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When Shauna wakes in the middle of the night, the cabin is too quiet.
She hadn’t realized how much she’s come to depend on the light buzz of the girls around her to sleep. Before all this, she couldn’t sleep unless it was dead silent in her room. But the thin whistling of the winter wind isn’t enough to quiet the thoughts that come from the silence of nighttime.
The thoughts about the empty space next to her.
How cold she was, all alone in her own corner of the cabin. Despite all the layers she had on, the layers that belonged to her, and the layers that the other girls reluctantly let her borrow because they knew she needed them more. She could tell they really wanted the shabby hoodies and jackets to keep themselves warm, but they still gave them to Shauna because it was the right thing to do.
As if that even matters anymore.
Shauna attempts to get more comfortable, forgetting the round weight of her stomach making her much heavier than she used to be, until it makes a loud creak from the floorboards beneath her. She froze, lazily looking around to see if she woke anyone. Then she closed her eyes for a moment, but there’s no point. Between the absence next to her and the proof of what she did growing inside her, there was no way she was falling back asleep in this silence.
Without thinking, she stood up. Trying to stay as quiet as possible, she tiptoed around the edges of the cabin, her fingers tracing along the dusty wooden walls.
Her eyes lingered on that empty space, before trailing along the floor full of snoring bodies, all of them having someone else curled up next to them.
Travis and Nat, Misty and Krystal, Mari and Akilah.
And then she saw Lottie. Sitting up in the corner of the cabin farthest from Shauna. All alone. Lottie looked away from the window right into Shauna. The moonlight barely illuminated her wide eyes.
Shauna’s hand twitched at her side.
Lottie looked at Shauna, her eyebrows furrowed and her nails digging into the blanket.
“Lottie?” Shauna’s voice cracked.
“Yeah?”
“Nothing, you just…scared me.”
Lottie smiled gently and let out a small chuckle.
“Sorry,” She shifted over and patted the spot next to her, “come join me?”
Lottie stared, hopeful.
Shauna hesitated, her eyes still locked onto Lottie’s, the silence between them stretched, she looked back to her corner, much too big for one person. She nodded and shuffled across the floor, only nearly evading someone’s arm hanging out from their makeshift sleeping bag. Lottie reached out her hand, guiding Shauna down so she didn’t topple over.
“Thanks.” Shauna muttered.
She tried to give Lottie some space, if that was even possible considering how huge she was. But Lottie didn’t let her, she wrapped the blanket around the two of them and just let her arm rest against Shauna’s.
“Aren’t you cold?” Lottie asked.
“Yeah, I am…” Shauna paused. “How long were you watching me?” she let her voice pitch up ever so slightly, her eyes averting Lottie’s.
“I haven’t slept at all.”
“So the whole time?”
The silence was enough. Shauna’s cheeks flushed, so she saw her flopping around like a beached whale and didn’t even say anything? That’s worse than if she pointed and laughed.
“Was the baby kicking?”
Shauna was slightly taken aback at Lottie calling it her baby, she had been internally referring to it as “the thing” for weeks. She kept her gaze on the loose thread in the blanket.
“It’s ok,” Lottie placed a hand on her shoulder, “you can tell me if something's wrong.”
Shauna finally looked Lottie in the eye, and something about Lottie made Shauna want to just tell her everything. Maybe it was the warmth she was emitting, the gentleness of her touch, or the genuine kindness in her voice. All she’d heard lately are passive aggressive comments implying she’s a burden.
“It’s just—I couldn’t get comfortable, ok? I’m cold and I feel so huge and…”
Shauna’s words trailed off, swallowed by her quiet shame, by what she meant, and what she feared Lottie could see.
Lottie leaned closer.
“You’re beautiful, Shauna.”
Lottie whispered, softly cupping Shauna’s face. Shauna’s cheeks warmed, her lips parted but no words came. She let herself linger in Lottie’s warm touch.
When exactly did Lottie’s mittens come off? Shauna didn’t notice, all she could think about was the heat of her skin and her hair cascading around them and the way she looked at Shauna as if she was fire and Lottie needed warmth.
It was the way Shauna looked at Jackie.
Shauna regretted the thought as soon as it came. No thought about Jackie was fond, none of it comforting. All it did was haunt Shauna.
Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.
The name rang in her head like a twisted echo and Shauna wanted to scream. She wanted to fight so maybe she could drown out the name. But she didn’t. She didn’t thrash or kick because Lottie is just so warm. All she could do was melt in her arms and let the tears go. Lottie would dry them for her anyway.
And suddenly the feeling of tears on her cheeks was too much.
“I’m disgusting.”
Shauna wasn’t really sure what compelled her to say the words out loud. She wanted to prove Lottie wrong. Show her she’s not beautiful in any sense. How could she be beautiful after what she’s done? But she didn’t have the strength, all she could do was say the words in defeat and try not to look Lottie in the eye.
But Lottie kept her gentle hands on Shauna’s warm face and just looked at her.
The look in her eye was enough, that look of understanding, of knowing. As if she was prying Shauna apart and looking inside of her. It would feel violating, if it wasn’t so comforting to be seen.
And that familiar anger bubbled up inside of Shauna. The gnawing ache to go back to her empty corner and rot in her loneliness. Go back to Jackie’s voice, so vividly taunting her.
Though nowadays she couldn’t tell Jackie’s voice apart from her own.
You don’t deserve someone who understands.
Show her how ugly you are.
The mocking voice, whoever it was, was interrupted by Lottie humming, so quietly.
Shauna closed her eyes tightly as Lottie combed her long fingers through her hair.
The wind howled and someone shifted in their sleep. And for the first time in months, Shauna wasn’t alone. Lottie held onto her tight, impossibly warm. Here, where every breath chilled your insides, where the cold was so inescapable, where dying felt like falling asleep, that warmth felt unreal. Touching her almost burned.
The heat of her touch settled onto Shauna’s skin, softening everything inside her.
She drifted off to sleep in Lottie’s arms.