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“Look, if you upload both of their selcas here, the site mashes up their faces!” Taerae tells Yujin as they peer at his phone screen.
Yujin scrunches his eyebrows together when the site loads the picture of the baby. “Huh. Why does it look like me?”
“You think so?” Taerae asks, squinting at the Haobin baby on his screen. “I have to save this, then in a few years we can compare this to their kid to see if we got it right. It's going to be so touching.”
Their incredibly deep and profound conversation gets interrupted when Gyuvin falls on top of them. “God damn you, hyung!” Yujin shouts when the tall idiot presses his way too sharp elbow into his internal organs. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I can't wait any longer! I need to see my niece!” Gyuvin cries out, trying his hardest to make himself into a tiny ball on top of the other two.
“Excuse me, it’s going to be me who’s the uncle,” Taerae scoffs and simply pushes Gyuvin to the floor.
“Ow! Why’d you do that?”
“Taerae hyung, why would you be the uncle? I'm clearly their favorite," Yujin points out.
“No, you’re not. They love me,” Taerae argues back.
Gyuvin is still on the floor, rubbing his knee and whining in pain.
“You literally roll your eyes every time they kiss and turn into a homophobe whenever they’re near. Why on earth would they make you anything?”
Taerae stares at Yujin for a while. “Fair,” he points out. “But just because the parents disgust me, doesn’t mean I wouldn't love their beautiful daughter with all my heart.”
“Why do you hate them so much, anyway? They’re sweet.”
Taerae shudders. “Last month I caught Hanbin begging on his knees for Hao to lend him his used socks so he could use them to jerk off, and then Hao—“
“Can someone help me up? I think my knees are dislocated?”
“Gyuvin, I am trying to flirt with Matthew here, can you shut the fuck up?” Gunwook yells from the other side of the hallway.
Matthew cracks up. “Gunwookie bro, you are hilarious!” He gets off Gunwook's lap and crouches next to Gyuvin. “Now, why are you on the floor?”
Gyuvin pouts at him with his world-famous sad puppy look. “Taerae hyung doesn’t think they’ll make me the baby’s uncle.”
“Can someone be made into an uncle?” Gunwook asks. "Don't you mean godfather?”
“Here we go again,” Taerae mutters from the side.
“If you believe in something hard enough, it will come true,” Gyuvin responds.
Gunwook walks over, wrapping his arm around Matthew. (He is very casual about it.) “But to be an uncle, you’d have to be Haobin’s brother.”
“Sung Hanbitna is literally my brother from another mother.”
“Yeah, another mother. You are pointing out the inaccuracy on your own.”
Taerae looks at Yujin and points a finger gun at his temple.
“You're just pissed Matthew keeps brozoning you.” Gyuvin laughs at Gunwook.
Gunwook splutters, “No, I’m not! And no, he isn’t! Wait—I mean—yes, he is. We are best friends. Forever.” His eye starts to twitch while he squeezes Matthew tighter. “Besides, you could have just called yourself the godfather.”
“Haven’t we already established that it’s going to be me? They literally call me their son all the time. Technically, that would make me an uncle instead of a godfather,” Yujin interjects before Gyuvin can start sprouting more nonsense.
“What is wrong with you people!” Gunwook shouts. “That would make you her brother, if it even worked like that! Do none of you understand how family relationships work?”
Before the argument can continue, the door to the maternity/paternity ward opens, and a nurse steps out. She takes a huge gulp of air and wipes sweat off her forehead, looking awfully nauseous. Gyuvin magically forgets his dislocated knees and gets up to look at her expectantly. He seems to be vibrating.
“Ma’am, are you alright?” Jiwoong asks her. Somehow, he and Ricky have successfully ignored the other five while they are making a ruckus in the waiting area.
The nurse takes a look at Jiwoong. “Oh, I am now. Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”
Ricky can’t let Jiwoong be the only one the nurse fawns over. He abandons his iPad and walks up to the nurse. “Hi,” he murmurs while pushing his hair back.
Before the nurse can start squealing, Taerae asks, “So, do you have any news for us?”
“Oh! Yes. That's why I came here. Yes.” The nurse clears her throat, looking dazed after the visual attack from Jiwoong and Ricky.
“Well?” Taerae asks impatiently when the nurse still doesn’t offer them any information.
“The, uh…” the nurse shudders. “It has been born. The fathers are doing well.”
The whole group erupts in cheers. Ricky throws his iPad in the air, while Matthew lifts a chair just as Gunwook is aiming for a congratulatory? kiss on the mouth.
“Can I please go visit my niece now?” Gyuvin is once again on the floor, sobbing.
“Are you related to the parents?” the nurse asks.
Gunwook scowls and says, “No, he’s not. And it’s not his niece,” just as Gyuvin says, “yes.”
There is a moment of silence while the nurse regards both of them.
“I’m afraid only family members can go in at the time,” the nurse finally says.
Gyuvin turns to Gunwook. That god damn idiot couldn’t keep his mouth shut, and now none of them can see their niece/goddaughter!
He mouths fuck you, dick cheese to Gunwook, who at least has the decency to look ashamed.
“But Hao's parents are still on their flight here from China," Ricky tells the nurse.
“And last we heard of Hanbin’s family, they were stuck in traffic because Godzilla decided Cheonan would be its next target,” Matthew adds once he’s put the chair back in its original spot.
The nurse looks a bit hesitant. “Huh. That is unfortunate.”
“Ma’am. Do you happen to know who we are?” Jiwoong asks.
“Uh… very beautiful men?”
“No, ma’am. I mean—yes, thank you. But no. We are Zerobaseone, and—huh. It feels so strange to do the greeting without Hanbin. Can you guys help a little?” Jiwoong turns to the others, feeling rather awkward taking over Hanbin's role as the one to start the group introduction.
Everyone gathers in a line, leaving two empty spots in the middle for both Hao and Hanbin.
“Annyeonghaseyo, Zerobaseone imnida!” they all yell at different volumes, completely out of sync. Matthew is the only one attempting the arm movement. They really need Hanbin's help for such a complex task.
The nurse claps excitedly. “That was so cool! Are you idols?”
“Yeah, we’re Zerobaseone, as we said. And we are a family. Maybe not by blood, but through everything we have gone through together. We survived the hell that was Boys Planet, we debuted, won the rookie grand slam, released Slam Dunk, then got a grand slam and some Daesangs too! After that, we sued Wakeone for causing us emotional damage and won that too—obviously, we kinda have a habit of winning everything, if I dare say so myself. Anyway, we redebuted and are still together all these years later. If anyone's a family, it’s us.”
The nurse wipes her eyes. “Whoa, that was beautiful. I am so glad you guys didn’t have to disband after the initial contract was up.”
Gunwook feels like he should add a few important details. “We also survived having to do the pregnancy announcement during the tour! Matthew literally tweeted tour is cancelled Haobin are pregnant, but instead of having the entire kpop community turn on us, they just thought we were keeping up with current memes.”
“Even when they realized we weren’t actually joking about the pregnancy thing, the fandom didn’t get mad!” Matthew explains enthusiastically.
“For some reason, most people were happy to find out that mpreg was real if you tried hard enough!” Jiwoong tells the nurse.
“Boy, did they try. In the practice rooms, the recording studio… On the kitchen counter, in the shower, on my gaming chair, under Ricky’s bed… oh, and on top of my dresser…” Taerae looks like he’s going through some kind of mental health crisis.
“Yeah, I feel like Zeroses kind of saw it coming.” Yujin smiles.
“I guess some Allin and Rosin akgaes combusted because they couldn’t deny Haobin anymore. Sad times. Anyway, in the end, we didn’t even have to cancel the tour! Turns out it’s not that hard to sing and dance while seven months pregnant,” Gyuvin adds.
The group has to take a moment to gather themselves after going down memory lane.
“Would you please let us see Hao hyung and Hanbin hyung and their baby?” Yujin asks the nurse.
Suddenly, the nurse looks like she’s gone through something traumatic. “Yes, the baby. I guess you can visit them, if that’s what you want. But only two or three at a time! You can’t bother them too much; they’ve been through a lot. Oh, and if you feel like throwing up, please use the bathroom.”
“That's a bit weird,” Jiwoong comments.
“Whatever,” Gyuvin mutters and pushes his way past all the others to be the first one in the room. Taerae, feeling competitive over being the baby’s uncle/godfather, obviously has to follow. He simply cannot let Gyuvin win. All the eyes turn to Yujin. He stares back.
“What?”
” Aren’t you going in? I thought you also wanted to be picked,” Ricky asks.
“Um, truth be told, I'm actually pretty scared of babies,” Yujin admits. “Maybe I’ll visit in a bit.”
Ricky shrugs and steps in after the other two.
“IS MY SWEET BABY HERE!!! HELLOOO!! I AM HERE FOR MY NIECE! CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE ME HER UNCLE!” Gyuvin shouts as he runs into the room.
Taerae tries to shout over him, “No, I wanna be the–good lord. What on earth is that thing?”
They all stop dead in their tracks. There, in the bed shared by both Hao and Hanbin (Just why are two grown men sharing a narrow hospital bed? Surely they could afford a bigger one or, you know, two beds for two people.), is a small creature. It is tiny and all wrinkly and leathery. Does… does it have wings? Or are those its arms? It's hard to say for sure. No one really wants to look at it for more than two seconds. No wonder the nurse was acting so strange earlier!
“Gyuvin! Of course, you can be the uncle and the godfather. Originally, we were thinking it could be Taerae or Yujin, but since you’re so enthusiastically asking... sure! Unless–Taerae, how do you feel about Gyuvin getting the title?" Hanbin looks a bit hesitant, afraid he’s just hurt Taerae by giving the coveted title to Gyuvin.
Taerae, somehow not being able to take his eyes off the twitchy gremlin on the bed, just shrugs. “Yeah, he can have it.”
Hanbin lets out a relieved sigh. “I'm glad you can be so mature about this, Taerae.”
Ricky passes out and falls on the floor with a thump.
“Oh, Ricky. He's such a gentle soul. He must have been so excited seeing our little bundle of joy, he couldn’t take it anymore,” Hao smiles.
Taerae takes one more look at the creature, now making tiny crying sounds between Hao and Hanbin. “Oh yeah, that must be it.”
As Taerae goes to Ricky to lift up his legs, Hanbin beckons Gyuvin closer. “Why don’t you hold your niece. You’ll be spending a lot of time with her in the future.”
Letting out a shaky laugh, Gyuvin holds the baby. “It sure is…alive? And, um… breathing.”
“Aww, are you crying?” Hao asks Gyuvin, who is trying his hardest not to gag. “Look, Hanbin, baby, he loves her so much already!”
“Is there still time to put it back in?” Gyuvin whimpers.
Hao and Hanbin burst into laughter. “This is why we love you so much.”
“Sorry to interrupt your bonding moment, but I think we should get Ricky some medical assistance. He's still not waking up,” Taerae suggests from the floor where he is crouching next to a completely limp Ricky.
“Oh no, what a shame we gotta leave now byeeee,” Gyuvin yells, halfway dragging Ricky out of the door already.
“It's your turn now,” Taerae grunts to the others still seated in the waiting area.
Gunwook looks alarmed. “What the hell happened to Ricky?"
“Oh, you know, the shock of seeing Taerae’s niece,” Gyuvin offers while trying to get Ricky to regain consciousness by slapping his face with his yaoi hands.
“How many times do I have to tell you–it’s goddaughter,” Gunwook sighs while rolling his eyes.
“What, they made Taerae her uncle?” Yujin asks, looking put out.
“No, they made Gyu–never mind that. ”Just get in,” Taerae orders the others. The whole ordeal has made him way too tired to argue with Gunwook and Gyuvin.
Yujin seems to be upset by the news of either Taerae or Gyuvin being the baby’s uncle, so he just crosses his arms in the chair and huffs. The others, used to the maknae’s dramatics, head in.
“Huh? Did you two get a hairless cat?" Jiwoong asks as he steps into the room.
“Do you need to get your eyes checked or something?” Hanbin asks Jiwoong as he holds the newborn up in the air like they did with Simba in The Lion King. “It's our pride and joy!”
Jiwoong lets out a high-pitched shriek and tries to make it to the small bathroom that’s connected to the hospital room. He does not make it that far. Some of his puke hits the bathroom door while the rest splatters on the floor. Now, why is it neon green?
“I didn't know you liked NCT too,” Hanbin says, eyeing the pile of vomit, completely ignoring his hyung dry heaving in the corner of the room.
Hao also doesn’t seem to be interested in Jiwoong’s well-being. “If you're sick, you should leave. I don't want your germs near our daughter. Her immune system is still really weak.”
“That’s your daughter?” Matthew whispers.
"Isn't she gorgeous?” Hanbin asks the others, smiling gently at his daughter.
The room falls silent.
Gunwook is the first one feeling brave enough to ask, “Hey, so. Did you notice your baby is… purple?”
Hao kisses his daughter and smiles. “Yeah, isn't she cute!!”
“I think since we gave birth together, Hao’s pink and my blue got mixed together to create the prettiest shade of purple!” Hanbin explains.
“Are you sure it’s not just infant cyanosis? It's a medical condition sometimes seen with infants. It's when there’s an inadequate amount of oxygen in the blood.”
Hanbin tilts his head and squints at Gunwook. “Are you body-shaming our firstborn? That’s rude as fuck.”
“Uh,” Gunwook gulps, eyes darting away. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.”
“It's fine. I know we are all tired after this whole ordeal. Do you guys wanna hold her?” Hanbin asks.
Matthew starts sweating. “Oh, I possibly couldn’t! You know how big my muscles are–I could accidentally squish it. I mean her. Your beautiful baby, that definitely looks just like you.”
Hanbin and Hao turn their expectant gazes to Jiwoong and Gunwook.
“I'm sick and definitely contagious, remember?” Jiwoong says, using all his acting skills to make himself look as pitiful as possible. He adds in a fake cough, too.
Gunwook accepts his fate with a sigh and takes the baby in his arms. How can anything be so wrinkly? Gunwook doesn’t have that much experience with babies (yet, his brain supplies. One day he and Matthew will have a son, he’s sure of it. He’ll just have to confess first.), but he is pretty sure they aren’t supposed to look like this. The baby stares into his eyes, giving him a very uneasy feeling. It's like she knows his deepest and most shameful secrets. She doesn’t seem to judge him for them, which makes him glad. Gunwook tries his best to repress a shudder. How could two such good-looking people produce something like this?
He tries to look for any features to identify the baby as either Hao's or Hanbin’s. It does have eyes, a nose, and a mouth. And all its limbs are intact. (There might be a tail in the mix, honestly, Gunwook isn’t sure) Other than that, he can’t see any similarities.
“So, you’re sure this one is yours? They didn’t accidentally switch it with someone else? I’ve heard it’s a thing that happens sometimes,” Gunwook tries to reason.
“No way, she smells just like us!” Hanbin argues back.
“Smells? What is this, omegaverse?” Matthew mutters.
Hao ignores him. “Besides, we are the only ones here. We have the whole floor to ourselves!”
Huh. Then it really is theirs. Unless… No, this can’t be a milkman type of situation. Those two would never cheat on each other.
Seems like Jiwoong has caught on to Gunwook’s suspicions. “Can it dance or play the violin? There has to be something you’ve got in common.”
“What are you on about? She’s like an hour old. Why would she be dancing or playing the violin?” Hao looks genuinely confused. And concerned. The group really seems to be spiraling after being without them for just a few hours.
“Alright, that’s enough. Give her back now,” Hao demands after having had enough of the weird questions. “I want Yujin.”
The others are happy to leave.
When Yujin has entered the maternity/paternity ward, the rest of the group walks up to the nurse, who is still somehow loitering around. Ricky has finally regained consciousness and is being supported by Matthew. Gunwook is scowling at them while holding a confused Taerae’s hand. Matthew doesn’t seem to notice them no matter how many times Gunwook clears his throat as he swings their arms around.
“How come you’re still here?” Matthew asks her.
“It’s the low birth rates. We barely do anything around here.”
Gyuvin asks the nurse, “Can we please talk to the doctor?”
“Doctor Yoo? Oh, she just walked out. Said something about an early retirement.”
“Alright. So, is there a scientific explanation for what we just witnessed?”
The nurse looks him dead in the eye. “You people wanted to make mpreg happen so bad. Did none of you think of the consequences? Did none of you think of us? What we had to go through in there?”
Ricky ignores her dramatic ass. “You people? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Are you perhaps a homophobe?”
“What? I’m talking about you fujoshis!” she yells at him. “Yes, I can recognize you a mile away!”
Ricky suddenly finds the small patch of dirt on the floor really interesting.
“So...? What the hell is that thing they call a baby?" Jiwoong asks.
“Well, it—she. She used to be two babies. Kind of. Your friends somehow gave birth at the same time to two halves of babies. We had to sew them together to make one baby! Can you believe that! No wonder Doctor Yoo had enough!”
Meanwhile, Yujin has miraculously gotten over the trauma of seeing the world’s ugliest baby being born from two of the world’s prettiest people.
“But weren’t you both pregnant? How come there’s only one baby?”
“Aw, Yujinie, aren’t you smart! Yes, you are correct, there is just one baby now!” Hanbin says using his preschool teacher's voice.
“As you very well know, Hanbin did put that baby in me first, but I figured it would be totally unfair and un-mirror-like if I was the only one having a baby! So yeah, once again, we tried really hard, multiple times, in different positions, in different locations, and made my Hanbinie pregnant as well!”
Hanbin looks at Hao with blushy cheeks. “Hyung did so well.”
Yujin is starting to understand why Taerae is the way he is.
“Thanks, darling,” Hao murmurs and kisses the top of Hanbin’s head. “So yeah, there we were, pushing out our babies together while holding hands—“
“So romantic!” Hanbin chimes in.
“—when the doctors and nurses started screaming. It was kind of scary at first. Seriously, I thought something was wrong with our babies. But then I realized they were just so happy for us they couldn’t control themselves!” Hao explains happily while Hanbin starts breastfeeding the baby. Why does it have fangs?
Hanbin continues the story, “I think the meds they were giving us were super strong cause we were both kind of out of it. But when we came to, all the staff were crying happy tears and just threw our beautiful daughter to us! Somehow, she became just one baby! It must have been the magic of our love.”
Hao starts pouting.
“What is it, gege?”
“Does this mean we still need two more daughters for you to be satisfied? I thought we only had one more left.”
“Oh, golly! That means we get to be pregnant two more times. This is amazing." Hanbin and Hao both start sniffling at the same time. Yujin feels faint. Two more of these things?
“Hmmph!” seems like Hao still isn’t satisfied. “But I don’t think three babies works.”
Hanbin looks at him alarmed. “What's wrong with three daughters?”
“Well, how are we supposed to carry them? Both of us can only carry one daughter at a time!”
“No way, you can totally fit two babies in your arms.”
“Yeah, but then if I'm carrying two, you only get one. Or if you’re carrying two, I only get one! It’s not equal.”
“Oh. I see what you mean, Hao hyung.”
Hanbin looks so sad. And in thought. Yujin is worried he might get the crazy idea of suggesting they should make a fourth ugly baby to make it more even. That would be way too many ugly babies to carry! And they also have their careers as idols to think of. How could they be fathers of four while still being active members of the group? Yujin will not let them ruin it for him.
“I could help you carry the third one? Right? Or, I could be the third one! Everyone already calls me your son anyway.”
The two don’t really look convinced—everyone knows Hanbin is fixated on the three daughters. Fuck.
“No—I know! You don’t need me! And you definitely do not need a fourth one to make everything match.”
“A fourth o—“
Yujin will not let Hanbin finish that thought.
“You can use your feet! One in each of your arms, and the third one you hold between your feet! It all works out! Perfect! Let’s stop thinking!”
Hao and Hanbin both look a bit dazed after Yujin’s frantic yelling. “Sure thing, Yujinie. You are so sweet and smart,” Hao tries to reassure him.
There is a fly buzzing above the hospital bed. The creature opens its mouth, and a long tongue snaps out to catch the insect mid-flight. The baby swallows it down and smiles. Somehow, Yujin is the only one who notices. Before he can question if this is normal infant behavior, there’s a knock at the door. The actual family members have finally arrived. Yujin steps out to let Hanbin's parents and sister in.
They stay in for a few minutes before stepping out, the entire lot looking a lot paler than they were before meeting with the newborn. Hanbin's mother is uncharacteristically quiet while helping her husband walk out with shaky legs. He has his face buried in her neck, whimpering like a wounded animal. All Areum can say is, “We should have let Godzilla eat us,” before they head towards the cafeteria.
Hao's parents are the next ones to arrive. They take notice of the somber mood in the waiting area, but don’t ask any questions before heading.
The whole group holds their breath while they wait for them to come out to gauge their reaction. Unsurprisingly, it’s not long before they storm out and head to the cafeteria with Hanbin’s family. Hao’s parents mutter something to themselves in Mandarin as they pass the group.
Gyuvin turns to Ricky, hungry for gossip. “What did they say?”
“Uh. Hao’s mom just said they wasted too much money on the plane tickets on such short notice, and his dad said he missed the newest episode of his favorite TV show for nothing.”
Everyone stays silent for a bit, waiting for anyone to acknowledge what they’ve all just experienced.
Matthew's phone chimes in with a notification. “Oh, Hanbin just posted on Plus Chat. He's saying they’ve given birth to a healthy baby girl.”
Gunwook crosses his arms over his chest. “Why do you have Hanbin hyung’s plus chat?”
“No way, they also posted on Twitter,” Taerae tells the others.
Everyone gathers around his phone. There, a picture of the new parents holding their baby.
“Isn’t this against Twitter’s terms and conditions? There has to be a law against posting something so hideous!” Jiwoong panics.
Taerae hums. “I guess we could try to report this as harassment. My eyes definitely feel harassed.”
“Maybe we could try to claim we got hacked and it’s an AI-generated image. Everyone hates AI, right? Then we could just ban Haobin from using social media for a few weeks. Or months. Years? I guess it depends on the baby." Ricky tries to suggest.
Gyuvin is desperate enough to think Ricky might be onto something. “You're right, it might need some time to grow into its features? You know, like an ugly duckling?”
Once again, Gunwook feels the overwhelming need to share interesting facts. “Kind of like giant pandas. They look really different when they’re born.”
Yujin sighs, staring at the tweet. “I can't believe we got ratio’d because of a baby.”