’d managed in days.
“I doubt you could catch me anyway,” you muttered, voice barely above a whisper.
Ronin grinned, and for a moment, everything felt just a little more bearable.
Your first instinct was to pull back, to cover your arms, to make yourself smaller even, but Ronin always managed to crack you up a little, no matter what.
“I can handle it though,” you muttered, voice cracking.
“You shouldn’t have to.” Ronin mentioned calmly with a slight frown.
He was always full of surprises.
It's like he saw through every wall you tried to keep up. You didn’t know how he did it, but it was something you acknowledged, it just had to be noticed and even appreciated.
“Please.”
His voice cracked as he sank to his knees, arms wrapping loosely around your leg. He rested his head there, as if being close to you was the only thing keeping him together.
“Let me take care of you. Just this once. Let me try.”
Finally, you nodded once, barely.
Once he received that confirmation he smiled gently.
He made sure to be careful when treating your wounds, they were terrible. He didn’t want to hurt you even more than you were currently.
Ronin squeezed a bit of ointment onto his fingers, gently rubbing it onto the areas. He then grabbed the bandages in the medkit and started to wrap it around your arms and upper thighs, making sure it wasn’t too tight.
With the medkit closed and the last bandage in place, he wrapped you in his arms, careful and slow. You rested your head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart, letting the warmth wash over you like a quiet kind of safety.
The little things meant more than he’d ever know.
His quiet love. His gentle care.
It didn’t feel like too much. It felt right.