Work Text:
I'm jealous of you
i dont see how any could not be
at least anyone in my position
you have overcome what i have to go though
you are happy. i want to be happy.
you are set to be happier in the future
you will be happier.
you are with people you love
you are with people i love
you have them at your fingertips
they care for you.
i will not lower your past suffering
you have been where i am
you have been lower
but you came back stronger
i am unsure i can do the same.
i know i am spoiled
i know i am selfish
i know that they love me too
or at least i hope they do
that is selfish of me to think, to want.
they do not owe me anything
i owe them the world
they love you for who you are and who you become
i fear they will hate who i am, who i can be
what if they don't like how i become?
i will become undesirable, unnecessary, something to talk of with harsh words and averted eyes
i dont want them to be there when i become awful
i want them to remember me kindly
but i dont want them to leave
i want too many things
i wish i could be like you
i need to create a group like you have
its hard
i fear my friends are tired of me
i pull away, i isolate
and i know that will only make it worse.
if i tell them about how i feel. she will assure me
i will feel as though i prodded the kind words out of her
i am forcing her to care about me by being volitile
she doesnt care. i need to see
i must become low maintenance
i must become simple and easily digestible
i need to become easily loved
i need to become better
i make myself small
i must dissappear slowly so she doesn't realize when i'm gone
its for the best either way, since im only a distraction, and i only hurt her