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Loss of My Life
Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.
These things were safe. They were detachable, nonintrusive. They kept a certain distance between Tony and the rest of the world. A cushion.
There were certain things Tony didn’t do. Crying was one of them. ‘Stark men don’t cry’ was such a recurring theme in his childhood that it was tattooed on the forefront of his mind. Practically on a mental variant of one of the workplace, anti-harassment posters. Stark men don’t cry.
Another was failing. The amount of times Tony could recall his father going on about how being only one grade up wasn’t enough. Graduating College at 17? Good job, but it wasn’t anything special. Not to his dad. Because no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t seem to keep not failing.
The last main thing that Tony carried from his dad was that Stark men don’t let people get close. It was the only way to protect their genius, or so his dad said. It was the only way to prevent weakness. The only thing keeping them from breaking the other two rules. Of course this was the rule Tony was best at.
It was easy to keep people at bay, Tony found. He just had to act like the one person he would never be, his dad. Turns out people don’t like you if you are egotistical, rude, sexist, immature plus a laundry list of other negative attributes. That suited Tony just fine, or so he told himself. Then he walked into a dorm room at MIT and saw someone that didn’t pity him. Sure, he could tell that Rohdey felt bad for him, but that was quickly set aside in favor of trying to help him survive. Rhodey didn’t use him for his fame or money or connections. He practically adopted Tony, becoming his friend. Something Tony had never had.
So Tony found himself breaking rule number 3. ‘This is the exception,’ he would tell himself. ‘This is the only time’.
Then a driver who was a little too observant, a little too caring.
A personal assistant who was really good at her job.
His dad's old friend who helped him keep the company above water.
He acted like an ass to them. He knew that. They knew that he knew it too. He didn’t care. If they couldn’t handle him at his ‘Tony-est’ they didn’t get to work this closely with him.
So he was content. He could count on one finger how many friends he had, and on one hand the amount of people he trusted.
Afghanistan happened.
Tony didn’t realise how deep the bond goes when someone saves you. He regrets that now. Even though his connection to a random man in a cave was brief and put him in a world of hurt, both physical and emotional, Tony for one couldn’t bring himself to regret it. He regretted Yensen's death, but never the pain it caused him. He felt human.
Time passed, he stopped being an ass, had a mid life crisis and was an ever larger dickhead then resolved it after decidingly not dying. Then another crisis and his still inflated ego bit him in the ass. Again.
But in the end he survived. His friends survived. The few he still had.
There was a kid he found, but decided that he would simply mess him up if he stayed, so he left. But not without leaving a gift.
Yes, his paranoia got worse. Yes, his team was falling apart. Him and Pepper were on a break, which he understood. Rhodey was busy with the military, which he was proud of. It was his friend's dream, but he never saw much of him or Pepper anymore, which again he understood (or so he told himself). He would need a break from himself if he was able. From this life, but he had no choice, because somewhere in this messed up circus, he had developed a conscience. He had developed honor. It was something he never imagined being able to experience yet here he was.
So he kept busy, his mind occupied. It wasn’t a hard task when there was so much more to research now that aliens were a thing. But then his world went to crap. And Steve didn’t stand with him and he found himself needing a team in order to stand up to someone he was cautiously let close. That's when he found the kid.
At first when researching the new Spider-Man, he thought nothing of it. He thought it was a cool gimmick, sure, save the old lady from crossing the street by herself, get a cat out of a tree. Real life type of things, nothing he should ever concern himself with. Then videos started circulating of the guy swinging around on what looked like actual webbing. It didn’t take very long for Tony to figure out the amount of tensile strength that would take to swing someone of even a small stature. So Tony paid a little more attention.
It wasn’t until the man caught a car that Tony was interested. After running the calculations, he figured the dude had some insane super strength. So he did what Tony did best. Hacked, broke multiple cyber security laws and found the man who turned out to be a kid. Because of course it was a child.
He could only pray that he was some type of mutant equivalent, and not some sick Hydra experiment. The true answer was somehow worse and better.
But in the end it didn’t matter that it was a kid. Because Tony needed a team. And having someone who could handle the force of a few tons on his side would never hurt. So he found the kid.
Peter Parker.
If he knew how much those two words would change his would, he might have never stepped foot into the apartment that day. But he did and threw around words like ‘grant’ and ‘internship’ to get the kid’s aunt (who obviously didn’t know that she had a super powered teenager under her roof because why would she?) off of both of their asses.
And it worked. So he took the kid to Germany. Captain America dropped a jet bridge on the kid but he handled himself impressively. Tony almost felt proud??? Which was weird considering he had only known the kid for a few days, at best. He found himself liking the kid. He was smart, wickedly so. He could keep up with Tony, which is something not many people can do. He was thinking about actually offering the internship before his mind was thrown into disarray.
Rohdey was hurt. Rogers betrayed him. Peter got hurt…….
He broke all the rules and now he was paying the price. So he helped fix Rhodey, trying to ignore the trauma and the pain.
He fixed his suit (trying to ignore the shield shaped hole where his arc reactor was).
And he ignored the Rouges. He helped break them out of prison for reasons even he was unsure of. But he did. But he also made sure no contact was made with them. He downsized and clinged onto the only people who were bold enough to stay.
And the kid…. He pushed him away. He could tell that Peter was trying, but Tony had made a mistake bringing him into this in the first place. He found himself having to make sure the kid was staying alive and safe, handing off most of the responsibility to Happy because he had a company to run thank you very much (and feeling to ignore). He hid, ran away, and was a coward. He yelled and punished and got ticked off at the kid who was just trying to help. He would pretend that he didn’t love when the kid called. Looked forward to the next time he would get to see him.
He never let himself admit these things. Because kids were complicated. There were things like custody and responsibility and welfare and things that Tony could never do cause all he could do was destroy and destroy, destroy……
So he pushed the kid away, until the kid decided to break down the door all on his own. Tony wanted to be pissed that the kid had almost gotten killed, and he was, but he was mad at himself. He had found himself breaking two rules, but he started not to care. So he took the kid in. Invited him to be an Avenger. The kid said no. Tony was proud.
They got closer. Tony invited him over. Aunt May wanted to meet him. They both figured that if anyone could help a teenage spiderling not get hurt that it was Tony. So he began to train him. He would have him over for dinner, lab time, movie nights. It wasn’t until dinner with Pepper a few weeks after the proposal and the true start of him and Peter growing close that he realised what was happening.
“I like this dad look on you,” Pepper had said.
Tony promptly choked on his meal. “D-a-d-a- dad????”
Pepper laughed, incredulous. “Please Tony, you hung the kid’s report card on the fridge.”
So Tony was starting to be a dad. He even had this whole idea to ask the Kid to be in him and Pepper's wedding. He was going to make one of those cheesy boxes and take the kid on a trip. Maybe to Europe. Maybe an island somewhere where the kid could be just that, a kid. No Spider-Man, no super helping. Nothing.
Then a damn spaceship landed in New York. Tony preferred not to think about this time because he made soooo many mistakes. He should have sent the kid back himself. He should have tried harder. The wizard would have survived….. he thinks. He should have made the guardians or Thor or someone take Peter back to Earth. Anything so that when they faced the big raisin the kid wasn’t there.
But did that happen? No. And so Tony made him an avenger and the kid came with, everything was going fine, relatively so. Then Strange gave away the stone and Thanos left. And an hour later people started going to dust.
And the kid-
The kid was gone.
He knew this would be hard, but he didn’t realize how bad it would be. Tony died a little when Peter was reduced to atoms by some magic bull shit. Shiny rocks shouldn’t have the ability to take away the best thing in his life. But they did……..
So he tried to move on. He told Cap to shove it, and went off into the woods, where he had no lab. Where he didn't have to remind himself everyday of Peter. He tried to stay in the compound while recovering with Pepper. They stayed there till she had Morgan. It helped soothe his nerves being closer to medical care. But they had to leave. He couldn’t stand being in the labs without Peter. He would find himself calling out for the kid to bring him a tool, or his opinion on a question. He couldn’t keep torturing himself.
So they all moved to the house in the woods. Tony, Pepper and the scariest of the bunch, the week old Morgan Stark. They made a happy family. Tony tried to ignore how he always went to set out an extra plate at dinner. How he avoided the lab more than he ever had in his life. He chose to ignore how he stopped watching the news because he found himself waiting for them to report on a certain swinging vigilante.
Pepper mercifully kept quiet and pretended not to notice the way Tony would stare off into space. How he would flinch whenever Spiderman was mentioned. She didn’t push. She didn’t need to after finding her husband staring at a picture of him and Peter in the kitchen. She knew.
So they continued on in the dance. Soon Morgan was more than an infant and could talk and walk and dance and — gosh she was perfect.
Tony didn’t know what he would have done if he hadn’t had Morgan. He loved that kid, more than he thought possible. Well that was a lie, he knew that this was possible. He discovered that with a bratty teenage who had a heart of gold.
It was killing Tony. Killing him to keep his hurt all inside. So he started to tell his daughter. At first it was mentioned. “Your brother would have loved this” or “that dress is your brother's favorite color” or “ you like thai? So did your brother Morguna”.
Soon, Morgan was begging to know who her ‘brother’ was and why she had never met him. Pepper eyes were misted when she overheard that question being asked while Tony was tucking her in.
“Your brothers on an adventure. WE don’t know when he'll come,” Tony said.
“What is his name?”
A deep sigh, one shaky with tears filled the room. “Peter, Peter Parker.”
From that moment on, Morgan was constantly asking about Peter. Why he had a different last name, where was he and soon she just started asking about the different stories of Peter.
At first, Tony could barely stand to tell her stories. His chest constricted with pain every time she asked about when she would get to meet her brother. But soon it was nice, a way to keep Peter's memory alive. And so Tony talked and talked and talked about Peter. It became a bedtime ritual. Instead of story books about different fairytales it was stories about Peter.
Soon Morgan was begging for a video or picture to accompany the stories. FRIDAY obliged without having to be asked.
The first time he had seen Morgan looking at the picture his breath caught in his throat. He quickly got used to. Or so he told himself.
As Tony watched Morgan grow, his heart ached more and more. There should have been another kid here. One he was teaching to drive or having stupid teenage fights with. He would give anything to hear the cliche words “I hate you!” From Peter. Even though he knew the kid would never say the words unless he was quoting Star Wars, Tony would give up almost anything just to hear him say anything. Because it would me that he would be alive,
So he settled in for a life of simplicity and grief. And he was content, or so he told himself and Pepper.
That was until a certain Scott Lang made an appearance. He would never admit to the amount of hope he held at the news. He could bring Peter back. He could do it.
So he began working, with a slightly deluded manic energy that he hadn’t had in years. Morgan asked why daddy was acting weird. Pepper just said he’s like this sometimes.
Pepper knew. She could see the hope in his eyes where previously there had been a void. But she stayed quite. Knowing that Tony would do this that he needed to do this.
“Shit”. Was the only correct word that could describe the feeling of finding the answer to a problem that should have never been created in the first place. So Tony sat there staring at his solution. He knew what had to happen now.
“Would you find rest” pepper had asked. No, never.
So he reunited with the old crowd. They went on a massive adventure. Tony just wanted to be in and out and besides a few hiccups that’s what happened. Except Nat. Tony didn’t want any know how much her death effected him. So he hid during the mini funeral.
It helped that he was single minded, Peter. Peter had to come home. Nothing else matters. He knows that it doesn’t sound very heroic, but he didn’t do this for the world, he did it for the sake of his world. Peter, Morgan, Pepper, Happy and Rhodes.
As long as they were ok, safe, well, he could rest.
When the buteflies came back, the birds chirping in a great volume and they received that fateful phone call from Clint’s wife, he about broke down. Peter was ALIVE. Probably on an alien planet but that was a problem to be faced on a different day.
When the ship appeared in the sky, he was so so glad that Peter was safe on Titan.
……. Then as glad as he was that Strange and crew were there, he almost killed the man when he saw his kid swing through that portal. But he didn’t have time to think bout that when all he could do was fight. Try to go home to his family.
He was about to be physically crushed, happy that Peter was alive, sad he would never be able to tell him how proud he was, but at peace that his kid was here.
Then came the most needed hug he had received in years, if not decades. He almost broke down right there. His kid was safe and in his arms. He was at peace.
But the world wasn’t.
The battle passed in a blur. He hated it but he knew what he had to do. He used a distraction to gran the stones from Thanos and raised his hand to snap. As he brought his fingers together, focusing on how everyone that came with Thanos and was a threat needed to be gone, he felt something grab onto his wrist. His eyes widened as he saw a familiar spider mask next to him as his fingers snapped.
“PETER!” Tony yelled, eyes wide.
The snap was involuntary.
The world went white, the dark. Completely black.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Tony, pete!” Some far way voice was calling for them both. Neither could manage a response.
“Tachala! We need -“
“Crashing!”
“Peters’s heart rate dropping!”
Beep.
Beeeeep.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-
“FUCK! WERE LOSING THEM!”
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Tony, honey, wake up.”
Achingly slow, the genius’s eyes blinked open. Slamming shut multiple times, trying to adjust to the bright lighting. Finally he managed to pry his eyes open for more than a few seconds.
“Pep?”
A laugh a pure relief broke through the air.
“Tony. Thank God.”
Tony’s vision was quickly obscured by a long head of strawberry blonde hair.
“Pep, what-“
“Shhhhhh,” she hushed. “You’ve been out for a week. You need rest.”
He nodded but quickly realized something. “Pete- Peter!!!”
Pepper smiled in understanding. “Tony, your kid is ok. He came out a little worse but with that healing factor of his, he’ll be up and at it before we know it.”
Tony nodded. “Good”
Pepper smiled as she watched her husband go back to sleep. She was about to sit back down in her chair when a nurse quietly shuffled into the room.
“He was just awake,” Pepper said in her way of acknowledgment.
The nurse simply smiled before responding. “I know. Tony’s fine, he’s still on strong drugs. He’ll be fine. I was coming to tell you that our other patient is awake,” she said a twinkle in her eye.
Pepper’s eyes widened. “Already?”
A short nod was all the confirmation she received. Pepper looked over to the still sleeping child on the cot next to her fathers bed.
She’ll a,ready be mad at me for not waking her for her dad, I at least need to wake her for Peter.
A short while later, Pepper was heading towards another hospital room with a sleepy child in her arms.
“Peter,” she said softly as they arrived at the door, Morgan’s head snapped up.
“Peters back?” She said, desperately rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
A small nod was all that Pepper could muster as the child began to squirm her was out of her arms.
“Morgan, be careful. He’s still healing,” she chided, looking at Peter who had a lost look on his face.
“Hey Ms. Potts,” he said, voice strong but tired.
“Peter, please call me Pepper,” she said sweetly. “I have someone I want to introduce to you. This is my daughter, Morgan Stark."
Peter's eyes widened. “I- you and- what?”
Pepper let out a chuckle as Morgan quietly made her way to the bed.
“You’re my big brother,” she said, a hint of awe in her voice.
Peter blinked in response.
“Daddy’s told me so much about you!!! How you swing around, how you would make your teachers seem stupid. How he couldn’t get you to call him ‘Tony’ or even ‘dad’.”
The child rambled on, oblivious to the massive revelation Peter was having.
Pepper had a small smile on her face, amused by what her child was saying. But she was also focussed on Peter
“Dad?” Peter hoarsely croaked out.
Pepper’s eyes softened even further. “Oh honey,” she said, moving closer to Peter's bed.
“Uhhh, Miss Potts, what is Morgan talking about?”
The sweet smile that Pepper was giving him put him more on edge even though he knew that it was supposed to comfort him.
“Well, there are a couple of things we need to talk about, but that can happen later. Your’e still recovering.”
Despite the voice in Peter's head that said ‘no’ he nodded and closed his eyes shut.
It took 5 days for both Peter and Tony to be able to stay awake for more than a few minutes. It took 3 more for them to be able to accomplish this feat at the same time.
When Tony was finally wheeled into his kid’s room, he almost broke down again. He had found in the past few years that his rules that he grew up worshiping and bowing down to like his life depend on it, were in fact, bullshit.
Pepper showed it that it is ok for him to let people in.
Morgan helped him realise that he isn’t an inherently bad person and he won’t ruin people by being around him.
And Peter taught him unconditional love really was. And what it was to grieve someone you loved wholly.
Losing his mom was terrible, but there is a reason why there is a common word for the experience, orphan.
There's also a reason why there is no word for losing a kid. It’s so unnatural, so terrible that it can’t even begin to be put into words by the English language.
So when Tony saw his kid, alive, maybe not fully well but getting there, and laying on a hospital bed but 5 feet away, he nearly lost it.
“Mr. Stark,” Peter say, a smile hesitantly crawling up his face, marred by trauma, but still capable of lighting up a room.
“Pete,” Tony said in disbelief. He urged himself forward as much as he could with one arm in a sling and the other attempting to poorly drive a wheelchair.
Peter laughed a little at the struggle his mentor was having before he was being blanketed by him in a hug.
“This is a hug,” peter whispered. “This is nice.” he said, sighing into Tony's shoulder.
Seeing the emotional reunion, Pepper had to step out for a moment, eyes flooding with tears.
“Mr. Stark what-”
“Tony,” the older man interrupted. “Please, Pete, at least call me Tony.”
Peter nodded before giving a shit eating grin, “ok, mr.stark,”
Tony laughed and gently swatted at the teens arm before sighing, leaning back into his wheel chair.
“So you want to know what happened?”
Peter nodded eager but with a hint of trepidation.
“Well as I assume you can guess, Thanos won. He snapped. You got dusted. We lost. I lost. I lost you.” Tony said, head hanging low in shame. “Pete, I- I’m so sorry. I promised may you wouldn’t get hurt and you- you died. I Pete”
“M- Tony, I choose to go, you’re not at - “
“No, Peter. I’m the adult. And instead of trying to figure out how to override the damn ship or call a suit to get you, I named you an avenger, like an idiot. Not saying that you shouldn’t be one, because you have the talent to be one, you are a kid, but you're a kid and you shouldn’t be on in the first place.”
Tony sighed again, taking a breath, before really looking at Peter.
“After Titan, I’m not gonna lie kid, it was rough. I was depressed, severely so. You were gone. I wanted to hold a ceremony but couldn’t bring myself to do it. So I tried to move on. I had Morgan. And for a while, it was good, but then she started asking questions like why do we have a spare bedroom with the name Peter on it, and who is my brother, and well- she brought you back to life. Then the old crew came back with talk of time travel. I wasn’t going to do it at first but then i saw your face and I knew that anything would be worth it so, I invented time travel. Brought back the stones, which had been destroyed, left that out oops, and Brucie-bear resnapped. Brought everyone back then- well you were here for the rest.”
Peter starred at his mentor with wide eyes. “You- you did all of that, for me?”
Tony nodded softly.
“Tony I-”
The older man's gaze softened as Peter started to cry. He leaned over again, wrapping him in a hug.
“You’re here now Peter,” Tony said.
From there, the two bonded more. It took about 1 more week in Wakanda before they were cleared for travel to the U.S. Tony was almost bouncing with nervous jitters, ready to show Pete his room in the lake house. Pepper abd Tony had expected the same nervous energy from Peter, but he was acting rather subdued on the quinjet and they boarded.
“Peter, honey, what's wrong?” Pepper asked gently.
“Ummm, do you know what happened to um, May?” he said hesitantly, as is fearing the answer he knew he’d receive.
“We don’t, not yet. During the blip, housings, phone lines, means of communication, well everything went crazy. We haven't been able to find her, but in this instance, at least for right now after all of the immediate post snap insanity, no news is good news.”
Peter nodded, his anxiety remained but comforted for the time being.
The flight went by quickly. The family landed right next to the lakehouse.
Tony watched on as he saw his wife, carrying his sleeping daughter into the house, He watched as his son looked around in wonder.
He took a large breath in, savoring the moment. Finally having the love’s of his life in one place. Safe. Together. Alive.