Work Text:
I looked up to you.
Ever since I was little.
When mom and dad thought it’d be a good idea to leave us at home alone for a little when they had no choice. To when Runa and Arlo were born, almost depriving us of a mother.
I could never be in more awe than watching you take care of us all when you were just a child yourself. You did this, and yet no one asked you too. If anything, it was Ruo’s job as the oldest. Yet, here you were, with your never-ending kindness. I wondered how I could get so lucky to have a brother such as yourself.
We grew up in complete paradise, at least I did. I heard of the struggles our parents went through when you and Ruo were born, how the world wanted to tear our parents apart. But when I was born, I was welcomed by death itself. I almost didn’t make it, of course I didn’t know at the time. I made it eventually and was welcomed into a loving home with a loving family. We lived comfortably. Our mother cherished us, and even though dad picks favorites, we can’t deny he looks out for us all. Everything was fine, but even so you looked after me.
I may not remember things before the age of three, but I know I was spoiled rotten. You were smitten with me, I mean who wouldn’t be. You made sure I knew I was loved. You even made sure Ruo wouldn’t end up killing me, by accident or by pure childlike jealousy. You had the same instincts mom has. Always comforting me when I was upset, letting me play with you and Ruo. I had an uncharacteristically nice older brother I could brag about to my fellow kindergarteners.
Then I understood the jealousy that your ugly twin felt when your love and affection shifted to someone else. Runa and Arlo were born, and I could visibly see the way you could be smitten with your younger siblings in a way I had never seen before. It was heartwarming, Ruo was still a jealous brat, but he cared, maybe a bit too much. But you Leo, you were warm, caring, sweet. I admired that gentleness that you shared with us as family.
.
You said you could never see yourself with kids.
It took everyone by surprise, but it was clear as to why you said such a statement. But subconsciously, it baffled me. In no means was I being stereotypical, but the motherhood seemed like the perfect role for you. You embodied ever corner of it. Us as a family wouldn’t have minded it for you, we wanted you to live peacefully and pampered. It was the least the universe could do for you after everything you had done for everyone else.
I certainly never saw myself with kids. Someone as gorgeous as me couldn’t be stuck to a whiny furball. I didn’t even know who I’d end up with, a hot girl or some wimpy guy. I never saw myself being the main nurturer, and I didn’t really have the best example of a father figure, love dad but come on.
.
And here we are. You and I both now have children of our own. You a single little girl without a father, one who should forever be forgotten for her sake and yours. Then there’s me, three ducklings as I’m exiting school. Lucky us...
It was morbid, seeing you reject Airi right as she was born. Ruo was so sure it was just because you were a little shaken of the birth. But we wall knew it was so much darker. It was disheartening, you who wouldn’t hesitate to welcome us with open arms, reject your own cub with cold eyes and shrieks of a mix of fear and anger. I didn’t know who I was seeing. I was almost disappointed. You were different.
However, I may have just been projecting. I was no better. My children had exhausted me to a point where I couldn’t be near them. I fell just like you. The idea of that disgusted me beyond words. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, be a bad mother. I looked up to you, and yet you failed to do something you always did correctly.
How could you? How could you be anything but a good role model? If you’re not there to look up to, then who am I supposed to become?
Ruo was furious with me. He would’ve definitely thrown a swing at me if dad wasn’t there to quell him. But as I looked around, I know everyone wanted to think the way I thought, I just was stupid enough to announce it. I too was disgusting.
I couldn’t be thinking this way. I wasn’t any better. My children needed me, but I just left them to Yukio when I couldn’t stand them. I didn’t want to be anything like you anymore. Instead of being admired, you were something to be ashamed of. I was someone to be envied, not to be pitied.
.
“I’m sorry...”
“Hm? What for?”
Lau blinked. He had been so lost in thought, he had forgotten that he came to visit Leo. It was abrupt. Another rough week of dealing with cries and responsibilities. Lau was exhausted. He hadn’t slept. He ran to the one place that had always welcomed him with warm embrace. Even at the latest of twilights. Leo took him inside their childhood home, their parents asleep, their annoying older brother surprisingly nowhere to be seen...and the little cub out of sight as well.
“Ah. Um for coming here in the middle of the night.” he responded quietly.
Leo chuckled softly, “Oh Lau, this is still your house you know?” His tail swayed gently.
“I’d always be the one to let you in when you had your rebellious outings with Yukio.
He did do that didn’t he?
Lau looked around, fidgeting. “Where’s the oaf? I’m surprised he isn’t here shielding you from the dangers of leaving his side,” he said almost mockingly.
Leo’s ear flicked before looking upstairs with half lidded eyes. “He’s asleep...with Airi.” That wasn’t a surprise, sure Leo had been making progress with his daughter, but there were some days where he’d have episodes if panic. For his sanity and Airi’s safety, Ruo would be the one to tuck Airi into bed.
“I see...” Lau replied.
“How are you?” Leo asked.
Lau chuckled, looking up to his brother, “Me? Not gonna ask how my three are doing?” He sounded bitter.
Leo blinked, “You come first, you know that.” he said with a soft smile.
Lau stared at him.
He’s such an idiot.
The biggest idiot there is.
“You’re an idiot”
“What?”
Lau chuckled, “I’m sorry Leo. I’ve been such a jerk to you.”
“What are you saying? You have-”
Lau cut him off, “I’ve been so unfair to you. I don’t know how I went from admiring you, to not wanting to fall as low as you.” His face fell hot, tears brimming his eyes. “I’ve been saying the stupidest shit about you to Yukio. You can’t control what’s happening to you with Airi. It’s not your fault.” He sniffled, “I need to stop using you as an excuse to be a better parent and just actually do my job...”
He rambled on and on until Leo got up from his seat. His brother sat next to him, wiped his tears before hugging him. Lau couldn’t move; Leo gently patted his head. He hummed what sounded like a lullaby he used to sing Lau when he was younger. It was calm, it was almost quiet. Lau finally felt at peace.
“Lau.”
“...”
“I’m sorry that I can’t be better at being someone you can look up too.”
More tears began to form.
Leo nuzzled into Lau’s hair.
“I promise, you are doing just fine.”
“...”
“I admire you; you can do so much more than I can.”
“...thank you...Leo-nii...”