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The grass was shorter around the small boy who sat crying on his knees. He had pulled it out around himself despite the rough texture of the blades stinging his baby soft palms, but it provided no catharsis. He only felt worse, knowing he wouldn’t be able to make it even again without finding a way to cut the rest of it. He knew he wouldn’t be able to. Even grass fought him back with enough force to make him feel weak.
So he sobbed, still clutching bits of grass in his hands as his smooth brown hair ruffled.
Whenever he tried to be angry, this was all that would result—another mess of tears streaming down his soft cheeks. The grass wouldn’t be able to do much for that. He was only smearing bits of dirt onto his face that mixed with his tears.
He hated being so weak. He hated that it got him mocked and pushed around. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t like everyone else. Even his own brothers seemed to embody manliness in ways he just couldn’t. Even if he tried, and he had, it was never authentic. It would never be him like it was them. He would always be sniffed out as a fraud.
He was just too gentle. Just too easy to hurt.
“Hey, you!”
He froze, looking straight at the boy standing on the edge of the house’s steps a decent distance from him.
He panicked. He only came over here to avoid questions from his siblings. He knew it would be even harder for him to be ignored when his sister was back home to take care of them. But now there was a stranger staring right at him as he flushed red and tried desperately to hide the bits of grass behind himself as if he had committed some crime by pulling them out.
What was he supposed to say?
He looked back at the boy, still standing there with a concerned look. He wondered if his dirty, teary state would be less obvious if he pulled up his collar and hid his face in his t-shirt.
“Did you fall? Are you lost?”
He quickly tried to wipe his face off with the bottom of his shirt, feeling even more uncomfortable as raising it exposed his stomach a bit.
“Um, no. I’m fine!”
He tried his best to smile.
He didn’t know how to lie. He was never good at it. People always read him easily, and he wondered if his thoughts were just open for everyone and he didn’t know.
But maybe this boy would understand? He was wearing pink, after all. Maybe other people picked on him too.
The boy took a few steps down to reach ground level and then ran over to him, the shimmer and bounce of his golden curls becoming clearer the closer he came.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re on the ground,” he said, crouching down with both hands extended.
“I sat here on my own…”
He hesitated, but he took his hands and let himself be pulled up. It was a surprising struggle for both of them.
“Sorry. I’m not used to helping people up.”
He smiled sheepishly.
“It’s okay. People don’t usually help me up.”
He tried to ignore the stinging in his palms. The warmth of the blond boy’s hand made his feel more tender, but he didn’t like the idea of someone’s kindness causing pain, so he wouldn’t show it if he had a choice.
The blond boy looked him over, then brushed and smoothed his hair with his fingers.
“What are you doing?”
“Your hair got messed up somehow, but I got it. I don’t want your mom to yell at you.”
“Oh.”
He looked down.
“My mom probably wouldn’t care. Some of my brothers are always walking around with it super messy.”
“Ah.”
A light appeared in the blond boy’s eyes, making the pink of his irises look a bit like candies.
Sweet.
“So you are one of the boys from that big family!”
“Oh. Um. Are you friends with one of my brothers?”
“No… I want to be, though. But I like to watch you play outside, and I think it’s cool when your family all has to fit into one big car.”
“It’s less fun inside the car. My big brother Aspen always stinks super bad and Rowan’s always super loud too. And they’re always fighting. Briar always starts fights.”
This made the blond boy laugh. “Mother would never let me stink or fight or be loud. Your family must be really fun.”
“Do you have brothers?”
“No. I’m the only child. That’s why I like looking at your family through the window.”
“Why don’t you come outside? Rowan is basically always outside. He would probably love to have someone to play sports with.”
“Mother doesn’t want me getting my clothes dirty. And she doesn’t really trust your brothers either. She thinks they’re impolite.”
“Oh. Well. They are.”
They both laughed.
The blond boy reached out to grab the other’s hand, and despite the stinging pain blooming all over again, he held it back like his life depended on it.
Then, the blond boy spoke.
“So… Their names are Rowan, Aspen, and Briar?”
“Yeah. But there’s more of them. Why?”
“So are you all named after something related to nature?”
“What?”
“Rowan and aspen are trees. And briar is rose thorns. Do you all have nature names?”
“Oh. Um. I guess.”
“What’s yours?”
“It’s Rosen. So like roses, right?”
“Yeah. It’s like roses. So you fit in.”
Rosen was stunned. No one had ever told him that before. Even in this context, it made him feel tears creeping up again.
“Um. Um… So what’s yours?”
“Luciel.”
He paused.
“Not a plant one. So I’m different.”
“Oh. But that’s pretty!”
“It means light.”
“Is it ‘cause your hair is light?”
“Mother said it’s because when I was born she said I was the light of her life. She said she felt drawn to it, so it’s very special. But I think your parents must be really cool if your entire family has names that match. They probably wanted you all to get along.”
“Huh…”
Rosen thought for a moment.
“So Alder and Kiefer are plants too?”
“Those are trees.”
“How do you know so much about trees and plants?”
“I had a unit on them in school recently.”
“Oh. You go to a different school than me.”
“Yes. Mother has me in the best private school in the area. She has very high hopes for me.”
“Wow. So you’re really smart.”
“If you think so. There are plenty of smarter people at my school.”
“But you’re probably still way smarter than half of my brothers.”
“They’re probably smart in their own ways.”
“All Aspen does is play games all day.”
“Maybe they’re educational?”
“Not really… He’s always yelling at the TV and it’s like shooting people and stuff.”
“Coordination and strategy…?”
“Uh… I guess?”
“So, what do you like to do?”
“Um… Nothing special really.”
“I like TV. Mother never lets me watch it, but it’s always like a special treat for me.”
“I like walking. And talking to you.”
“To me?”
“Yeah. You’re my only friend.”
“Really…”
“Yeah.”
“You’re my only friend too.”
“Wow…”
Rosen smiled. He now had a friend.
Luciel smiled too. He also had a friend.
“Luciel!”
A woman’s voice rang out. Luciel flinched.
“Mother, I’m outside! I made a friend!”
A window opened and Luciel’s mother poked her head outside it.
“Come inside, Luciel! I finished dinner!”
She shut the window with a hard snap.
“I have to go inside now,” Luciel said, letting go of Rosen’s hand. “If I see you outside, I’ll try to come outside and see you again. Mother might get upset if you come to the door on your own, so if you want to meet her you can bring a gift or come with an adult she can talk to. But I want to see you again. We live very close. Please see me sometime and we can find out things to play! And I’d love to meet your brothers too!”
“Luciel!”
He started to run back. “Bye, Rosen!”
“Bye, Luciel!”
Rosen sat back in the grass he had ripped out and patted the broken blades. He always came to places like this around the neighborhood to cry alone, but here, he met a friend.
Maybe he would visit the nice patches of grass with a friend from now on.