Chapter Text
It was late. I looked out the window and sighed. Really late, if the sun was anything to guess by. I tried to think about how long I had been up this time. After a few seconds I gave up guessing and rubbed my face with a groan. It was a rare weekend for me. I had no work. The whole house to myself. And since Mikasa and Armin were both out of town, Annie had decided to go out this weekend to be with Ymir and Historia.
It was Friday night (more like Saturday morning). There was a six pack of craft beer sitting in my fridge, and a full pot of coffee sitting in the kitchen. Though the later was most likely going cold. And yet I was still stuck on what I wanted to write. I had been staring at my cursor since I got home from work on Thursday. Only getting up for coffee or restroom breaks. I took a sip of my current cup, and regretted it. The bitter flavor of cold, over roasted coffee exploded on my tongue. I quickly put the cup to the side. I looked back at my computer screen with annoyance. Like it was its fault my mind kept wandering. I wouldn't even notice what had happened until three hours had passed.
I twisted my face when I went to take another sip of my cold coffee. I would think the first sip would have kept me from doing it a second, but nope. With a kick of my leg I pushed away from the computer desk, cup in hand. My rolly chair made it half way across the living room area, and I then got up and walked the rest of the way. My cup went into the microwave, and it was set for a minute. Out of habit I looked into the fridge for something to eat. Though I knew anything I had to prepare was going to be ignored. Much to my happiness I found already cut up veggies with a note on their plastic wrap.
I grabbed the note first and read it, a small smile already on my face. I hope this is found before Sunday. I love you Eren, I hope this weekend treats you well. - Mikasa. I giggled and looked up to the time on the stove. Well it was Saturday, but I did find it before Sunday. So I won't be lying when I tell her that much. I then pulled the plate from the fridge and placed it on the counter to my left, while keeping the fridge open with my foot. I leaned back to the fridge and grabbed the ranch which had another note on it. At this point the microwave beeped at me to let me know it was done, but I ignored it for the note.
You also have to eat more than veggies this weekend, Eren. I helped prep some food, its in the freezer. - Armin . I shook my head at Armin. I didn't know what I had done to deserve those two, but I was completely grateful for them. They put up with my quirks and even went out of their way to make sure I was still healthy. It was sad how well they knew me, though. Before we moved in together I would go days without real food. Most people say it was because I'm lazy. Armin and Mika are some of the few that understand I just don't think about my hunger much. Growing up in poverty did that to a person.
But no matter what, those two kept reminding me that I could eat like a normal human again. I fucking loved them for their patience, and decided to do something special for them when I got paid next Friday. I pulled the plastic wrap off the plate and made a space in the middle for the ranch. After I had poured a small pool on to the plate, I recapped the the bottle and put it back in the fridge. At the same time I grabbed a Tupperware container from the freezer and placed it on the counter. It would have taken forever for it to defrost in the fridge.
I grabbed my coffee from the microwave and stirred it with a chopstick that was sitting on a plate. Afterwards the cup and plate of veggies went to the couch with me. The house was a little small for four people, but we made due. It was all very open minus the back where our bedrooms were. With the kitchen bleeding into the dinning/living room area. We had a small table placed along the wall near where the fridge was. The hallway to our rooms and door were to the right of it. We had a counter that followed the same wall to the left, and it was only broken by the stove. At the corner the dishwasher connected the counter space. Next to it sat the sink. We also had an island on wheels that we bought when we realized we needed more meal prep space.
Our couch faced away from the kitchen space, which pointed it towards the window. It was most likely my favorite piece of furniture ever. It was this tiny, yellow, gungy looking thing, but it was clean. The cushions were soft, and we had two small pillows added so we could lean against the arm rests. It was that little bit of for site that allowed three of us to sit on it at a time. In the far corner, resting against the same wall as the window, was a pink, folding, papasan. When all of us were hanging out, one sat on that.
In front of the couch was a coffee table that I had made out of some of our broken book shelves. I used all the excess pieces so it had some cubbies on the bottom that I hadn't planned on. They were originally just there for support so the top wouldn't sag. But Mikasa had noticed and pointed out their double use. I was grateful it turned out better that originally planned. Currently we each had laid claim on one of the cubbies. Mine held my laptop when I wasn't using it, and a sketch pad. Mikasa's had whatever current book they were reading. Armin's had his school notebooks. Annie just placed whatever she wanted in her own. Currently it held some papers and two books.
After carefully arranging myself on the couch I placed my plate in my lap and sipped my coffee. I was having to convince myself to eat since my appetite diminished the longer I went without sleep. And for once I wasn't forcing myself to not sleep. This wasn't a bout of me being bitten by the motivation bug. I wish that was the case. If I could write, I would feel a little less useless. But no, my dreams decided they hated me. For the past month I have been waking up after 2-3 hours of sleep. Always just enough to get through one REM cycle. And it wasn't even like these dreams were noticeably scary.
I can never really remember what any of them are about. Normally only the images are an array of blurry colors. Greens and browns like to dominate most of them. I'll always feel like I'm moving quickly, and then my heart would start to race. The dreams never last long, but I'm always sweaty when I come to. Some nights I feel completely consumed by anger, and I just lay in bed trying to control myself. Other nights I'm so stricken with grief I have to find one of my room mates to sleep with, unable to shake the irrational worried that one of them had died. Even thinking about my dreams causes my chest to constrict some. I have been contemplating telling Mikasa and Armin about them. And with the way this weekend has been going, I believe I'm going to follow that plan. Maybe talking about them will help me.
Frowning I realized I hadn't touched my plate yet and put my coffee down. It was easy to tell Mikasa was really thinking hard about me when these were cut. They had given me a huge arrangement to choose from. Orange bell peppers, broccoli, cauliflower, and cucumbers where slowly picked at until, I got through half the plate. I quickly put it back into the fridge, and then went back to my couch. The window didn't have a great view. But it was better than any view in city. I got to see the “woods” that we had out back, which where just a bunch of Pine trees that had been planted when this place was built. Though there were plenty of wildlife critters that made their homes in there. I was really lucky some days, and got to watch woodpeckers do their thing.
The neighborhood was a set up of “cabins” to give it a secluded feeling. For the most part it worked. We had fallen in love with the feeling of this place two years ago, and they were thankfully cheap. Even after adding Annie to our group, we didn't feel the need to move. Instead we just took the office space and moved it into the living room area. It was now blocked off by some curtains we bought/made, and was to the left of the couch. We could pull the curtains back if the person working wanted to talk, but normally they were closed off. I looked at it and realized I needed to put the chair back before everyone came home. I just shrugged and went back to my coffee. I could get to it late.
We all had laptops, but the office space had our desktop that we had bought together. Mikasa rarely used it, has she had a huge laptop that had a normal keyboard. Armin used it when he couldn't go to the library. Annie was always doing homework on it, as she would remain focused at home. She also didn't have a laptop, since she still couldn't find a job. And I....pretend to use it. Lately I have been carrying my tiny net book laptop with me everywhere, since motivation never hits me at home. So I carried the other thing, just encase inspiration ever hit me while I was away. In the past month, it has only happened once. I managed to write a paragraph before I lost my train of though. I haven't typed a word since then.
Its been heart breaking for me. The longer I go with out writing, the more I worry I will never write again. The more worried I get, the harder it is to focus. And it just becomes a never ending loop.
Trying to take my mind off my dilemma I pulled my phone out and opened my internet browser. I tried scrolling through Facebook, only to grow disappointed. I had a few really smart friends who were doing awesome things, and I still didn't know where I was going in life. I kept scrolling, hoping for something to lift my spirits. In the end I just grew more angry with myself.
And just like that, my frustration came back. All I wanted to do was write, go to work, and try to go to school. But I was barely able to keep up with work. The idea of dealing with a bunch of students at the local college was overwhelming at best. Tossing my phone to the table I flopped onto my side, careful to not hit my head on the arm rest. This lack of sleep was keeping me from doing any of the things I want to do, and I just wasn't sure how to fix it.
I got more comfortable on the couch, curling up to have my whole body on it. It wasn't the best fit, but I felt safe this way. I was just staring out the window when I noticed that there were rain clouds rolling in. A smile graced me then. Maybe the rain would actually relax me enough to get more than three hours of sleep. I shifted some more and closed my eyes. I started my breathing exercises and worked on relaxing each of my muscles in my shoulders. I would focus on one set at a time. This was the only way I could even try to sleep, and I hoped it worked for me today.
I was running...or was I flying. I could never tell. But whatever it was, I was moving quickly. The environment around me was yet another swirl of colors that blended together. The most over powering colors were brown and green, which always made me think of a real forest. I could feel anger in my chest. Almost like I was chasing something. Suddenly, I felt my body (or what I thought was my body) lurch and then the running came to a stop. Instead it felt like the world was tumbling. And I felt myself hit the ground. Or I figured it was the ground. Faintly I heard screaming around me. Nothing made sense though, and I didn't know where the noise was coming from. After what seemed like forever (though was most likely only a few seconds) I felt myself ram into something. And the tumbling stopped.
At this point I was at peace. Which was odd, I was never at peace. The screaming sound came closer and I felt something land beside me. At this point all anger was gone. It was almost like I was floating. I felt a bit of sadness, like I was leaving something unfinished. The person who had been screaming had grown quiet at this point. It felt as if they were holding my hand, and something about that made me feel happy.
They were repeating something, and I strained so hard to hear them. I only caught what sounded like “Please” and “Eren”. Giving up on my sense of sound, I tried to reach the person. Even though I couldn't see them, I knew them. And I wanted them to be happy. My body screamed at me, and I barely shifted before I had to stop.
The person was joined by someone else, or at least I assumed by the second voice. Which spoke slowly and calmly. I also knew them. I knew them almost as much as the other person. I felt something wet hit my face, and I frowned. Instinctively I knew that the second person was crying, which never happened. Ever. I tried to speak as the dream world start to fade to black. The second person that joined leaned down to me. I felt the wet hit my face again, and I was positive that they were crying. I tried to speak again. All that came out was a croaking noise. However, The last thing I heard, was also the only thing that was clear. A gentle “I love you.”