Chapter Text
Sidney did not want to go through this, again. The last few months had been hell.
His last boyfriend had broken up with him during the lockout, when his mental health was at its worsts, too.
Sidney had tried everything to keep the relationship going, he liked Matthew. Matthew hadn’t seemed to care about his particular eating habits, about his dedication to Hockey or his varying schedule which did not leave a lot of time for dates. He just liked being with him, spending time watching movies at home, going out, but only to small bars where no one knew who he or hockey even was.
Over the months, things had started to change. All of the sudden, Matthew did not seem to like being this private anymore. He could not stand the secrecy anymore, he seemed to despise him more and more as time went on.
He wanted to be able to enjoy his relationship to its fullest without having to disguise himself every time they sat in the same car or went to a movie together. He just could not do it anymore and Sidney didn’t fault him for that.
He was surprised it even lasted that long to begin with.
But his relationship had come to an end yet again, and with the lockout still being a thing, he didn’t have anything to do other than keeping up his daily regiment, shovelling in the proteins he needed, going to the gym, trying to skate. Every day seemed to blend into the next one. He was tired, exhausted and he just wanted someone to be there for him, to stay with him.
But it just was not in the cards for him.When the lockout finally came to its end and the team assembled once again, he threw every bit of energy into the team he loved. He was Sidney Crosby, people expected a lot from him, especially this season.
And he knew that with his status, his position, there was one thing that wasn’t in the cards for him. Coming out of the closet.
Most people would argue that one person isn’t just defined by their sexuality. But he knew how the fans would react, how the league would punish him and worst of all, how he’d lose the trust from the other guys in his team.
While generally, people were more open these days he knew without a doubt that at least some of them would be … unhappy about it. Who would want to share their locker room with a gay guy? He could already imagine the accusations, the doubtful maybe even hateful stares, the heckling and the slurs he’d have to endure during the games.
It tore him apart, knowing that the only place that had made him feel at home, would not accept that part of him, at least not right now.
Other players were torn to shreds for even daring to support the “queers” and Sidney just was not strong enough to carry the burden, to be the designated “gay guy” in the league or worse, become the guy who they'd cast aside for being gay.
Being an openly gay guy in the League would ruin his life. He’d never be able to play the sport he loved, again. The NHL just wasn’t the place for being gay.