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I'm ready to do this.
It had been quite a while since I had last looked through these albums, the faded pictures never failed to lower my mood but today was different. I'd be preparing for a long while to do this. Lifting the leather cover with a crack I'm greeted by a familiar face creased with lines. My eyes sting and my heart sinks but I smile through it. Running my hand gently over the plastic covering the photo It strikes me, this is the closest I'll ever get to her touch again.
I miss her so much.
Flipping another page I pry the sticky plastic pages apart revealing a small black haired boy sitting in her lap, tangled in her bright shawl with a chewed up picture book. She taught me to read, she taught me to be brave and most importantly, she taught me to be selfless. She was there for me until the end and I'd like to think she still looks out for me.
God, does this hurt.
I find it strange thinking of the good times with her hurt far more than the dark times in foster care, as though the fact that she shaped who I am and wasn't around to see the person she put all of her effort into turned out to be made it worse that she's gone. I know she'd approve of me and my choices. Without her I'd have never met Janey and I don't know what kind of person I'd be.
I am forever grateful to have had her in my life.
I feel a warm hand press on my shoulder, it startles me but I look up to see a sympathetic face. "It wasn't your fault, Jake. You couldn't have saved her." I nod and look back down to the leather bound book, Janes warm hand rubbing my shoulder before I hear footsteps leave the room with echoing clicks. I know there was nothing I could have done now, I've stop blaming myself for what happened.
It still doesn't make me miss her any less.
I close the book gently and think to myself. "If you can see my now grandma, I hope you're proud. You raised me well and it was nothing more than an untimely accident that stopped you from ever meeting your great-grandchildren. Thank you for what you've done for me and I hope wherever you are, if you're anywhere, you're getting the treatment you deserve."
Setting the book down back on the dusty shelf I speak softly.
"I love you."