Work Text:
I understood. It was a heavy petition. A difficult order... even for me.
"Dean, you are our best hope."
You were looking down. And then you stared at me, angry, scared.
"No. No way. You can't ask me to do this, Cas. Not this."
You weren't refusing the order, you were begging me not to fulfilled my order. You were begging me... but I didn't understand for what at that moment.
Then Uriel walked towards you... but I didn't hear what he said. I followed him with my eyes, but my mind was thinking about the fear I had notices on you. The fear I didn't understand.
And, suddenly, we were back at where Alastair was hold prisoner.
You were tense. You were breathing heavily. Your eyes were fixed on him, and I could feel that fear, emerging from your body, like a wave of hot, asphyxiating air.
"This devil's trap is old Enochian. He's bound completely."
You took your time to response. Your voice then sounded as if the fear was controlling you.
"Fascinating. Where's the door?"
You wanted to hide. You wanted to run away, as fast as you can. But, even if I wanted it too, I couldn't let you go. Not then.
"Where are you going?"
"Hitch back to Cheyenne, thank you very much."
But Uriel was faster than you. I still don't know why, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. All I could do was look at you, your muscles tensed, your blood pressure increasing, you fear growing. But Uriel wasn't the fear's cause.
"Everybody's dying these days. And hey, I get it. You're all-powerful. You can make me do whatever you want. But you can't make me do this."
You sounded desperate, so desperate. You turned back at looked at me, and I walked to you, unconsciously.
"This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it."
I was praying at that time, praying for you to understand that I didn't want you to do it. It wasn't me the one who was asking, the one who was giving the orders. I could feel your that fear, I could hear you screaming from the back of your mind, shouting at me, swearing at me. I could swear I even heard you insulting me, the way you usually do.
But I wasn't expecting your answer.
"I want to talk to Cas alone."
Uriel looked at me, and sighed. He knew I was the only one who could convince you, even if I was the last who wanted to.
"I think I'll go seek revelation. We might have some further orders."
"Well, get some donuts while you're out."
Uriel laughed. Back then, it seemed like he was actually enjoying the situation.
"Ah, this one just won't quit, will he? I think I'm starting to like you, boy."
When he vanished, your look was saying much more than your fake joker mood.
"You guys don't walk enough. You're gonna get flabby."
I didn't know how to response to that poor intent of change of subject, so I just didn't.
"You know, I'm starting to think junkless has a better sense of humor than you do."
You looked upset with me. Disappointed. I didn't know what do you wanted me to say.
"Uriel's the funniest angel in the garrison. Ask anyone."
You came at where I stood. That tense, unnatural wave walking with you as a heavy, unwanted armour. You needed answers. And I gave them without hesitating.
"What's going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?"
"My superiors have begun to question my sympathies."
"Your sympathies?"
You didn't know back then. Neither did I. We were too oblivious, even naïve.
"I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I've begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment."
I felt naked, I couldn't look at you. I sometimes wonder if I look at you with the same strength you looked at me then.
"Well, tell Uriel, or whoever...you do not want me doing this, trust me."
I didn't want you to.
"Want it, no. But I have been told we need it."
I begun to hate me for that, for forcing you into it. I wasn't aware of what I was feeling, because I didn't know what feeling was.
"You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out."
I'd never dare to say what I was actually thinking. Whatever walked back out, it would still be you, and I would accepted it. And your voice... your fear was talking thought it, shaking, begging me to stop.
"For what it's worth, I would give anything not to have you do this."
We couldn't look at each other. You couldn't look at me for what I have asked you.
xxx
Your suffering made me feel. Feel, Dean.
"I'm considering disobedience."
"Good."
"No, it isn't. For the first time, I feel..."
Emotions. Doubt, grief, shame... love? And all because I'd been commanded to make you torture Alastair. Because I had to watch the worst of you, knowing you'd be suffering because of your regret.
You made me feel. You opened a door I wouldn't have crossed if I hadn't known you.
But you are special Dean, you have always been, even if you don't believe it.
xxx
I couldn't look at you. Not after what I'd done to you, not while you were lying on a hospital bed, tied to machines and tubes, looking dreadful. No, because I put you there, and all was my fault.
"Are you all right?"
"No thanks to you."
I knew how you were looking at me. And I hated me because of it.
"You need to be more careful."
"You need to learn how to manage a damn devil's trap."
"That's not what I mean."
You were angry, and you had motives for it. My heart ached then, I felt again a pressure on it, as asphyxiating as the fear I noticed on you before.
"Uriel is dead."
"Was it the demons?"
"It was disobedience. He was working against us."
I still can remember that silence between us.
"Is it true?"
You needed answers. I wanted to be honest, so I looked at you. Whatever you asked, I would answer straight, truthfully.
"Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?"
There was no point at lying. As I talked, I felt your fear again, then combined with a grief that couldn't be spoken.
"Yes. When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to hell and we fought our way to get to you before you—"
"Jump-started the apocalypse."
"And we were too late."
"Why didn't you just leave me there, then?"
I did not blame you. I don't. And I won't ever blame you.
"It's not blame that falls on you, Dean, it's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it."
You could probably noticed my fear.
"You have to stop it."
And the heat, dark wave of fear was there again.
"Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean? Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean!"
"I don't know."
"Bull!"
"I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you."
Then, when you answered... those were the words, the tears that broken my heart. The emotions I've just started to developed were falling down as fast as your fear grew.
"Well, then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not—I'm not strong enough. Well, I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me."
I didn't know what to say, what to do. How could I comfort you when I had caused part of your suffer?
I promised myself not to hurt you again.
Only God knows how hard I've tried.