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The inside of the bar is steamy, loud and warm. From his corner seat, Charles observes Lewis walking around the tables like he’s dancing, bringing along with him trays of wine glasses, beers and espressos. He offers a bright smile to each person pushing the door of the establishment, greets the habitués without even asking for their orders. He knows them by heart.
Carlos is showing something to George on his laptop, probably concert tickets that are way too expensive for their means but that they’ll still get because they value music more than being able to feed themselves for the rest of the month. Lewis clicks his tongue as he passes behind them and takes the empty glasses off their table.
“Do you want anything else, guys?” he asks, loud enough to get all six pairs of eyes to look at him.
“When are you joining us, Lew?” George replies, as he dramatically spreads his arms. “You’re neglecting us for other cooler people?”
Lewis fakes a frown before smiling. “I should be able to join you in a couple of minutes but you know, George, unlike you, I am currently at work.”
“You should get here as fast as you can or you’ll miss Pierre’s story!” Max adds as if his friend needed more convincing to come sit at their table.
Charles raises his hand. “Can I have another beer, please? Pierre drank half of mine.”
“Jesus, I keep forgetting you’re legal, now. My baby’s growing so fast.” Lewis laments. “I’ll get it for you and I’ll sit with you for a while. Don’t finish the story without me.”
In a blink, he’s already off to another table. It’s always been like this. The boys started going to this bar a few months ago, after Carlos recommended it because he knew the guy who’d just bought it and it’d become their headquarters. Charles doesn’t even think that a week has gone by without at least one of them coming in ever since – whether it be the whole group spending some time together, which is apparently easier to do than in college even though they all attend the same university, Max passing by and stopping to cheer on Lewis or Pierre bringing one of his dates here.
Speaking of, the latter is giving all the juicy details about his newest crush to report, a girl who just joined the agency he’s doing his internship at.
“No, but guys, I swear she’s the one. It’s just something about her smile and the way she laughs at all my jokes. I mean, all my jokes. How rare do you think that is?”
“That doesn’t sound romantic to me, it’s quite concerning actually. She might be a bit stupid.” George says, his face blank as if he was being completely serious.
Sometimes, Charles finds it hard to read his mind. He thought George was impressive, even scary if he is to be completely honest, the first time Pierre introduced them. He dreaded the idea of finding himself alone with George until they had to walk a very drunk Pierre home together and started talking about tattoos, music and astrology on the way back. Charles now understands that what seems like coldness and guardedness at first sight is just in fact George being shy.
“You’re being mean, I am quite funny!”
“Yes, Pierre, you are the funniest, smartest, most beautiful man to ever walk on Earth. He’s just messing with you” Carlos says and the look on his face – a perfect mix of pity and malice – is so weird the whole table bursts out laughing.
“Ha ha ha,” Pierre sighs but there are still tears of laughter in the corner of his eyes, “you’re not being supportive. I’m telling you, this girl is the love of my life. I think I should ask her out someday.”
“Wait, wait, wait! Are you telling me that you’ve been talking about this chick for two hours but haven’t even had a proper conversation with her yet?” Max asks, his eyes wide open.
“Well… yes… but that’s not the point!”
“You’re insufferable, Pierre.” Lewis sighs, coming back with Charles’s beer and a chair that he sets up between George and Carlos before sitting down.
“The real point is : what happened to the delivery guy?”
Pierre seems to think for a moment and Charles wonders if he’s trying to remember who Alex is referencing.
“Oh, we went out on a couple of dates, hooked up and then realized that we weren’t a match. Haven’t heard from him in a couple of days to be honest.”
“But, you said you were in love with him, no?” Charles can’t help but ask. “I think I even remember you telling me that you’d found the love of your life two weeks ago.”
Pierre grabs his glass, downs it before looking at Charles.
“That was a long time ago, Charlie. Things change. I liked him, loved him maybe, but it’s over now. We’ve had our time together, that’s it.”
“That’s not how love works, Pierre! You can’t just fall in love every other week, otherwise it doesn’t mean anything, does it?”
Charles doesn’t get it. What he does get is that Pierre is hot – so hot that Charles sometimes wonders if Pierre wasn’t the reason he started questioning his attraction to men and figured out that yes, fantasizing about kissing his friend might mean that he wasn’t straight – and that it’s no wonder people are so open to get to know him. He has never had any trouble understanding the fact that Pierre could go on so many dates and find someone to flirt with everywhere he went. That’s not the problem.
The thing that he has a hard time accepting is that his friend will swear he falls in love every single time. People always say that love is rare and that it is something that only happens a couple of times in life and it must be the fiftieth time he hears Pierre say he’s in love with someone. How rare is it then? And most importantly, why has it never happened to Charles if it is so easy to fall in love? That is the problem.
“You’ll get it when you’ll fall in love, Charles. I swear to you it’s not that deep for some people.”
Charles hates this answer but he can’t say anything because Pierre knows better. Everyone around the table, everyone he’s ever met knows better than Charles when it comes to love. Some days, he wonders if there might be something wrong with him, why can’t he love anyone romantically? And most importantly, why can’t anyone love him?
When Charles gets up to have a cigarette in front of the bar, Max follows. They smoke in silence for a moment. It’s not like they’ve known each other for a long time. Charles only joined the group a couple of months ago when he changed college and Pierre introduced them. They all met earlier and have created years of memories before he arrived.
“Is it true?” Max suddenly asks. “What Pierre said, that you’ve never been in love.” he adds seeing the confused look on Charles’s face.
“Oh… erm, yes… I mean, you know there were girls and boys in Monaco that I flirted with, some I kissed in middle school, or hooked up with at high school parties but it never meant anything. I’ve never loved anyone. Or been loved for that I know of.”
Charles almost whispers the last part, as if he was telling Max his darkest secret. None of them says anything for a moment. Charles tries to focus on other things – the sound of the rain and the siren of a police car passing by – to avoid blushing.
Max is looking at him so intensely it’s unnerving. He feels like his eyes are undressing him, getting to the very bottom of his mind without asking for permission first. Charles could be stark naked right now and it would feel exactly the same. He doesn’t hate it, though. It’s intriguing.
“I hope it happens to you soon, Charles.” Max finally says. He stubs out his cigarette butt in the ashtray. “It feels very good to be in love. Even better to be loved.”
Charles doesn’t know why but he stays outside in the cold thinking about that moment long after Max’s gone back inside. He doesn’t notice the knot that has appeared in his stomach, small and strange and new.
Charles is late and he knows it. He wishes the conversation with his dad would’ve been shorter, easier, that his mom hadn’t burst out crying when he told them he’s dropping out of college to become a tattoo artist.
Charles is late and he hopes Alex won’t notice, that he will be so busy making sure everything is fine with the kids that he won’t have time to check where the boys are sitting in the room.
Tonight is Alex’s first show, the first time his students will show off what he’s taught them throughout the first semester. If Alex wasn’t such a genuinely nice person, Charles would’ve never attended a four-years old Christmas show. But then, his friend looked excited when he first told them about it that anyone who would have seen the look on his face — one of a puppy set free in a gigantic playground — would feel bad to not be there to support him.
That’s how Charles knows he loves Alex. Not romantically, no — this has yet to happen to him even though Max’s words from three years earlier still echo in his mind from time to time. But Alex’s become a true friend, someone for whom Charles would do such stupid things as watching kids wrapped up in red and green tulle shake it out on a stage.
Though he’s never been in love, Charles recognizes people who are. He sees love everywhere it flows around him, especially when it’s blooming between Alex and George. It was never obvious at first, you had to observe them very closely to notice it.
Their love lies in the way Alex only allows himself not to always be okay when it’s George asking him how he’s going. The way George looks at Alex first when he’s laughing. The way they both smile so stupidly — the first time he witnessed it Charles couldn’t even believe it was George’s face that looked so smitten — whenever they’re around each other.
“If these two don’t figure it out soon, I swear I might kill them.” Pierre had said once when it was only Charles, Max and him at the bar.
“People are not as quick as you are at figuring out their feelings, Pierre” Max had patiently replied.
Somehow, Charles had felt like he was looking at him. He didn’t know why.
“Alex is scared George might not be ready. George feels like Alex’s just being polite. Once they’ll figure out they’re just idiots, everything will just fall into place.”
It was Lewis who had spoken from behind the bar where he was cleaning plates. The room was empty except for them, the entrance long closed to any new clients. Max was helping clear out the place, bringing him empty glasses and throwing snacks leftovers.
“I don’t get why Alex’s so scared of George. He’s the sweetest of us all once you know him. Like why won’t he ask him to engineer for his show?” he mumbled.
Charles didn’t understand either. Alex had been talking about setting up his first show for weeks. He’d felt his own heart sink a little when his friend told them that he couldn’t do it because he didn’t have enough money to pay a sound engineer. When the boys told him to ask George, that he wouldn’t mind because it was his literal job, Alex had just pulled a weird face.
“Guys. Promise me you’ll shut your big mouths if I tell you a secret.” It’d been enough for Lewis to get their attention. “George. He’s going to do it. I asked him to and he immediately accepted – obviously. Alex doesn’t know yet so we had to go through his associate to get the keys but he is getting his show.”
“God, he’s so in love with him” had been the only thing Charles had said.
Later, when George and Alex will finally tell them that they are dating, none of the boys will be surprised. It’s an evidence even blind people could feel pulsating around these two. The first thing that will come to Charles’s mind – he would never say it out loud – is envy. He’s craving what Alex and George have, something that is so sure, so inexplicable it’s sacred.
During the last three years, he’s tried dating a few people in college for a while. Miserably failed to birth even the tiniest spark for any of them.
He’s hooked up with a man he met at a tattoo fair, someone much older, much wiser, who knew exactly what he wanted, thinking that maybe he needed someone to take the lead in the relationship. Doesn’t even want to talk about it.
He’s downloaded every single dating app that exists on the internet only to delete them less than twenty-four hours later each time.
When he tells the boys about his miserable love life, they all tell him that he’s pressuring himself for no reason at all, that sooner or later it’ll come. Charles wants to scream at their faces that he doesn’t want to wait anymore, that seeing love is not enough and that he wants to feel it for once.
Max never says anything during these discussions when Charles wishes he would, wishes he could give him something more than that stupid sentence that left him yearning for three years. Max stays cryptically silent and looks at him in that very specific flustering way that Charles slowly got used to but that still grows a knot in his stomach.
When Charles sees the stage where a dozen kids are trying to follow the beat of the music, he knows George has spent hours working on that set. He tries to be silent, to not disrupt anyone’s attention from the show and resigns on sitting in the stairs when someone discreetly waves at him.
Charles is late and yet, Max has kept him a seat.
“When are you going to marry her, Carlos?”
The words flow out of Charles’s mind before he can even think about it. The question’s been circling his mind all night long as he watched Carlos and his girlfriend interact. It’s like they’ve already grown old together in a previous life.
“The kid’s right, Carlos.” Lewis says and Charles bumps him with his elbow. “You’ve been together for fourteen years, you’re basically married at that point.”
At first, Carlos doesn’t say anything. He still has that same soft smile plastered to his face when his girlfriend is around him even though she left a couple minutes ago.
They’ve already discussed what it means to be dating someone for so long. Pierre had been horrified when Carlos first told them how long they’d been together.
“What do you mean she’s been your girlfriend for ten years?” he’d said at the time. “Aren’t you… I don’t know… bored? What’s left to discover about the person after so much time?”
It had seemed inconceivable for Pierre – for whom dating someone more than three months was completely impossible, for his passion had long faltered by then and only lethargy remained within the relationship – to spend half your life with the same person.
“I never get bored around her, Pierrot.” Carlos had replied. “It’s been ten years and it feels like we only met ten days ago.”
Charles had envied the look on his face back then and he still envies it today.
“Alright, so why aren’t you down on one knee already?”
“It’s not like that, George. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately but-”
“Give me one good reason not to marry her.”
“Weddings are expensive, man. We’re research assistants, we can't really afford it, Alex.”
“Alright. Now give me one good reason to do it” Max says.
“I love her. And I don’t even remember life before her. She gives meaning to my memories. And I can’t even imagine my life with another person. I think the thought in itself scares me. And I keep reminding myself that it’ll pass, that everything comes and goes in life and nothing is forever but she’s always there. She’s the only consistent part of my life. Whatever happens she stays.”
Carlos stays silent for a bit. None of the boys say anything, they let him take in what he just confessed. The bar is empty and outside, the streets are slowing down.
“Oh God, you’re right, guys. I should marry her.”
The words erupt out of his mouth like an idea finally coming to life and his eyes are wet. Charles wonders what it feels like to be so in love with someone the simple thought of it brings you to tears. It must feel amazing to have someone talk about you the way Carlos just did, someone who’ll always care.
“It feels very good to be in love. Even better to be loved” Max had said six years ago and now Charles wants it even more.
He wants to find his person, the way Carlos did, and George and Alex did, and Pierre does every single month. The one who will know all his smallest habits. Someone to share something with.
He thinks about it on the way home. The night is cold and quiet and it almost feels like he’s the last man standing alive. Charles doesn’t really know if being jealous of Carlos makes him a bad person but he can’t help but wish this kind of love would fall upon him, wish to have someone so ingrained in his life he couldn’t imagine himself feeling whole if that person wasn’t there.
But then, his phone vibrates in his pocket and when Max’s name flashes on the screen, there’s a warmth that spreads throughout his chest and that Charles doesn’t really understand. Max sent pictures from the gallery where he works, paintings he saw at the museum he visited earlier this week, tags in the streets and three songs.
“forgot to send it to you before. hope this can inspire you” the text reads.
Charles stops walking and sits under a bus shelter. He could wait until he gets home, but he doesn’t want to. Curiosity and expectation gnaw at him.
When the texts first started a few months ago, Charles was surprised. Max kept sharing random things with him, claiming that he thought that specific book cover or the lyrics of this song could inspire tattoo flashes. Charles only thanked him and wondered what was going through his friend’s mind when he sent these messages.
The pictures kept coming in and slowly, Charles had found himself doing it in return. He sent Max links to Instagram pages of artists he thought were interesting, people his clients told him about. Soon enough, he sent everything that reminded him of Max, whether it be trailers for movies they’ll watch together later, substacks about the impact of your parents on the way you behave in a relationship or dumb dog posts that would make him laugh.
Without even realizing what was going on, Max’s thread became Charles’s top discussion. The two of them started seeing each other outside of the group and though Charles never questioned it – why would he ? it wasn’t like he’d never spent some one-on-one time with Pierre or Carlos before – he never told anyone about it. Somehow, he feels like his relationship with Max is something private that exists outside of the group. Almost as if the Max he sends pictures to everyday wasn’t the same as the one who sat in the bar mere minutes ago.
Colors fill up Charles’s screen when he opens the pictures and he immediately adores the weekly selection. He can’t help but wonder if this is what Max does with all his friends, if this is what he did with the girl he saw for a couple of months last year. Charles would never admit it, but he kind of wishes this is something that is specific to the two of them.
The first song starts playing in his earpods and he can’t help but smile when he sees the title. Tobeloved. It has nothing to do with Max’s taste in music but it perfectly fits Charles’s.
The realization falls upon him later that night as he lies in bed, trying to forget about the knot in his stomach as he plays the song again. Charles might not know what it’s like to be loved but Max makes him feel seen.
Lewis knows Charles is exhausted the second he walks into the bar. There is a paleness to his face and a slowness to his steps that give it up immediately, no questions needed. When Charles sits at the bar, George offers him a warm smile that he hopes can brighten his day.
Lewis slides a cup in front of him. “What’s bugging you, Charlie?”
It’s coffee, the very precise way Charles likes it – with vanilla milk and cinnamon. He hasn’t even asked for it and yet, Lewis already knew exactly what could do him good. He always does.
“Not much. I just- I don’t have the right amount of sleep in my system, that’s it.”
George shakes his head, unconvinced. “Charles, we’ve known you for ten years now. We can tell when something’s wrong. And you know you can tell us anything.”
Charles looks down, takes a sip of coffee. Lewis and George are looking at him, expecting him to say something and the words just won’t come out of his mouth.
“I… It’s not… Well, I couldn’t really sleep last night because I had this thought that just wouldn’t leave my mind. You know how it feels when you think about one thing and then it leads to another and then you’re just questioning your entire life, right?”
Charles doesn’t even wait for an answer, he doesn’t want to lose his train of thought.
“I think I’m a bit jealous of you guys. Not just a bit, to be fair. It’s just that… Love is everywhere around me, I’ve seen it in every person I know. And I can’t say that I am a loveless person, that would be false. I have friends and family whom I love and who love me back. This I know for sure. But…” he sighs, “I just wish I could also receive romantic love. And give it back.”
Charles looks at the wedding band on George’s finger. He knows it’s symbolic – George and Alex don’t want to get married yet, it’s just a sort of a promise to always stand by each other – but he thinks it makes it even more meaningful.
“It’s not always perfect, you know.” George mumbles. “Alex and I… We give off this image of a perfect couple because you’re not part of the relationship. You only see the good sides. But it’s hard sometimes. And it hurts a lot to fight with someone you love, to be so angry you start questioning everything they’ve ever told you.”
“But you wouldn’t waste energy trying to put it all back together if it weren’t for love, George. If anything, fighting with Alex just proves to you that you are in love with each other or else, one of you would’ve left already.”
George thinks about it for a second. He’s never thought about it this way before but Charles might be right.
“I am twenty-eight and I am as single as you can be. It is sad.”
Lewis chuckles. “Don’t be so desperate, Charlie. I’m older than you and I’m single as well. Does that make us less valuable people? I don’t think so.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying, Lew. But you choose not to have someone for now. I don’t. I never had a choice in the first place.”
“Aren't you being a tad melodramatic, kid?”
Charles smiles. He’s not the type to open up like he is doing right now and he understands why it could surprise his friends. Charles is one of these people who listens but never really confides so easily.
“Maybe I’m making too much out of it. But it really makes me sad not to have a person I can give love to. A person who loves me like no one else. I know you guys love me, obviously. I mean Lewis, you're the best at making people feel cared for. Literally. But that has nothing to do with what I’ve been craving for and I’m scared it’ll never happen to me.”
“Charles, you’re not being serious right now.”
George seems really bewildered and Charles doesn’t really get why.
“No, George. That’s true. I mean… we’ve known each other for ten years now and… you’ve never seen me with anyone. I’m just not a lover type of person. Well not, that’s not what I mean… I don’t feel like anyone could ever fall in love with me and maybe that is because I don’t know how to give someone a reason to.”
Charles finally looks at his friends and the sadness on their faces makes him cringe. He regrets speaking up.
“I know how it sounds. I’m not trying to earn your pity or being a pick-me guy. It’s just that… you know, it’s never happened before and yeah… I see love all around me but it never seems to be for me.”
“Charles Leclerc, you’re a fucking idiot.” George utters as he downs his glass of lemonade.
“George…” Lewis warns.
“No, but we have to tell him. It’s been long enough, he’ll never figure it out himself if we don’t tell him!”
“You’ll have us killed, George.”
“And if we don’t tell him, he’s going to kill himself one of these days. Look at him, Lewis!”
Charles blinks once, twice. His friends are watching him closely, as if he was an experiment that needed to be thoroughly studied.
“I’m not that sad about it, alright? And, for God’s sake, what are you talking about?” he finally asks.
“Alright…” Lewis presses his fingers to his temples. He looks as desperate as Charles sounded mere instants ago. “You’re a really oblivious person, Charles. You should really know that about yourself.”
“What is going on?” Charles enquires so loud a couple of people turn their heads to look at them. “Sorry” he utters, shrinking in his seat.
“Max.” George bursts out and within a second, Charles feels his cheeks reddening. “Exactly! Max has been in love with you forever. It is very very obvious, Charles. Do you really think he sends me things that remind him of my person every day? You’ve had access to a whole other side of Max that we never saw the slightest color of.”
“It can’t be.”
“But it is. And if I may, I do think the feeling’s mutual, Charles.” Lewis’s voice is soft, almost quiet. It’s like he’s trying to be gentle so that Charles doesn’t dig his heels in. “You’re not really the same when you’re around him. When you’re together, it’s like you’re speaking another language that only the two of you understand.”
“Yeah, we thought you were being shy and doing this whole flirting thing for years because you wanted to. Not because you did not know you were in love with each other.”
Charles stays silent for a long time. In the room, there’s a group of young students playing cards around a table. Lewis is silently telling George off. The whole world seems to stop.
“Are you okay, Charles?”
George has softened his voice. They seem genuinely worried but Charles doesn’t want to give them an answer yet. He doesn’t know if he’s okay. He needs time to figure it out.
The thought slams through him so fast it makes his head ache. Max is in love with me. I am in love with Max. Jesus Christ.
When Charles thinks about it for a second, it doesn’t seem that crazy. Except he never did consider the fact that it could be possible. Charles can recall of a few moments where there was something in the air that he’d never felt before.
Sharing his earpods with Max on the way home, listening to songs that they’d traded back and forth and resisting the urge to grab his hand.
Spending the night at Max’s for no valid reason at all, sketching on his bare skin, trying to focus on the lines instead of the warmth of his body.
Looking for him in every room, trying to ignore the pang of disappointment when realizing that Max is nowhere to be found, wondering if he feels the same when it’s the other way around.
Now that he allows himself to indulge in the idea, Charles sees it. It was right here all this time, he just never knew what to call it. Max’s always been there, saving him seats, sharing slices of life with him. Showing him how good it feels to be loved. God, he’s such a fucking idiot.
“You’re absolutely right. About everything. I should’ve known. Oh God. I have to call him… I have to tell him. Oh God.”
Words blurt out of his mouth senselessly. Charles takes his phone, hands shaking. He doesn’t even really know what he is going to tell Max but he needs to hear the sound of his voice.
Lewis is smiling at him like a proud parent sending his son to his day of school. When Charles puts the phone back in his pocket without saying anything, George twists his face.
“What is it? Why did you hang up?”
Charles shakes his head, fiddling with the cup. “I don’t know… I don’t feel like confessing my feelings to a ten-year-long situationship is something I should do over the phone. I think I want it to be a bit more roman- Why are you guys smiling at the door?”
When Charles catches Max’s eye – in-love-with-Charles Max, Charles-is-in-love-with Max – he wants to disappear and to kiss him all at once. He hates that it feels like a scripted scene, hates that he hasn’t had time to prepare what he wants to say, hates that he feels so happy to see him.
“Oh Charles! I didn’t think you’d be here!” Max relishes. “I bought you some banana milk on the way, thought I’d pass by your place later but since you’re here…” His voice falters when he notices the look on Charles’s face. “What’s wrong? Is it the milk? I thought you loved it. I’m so-”
“I love you.”
It is the first time Charles says it in his entire life. He knows he should have taken more time to think about it. He only figured it out a couple minutes ago. But Max is standing right in front of him with his favorite drink in hand – for no reason at all, just because – and it feels right to tell him.
“What?”
“I’m sorry it took me all this time. I spent all those years looking for love when it was right under my nose. But I get it now. What you told me back then. About how good it feels to be in love.”
Max’s expression is undecipherable, as if he was waiting for Charles to get to the bottom of things to really let him see what he thinks.
“You were right all along. It feels good to be in love with you. Even better to be loved.”
When Max smiles – that quiet, particular smile he saves only for him – Charles feels a knot in his stomach he now knows the name of.