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It was Steve’s birthday. 1992. He was officially 25 years old.
He was happy yesterday. He was sure of that. Happy with his life, his choices, and everything they’d built.
A decade ago, he’d pictured the cookie cutter life for himself, house with a picket fence, pretty wife, and a couple of kids. It was expected. It was inevitable.
Only five years ago, he’d adjusted that dream. He suddenly found himself wanting a big family, an updated goal that he regretfully presented to his ex girlfriend. He’d later realize how embarrassing this really was, especially when he came to terms with the fact that he didn’t actually want a gaggle of children. He was just experiencing the joy and comfort of family for the first time with his friends and his wires got a bit crossed.
Then it was time for Robin to go to college, and it just made sense that they’d get an apartment together. He was ready to move forward and finally choose the people he loved over ill-fitting expectations of people who were basically strangers to him.
The twist came with his new friendship with Eddie Munson. Steve found himself strangely at ease around the guy. When he saw that sad glint in Eddie’s eyes as Robin and him discussed apartments, he couldn’t stop himself.
“You should come with us,” Steve blurted.
Robin shot him a look of surprise, but rather than protesting Steve’s unilateral decision to include someone else in their plans, she turned to Eddie and raised a brow, waiting for his answer.
Eddie gaped at them. “What?”
Steve nodded, seemingly getting himself more invested in the idea. “It’d be great! We all hang out all the time anyway. It’d be great to have more people to split rent since Robin’s gonna be splitting her time with school. Plus, you’ve been dying to get out of Hawkins,” Steve beamed, looking hopeful.
“And we’d miss you,” Robin added.
“That too,” Steve agreed.
Eddie stared in shock. “You’d… really want me to live with you guys?”
They both nodded without having to look at each other, making Eddie laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
“Fuck it- I’m in,” Eddie grinned.
Steve remembered how thrilled he was. Now, six years later, that apartment felt like the only real home he’d ever known. Eddie was working at a music shop. He’d do guitar lessons in the back office a few days out of the week. Robin was getting her masters in anthropology. Steve, well, he was thriving as a bank teller. He was always good at talking to people, and he generally liked his job. He joked that his dad always wanted him to work in finance.
That being said- he doesn’t understand the heavy dread that has settled on him over the course of the day. He had a good birthday. Everyone had the day off. They got dinner, saw a movie. He got calls from Dustin, Joyce, Nancy, and a joint call from Max and Lucas. Plus a few passed along messages for the rest of the party. It was a good day.
Still, something gnawed at him, a want deep in his chest that he’d ignored for years.
Sure, he’d gone on a few dates, but nothing ever felt more right than a night in with Robin and Eddie. Though, Robin had been staying over at her girlfriend’s place, so most nights it’s just been Steve and Eddie.
Steve had a growing thought in the back of his mind over the last year. Maybe this was his new dream. Maybe this was the life he wanted. It terrified him. He had a growing anxiety for change, which seemed fast approaching with this milestone birthday.
Robin and her girlfriend had been dating for a while. They’d already had a few conversations about the possibility of them moving in together. Steve was sad to see her go, but he knew so much joy was waiting for her. He’d never hold her back from that.
Then there was Eddie. Eddie went on dates, not many, but he did. Sometimes he’d even be out all night. Steve wanted to make jokes. Tease him about the walk of shame like he always did with Robin. They never seemed right when it came to Eddie, so instead those mornings were quiet.
Steve knew eventually Eddie would find what he was looking for, and he’d move out too. He wasn’t sure why that hurt so much worse, but he decided he just couldn’t bear the idea of being alone again.
Robin went to bed, passing by and kissing the top of Steve’s head, wishing him a final happy birthday.
There on the couch, in the dim glow of the tv, he wanted to live in that moment. Eddie was watching the screen, legs strung over the side of the couch. He leaned into Steve’s side. His hair was looking particularly wild tonight, brushing against the edge of Steve’s jaw with every little movement. Steve rubbed his palms along the thighs of his jeans. He shouldn’t be stressed right now. It was a good day.
“What’s wrong?” Eddie broke the silence.
Steve stiffened. “What? Nothing- why?”
Eddie sat up, turning to face him with narrowed eyes. “You’re upset. Why are you upset? Did something happen?” His eyes searched Steve’s face for clues.
He huffed out a somber laugh. “You’re like a bloodhound, but instead, you sniff out bad moods.”
Eddie started to grin before his expression shifted to concern. “Why are you in a bad mood?”
Steve shook his head. “It’s stupid. I’m just being dramatic.”
“Well, lucky for you, it’s still your party, and you can in fact cry if you want to.”
Steve couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of his chest. “You’re such an idiot.”
Eddie beamed at him. “And yet I’m your favorite,” he teased.
It was a joke, but Steve tucked his chin and smiled. “Yeah, you are. I think that’s my problem.”
His smile faded slightly. “What do you mean?”
“I just- ok, that was a bad way to say it. You’re not my problem. You’re like the opposite of my problem, and that is my problem. I think I’m just staring down the barrel of change, and I’m not sure how to accept it,” Steve rambled. He couldn’t quite meet Eddie’s eyes, too embarrassed by his own selfish confession. He should want his friends to move on, build lives of their own. He shouldn’t be desperately clinging to a man, who definitely wants more out of life than evenings on the couch with him.
This was always temporary.
“I’m not sure I’m following. What’s changing?” Eddie looked nervous. Steve probably would be too if one of his friends started spouting cryptic dread.
“Robin’s probably moving soon, and we’re all getting older. I figure you’ll find someone soon enough, and I guess I’m just processing that this all has to end eventually.” Steve shoulders sagged.
“You’ve been so happy for Buckley. I had no idea you were upset.” Eddie looked baffled he missed such a shift. “And what do you mean, I’ll find someone soon? Stevie, I’m not going anywhere any time soon.”
“I am. I am so so happy for Robin. Honestly, it was like today that it hit me, and I’m still so happy for her. It just made me realize that you’d have that too. That’s sounds terrible. I don’t know what I’m saying…” Steve shook his head, running his hands down his face.
“Ok… so you’re happy for Robin… but with the whole passage of time thing, you realized I’d eventually move out, and that made you sad?” Eddie spoke slowly, like he was working out things unsaid in his head.
“It’s stupid. I don’t want to make you feel bad or anything. It’s, like, a completely selfish thought,” Steve dismissed. He spared a nervous glance over to Eddie.
His brows were pinched, staring down at his hands intensely.
Steve leaned over, bumping their shoulders together and pulling Eddie from his thought. “Hey, forget I said anything. I swear I’ll be so happy for you when the time comes. Think of this like processing the wallowing and jealousy now instead,” he laughed awkwardly.
Eddie studied him for a moment. “Jealousy?”
His throat felt tight, was it tight before?
“I mean- they get to spend their life with you, so yeah… yeah I guess I’m a little jealous.” Steve shrugged. He frowned, understanding the strangeness of his own words.
Eddie let out a strangled laugh. “You’re sad because you’re jealous of my imaginary future boyfriend?” Eddie leaned forward, head between his knees and hands in his hair. “Stevie, you’re killing me here.”
Steve felt a wave of panic crash through him.
“I’m sorry- Eddie, I really didn’t mean to be such an ass. Fuck- I’m messing this up.” Steve stood up, pacing around the coffee table.
Eddie’s hand shot out as he passed, grabbing the hem of his shirt and tugging him closer. Steve stood in front of him, arms hugging his chest anxiously. Eddie looked up, eyes wet. It made his chest ache with guilt, but Eddie only flashed a sad smile.
“God, you have no idea, do you?” Eddie’s voice strained.
Steve searched his face for explanation. He wracked his brain for the answers he was missing.
Eddie chuckled at his silence.
“I’m…” Eddie hesitated, like the words had to be forced out, “I’m completely in love with you.”
Steve froze.
Eddie continued, the words coming easier like the dam had been broken. “I’ve been in love with you, for years probably. I knew you’d never… want me, like that. I don’t expect this to change anything. I just can’t sit here and listen to how jealous you are of some imaginary boyfriend- as if I’ve ever found anyone that could hold a candle to you- and act like I don’t complete loathe your future wife, which is so fucked up. I swear, I would never actually put that on you, and I do hope we can still be friends after this. I think maybe… I need to get some space because shit Stevie, you are the standard no one can hope to live up to. I cancelled a date once because you asked if I wanted to order pizza. That’s- fucking insane. So, yeah, I understand, but I also think we’re completely fucked.”
It all sounded jarringly familiar. The jealousy. The distain for his flings- always finding little things to pick at and bitch about. The way every date he’d gone on in the last few years never compared to a night in with Eddie. The way it was never really about Robin moving on and finding a space of her own. Space was the last thing Steve wanted, but it’s like his thoughts wouldn’t connect in his head.
Eddie dropped his hands from Steve’s shirt, realizing he was still gripping it.
“Maybe I should move out,” Eddie sighed. “For both our sakes.”
Steve made a pained sound, an embarrassing whine that seemed punched out of him. It had Eddie’s eyes snapping to his, wide and heated.
“Don’t,” Steve said quietly.
In love. That’s what Steve wanted, wasn’t it? Love? Intimacy? A future with someone he cared about?
He cared about Eddie.
Fuck. He loved Eddie.
Steve kneeled into the couch, hand coming to hold Eddie jaw. He paused for a moment, both of them holding their breath.
When he kissed him, everything made sense again.
Eddie melted, pliant and willing as Steve pushed him back against the couch. He kneeled over him, knees sinking into the old cushions. Steve’s hands were in his hair, and he felt Eddie’s travel up his back, pulling him closer.
They parted, lips still lightly touching as they caught shared breath.
“Is this real?” Eddie asked softly.
“I love you too,” Steve answered.