Work Text:
“No, Charlie.”
“Yes, Dee!”
“No, Deandra is right, Charlie.”
“Thank you, Frank.”
“Oh, come on, man, not you too - ”
“Charlie, just accept it. There is no goddamn way that that’s the right way to use the word medieval.”
“That is absolutely the way you use the word medieval, Dennis.”
Mac wants to chime in, if only to feel like he’s actually a part of the discussion, but he’s so high on paint fumes right now that he can barely even keep up with them. Besides, he really doesn’t know for sure who was right.
“Medieval is talking about the Middle Ages, Charlie.”
“Yes, thank you Dee, I know this - ”
“Oh my god, I do not even give a shit about this,” Frank says. He picks up his beer and his sandwich and moves to the opposite end of the bar. He’s still close enough to hear, but whatever.
“I know my words, Dee. I now that medieval means, like, a gentleman of a certain age, you know?”
“Jesus, Charlie - ”
“No, Charlie - ”
“You know, like Frank is a medieval-aged man - you guys just don’t know the technical terminology is all.”
After a brief, incredulous silence, Dennis says, “Charlie, Frank is middle-aged.” He says it slowly, calmly, but there’s a wildness in his eyes. A heat. Dennis’s fuse has been a lot shorter these days. “Medieval refers to the Middle Ages. Those are two completely different things.” Dennis throws his hands up and looks wildly around the bar for someone to back him up.
“What’s the difference?” Charlie asks.
“What’s the difference? Well, Charlie, the difference is that one is referring to a person’s age, and one is referring to a whole historical time period,” Dennis says.
“Christ, Charlie, you are really dumb,” Mac says, hoping that no one will call him out on his bullshit. “How did you even graduate high school?”
“Historical time period? No, that doesn’t sound right,” Charlie says, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What is that, like, the time of Jesus?”
“No, you dumb shit,” Dee says, “Jesus was alive during the Prehistoric Age.”
“What?” Dennis says, rounding on his sister. “No, the Prehistoric age was way back before mankind existed. Back when dinosaurs were still alive and shit.”
“No, that’s not right,” Mac interjects. “I think you’re confusing history with fairy tales, bro.”
Dennis turns slowly back to Mac, and seriously, his eyes are on fire now. “What the hell are talking about?”
“Oh, that the dinosaurs didn’t really exist.” Dennis’s eyes somehow get impossibly wider than they already are. Mac is just stoking the fire now, but sometimes he just can’t help himself. So he continues,
“They were put in the ground by God when he built the world six thousand years ago.”
“Why the shit would God put a bunch of fake bones in the ground, Mac?” It’s Frank who asks this. He’s got a mouth full of turkey and rye, and he’s spitting it all over the goddamn place. Dennis looks like he’s trying to swallow his tongue. Mac keeps talking.
“To test us true believers,” Mac says matter-of-factly.
“Oh really,” Dee says, and it’s almost a screech.
“Yeah,” Mac says, not quite able to meet Dennis’s eyes, but not looking away, either. “God has a great sense of humor. He put those bones in the ground to punk out the skeptics and nonbelievers and blast their asses straight to Hell.”
“Oh, unbelievable, dude,” Charlie says, throwing his arms up. “I’m supposed to be the dumb one? Next he’s going to start saying dragons and unicorns don’t exist either.”
“Christ, Mac, how did you graduate high school?” Dennis says viciously.
“I cheated off of you and Dee,” Mac says with a shrug.
“Oh, you know what?” Charlie interjects, “I cheated off of Mac. I guess that’s how I was able to graduate?”
“Oh goddamn,” Dee adds.
“Seriously, this is why they called the Middle Ages the Dark Ages,” Dennis says. He’s got a vein popping out of his neck, and his face and chest are turning red. Mac shifts uncomfortably on his stool and pulls his duster over his lap. “Everyone was a bunch of goddamn illiterate morons - ” Dennis gestures to Charlie, “ - who just blindly took the word of a bunch of drunk con artists in funny robes as absolute fact!” He then gestures at Mac. “This is supposed to be the Age of Enlightenment, people! But our schools are failing our kids, goddammit, and now we’ve got illiterate, brainwashed morons like Mac and Charlie running around and calling old people medieval, calling dinosaurs one big-ass God prank - ”
“Jesus, Dennis, take it down a notch,” Dee says, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, shut up, you bitch, you thought Jesus lived with dinosaurs.”
“Eat my dick, asshole, that is not what I said - ”
“Ooh, wait! I remember now,” Mac says. “The Middle Ages were, like, when the settlers started moving to America, right?” Mac doesn’t even think that’s right. He just wants to see how much more Dennis can take. Dennis goes completely still.
“No, dumbass, that was the Colonial Ages,” Frank shouts from across the bar, spewing flecks of bread and lettuce everywhere like a goddamn animal.
“Now, I know that’s not right,” Charlie says, but Dennis doesn’t seem to be listening anymore. Mac tries to hum innocently while taking a sip of his beer, but he winds up choking himself. Charlie pats his back a few good times until his coughing settles. A quick peak in his periphery lets Mac know that Dennis is still shooting lazors out of his eyes and straight into Mac’s head. Mac’s going to get it good when they get home tonight.
“Seriously, guys, you’ve all gotten so dumb since we got out of high school,” Dee says before an awkward silence can fall.
“Shut up, you goddamn bird,” Dennis says through gritted teeth, but he’s only got eyes for Mac. Mac’s only got eyes for the freckles on his forearm.
“Yeah, shut up, pterodactyl,” Charlie quips, and it’s funny enough that even Dennis doesn’t comment on the fact that he pronounced the silent “p.”