Work Text:
Here is a deep and introspective look at what it’s like to be Kursed’s. I assure you this will (not) be fair and balanced to that interpretation of the character
Venom system, Byad Guy bar
“Another!” Kursed half soberly demanded as she slapped more Lylat credits on the bar’s counter. She chucked the half-empty bottle of Vodka behind her, and it hit a patron’s head comically in a goofy way that he was not angry about.
“Sure, coming right up.” The male cat bartender responded, grabbing another bottle of Vodka from his Vodka dispenser.
“Thanks.” Kursed muttered as she took a second to collect her drunken thoughts.
She, as usual, had even more angst in her life. And it was not hard for her to forget why.
She was watching the TV screen just to the bar’s left, and it filled her with even more angst than usual.
There they were, the Star Fox team and Star Wolf team, all getting congratulated on saving Lylat from some weird fish calling themselves the Anglars. And Fox and Krystal had gotten back together.
And for some reason, this TV showed her an alternative universe or something.
Kursed downed the Vodka and threw it behind her.
“Damn it, I can’t believe they had a happy ending! This is not what Command was about! I hate happiness!” She roared to herself as everyone in the bar rolled their eyes.
“Well, I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!” She declared.
Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out her phone and checked her playlist. Right past the emo music was her edgy heavy metal. She played the most emo song she could find as she walked out of the bar in an attempt to aura farm…
Except she tripped and fell over a table, causing her even more angst.
“Argh, this makes me want to angst some more. I am the most angsty person ever.” Kursed declared.
“Amateur.” A mysterious hooded figure in a black coat told her.
“What was that?” Kursed spat back.
“Amateur. You think you know angst? You don’t know anything.” The figure declared. “I can teach you the true ways of angst if you want.”
“Okay, sure, why not? The last twenty times a stranger talked to me, we had sex, so I have no standards or concerns anyway that put me at ease.” She declared.
“Good. Meet me on top of the “Venom R Us” building in Venom City tomorrow to begin your training.” The hooded person declared.
They both then walked out of the bar, heading in different directions.
Later
Kursed was now back in her edgy ship, the Bitter-X, which was of course, painted black. And shaped like an edgy square or something.
Inside her ship, she went to her room, which was, of course, composed of a bed with black sheets, a simple table, and a computer terminal.
On the desk was her signed Venom flag, purple dye, and of course, her staff.
She took a second to collect her thoughts. Just what was she doing, hanging out with a random stranger from a bar?
“Oh, wait, that’s how most people meet their lovers and end up getting married.” She reminded herself.
Hoping to attract a mate, she went to her bathroom, put on her best black eyeliner, put on her most form-fitting pants and tank top, and left.
A bit later
“Finally… I made it.” Kursed muttered as she panted, stopping at the top of the staircase.
She had just climbed about ten flights of stairs leading to the roof of the building. She collapsed to the ground when she made it out of the stairwell.
“Well, well, well. What have we heard?” The mysterious hooded figure noted, from his sun chair, a few yards to the right.
Kursed caught her breath and got up. “I came, just as I promised.”
The figure chuckled. “Just like me. So, Kursed was it? Are you ready to learn how to angst and become a better character, truly?”
Kursed nodded earnestly. “Yes, anything.” She said, desperately hoping in the back of her mind that this guy was hot under his coat. And by hot she means sexy, not that he is getting heatstroke.
The hooded dude got up from his chair and walked over to her. He reached into his coat and pulled out a pack of papers.
“Here, read this.” He ordered.
Kursed complied and looked it over for a moment. “What is this? It's in Japanese,” she noted.
“Its the Japanese script for Star Fox Command. The sacred texts,” the hooded guy said.
“How is this supposed to help me? “ Krystal inquired.
“It’s the ancient text. The Japanese script is superior to the Western localization.” He insisted. “Anyways, read it later. Now, our first real lesson begins.”
He started to strike a pose. “In order to become a true angst lord, you must first pass a few trials.”
Kursed looks all cocky.” Bring it on.”
The hooded guy smirked. “Then let’s get started.” He said as he signaled for her to follow him.
Some random underground cavern, half an hour later
“Why are we down here?” Kursed inquired.
“A true angst lord must understand having ever-deep thoughts.” Her guide called as he tripped on a stalagmite.
Kursed groaned in frustration.
A bit later
Now they were inside some random office building’s lobby, of course, still wearing their dark outfits. All the random passerbys rolled their eyes at the duo but they paid no heed.
Alright, next lesson. Remember: never take responsibility for your own actions.” The hooded guy said.
Kursed smirked.
“Oh, I am a master at this. I left my family and my one-year-old son because I hated being a housewife.”
The hooded fox was taken aback. “Umm… that's a bit cold-hearted even for me. D-did you at least have a valid reason? Was the relationship unhealthy?”
She shook her head. “Nope, I loved him and was the one who wanted a son to begin with. I was very open about that. But then I realized I had to actually take responsibility for my child. And I can’t have that,” she said.
“So let me get this straight: you left your family for, I am guessing, years now, when your son was a year old, just to wallow in self-pity and go down a life of crime?” The hooded guy inquired.
Kursed smiled earnestly. “Yep. I just could not be a housewife. Housewives are bad things to be of course. Why should I have to take care of my son?”
“That's a pretty messed-up line of thought, lady. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being one. I mean, was that role even forced on you?” He pressed.
“Nope. I had the option to get a job and do what I wanted. It's all my own actions. I got the life I wanted but I realized I hated having to be responsible for my own actions.” Kursed insisted.
The hooded fox shook his head. “You are a real piece of work, you know that? Still, I guess you did pass my trial…” he grumbled. “But did you ever try to talk to him again, maybe say sorry?” He pressed.
Kursed smugly smiled. “No, my telepathy gave me… issues or some shit, and that makes it okay I left my family. I feel no remorse, and I also will never pay child support. I hate my family a lot and do not care about them, even though I chose to get married and had once wanted I child. I just hate responsibility that much! “ she yelled loudly. “Screw having kids, people who do are stupid and dumb; fucking off to the other end of the universe and wallowing in self-pity! That's what it's all of about!’ Kursed loudly declared, to the chagrin of her companion.
To their side, a few families shot glares at her, with one vixen mother holding her toddler, looking like she was about to cry.
“I am completely justified in doing this because I…. was angsting at the time! That makes me likeable!” Kursed ranted on, before the vixen’s husband threw his freaking shoe had the blue fox’s head, causing her to fall over.
The fox man walked back to his wife and hugged her, while Kursed angsted on the ground and threw a tantrum like a child. The hooded guy briefly apologized to the family and slipped them some money, then went back over to Kursed, helping her up.
“You really deserved that. I have never met a bigger narcissist than you. “ he scolded.
Kursed was about to give him a retort before she vaguely recalled another thing that might of mildly inconvenienced her earlier and she fell right back to the ground to throw a loud tantrum.
The hooded guy just rolled his eyes.
“Let's just move on to the next thing.”
Later, on top of the building
The hooded guy took Kursed out of the stairwell, carrying a personal computer with him. He began typing on the computer, which was situated on a table that was up on the roof.
“Okay, it’s done booting up.” Said the hooded guy.
Kursed glanced up from her phone to look at the computer. It was logged into a blank document.
“What’s all this?” She asked.
“Your final test. Type a story full of the most hated tropes and premises you can think people disdain.” He insisted
Kursed smiled wickedly, sat down, and started typing.
“I’ll add some…whatever shop they hate .” She started with.
“Yes!” The hooded guy said.
“Ànd maybe some Kursed to go along with it.” She added.
“Oh yes, the flamers are gonna be huge on this!” The hooded dude chimed in.
“And maybe I will put Krystal in this. But she’s been bastardized into an unlikable bitch!” Kursed noted evilly!
“Oooohhhh yessssss!” The hooded guy added, sounding like he was in the middle of an orgasm.
“And then this will be set in Command's timeline! And Krystal will bitch about everything in her life! And then become Kursed!” The emo vixen declared.
The hooded guy was frothing on the floor in excitement.
“And to top it off… she will not be responsible for her own actions and will be portrayed as in the right to be selfish!” Kursed finished.
“Stop, I can only get so hard!” The hooded guy added. “Ohhhhh, man, this is good. People are visceral; it’s returning what they hate, written by someone who hates their favorite characters! The hate will be strong. Well done, you passed!”
The two shared an evil laugh as she hit “post” after her fanfic was half edited. Kursed grinned evilly.
“Man, I hate happiness .” She mused.
The hooded guy gave a slow clap. “Now you understand. I write this stuff because I just hate this franchise. Why else would I insist on defiling its characters with my writing? Now it’s time for you to learn my true identity.”
He then removed his hood, revealing him to be a red Fox with eyeliner and a six on his forehead. “My name is Bob An Sty! “ he revealed.
Kursed smiled. “Cool. Wanna make out? I was sort of hoping we could. I am lonely.”
Bob smirked. “Then let us be forever alone together.”
They then made out and angsted.
The end