Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I’ve been visiting Eren recently, and he’s peaceful, resting under the tree that Armin, he, and I used to run to.

I’m now sitting under the tree next to him. I know he’s somewhere far, far away. Somewhere I can’t protect him.

Why did Eren have to die? I just want to see him again.

Not just see him, but truly see him and understand why he had to leave us behind.

If I had the chance to go back, I wonder if I had given a different answer that day in Marley and ran away with him, none of this would have happened.

That day, I didn’t mean “family.” What I meant to tell Eren was that I love him so deeply that wherever he went, I would follow — not because I’m a slave or a sheep, but because of him. Him — the one that saved me from the depths of my turmoil as a child, the one that gave me a reason to live, something to fight for.

But now he’s gone, and I just can’t take it anymore. I want him back, but it’s not possible.

I killed him. I was the one who ended his life, so I must carry the burden. I know what I did saved thousands of innocent lives, but what nobody saw was the little boy in Eren that still cared — and still had the capacity to care.

Others may think I am a hero or the savior of the world along with Armin, but that’s not what I care about. I just want to know that Eren knew I loved him.

Is that too much to ask for?

I’m at Eren’s grave again. I brought him flowers from his old house in the Shiganshina District after visiting the ruins before they got destroyed by the new government, who wants to restore Eldia by breaking it down and building it back up.

The flowers are blue tulips that I know Eren would have loved. If Eren were still here, I would have given him flowers every day. We would plant and water them together. We would be together and not have a worry in the world. Maybe in another life.

I know if Eren saw me crying over him, he would probably feel even worse, so I have to stay strong for the possibility that Eren is watching over me — over all of us — like a guardian angel.

---

Eren

I never deserved to roam the afterlife without any punishment. It’s ridiculous. I killed most people on earth, and I leave scot-free, while all of my friends suffer the consequences of my actions.

I deserve to burn and rot in hell — to suffer the same pain the world went through because of me. Memories and all this bullshit aren’t excuses for the horrible actions I’ve committed.

And Mikasa… I see her from the skies every day when she visits me. She’s always crying, with a pain on her face that I can’t bear to see anymore.

I never hated her. I never did. I never disliked her, nor did I ever just tolerate her.

I cared for her — in a pathetic way, maybe too much at times, though it barely showed.

I don’t regret it. I never did. When I was still alive, she always grounded me from all of my worries and the world’s problems.

Heck, she made me forget myself at times, because she was herself. Especially that day in Marley — she was the only one who could make me forget we were in the middle of a war.

Being cared for by her on earth was a privilege, and I hope she knows that I still adore her, even if it’s not necessarily evident.

Mikasa’s crying again. I just wish I could hold her and give her the life she deserves. Mikasa never deserved any of this — the war, the genocide, the chaos on earth. She deserves better than even what the heavens can give her.

I wish I could just see her again. I just know she’s feeling the same, and that thought is not something I like to think about.

She’s an angel, and I’m the devil.

---

Mikasa

I’m sitting under Eren’s tree again, and my ears are ringing. Wait — why is there a pomegranate over there? And why is the world getting dark?

The dark, snowy view of Eren’s grave in the winter was replaced with a large field of flowers with a floral fragrance that spanned miles.

There was Eren.

“Eren… wha—” Mikasa looks at Eren with her eyes wide open and her mouth agape — the same expression she held in Marley that day, but for a different reason.

“Mikasa, where… what?” Eren mirrors her expression.

“Eren! Are you real, or is this all a dream?” Mikasa says in disbelief, tears flooding her eyes. “Eren, I missed you so, so much. I don’t care if you’re real or not, please…”

“Mikasa…” Eren’s eyes fill with tears, more than he ever allowed himself to have. “I’m so, so sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for abandoning you. I’m real… I’m real.”

“You are?”

“I’m here, and I’m real. I don’t know why you’re here or if it’s even possible, but I don’t care either. I just need to tell you everything because I know you probably have so many questions, so please.”

"Eren....okay"

Chapter Text

“Mikasa... I need to ask. Do you remember that day in Marley?”

“Yes... I do.”

“I just wanted to know why you answered family. Be honest, please. I need to know.”

“Eren, when I said that... I meant that you were my home. Not that I didn’t love you — just that the feelings I harbored for you were too complicated to tell you in one phrase. Too fragile to convey in a two-choice answer.

The truth is, Eren... to me, you’re more than family or a lover. You’re something I can’t describe, but always find myself drawn to.”

Mikasa says this with all the weight and suffering slipping off her shoulders like chains falling away.

“I–I’m so glad, because I thought that the other timeline didn’t happen because you didn’t see me that way...” Eren says, his eyes daring to show a small glimmer of pure joy and bliss, while Mikasa mirrors his expression.

“Next question, Eren,” Mikasa says softly, in a teasing and playful tone.

“Mikasa, I want to tell you I never hated you. And that time I called you a slave... I was lying. I just said that so you and Armin would see me as your enemy — so you’d kill me, and stop the Rumbling.”

Suddenly, Eren looks down at a bunch of red pansies, the glimmer in his eyes fading.

“Eren... I know. When you told me you hated me, I didn’t want to believe it. I almost abandoned our red scarf because of it. And I also know what you did was horrific, and cost the lives of thousands of innocent civilians.

But since the day I met you, no matter what, I always remember the boy who wrapped this scarf around me.
Eren, why didn’t you stop the Rumbling?”

Eren feels a sharp pain in his chest, as if the mere mention of the Rumbling is off-limits. Even though he talked about it earlier, any mention of it only brings back guilt, shame, and terror.

“Mikasa...” Eren says, tears streaming down his broken face.
“I never wanted to do the Rumbling. The memories, the Paths, everything made it so foggy. I tried to find a different timeline. I tried to find a way out. But in the end, there was only one clear path that could happen — the path of the Rumbling.
I don’t know what I was doing... but I hate myself for everything I’ve done!”

Eren pounds the ground with his fists, as if the motion could erase the memories.

“Eren, I understand. Though I will never condone your actions, and no one will ever completely forgive you... you were just a kid with burdens and powers no one should ever have to bear. You were manipulated by so many people, and you held the fate of the world in your hands. It’s understandable how you couldn’t handle the pressure — how it made you give up your own freedom.”

“Mikasa... I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Don’t worry,” she whispers.

“Mikasa, I’ve been meaning to thank you too — for everything. I can’t thank you enough for always protecting me, even when I was an idiot most of the time. Thank you.”

“Eren... thank you, for being my home.”